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Friday Fanglish Cat Slang: The Annoying Humans

What's a "false positive?" How about a "tiptoe-tinkle?" It's time for this week's cat slang lesson!

Angie Bailey  |  Mar 4th 2016


It’s Friday, and you know what that means: time for a brand new Fanglish cat slang lesson. We gather here each week to take in bits and pieces of the secret language our cats use when we’re not looking. They’d be outraged if they knew that we’re privy to their underground lexicon, but we humans are still a (very) little smarter than the feline set, and we can keep a secret.

My feline informant showed up this week with Fanglish terms on the topic of “the annoying humans in our lives.” And believe me, this is only a partial list. They probably have an entire chapter containing all the unique ways they describe us. My informant brought us the kindest of the bunch, and we appreciate that. We know our kitties love us, but they aren’t shy in demonstrating their irritation. I’m sure we can all agree on that!

So get ready to mentally file away this week’s lesson. And remember to keep this info on the low-down, friends. Are you ready? Let’s go!

1. Lay misérables

A cat’s cranky disposition after being picked up and forced to lie in a different location.

“Snowball was completely lay misérables when The Lady relocated him to the sofa.”

2. Boxed-out

Refuses to be boxed out.

Refuses to be boxed out.

Removed from a box.

“Pedro hissed at The Lady after he was boxed out”

3. Tiptoe-tinkle

A human’s early morning attempt at quietly visiting the facilities, hoping not to alert the cats because breakfast is still a few hours away.

“Fluffy was not fooled by The Man’s tiptoe-tinkle, and she immediately began meowing and pacing.”

4. Digital fortress

Impenetrable!

Impenetrable!

A hiding place where cats believe humans with cameras cannot find them.

“Mitzy saw The Man turn on his camera and immediately ran for the nearest digital fortress.”

5. Delayed catification

Postponed assembly of a cat tower.

“Lou and Tabby dealt with the delayed catification by playing inside the box in which the cat tower arrived.”

6. False positive

Denied!

Denied!

The realization that the sound of a crinkly bag is human food, and not cat treats.

“Milton was disappointed when he heard a bag open, walked into the kitchen, and found a complete false positive.”

7. Ear-itation

Annoyance expressed by flattening the ears.

“The Lady removed Maurice from the counter and he responded with clear ear-itation.”

8. Flee control

Injustice!

Injustice!

The act of placing a cat in a closed room while movers or other humans come and go from a building, thus preventing feline escape.

“In an act of flee control, The Man locked Cherry in the bathroom while the movers brought new living room furniture into the house.”

9. No-doze

A cat’s distracting behavior that makes a human wake up earlier than he’d planned.

“Rumble Butt wanted breakfast, so he jumped on the bed and gave The Lady some no-doze.”

10. Conceal-and-carry

Time to carry.

Time to carry.

To hide a cat carrier in the hopes that a cat won’t see it and realize the impending trip to the veterinarian’s office.

“Snowball was in a cranky mood, so The Man grabbed the Pet Taxi and decided he should conceal and carry.”

11. Closed-minded

Not willing to consider opening a door.

“Peanut meowed outside the bathroom door, but The Lady was completely closed-minded.

12. Project runaway

A costumed cat’s hasty retreat from a photo shoot.

The Lady’s attempts at taking photos of Peaches in a tutu was an instant project runaway.

Do you have any terms to add to the Fanglish dictionary? Leave them in the comments!

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.