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a mini agruement with boyfriend's parents

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Nellie

i am the quiet- one
 
 
Purred: Fri May 14, '10 12:10am PST 
When i frist adopted my kitties i had mini agruement with my boyfriend's parents. They kept telling how i should raise my cats. They told me i should feed them a diet of crappy dry food like iams and human food. This what they feed their cats. I should not provide them with any toys to play with. My boyfriend's parents didnt provide theirs with any. Their cats are overweight now. Of course i didnt listen to them. They are the type to belive what they want even if they are wrong they will still belive it. They drive me crazy sometimes.
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kaya skye

not fighting my- demons-we joined- forces
 
 
Purred: Fri May 14, '10 5:45am PST 
perhaps you and your boyfriend's parents are simply too much alike in your approach to this issue, which is a problem when you stand on different sides. none of you sound open to any possibility except: the way i happen to believe is right, is right. so mote it be, which is fine. you don't believe in feeding dry food like Iams or feeding any human food. this is certainly your privilege. please consider though that the fact that it is your position that what they did for their (presumably much-loved) cats was feed them crap food that made them sick, that you might possibly be making them a touch defensive. just as you feel attacked because they think you should do things their way. i further suspect that you drive them just as crazy as they do you, and i'm going to go out on a limb here and say the problem isn't the cat food.
if you want to get along with these people--i suggest you actively search for beliefs and opinions that the three of you share. listening to them talk with passion and verve about something you care about from the same angle you see it is possibly the only way you'll have a chance of seeing them with any clarity.

Edited by moderator Thu May 20, '10 9:54pm PST

Edited by forums moderator

Nellie

i am the quiet- one
 
 
Purred: Fri May 14, '10 9:15am PST 
I am not type of person to keep beliveing something when i was a wrong. I never said i was right they was wrong either.
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kaya skye

not fighting my- demons-we joined- forces
 
 
Purred: Fri May 14, '10 1:30pm PST 
i don't believe ANYONE continues to believe something they believe is wrong. and i believe it is pretty much irrelevant to anyone where everyone in their life stands on what they believe on every subject. adults agree to disagree, and at some point realize that on many if not most issues, everyone has a point and no one is really wrong.

Edited by moderator Thu May 20, '10 10:15pm PST

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Nellie

i am the quiet- one
 
 
Purred: Fri May 14, '10 2:20pm PST 
they told me i should feed them dry food they get hostile whenever i buy toy for them.

Edited by moderator Thu May 20, '10 10:22pm PST

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Izadore- (Izzie)

Always make it- look like the- dogs did it
 
 
Purred: Fri May 14, '10 4:08pm PST 
We need to stop this right now. If you weren't there, you don't know what was going on. Please don't pick on this Catster and make them feel bad. This is not what we're here for. If you can't help them out, then please don't post at all. Be nice, guys. Please. Please!!!!

Edited by author Thu May 20, '10 10:25pm PST

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kaya skye

not fighting my- demons-we joined- forces
 
 
Purred: Fri May 14, '10 5:21pm PST 
yes, they want you to do things the way they do them. but they do NOT share your perception that the food they want you to feed is unhealthy nor do they apparently share your opinion that there is a link between not providing toys and cats gaining weight. they sincerely believe they are right, and probably see you as being any combination of rude, judgmental, disrespectful, and a spendthrift to boot. because not only are you younger than they are, but since you're dating their son you're supposed to be deferential to them-or at least, this is the accepted belief system of many people.

i answered as i did because i don't think the problem is your cats-it's an interpersonal one concerning control issues, and your boyfriend's parents have latched onto the cats as one way to make a power play. one of the best ways to not let it work is to pretend you are from the planet Vulcan, and be relentlessly logical. they're playing the "WE do it this way, YOU'RE not, so what does that say?" card. possibly the intended audience for this card trick is your boyfriend more than you, i can't say. but i can say that it's easiest to just not argue. to see what they did with their cats as irrelevant...and instead concentrate on facts.
don't bring up that their cats are obese because of what they do. don't bring up their cats at all. their cats are irrelevant. you are from Vulcan, and you respect replicable data and behavioral analysis from Cornell University. anecdotal evidence is not sufficiently scientifically rigorous.
i do realize that sometimes my style is...an acquired taste. so sorry if i confused or offended, and does this help any?

as for you izzie...you know me. when i realized i had somehow led the poster to think i doubted her-that was all i needed to know in order to change course.

Edited by moderator Thu May 20, '10 10:08pm PST

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Gracie

I'm the baby,- gotta love me!
 
 
Purred: Sat May 15, '10 7:45am PST 
Guys, guys! Let's not make this a big thing.

To the OP:

While I wouldn't have chosen the same words, I can see Kaya's point. The biggest obstacle you will ever have in changing your in-laws' mind about anything (cat care, or other things) is your own attitude towards them.

I'm not saying you have to accept his parents' advice as if it were golden. You could deflect their advice nicely, by saying that you appreciate their opinions, but your cat's needs are adequately served by what you are doing now. You could even tell them you're doing this stuff because your cat's vet suggested it and you're just going to do that until it stops working. Then let them see your cat thrive for themselves.

Above all else? Pick your battles. Unless they're badgering you with criticism, or sabotaging your attempts to care for this kitty, let this huge resentment go. It doesn't bode well for a future where you're having kids with this guy, and his parents want to instruct you about how to raise your kids. Smile, say that you'll take their advice into consideration, do your own thing, and let the results speak for themselves. Be a grownup.

Edited by moderator Thu May 20, '10 10:02pm PST

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Izadore- (Izzie)

Always make it- look like the- dogs did it
 
 
Purred: Sat May 15, '10 10:02am PST 
Kaya, I am so sorry if you misunderstood my post. By "that kind of "text", I was referring to Nellie, not to your post. I know that Nelli's mom is very angry, but HQ will pull our posts if we use that sort of language. I think that there is a long backstory here with Nellie's mom, more than just the BF's parent's attitude toward how she takes care of her cats. I know because I was there once. My MIL picked on EVERYTHING from how I kept house to how I took care of the kids. (She didn't give a hoot about my pets, didn't like animals and never missed the opportunity to call mine "filthy creatures".) I NEVER went back at her for any reason. At the end of her life, she was one of my best and dearest friends. If we can help Nellie get throught this--you with your experiences and me with mine---then we should. Nellie is new here, hasn't even been a Catster for a month. She needs to get to know us and that all we want to do is help. Once again, Kaya's mom, I am very sorry if I upset you in any way. That certainly wasn't my intent.

hug

Edited by author Thu May 20, '10 10:29pm PST

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kaya skye

not fighting my- demons-we joined- forces
 
 
Purred: Sat May 15, '10 11:37am PST 
and now is another time when i apparently have managed to stick my autistic foot in my mouth...i NEVER really thought nellie was being rude to those people, and certainly not that she was causing their rudeness. that whole first post was an attempt to write in the voice of someone who thought their way was always right-i think i channeled my mother-while trying to give logical advice. and so we see the triumph of tone over content, because while i never once said that i didn't believe her or that i thought she was being rude or was to blame, somehow that is the conclusion that was reached.
rereading it while not in the rather odd (post-undetermined-neurological event) state of mind i was in, i can only say i wouldn't want to be locked in the room with myself in that state of mind-mostly because i vividly remember being puzzled that the OP found my first post troublesome and that i then went on to write the second one thinking that this one would make her laugh and she'd just love me and all would be kisses and dancing emoticons.

but i can categorically state that at no time did i think or try to transmit the thought that i doubted the OP or that i thought the sitution was her fault. now, gracie's point that her own attitude is the only way to address this is right on the money. now, as to what i did think...yeah, i did some smiling and shaking of the head at the original post-but only because the poster is committing such a very universal logic error and is either frank enough or still young enough not to have stopped being obvious about it.
and before anyone gets snippy, the "logic error" is simply failure to be objective-which is why i called it very universal. i was amused by the sheerly subjective characterization of the boyfriend's parents, delighted in my cynic's heart by the lack of hypocrisy in the omission of any of their good qualities or any hint that their point of view might be relevant. "Of course I didn't listen to them."
i tip my hat.
of course, i then imagined how such forthrightness would be perceived by people who felt the need to be that pushy in the first place...and started fantasizing about irresistable forces meeting an immovable object-with the boyfriend as the soft gooey center. and got the impression of a train wreck in progress that had little to do with cats, lots to do with a need to control others...and my brain took that information and reported back from an alternate dimension on what it thought. and since my brain was missing, i posted the report.

that's a fanciful way of explaining that i wasn't really running on all cylinders-can provide details if anyone cares. also, well, i am autistic. sometimes my humor misses not just the boat but the ocean. i hope everyone now gets that whatever the impression received, my intent was to give advice on dealing with controlling pushy people-which can be even harder for people who are assertive, because they tend to add energy to the conflict without intending to. hoping all are well...and izzie, i couldn't stay mad at you. (i'm surprised the p***ed survived...i hadn't even noticed until you said something.) i'm showing the new baby cat pictures of you, so he'll have a role model...kaya and jadyn are GIRRRLLS. you're a manly maine coon who had the same "operation" Jim did, so i thought that would work.wink
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