I am hurting so much.

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Whitie- Speciality- Germiquet

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Purred: Sun Dec 30, '07 12:08pm PST


	I am hurting so much. I miss My baby girl Whitie so much. I wish I could've healed her I prayed and prayed for healing but it wasn't to be. I miss her kisses and her seeking attention I miss her hugs and her snuggles. I miss her dancing with me and doing her tricks and going for walks with her and running outside with her. I miss her with her sisters. I miss her sleeping beside me I miss everything about my baby girl. I know she isn't suffering anymore and is in Heaven but I still hurt so much. I dont' know when the pain will go away. I just miss my baby girl daughter dog. She was so special to me she meant everything to me. Having to say goodbye to her was so hard and it continues to be hard. I can't think straight. I don't want to eat but I force myself to eat once a day. I dont' want to do anything not even go out. I just want to keep a hold of her and hold onto one of her coats and never ever let go. I have so much trouble sleeping now because she isn't beside me on the bed at night anymore And I hurt even more because her sisters are hurting so much for her and they walk around lost crying in the aprt. My youngest still won't let me give her attention and if I try she will try to scratch me. At least they ate last night I guess putting the cat nip in their food and puttingt heir food in the bedroom helped. I don't know how I will get on with out my baby girl. I live moment by moment right now it's all I can do. Trying my hardest to be strong and hold on for other 3 baby girls. Not like I would do anything stupid but I just hurt so bad right now and I know my other baby girls need me their mommy to get by too. so I force myself to get up out of bed and do the do things. I forced myself to go to church and I keep praying and praying for help and comfort. I will force myself to go to my AA meeting tonight too. But all seems helpless without my baby girl around any more. I know this pain will hopefully be temporary but A big part of me is missing a part I will never g et back again no matter how hard I try and I do miss her so much and I am hurting inside right now so much too I feel like my heart has been broken into real tiny pieces and shattered to bits. I just pray that soon I will feel at peace and joy and happy again that soon I will be able to once again sing just like Whitie loved. She loved hearing me sing. Thank-you to everyone for your support. I am grateful my mom created this group in remembrance of my baby and hopefully later it can also be used to help others who are hurting as much as I am when they say goodbye to their babies and send them off to Heaven Tara

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ANGEL JERRY 20.04.98-15.08.00

I AM ARMBRUSTER- GIRL

Purred: Sun Dec 30, '07 12:45pm PST


	Tara and Whitie

The- Germiquet- Cat Posse

Prayer and- Forgiveness is- the key

Purred: Sun Dec 30, '07 1:11pm PST


	Thank-you I do appreciate your support a great deal. I am going to get off for an hr or two now and spend some time with my other 3 baby girls if they will allow me to. Tara

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Penny -My- Angel- 1987-2005

Pen Pen

Purred: Sun Dec 30, '07 1:22pm PST


	you are in our thoughts, hearts and prayers!!!!

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PUPPIE THE- WINGMAKER

PUPPIE WING- MAKER

Purred: Sun Dec 30, '07 1:39pm PST


	I WROTE THIS FOR MY BELOVED PUPPIE SHE AND I WERE TOGETHER FOR OVER 19 YRS, AND THIS POEM WAS STARTED 1 OR 2 YRS BEFORE SHE PASSED AND I FINISHED IT A FEW DAYS AFTER HER GOING TO THE RAINBOW BRIDGE WHAT I WANT TO SHARE WITH THIS POEM IS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, AND MANY TIMES WE STILL ARE .PUPPIE HAS BEEN GONE FOR 5 YRS APRIL 17TH 2008 AND THIS TUESDAY NEW YEARS DAY IS HER BIRTHDAY ,IT STILL IS A VERY HARD TIME .I STILL CRY ,I STILL FEEL HOLLOW I STILL FEEL AS THOUGH I WILL NEVER BE COMPLETE ,,BUT THE MOMMENT COME AND GO ,THEY DONT CRIPPLE ME LIKE THEY DID ,I CRY I HURT I ACHE I ASK GOD FOR HELP TO HEAL ME ,I BEREATHE IN AND GO MAKE SOME COFFEE THEN I GO TO TRIXIEMAE PAGE AND WELL WE LOOK AT IT TOGETHER ,SHE HAS HELPED TO FILL THE BROKEN HEART AND EMPTY SOUL ,SHE DID NOT REPLACE PUPPIE SHE NEVER WAS TO DO SO, SHE JUST TAUGHT ME THAT THERE IS SO MUCH AND SO MANY THINGS TO LOVE IN LIFE EVER DAY , SO HERE IS MY POEM IF YOU WANT TO USE IT PLEASE ,I HAVE NOT COPY RIGHTED IT AS I HAVE NO MONEY ,BUT ONE DAY I PLAN ON DOING THAT ,THAT IS MY HOPE, GOD BLESS YOU I AM HERE ISF YOU NEED ME, OUR TIME IS SLIPPING AWAY HOW DO I HOLD ON TO YOU AND STILL LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO LET YOU GO? HOW WILL I PUT OUT THE LIGHT WHEN INSIDE MY HEART THE FIRES GROW? HOW DO I TURN BACK THE TIME AND TURN DEATH FROM THE DOOR? HOW WILL I FILL MY EMPTY ARMS WHEN I CAN'T HOLD YOU ANYMORE? HOW WILL I JUST STEP BACK AND LET THINGS BE AS THEY MUST HOW CAN I SAY GOOD -BYE WHEN I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH. HOW WILL I STAY WARM AT NIGHT, WHEN YOUR NOT CUDDLED BY MY SIDE? HOW DO I PREPARE FOR THIS ? LORD KNOWS HOW HARD I'VE TRIED. HOW WILL I GIVE YOU BACK TO GOD WHEN I FEEL THAT YOU ARE MINE, HOW WILL I EVER ACCEPT THE FACT WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. WRITTEN BY MOM AUDREY WILMOT DEDICATED TO MY MOST BELOVED FRIEND INTHIS LIFETIME MY DOG PUPPIE BUBBA WILMO 3/4/2003 Edited by author Sun Dec 30, '07 1:43pm PST

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Nikki

If it's on the- ground, I'll eat- it.

Purred: Sun Dec 30, '07 2:46pm PST


	I understand your grief. Grief takes time to work through and is it painful. Try to get together with friends. It's so hard to get through something like this without friends. And going out and doing something fun is important to your health. You wouldn't be betraying Whitie. Rather, she wouldn't want you to suffer and she'd want you to be happy. Living well is the best tribute to your dog.

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Whitie- Speciality- Germiquet

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Purred: Sun Dec 30, '07 3:21pm PST


	Thank-you very much for everyone's support. And the poem too I appreciated it. I know Whitie wouldn't want me to lock myself indoors But I just don't want to go out and do anything and who will tell me now when Bon-Bon will have a seizure so I know to stay home with her? I went to church this morning I forced myself to go I promised Whitie I would before she passed but I cried the whole time I was there and prayed and prayed for comfort and healing and for Jesus to pls mend my broken heart. I am also going to My AA meeting tonight and tomorrow I will go for a quick walk to the bank to cash my cheque but other then that I just don't want to do anything. Whitie always went with me everywhere even to cash my cheque, To the post office, to the Movie Store. She went everywhere with me. Whitie got me through my first 2 yrs of sobriety and clean time too and kept me sober and clean the first 2 yrs. She was the one that showed me that I needed help so that I could get it. She also brought me to Jesus. I am coming up on 5 yrs in Feb and she won't be here this time but maybe Jesus will let her celebrate with me some how. That is what I hope for. I always did something special for her and I on that special day. I miss her tremendously and so far I don't even feel the pain lessoning even one tiny bit. I am living moment by moment and I am praying hard I know only Jesus can get me through I do. I feel so selfish because I can't think of anyone else who lost their babies or their pain but for mine and my 3 baby cat daughters Whitie's sisters, and that makes me feel angry with myself because to me that is being selfish. I dont' like being a selfish person. Today seems worse then yesterday if it's possible and I fear everyday will seem worse then the last I pray it will get better. This barking dog makes me cry Although Whitie didn't bark she was part golden retriever and part Yellow Lab. It was mostly her golden part of her fur I took to keep. Even though I do have a couple white strands in there. She was so special to me. Now who will be there to help me when I go into a panic attack? Who will tell me when her sister is going to have a seizure that day so I know not to worry about being out and Bon-Bon having one? Who will I be able to walk with? It hurts so much and everyone is so kind but these are the questions that keep going through my mind.. I know in time I will get another dog maybe in a couple weeks who knows but right now I am not ready Right now I just want to remember my baby girl and let her sisters and I grieve. I promised her when I did get another dog it would never replace her and I could never love the dog like I did her not in the same way. No other dog will ever amount to her but I promised her I would get another Rescue and give them the same love and attention and patience as I gave my baby girl Whitie Speciality. She knew all her nicknames too and she had so many of them. White mama was my favourite nickname for her because she was my White mama. AS she was to her sisters especially Autumn. I am trying hard to beat this depression without having my baby with me. Her oldest sister Bon-Bon and my middle baby now Autumn are helping me with this I just pray Terucan will once again come around and let me pet her and let me hear her purr.. Right now I am also fighting anger at the same time because I couldn't do anything to heal her and save her and help her.. I was told by more then 3 people that Whitie looked 14 and maybe she wasn't 8 and that would be why she had a lot of health problems to begin with.. They could be right and I know they could because she was a rescue her age was only estimated. I am just glad I had her for the time I did I wouldn't change that for anything in the world she taught me so much and she taught me how to love again. She taught me how to live in the moment and how to forgive among many other things. No I wouldn't change her being my dog daughter for anything in the world and I treasure the times we did have together every single moment we had. I am grateful I was able to do an unselfish act of letting my baby go to Heaven instead of keeping her around and letting her suffer just because I didn't want to let her go. I know that was the greatest Gift I ever gave whitie in return for all the big huge ones she ever gave me here on earth. Her memories live on in me and I know that I do. I am grateful for them I just wish it wasn't so hard and it didn't hurt so much.. Because I Whitie's mommy will always love Whitie forever. Mother's day will be so hard this year for me because that is when I celebrated Whitie's birthday. Thank-you again Take care and God bless Tara P.S I will be back in a few hrs most probably. And thanks again because everyone's words mean so much to me. I don't know what I'm going to do because the fundraiser site no longer says under review but yet I have not seen any of the money in my paypal acct yet. And that was the money that was going to pay Whitie's vet bill I just hope things are worked out. Because I will need whatever little money I do have to Get Bon-Bon's medications for her arthritis and epilepsy within a couple weeks as well as gas money to get to the vet which I deal with for her and is an hr away by car. So much stress on us all..... thank-you everyone once again. And Whitie Speciality honey girl white mama know that Mommy will always love you now and forever and ever and ever and always until we meet again even though that is still so far away. Hugs and kisses baby girl. Mommy

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Whitie- Speciality- Germiquet

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Purred: Sun Dec 30, '07 6:46pm PST


	I am feeling very confused amongst many other emotions. I left for my meeting at 7 it started at 7:30 ended at 8:30 and then I was home at 9. During which time I fought the tears and I didn't cry I was able to laugh and smile talking to my friends about all the good times with my baby girl and especially Christmas with her this past one that is. I feel bad for laughing during this time like I shouldn't have. Now that I'm back home it's hard again because she isn't here and I miss her meeting me at the door. I came home and thought gotta go take Whitie out then remembered oh wait no you don't and it hit me again. Why is it I keep thinking at times that she will come through the door too when I know it won't happen? I even caught myself thinking about another dog but I can't do that not yet what is wrong with me? I just feel so empty and lost without her here. My home is empty without the presence of my daughter dog without the presence of a wagging tail kisses and snuggles and everything else and walking her too. I feel so Crazy or stupid or something now. I still talk to her too I don't know if that is strange or not. I still talk to her and tell her I love her and that I always will and that I hope she isn't upset with me or thinks I am doing something wrong. I told her how much her sisters love her and then How I hope she is having such a great time in Heaven and is happy. I keep wondering if she thinks about me too. I caught myself asking her if she enjoyed being able to run off her leash now and just run and run and travel and explore like she loved to do but couldn't do here. I feel crazy for this.. I still cuddle with one of her coats. her leashes and harnesses are still hanging on my door as if waiting for me to take them down and put on her once again. But I can't take them down. It wouldn't be right yet not for me it would make my place feel even emptier if that is at all possible. I got to snuggle with a couple dogs after the meeting a friend had brought his two boys with him they were in the truck and he let them out father and son one was 9 months and so cuddly he came right to me and gave me kisses and snuggles and tail wags. I needed that and I felt comforted by it but then I felt guilty because of it it's just I miss that with Whitie so much. When I came home I washed my hands but the smell of them were on my boots and Terucan sat there sniffing them for some time and then gave me a dirty look once again she wouldn't touch her treats and she still won't let me pet her and that makes me feel upset and guilty too for even petting another dog never mind hugging one. No one can replace my baby No one can take her place in my heart or the love I have for her either but I feel so guilty upset angry and so many other things like I said I am confused now. I don't know if this is normal or not but so many emotions now. I want to kick myself or something. What is wrong with me? I got home and started crying again now it's out of guilt too....... Is it too much too soon?...... Whitie I am grateful for your teaching me how to love again and how to forgive. Because you taught me how to be positive and live in the moment and one day at a time. I am grateful because you taught me how to hug and care and be me and you taught me how to compliment myself and hold my head up high. I am grateful because you kept me sober and clean my first 2 yrs until I was able to stay clean and sober f or me and rely on Jesus because you brought me to Jesus too at 19 months of sobriety and clean time. I am grateful because you taught me how to see the positive in every negative and how to be happy through all the rough times. Maybe i have to look at that to be happy now. Hopefully soon I will be able to sing again I know not only you loved it when I sang but so did your sisters it always relaxed you all. Whitie baby girl if possible please come back maybe not for me but for your sisters you don't have to show yourself to me show yourself to your sisters pls so that they will know you are ok and well again. I know I am crazy for writing it where everyone can see it but I need to get it out and I so want you to know no matter what mommy will always love you... I am trying to do what you would want me to do but right now I'm so confused my special baby girl.. Tell Grandpa nana and I miss him and love him ok and tell Butterfly the same thing but remember nana is Butterfly's mom. thanks sweetie. Love you honey love always mommy. Once again everyone thanks for your support and I hope you don't think I am completely crazy or insane as right now I am thinking of myself. I have never felt like this before or been so hurt or confused about everything or guilty like this before either.. Now I just don't know what to think or do with myself thanks again for your support. Tara