|Purred: Thu May 15, '08 10:15am PST |
|When I took Abbie to be diagnosed, my husband was even upset with me for paying all the money I did at the internal medicine specialist's office. He thought that, at 17, it was probably just her time. But Abbie had been my baby long before I met my husband. She was my baby when I dated all the wrong guys or got my heart broken by the ones I thought were the right ones, She was my baby when I finally did meet the right one. She was my baby when I was having miscarriages and thought I'd never have a human baby. And she was there when I miraculously had a human baby of my own and Abbie loved her as if she were her own kitten. Every ounce of Abbie's body was made up of love, so I was just not prepared to let that love die without giving it a fight. Plus, I just felt that she was telling me she wanted to stay.
I tormented myself over when to let her go, but the day she was ready, she told me with her mannerisms and her eyes. I knew without a doubt. It didn't make it any easier, but at least I knew I had done everything possible, had helped her feel better, but that she was ready. I believe she loved us so much that she would have held on until she was truly suffering - just to be with us.
Lymphoma has an incredibly successful remission rate, and I had been told that with her health being good other than that, I could probably have her around for another two or more years. I thought that it might be easier to let her go at 20 than at 17. I ended up only getting one more year - and it was a very difficult year at that. But would never do it differently. I think that time also gave me the opportunity to accept that she was terminally ill and it gave me a chance to garner the strength to make that final decision.
But you have a very small baby so I know your situation is so different. I will say that once the treatment starts, the change is incredible. The vomiting and diarrhea stop (for the most part) and the kitties pick up some weight. It takes time to get to this point, and that is only if their little bodies respond well to treatment.
I guess what I'm saying is that you have to make the decision that is best - and safest - for your family. If it is possible to do the chemo treatments outside of the home (and even let Bear stay at the vet until the chemo is out of his system for that cycle - I don't know how many days that would be), that could buy you some time while the medicine starts to work.
I know how much you love him. I loved Abbie with all my heart. She was my kitty soul mate and my heart still aches for her. But I look back at all I did and wonder how I had the stamina to do all that steam cleaning, disinfecting, shot giving, pilling, chemo giving, sub-q giving... it's just a testament to the power of love.
Your love will guide you, along with your vet and your husband (who seems to love Bear just as much as you). Don't listen to the rest of your friends and family who don't understand. They are not in your situation and can only look in from outside. They mean well, but they don't understand.
As you will find with your baby, two years can be a long time. So much happens in that time - so if you can keep Bear with you to be a part of that, I totally understand your desire. (Two years is also incredibly short, because my little girl is now six and I'm not quite sure how that happened; she was just a tiny baby and now she's in Kindergarten!)
My heart is heavy for you, with the decisions you must make. I apologize for my ramblings, but I hope they have helped. My daughter has been talking to me non-stop, and my writing always suffers when that happens.
But I am here for you - whatever you decide.
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