May 9, 2012

So Lil Bear, dear sweet one. Why??? WHy??? Why couldn't I save you? Why coudln't anyone help you? Now I realize that not only did you have kidney failure, but I believe you started life with FelV and not one of the vets could/would tell me that. They ridiculed me with long words and little action. Why did they put you through so much? Why did I? Force feeding you, putting every type of supplement in you to see if ANYTHING could save you. I was desperate. I know the bone marrow biopsy was definitive but they never say FelV only that you had no white blood cells. They put you on Neoral and I prayed it would help no matter how expensive it was. I hated forcing you to take your subQ fluids, just as much as you hated it. I hated forcing you to eat just as much as you hated it, but you HAD to eat. And as long as you ran to greet me I vowed I would try no matter how many hours a day or how many medicines or supplements, or how many vet visits it took. But the last infection you got took you fairly quickly. I didn't want you to spend it on a metal table or in a metal cage with strangers. And you hurt so much all over I couldn't touch you so why make you suffer gettng you to the vet? They could not help you at that point, I knew this in my heart, but it still hurts me so much. And your last day on Earth was not pleasant. You were in so much pain that you wouldn't allow me to touch you or move you...so we slept (or you did) together on the couch, my hand on your precious little tail. I stirred when I heard you grasping for air knowing I was losing you then and there. Know your little body was shutting down and I could do nothing my cradle you in my arms and beg you to go, that it was okay, you needed peace, even though I have found none. That day you stopped running to greet me...and I began chasing the dream that you would always be with me, WHY??????? Why does this anguish still consume me so? I love you Lil Bear. I LOVE YOU. MEOWMY

April 12, 2012

Meowmy still refers to dates and events as "before" I passed away and "after" I passed away. I know meowmy misses me so very much. I miss her too. She still measures her happiness based on days she does or doesn't cry over losing me.

THough she has many others who take up her heart, inclduing the Siamese terror due of BooBear and DoodleBug, despite all the rescues and fosters, she still aches for me. I pray we will be reunited one day. She feels guilt at not feeling the loss of human loved ones as much as seh still feels mine...what to do? How to heal?

So sad

lil bear, meow my misses u. Misses u horribly. Please wait for me at RB. Please. I will be there to hold u again. I have to hold u again my love.

It's my Birthday and I'll cry if I want to...

Meowmy is crying and I am too. I miss my mewomy and I KNOW she misses me terribly. Her heart still aches unbearably soemtimes. She wishes she could have saved me adn still feels guilty that she could not.

The Fall of 2011 10-13-11

Mmrreow. Meowmy is feelign sad and thinking about me a lot lately. She misses me and see me in BooBear's face every ay. Meowmy is grateful she has Boo to take care of and love in my honor, but still...she misses me. And I know as the Holidays draw near along come the memories of last fall when I was still on earth, though not well. Of decorating for the Holidays (meowmy loves the holidays), and her praying for antoher Christmas with me. That didn't happen and I became an Angel 3 weeks before Christmas. It was extremely hard on meowmy and I know it will be hard again this year as it will be every year. I hope BooBear and DoodleBug give her so much love that her sadness doesn't overhwelm her. I cannot wait to be with my meowmy once again.
LB

October 7, 2011

I sent meowmy an angel but BooBear has a bit of devil in her too! HeHe. I wasn't an easy one with all my illnesses, why should BooBear be, though she is absolutely healthy? Besides, meomwy loves her lots and will deal with whatever is necessary, of that I was sure!

Angel Lil Bear

September 8-2011

Meowmy remembers this time last year as I was recovering from my bone marrow biopsy. She felt so awful for me and wasn't sure I would survive, but she needed to know what, if anything , she could do to give me life. Hopign the prognosis was good when it turned out to be bad. They went in two places, my front shoulder and my back hip and it HURT!!! They couldn't get ANY white blood cells out of either area. Very bad news and mewomy was so sad she put me through the surgery. I know she only wanted to help me, but she was so guilty feelingn and so devastated.

She didn't know that I would only have a few months left to live. And now, with BooBear acting up, she is hurting all over again. Devastated by BooBear's spraying behavior and mourning the loss of me still...

I wish I coudl throw meowmy a rainbow and ray of hope, at least with BooBear
LB

Mission Accomplished 9-1-11

I do believe I have accomplished my mission of sending some furkids in need meowmy's way to help themand help her. Though I know there is not a single day that goes by that meowmy doesn't think of me and remember me adnit still makes her veru sad. But meowmy doesn't have much time to be sad alot. My furkids I sent her are keeping her very busy.
Meowmy hopes (I know this because I know everythign she thinsk while I'm at Rainbow Bridge)that I will visit her in the night to guide her and let her know I am here and safe. She cries because she hasn't been able to feel my presence much. I will try harder so that she will be able to connect with my spirit and feel me with her always.
We have a love os strong fo reach other. Meowmy sometime sdoes see my spirit inBooBear and I hope she recognizes it truly IS me through Boo.
I ask meowmy not to think of the night I died, but of the life I lived with her.
The necklace Martha sent her always makes her smile that such person would care enough to make and send her a tribute to me for her to wear.

August 17, 2011

I hope meowmy takes care of DoodleBug and BooBear. I sent them both to heal meowmy's heart and give her something to take care of whiel I'm at Rainbow Bridge. She certainly has her hands full now! MOL

Sunday 7-31-11

I believe Lil Bear has provided proof that she is OK that BooBear has come to live with me, that I rescued her. I'm pretty sure she approved that another Siamese kitten would help my heart a little, knowing BooBear doesn't even resemble Lil Bear.
HOWEVER...when BooBear jumped up on the couch behind me Sunday evening (and I wasn't paying attention to which kitty it was...) I got the chills when I heard a little trill...the very same trill Lil Bear used to save just for me, only this was BooBear!!! Though BooBear doesn't resemble Lil Bear in looks (lynx-point vs. seal-point) she certainly is just as quiet as Lil Bear was and that trill...well I am POSITIVE it was Lil Bear through BooBear. I have grown to deeply love BooBear almost as much as my precious Lil Bear.
I still miss Lil Bear every single day, some days much more that others and I think the pain and sorrow will always be with me. BooBear has put that secret little smile back into my heart and we have bonded more than I thought we would or that I thought I could allow. Now there is the fear, the fear of losing BooBear too...
Meowmy