June 5th 2012 10:20 am
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Lil Bear, her death is STILL devastating to me. However, if she were here she would recommend that you read 'a big little life" by Dean Koontz about his dog Trixie.
Meowmy laughed and cried and cried more because I was her "special angel" on earth. Meowmy believes I will still be her "special angel" in Heaven. Yet still, she mourns for me because it seems to her that life on Earth is more difficult without me, that the time is too long when we will be in each others arms once again.
May 9th 2012 12:44 pm
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So Lil Bear, dear sweet one. Why??? WHy??? Why couldn't I save you? Why coudln't anyone help you? Now I realize that not only did you have kidney failure, but I believe you started life with FelV and not one of the vets could/would tell me that. They ridiculed me with long words and little action. Why did they put you through so much? Why did I? Force feeding you, putting every type of supplement in you to see if ANYTHING could save you. I was desperate. I know the bone marrow biopsy was definitive but they never say FelV only that you had no white blood cells. They put you on Neoral and I prayed it would help no matter how expensive it was. I hated forcing you to take your subQ fluids, just as much as you hated it. I hated forcing you to eat just as much as you hated it, but you HAD to eat. And as long as you ran to greet me I vowed I would try no matter how many hours a day or how many medicines or supplements, or how many vet visits it took. But the last infection you got took you fairly quickly. I didn't want you to spend it on a metal table or in a metal cage with strangers. And you hurt so much all over I couldn't touch you so why make you suffer gettng you to the vet? They could not help you at that point, I knew this in my heart, but it still hurts me so much. And your last day on Earth was not pleasant. You were in so much pain that you wouldn't allow me to touch you or move you...so we slept (or you did) together on the couch, my hand on your precious little tail. I stirred when I heard you grasping for air knowing I was losing you then and there. Know your little body was shutting down and I could do nothing my cradle you in my arms and beg you to go, that it was okay, you needed peace, even though I have found none. That day you stopped running to greet me...and I began chasing the dream that you would always be with me, WHY??????? Why does this anguish still consume me so? I love you Lil Bear. I LOVE YOU. MEOWMY
April 12th 2012 12:41 pm
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Meowmy still refers to dates and events as "before" I passed away and "after" I passed away. I know meowmy misses me so very much. I miss her too. She still measures her happiness based on days she does or doesn't cry over losing me.
THough she has many others who take up her heart, inclduing the Siamese terror due of BooBear and DoodleBug, despite all the rescues and fosters, she still aches for me. I pray we will be reunited one day. She feels guilt at not feeling the loss of human loved ones as much as seh still feels mine...what to do? How to heal?
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