July 2nd 2011 2:18 pm
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Time is not helping at all in fact it is making things much worse for me. I can’t sleep and when I do it is just for a few hours. I feel so bad about missing our Furiends important days, we miss singing and giving gifts, I just can’t right now. I am truly sorry for that, YOU GUYS mean so much to us and we LOVE YOU SO MUCH and we just hate not being there for you right now.
I was suppose to have posted this three week ago, I just could not, I was and still so devastated about losing MY BABY. I don’t think I will ever get over this, I feel so numb inside, I feel so alone, just empty. I really feel like when Adam died so did I. It seems I am just stuck on May 13, 2011 3:15 p.m. This day keeps looping for me, I just can’t get past this day or the last few hours. I wake up all the time seeing him when he died and feeling so guilty for letting him die like that, I hope he was not in any pain. I just could not take him to the place where he hated to go. I feel like I am in quick sand sinking and sinking and wishing a gray paw will catch my hand and pull me out. I just feel like I am going thought this all by myself, nobody understands me at all. I got Adam’s Grave Marker in the other day, I cried so much as I unwrapped it, I think he will like it, it is Beautiful just like HE is. There is also an update on me too. Here is my diary.
I didn’t sleep much last night, I guess I will not either tonight, thinking about what I was doing one month ago.
I can hardly type this, tears are streaming down my face as I type this. I can’t stand this. I can’t believe it has been one month since I held my baby, one month since I kissed those Babboo lips, one month since I looked into those eyes, one month since I heard you meow, one month since I felt your whiskers on my face. I could go on with so much I am missing right now. My heart feels like it is going to explode with pain.
I am so empty inside, I can’t do anything, I farm to get my mind off things, but my mind always drifts back to Adam, Adam, Adam, MY LOVE!
I am so sorry I haven’t sent gifts out for your special days. I am so sorry “THE GANG OF FURS“ has not sung, they are just too sad right now, or Thank you paw mails out, even answered your sweet paw mails. I am just so numb, I don’t want to do anything.
I would like to Thank my furry sweet friends who has sent me VERY SPECIAL Gifts and cards, they did help me. THANK YOU for Caring so much about Adam & Me. I will write another diary about that later on.
I just don’t think I can go on. Little did I know 12 years ago this tiny little Boy, that I could hold in the palm of my hand would dig his claws so DEEP into MY HEART. Then that terrible day May 13, 2011 3:15 P.M. those claws were ripped from my heart and left a huge hole in my heart and soul, that I know will NEVER heal or mend. He really did leave HUGE PAW PRINTS ON MY HEART.
Monday, I went to feed my girls and stood up and hit my head so very hard on a sharp metal corner. I could see stars and things were starting to go black. I got into bed. It is still hurting so very bad, I can’t touch it and I am dizzy, can‘t look up or move my head fast, it just hurts so very bad. My Mom & Uncle wants me to go to the Doctor, but I don’t. Maybe this is my way back to You, Adam. I really thought I was going to see him the other night, I felt really strange inside and I thought maybe I was getting my wish to be with Adam. But, then I am thinking about “MY GIRLS” I have 4 Beautiful Girls who LOVE and NEED me. I LOVE and NEED them too. But, I want to leave so bad. But, I want to see them grow up. I am going to let nature take its course, I will be OK or I will join Adam.
I finally had to go to the Doctor, it was hurting so bad. I felt like I was going to throw up and I felt like I was going to faint all the time, just in so much pain. They had to do a Cat Scan, Unfortunately nothing showed up, so I guess I didn’t get my wish. I don’t know if that is good or bad. My head is still KILLING me, I can’t sleep with this pain. I think something is wrong somewhere, I still feel like I want to faint and throw up all the time. It REALLY hurts bad.
Nobody understands the pain I am in, I just feel all alone. I hold my girls and I try to play with them, but it is just too hard. They all gather in my room at night or anywhere I go they all seem to appear in the room I am in. They do LOVE ME.
Some people keep asking me if I LOVE Adam more, since I have not stopped crying. NO, NO, I would and feel like this for ALL MY BABIES. I LOVE THEM ALL THE SAME. I might have known Adam longer and he was so sick and I had to see about him, but NO, I LOVE ALL OF THE THEM SAME.
Eve is finally eating her Royal CaninSO , I give her about one teaspoon a day, then her hard food. I give her Friskies the next day for that with the chicken, the only one that does not have brewers rice in it. So far she is peeing good.
I know so many of our Furiends have sick Babies right now, WE are sending MANY PRAYERS & HUGS & KITTY KISSES & MUCH MUCH LOVE to all in need.
I finally fixed Adam’s page, but I could not stand to see wings on my BABY, so I didn’t put him any. But, He would have the Biggest, finest and the most Beautiful Pair of Wings. Some of our Furiends sent pictures of him, I just can’t put them up yet, baby steps right now. It might take awhile to put them up. I also put the picture of what Adam sent to me. Our entwined hearts in the dirt, you guys probably will not see it, but, I do, I KNOW Adam sent that to me. I KNOW he is waiting for me. The rest of this is to Adam , My Baby Boy, My Son, My Sweet Babboo, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
My Dear Sweet Babboo, My Adam, I can’t stand being apart from you, my heart just hurts so much, I just feel so alone without you, I keep telling myself which is so very hard, I can’t believe I am about to say this to YOU, but, I KNOW you are happy there. You are whole again, You are out of pain. You showed Me you were happy with that Pink Nose you sent to me. But, it still does not help me. I THANK GOD everyday for sending me You and Eve and Pudd and Puff and Pumpkin and Little One to me. GOD KNEW I would take care of you and your Sisfurs. God gave me such PAWSOME GIFTS by sending You Guys to me. I read how God sends them to people to teach them things. You sure did, YOU showed me how to LOVE again after Misha died. And so much more. I feel so sorry for those who don’t realize what a precious GIFT You are and they just let you go without really knowing what TRUE LOVE is all about. It is so true, you have never been LOVED unless you have been LOVED by a CAT.
God sent You to Me to take care of and God needed You back. I KNOW YOU are happy and I am so glad you are with God. I KNOW he is taking care of You now, until I get there. I would not trust anybody but GOD to look after MY BABIES for me until I get there. And YES, we will be together again, someday, I KNOW that is so TRUE. I want to come now, but I need to take care of your Sisfurs.
I never thought of you as a cat, never did, you are MY BABY, MY CHILD. How can people mistreat such a sweet and kind GIFT, I just don’t know or understand.
I have been remembering all the good times we had. I go everyday and sit with you and I bring three diaries now. I write what I did with my girls and to you too. The second one I got a beautiful leather diary with the Footprints poem on the front and I write to You everyday, what I want to tell you, I tell you the same thing’s sometimes. The last diary I read to you out loud, the first two years of your life and our time together. I read and then I close my eyes and I can see us playing, I can’t believe I forgot some things. I finally got a camera so the rest of your time with me , I have on pictures and movies. I look at them and just cry, it seems I cry all the time.
Everybody is telling me I have to stop this and go on, don’t they know me, I can’t I just can’t right now. I am in such pain and nobody understands that.
I keep telling them when I lost Little One I cried for months and I only knew her for five days, so I just can’t stop after LOVING YOU for 12 short years.
I will stop, I know you are meowing telling me to stop, I can go on. I just miss You so much and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I can’t see anymore, too many tears now, my head is killing me, maybe I will come sooner than late to be with You. Adam, THANK YOU for coming the other night, I will write about that later, PLEASE NEVER stop coming to visit, I NEED YOU so bad right now. This PAIN, I can’t LIVE with it, because YOU are gone. But one day, we will be together again, all of us and we will play and run and just LOVE one another thought Eternity .
I have your picture on my computer and every night before I go to bed I Kiss those Sweet Babboo lips, one day I will kiss the real ones.
Good Night My Sweet Babboo, see you in My dreams. Mommy LOVES YOU so MUCH.
Please don't worry about us just take care of yourself. I sure hope you can get some peaceful sleep. Adam is over the bridge and sprinkling angel dust on you. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Purring for you so much! I found this website: http://www.petloss.com/. They have a memorial candle lighting ceremony every Monday. Maybe it will offer some comfort.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you! We all love you soooooo very much!!
Sending you some special purrs.
We are purring deeply for you. Please don't think you did anything wrong because you didn't. Adam was very sick and he knew it was his time. Your family, Friends, and Catster friends all need you, and we love you.
Love and purrs are comfort are sent to you.
Purring for you all! Hugs, hugs, hugs! We do care and are here for you!!
Hugs, Nala Sue
Our hearts hurts so much for you.
Please take of yourself and don't worry about us.
We will be here when you need us on your time.
Sending you hugs and purrs of comfort. We love you so much!
Dear Adams mommy,
I feel so badly for you, as Adams person, that you are suffering so. We, as elderwise kitties, don't want our people to suffer.
My dear, you have given Adam love and care and been with him throughout life. We know you grieve, and you perhaps need that outpouring of sadness to move through it. Yet, as the blithe spirits we are, here for shorter times than our humans, we don't fear or grieve going back to where we came from...and we will dance back across the bridge again, to comfort and love.
Please my dear, rest assured in knowing Adam is well. He will perhaps return in cat form to you, when the timing is right, and he's completed his own cycle on the other side. You must not neglect or hurt yourself...you must gather up your strength and know that purrs and prayers surround you. He's sent you a lovely reminder that he loves you...understand that he's very much alive...we shed bodies, not Us. The hard part about crossing to the bridge...for we don't worry and fret about it as humans do...is that we leave behind those with 2 legs we love...
Rest, and allow yourself to heal. Be comforted in the rainbows, in the beauty of nature, in those around you who love you. All of these are a part of Adam.
Licking away your tears, and pressing a gentle paw to your heart....
with healing purrs,
Natalie the Natcat
We miss you all singing to us too; come back and sing again; we love it when you all sing. Pumpkin, Puff, Puddin & Eve will need lots of attention and every-kitty gets their turn.
Things will get bettter; I hope you're feeling better now. How terrible you hit your head - I hope a doctor has checked it out again & that all is excellent and that the doctor has put your mind at ease.
I love the two hearts in the dirt in your Photo. That is an amazing gift from God, and from Adam too. We believe in these happenings.
My Dad went through what you are, such as the daily care and daily attention paid to Serena for practically two years. She was always on his mind and he was always trying to be sure things were going well for her. Then when she was gone, all that constant care is missed; you feel you're missing something.
We miss the busy-ness of being so busy with the sick kitty. All that extra activity is over; all the care you gave them is over now. And it's something we say 'Why is my kitty gone when I gave such constant care'. Those kinds of thoughts will take awhile to get over. Then, the rest of your kitties will naturally take from you all of your Attention!
My dad lost his father last November, then lost his mom just this past May, and then Serena in June. He starts to say "this is not right. This should not happen" and then he has to stop himself because he says "I cannot doubt or question what God has done. God has taken away these three from me. But I am not to ever say He did the wrong thing. God always does the right thing and we do not always see the results until later; and sometimes we see the results sooner. We have something to learn with this. Therefore never worry. Never fear".
God sends us our kitties and our people and when he takes them back we cannot question that. We are taught to have the faith to endure; it is hard but that is what we are learning to do. And he'll reward us.
So keep your faith; something good is going to happen. We are no experts on this, we are learning step by step like everyone else.
Adam is in Heaven now but you have his photos, memories and maybe he'll see you in a dream or two. There seems to be two parts to our lives: Having the real life beside us and then having the memories of them beside us.
We look forward to reading what the rest of your Fur-mily will be doing in their diaries!
Love Ginger xo
*Timmy Tomcats Pop*
This is a bit late in coming as we have not really been up to date with our catster furs for this year. I am handicapped but still need to work so I can provide this home for my sister and myself, and, of course, our wonderful furs. I have always loved cats and sister has loved dogs. Odd huh?
Well I really hope you are feeling better at this time. By better I do not mean that there is any less love for Adam Dylan! I just hope it is easier.
When I lost my Inky he had been with me for almost 22 years. Just about my entire adult life! Ups and downs and all arounds and my little man was there. He was not even the friendliest kitty but he was always there with a meow and a purr.
Now his mother WAS the friendliest. I lost my Pee when I was in the nursing home learning to move after my accident. I had been in hospitals for about 4 months and my fiancee(Now gone) even brought her to visit.
I guess I am kind of rambling as when I think of my wonderful cats, still to this day, I tear up. I feel the loss. I have so many fond memories.
All of my cat losses have been very hard. I really seem to connect with all my furs. There is one thing that has helped greatly!
When Inky was 21 or there about there was a neighbor who moved in next door. A very nice young lady who was in college. Long story short one day she approached me in my driveway and just stated "You have a cat?". I said yes and realized she had been talking to my sister. She asked if I could take a kitten? She worked for Spay and Save and had 2 kittens that needed a home.
"No! I cannot. My Inky is 21 and..."
Well we spoke for a few minutes and then I went in. About 2 days later she again approached me. This time I went into her house and, well, I did not see the kits as they hid. She said they needed socialization. She grabbed one from under the chair and I looked at "Potter". He was an orange tabby and named after Henry Potter. LOL
I gave him a quick pet and thanked her but no thank you and went home. So again in 2 days in the drive she said "If it does not work out you can bring him back." So OK. I relented.
That is my Timmy Tomcat! He is a wonderful fellow. Sadly my Inky passed some 4 months later. I was very very sad. I did not take him to the vet after some 2 times as he hated it also. I wonder to this day if that was right? I miss him still. But I have a new furend in Tim.
I got Tim a pal when I went back to work(Had too after 4 years of disability draining every cent) Toby!
Mr Toby is wonderful too!
Then at work someone who had been working on the wiring asked about rescue and where to take a cat as he saw my postings in my cubicle. A month or so later there was Buddy. Buddy Bud is with my every morning during coffee. Not so much any other time but he was an abused cat and 8 years old when I got him. It took some 6 months for him to show himself when I was up and at home. I would hear him making cat noise as he came out every night to explore. He always used the pan and in the morning his meal would be gone. Tim and Toby ignored him completely. Now he is a part of the family and 10+.
I then got into rescue. I then got my Rumpy Bump
My problem child who is just starting to grow out of his daily causing trouble!
Last night I was in bed reading and there was Tim on my Right. Toby resting against my leg(One left Hah). Rumpy on my Left. With Buddy Bud at the foot of the bed! My family!
Losses I have had many. Losses I will have in the future. Personal, family, financial, friends, furs. It is in the giving and receiving today that it all makes sense. It is not what I ever expected or how I thought it would be as I was young and dreaming of my future. It is hard and difficult and at times I feel so tired I think I cannot go on. It is then I remember. It is then that one of the boys comes over.
Why here is Rumpy(causing a rumpus)laying on the key board! He looks up purring that "Prrrrttt".
Life is good.
Purrayers for you and yours!
And Da Boys of course
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