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I am hurting so much.

  
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Whitie- Speciality- Germiquet

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Purred: Tue Jan 1, '08 9:10am PST 
Hi It's me once again checking in..

Just to let everyone know No I am not ready for seeing my baby girl with but someone had sent them in a rosette and I couldn't just leave them there and my baby does deserve the wings.. I cry more when I see her in them.

Although when I am ready I will be putting up a few of my favourite pics that I will love to see her with wings in pics of her posing and smiling.
the one of her now is from the first time she got sick I think I'm not sure I know I took one like that when she got sick the first time and was pooping watery poop and blood.

Even then I ran snatching pictures as many as I could thinking then I was going to lose her and then they misdiagnosed her saying it was colitis I knew in my heart that wasn't what it was but I didn't want to believe my own instincts. A mother always knows I know that now.

I had also brought her to the vet in Nov the one I deal with for Bon-Bon and had asked if she had cancer because she had so many lumps and I was so worried then I was told it was nothing to worry about that it was just fatty tissue cells. Maybe i should've pushed the issue then but no I didn't I took that and ignored my motherly instincts.
Just wanting to go with the good and positive that my baby was completely healthy.


I didn't sleep till 6 then got up at 8 and then up at 9 and 10. then got up at 11 to my phone ringing and I caught myself saying Oh Whitie why'd you let me sleep so late. I jumped up I was going to go get her out before I remembered after jumping up that she wasn't with me anymore. I cried again once I got off the phone.

and then came on and saw the picture of her with wings and cried even more.

I had been dreaming about my little girl that her and I running which was something I could rarely do with her because of my asthma. We were playing outside my door like she loved to do and she was jumping up and nipping at my coat and biting my coat and pulling and smiling and having so much fun.. I should've let her do that more often but I was so worried about her ripping my winter coat that I did not. She never did play with dog toys and only played that way with me or another dog. I just should've let her do it more often and I should've played with her like that outside more often too.

I am worried I may have to find a new home for Terucan my youngest cat daughter I pray and pray she comes around.

She still won't come near me or let me pet her she is back to being scared again or at least looks that way when I do try to pet her she hunkers back. Although she is playing she isn't herself and she is constantly attacking Autumn who then attacks Bon-Bon Who then will do the same with one of the two.

It's going around in circles. I am so worried to go out because I am so worried there will be a bad cat fight and I won't be here to seperate my babies.. It is tonight not last night that I was asked to go to someone's for dinner I do believe now since last night no one showed and I am afraid to leave them alone.

I am getting so scared and frustrated even though I know that is Terucan's way to grieve it hurts so much to see her like this especially when she had finally come to letting me pet her and hold her in Oct and I heard her purr for the first time after her birthday and then she purred non stop come Nov. but now I am beginning to think that was all Whitie's doing she always did keep the peace between us all. She was the peace maker and I can sure see that now.

I don't know what to do for Terucan I wish I did. I wish I could make everything all better for them all.

At least Autumn just cries and wants more attention she never was one to like being held but she even wants that now Bon-Bon is the same with wanting the attention but I don't think she is taking it as hard as Autumn or Terucan although she has gotten really ornery with them and lost her patience.

I keep thinking if I brought another dog into the house would that calm them? I highly doubt that but I think it still..

I just keep praying it's all I can do.

I sang last night I love you Lord and I lift my voice to Worship you oh my soul rejoice take joy my king in what you hear may it be a sweet sweet sound in your ear.

I do love Jesus and nothing will stop that Love as HE isthe only one that can help me and HE is my FATHER.

Seems like right now that is all I can sing but even singing that Icry and cry but I was always told to thank Jesus and praise Jesus even when you are struggling and in pain and so that is what I do.

I just wish I knew the Reason HE wanted Whitie with HIM and what HIS plan for me is now.

I still miss my baby girl so much and I know her sisters do too.

Thanks for reading this once again Tara.



Oh Dear Whitie Speciality, My very special special girl. My white mama my bubba my white fang and Precious baby, My fancy pants, nosy and attention seeker I so miss you honey pie. I hope you understand why I had to let you go I know you didn't want to leave me but like I said it was your time and it's ok. Are you watching me from Heaven now? Have you met my Grandpa and Butterfly, tinkerbell and Luvbunny and the others yet? Are you having a great time up there running off the leash and exploring and just again running like you always loved to do? Do you miss me honey and your sisters too as we do you?

Have you cuddled with Jesus? Did HE explain everything to you?
What colour are your wings? Are you barking like mad now? have you found your voice for good?
Do you still wear your coats like you loved to do? Do you get your treats and lots of love like you loved to have?

So many questions my baby girl so many. oh my baby girl My special special baby girl I miss you so much.. And not having you here with me is hard but I know I'll get through maybe you can go directly to Jesus and request nicely and politely that maybe HE help me get through and your sisters too and mend our broken hearts for you.

Baby girl your sisters and I will never stop missing you no matter what remember that ok. You are the only #1 special dog daughter in my heart and no other can take your place not now not ever no matter what. Please Know this and remember it.

Even if I do get another dog to love and hold and take care of as my baby and as I did you. Another rescue know I will always remember you and it will never replace you never in a million years.

My house just seems so empty without the presence of your panting and your peacemaking and your love and everything about it in it.
I so miss snuggling with you at night I am having difficulty with sleeping right now.. But know I will get through my darling girl I will get through.

I love you baby but I shouldn't make this letter too long I know you have only Too much to do in Heaven..

Love always Your mommy now and always and your sisters too

Autumn, Terucan, and Bon-Bon.
We sure do miss you.
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Amber (In- Loving- Memory)

Amber Girl
 
 
Purred: Fri Feb 1, '08 11:51pm PST 
Tara,

I have read all the posts in this thread, and my heart goes out to you. I somewhat understand some of the things you have gone through. Please know your not alone!

When I lost Amber I was totally devastated. It was my birthday Dec. 10, 2007. She was outside with our dogs to go to the bathroom. One of our Rotties had her by the neck, I was in shock. We ran out there got the three small dogs in the house along with Amber. By the time we got Amber in the house she was gone.

Amber had been going through some health problems but was getting better. Then she lost her life due to one of our other dogs. My first thought was to put our other dog down, but I delayed that, for I knew it was a reaction.

I was so heart broken, I never felt so much greif over one of my animals dying.

I buried her in our yard. My roommate offered to dig her grave, but I said no, I had to do it, for my own self. I placed her bed, blanket and favorite Toy with her. Around her grave, I planted 16 tulips which should come up this spring.

I miss my baby girl so much. She was 16 years of age. We have been working with our vet and also a trainer to help our other dog. She is doing much better. They stated we could never trust her ever again with small dogs. We have two, a Manchester Terrier and a Beagle puppy. The Big dogs eat and go out seperate from the little ones. We have had to do alot of changes around the house with all the dogs. At first it was a challange.

I learned the best thing I could do for myself is to set Amber free, meaning, telling myself it was ok . I know she will not have to suffer, and has her health back. I know she probably already has checked up on your baby.

Please know your in our thoughts and prayers!

Amber's Momhug
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Whitie- Speciality- Germiquet

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Purred: Thu Feb 7, '08 10:34am PST 
Thanks Amber's mom.

*hugs and snuggles* I can only imagine what you went through and how you felt.

I am trying to let Whitie go I really am. Maybe I will be able to say goodbye and let her go once her cremains are buried at my friends place once the ground thaws and then I move to Toronto in August in with my sister.

In a way I feel peace she is gone before I even move to T.O I know she wouldn't have been able to take living in T .O it would've depressed her way to much and in the end I would've had to give her to her second family to take care of and for her to live with for whatever remained of her life if she was still alive when I moved.

I believe that would've been harder then to move without her knowing she is in Heaven.

I miss her so much but at least I know she is safe. If I had let her go with her 2nd family I would've worried all the time. Or if she came to live with me in T.O I would've been sad so much and feeling guilty because she was depressed.

In away I do feel some peace knowing Jesus knew what HE was doing as HE always does when HE called Whitie home to Heaven.

But a big piece of me is still missing I still cry almost every day and it's been a month and one week almost she has been gone now.

I feel like it has been just yesterday or even today.

I miss her so so very very much..

Sometimes I wish I could just hold her one more time kiss her one more time get one more kiss from her one more time even hear her pant just one more time in my ear.

I know now I will have to wait until Jesus calls me home before I will be able to do this.
Tara
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