May 13th 2013 11:43 am
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My, SWEET Baby Boy, My Sweet Babboo, My Love, MY ADAM. I can’t believe it has been 2 years now. The week leading up to today, was so very hard for me. I have cried so much, I don’t know why that week was so very hard for me. I think about you all the time. YOU are never far from My Heart. I woke up today and that day came flooding back. I started to remember every little thing that happened that day. I look at the clock and think about what I was doing then. I feel you are here, the Girls are acting strange, looking down the hall. I was sitting on the floor where you left me. Are you here my Sweetheart? I will go later to your grave to put some flowers and to sit and talk to you. I hope you can send me a sign a message. I know you are ok , I just want to hear from you.
I miss my Babboo lips so much. I went on your page today. I was so happy that you are still remembered and that they haven’t forgot about My Baby Boy. Of course that made me cry too. THANK YOU SO MUCH for LOVING MY LOVE.
I was going to find a poem or write something yesterday, but I just couldn't. There are no words that can say what I am feeling.
Adam, I miss you so very much, it is strange, when I do something with the girls, I still think I wonder if or what Adam would think.
My heart just hurts so very much today. BUT, I can just think that one day we WILL be together again and we WILL walk in the sun, without a harness and you can chase butterflies. We WILL have Eternity together for many walks and We WILL walk alone, that WILL be “OUR TIME”, just Me and My Son. You WILL be able to chase your SisFurs and just hang out with them.
Adam, I MISS YOU and I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH.
Purrs & Very Sad Tears,
Mommy & “THE GIRL GANG OF FURS”
December 19th 2012 9:39 pm
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I am sitting here listening to your music, as the tears just stream down my face. I can’t believe this is the second year I can’t celebrate your Meowday with YOU. I am trying to type, but I can’t see. My Adam , MY LOVE, I miss you still so very much. I still look for You. You haven’t sent me a message since Your Last Meowday, I guess that was the last one You could send me. I know you are watching over Me and Your SisFurs. You sent me such a gift last year, I will tell everyone what you sent me last year.
It was raining so very hard all day. I have to go , so I walked slowly under an umbrella to your grave. I had a chair to sit in. I sat and sung Happy Meowday To You. I was crying so much and I talked to you. Then I was just sitting there crying when all of a sudden this bright light was shining in my eyes. I looked up and I could not believe, the sun was coming out. But it was just over your grave and me. Its like Heaven just open its window. I looked up over my head, what I saw was a very blue sky and sun. But, I looked over further and I was shocked, it was still dark and grey and raining, but not where I was. I looked on the ground and I could not believe what I saw……………..
On the ground was a shadow, what I couldn’t believe , that it was in the shape of an Angel, yes an Angel. I really could feel You there. I know YOU WERE THERE!
I cried more, I talked to You more. I KNEW You were showing me what you were seeing in Heaven. YOU were showing me that it is Sunny and Bright and just BEAUTIFUL at the Bridge.
After awhile the Sun went away, just as quickly as it showed up. It looked like Heaven just closed its door to me.
I looked up again and the blue sky was gone, it was so dark and gloomy again. I KNEW there was no way the Sun would have came out that day, it was too dark and rainy and gloomy. But, YOU HAD to come see Me and to share this wonderful feeling to me and to make me feel what you are feeling and to tell me that you are ok. You have sent me so many gifts from Heaven, to let me know that you are ok and happy. I did feel some what better knowing and seeing where you are. I just miss you so very much.
I told your Maw Maw what happened at first she didn’t believe it , but then she told me that when she went to get the mail. She looked at your grave and saw a light from Heaven shining down on your grave. It was raining but not on your grave.
I KNOW where you are, I know YOU are SAFE and HAPPY and YOU are with GOD. I know GOD is taking good care of YOU until I get there to hold and just LOVE MY SWEETHEART once again.
I will come today and HOPE and PRAY that maybe just maybe you might could come and just send me a message, to let me know you haven’t forgot about ME.
You would have been 14 today. I miss you MY LOVE, MY SWEETHEART. You are still THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I hope YOU have a good day My BABY. I know You and Little One will have fun today.
HAPPY MEOWDAY ADAM.
LOVE YOU with ALL MY HEART ADAM.
May 12th 2012 11:35 pm
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Oh my, this is so very hard to type. I still can’t believe I am really typing this. I can’t believe it has been a year since My Sweet Adam left me that terrible day. I am still stuck on that day and that time 3:15 when I heard that terrible scream and He was gone. Time has not helped in fact it just makes things worse, I still cry at strange times, I see something that reminds me of Adam and I cry. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing that sound and start to cry. This has been so very hard on me and I know My heart will never mend, this pain will never go away or ease. There is a huge hole in my Heart that will never close.
I look back all the time thinking what if I did
What if I could go back and do things over, better than I did.
It is the little things I miss,
I miss him yowling at the door.
I miss him waking me up in the middle of the night saying Mommy wake up I AM HUNGRY!
I miss those big BEAUTIFUL eyes looking at me first thing in the morning.
I miss him walking in my room with his nails clicking on the floor, nobody else did that, I knew he was in there.
I miss him purring when I would walk in the room and sit with him or hold him.
I miss him grunting when I petted him.
I miss holding MY BABY.
I miss kissing those Babboo Lips, that I long to kiss right now.
I miss him kissing me, he was such a good kisser.
I miss taking him for walks.
I miss so many more things.
I MISS ADAM.
I know he is in a better place, I know he is out of pain, healthy and young and he has his little toe back, but it still does not help me with this pain I am in.
Adam, MY LOVE,
I still can’t believe you are gone. I am so sorry I could not save you, I tried so very hard. I am so sorry I let you down. I am so sorry I can’t handle this better. I am so sorry you have to see me this way. I know you have come to visit me, I felt you here. I know you are trying to heal my heart. You have taught me so much, You taught me to LOVE again. You gave so much to me and you still are giving to me with all the signs you send to me. Oh MY LOVE, there is so much I want to say but I can’t see for all the tears falling. You were such a big part of me and now all I feel is numb and empty inside. Of all days for this to fall on, Mother’s Day, it just hits me harder. But, any day would be hard. Coming to this day, was so hard for me, I knew I had to write a diary for you.
My LOVE, I can’t type any more.
One day WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN, then just maybe my tears will end and all there will be left is Happiness & Joy, because once again We are together again. Until then MY LOVE.
I LOVE YOU ADAM SO SO VERY MUCH.
January 31st 2012 1:15 pm
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I am just Speechless.
I want to THANK the very Sweet and very Generous Person who, not only sent My Adam a Beautiful Forever Heart of Gold, but also gave us a year of Catster Plus. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH, this doesn’t say what this did for me, with all the things going on in my life, it is so very nice to know there are so many SWEET & KIND People here on Catster.
It seems that just a THANK YOU isn’t enough to say for this Kindness, but this has made me cry so I can’t type anymore.
THANK YOU FOR LOVING US!
Purrs & MUCH LOVE,
ADAM & CHRISTY
January 26th 2012 12:17 am
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First off, I have to apologize again for being a Terrible Person to all of our good and sweet Furiends. I am so ashamed of myself for not sending and saying THANK YOU for sending Adam’s gifts on his Meowday and for ALL the gifts you guys have been sending to all my babies. I AM SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME!
I am just having such a very hard time, NO EXCUSE, I am just BAD. Sorry guys.
The holidays were really hard, Adam’s Meowday, just days before Christmas. Christmas was so hard, unwrapping gifts and not finding Adam under the paper or him on the bed HIGH on his new catnip toy. Then New Years Eve, when midnight came I went and found MY LOVE to kiss him, but this year all I had was his picture on my computer screen. So I kissed that and wished him a happy New Year and said I hope you felt my kiss in heaven. I went and found all my girls and kissed them and wished them a happy New Year. Then I took my diaries to the back bedroom, where he loved to stay and held his picture and kissed it and wrote in my diaries to Adam and what I did with My Girls that day. There I sat writing and crying as the fireworks went off outside.
Rambling again, sorry again.
13 years ago I found THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, yep, I found out when was My GOTCHA DAY, January 26, 1999. Yep, that date and day I will always remember. I found My Sweetheart. Little did I know that day, the happiest day of my life would come to a screeching halt May 13, 2011. I never thought My Love would be gone now. That day still haunts me and I still cry everyday. Things remind me of My Adam and I guess it always will. I try so hard to keep busy but Adam always seems to creep into my thoughts and then I start to cry.
WOW! 13 years it would have been. I am just BLESSED to have had MY LOVE 12 short Years. I don’t know why I thought He would stay forever, I guess a lot of Mommies and Daddies feel that way. They are here for just a very short time, we all need to just LOVE and HOLD and PLAY with them everyday, you NEVER know when they are going to leave you. All we have to do then is think one day we will see them again and then we will be together again forever. I just have to keep reminding myself about this.
I want to tell you guys about Adam’s Meowday, of course he sent me a message, he had to. This diary is not for that. But I want to tell you about that day. My baby Boy sent me a BEAUTIFUL Message and I want to share it with you.
I never knew when his Gotcha Day was until lately. So.
HAPPY GOTCHA DAY ADAM, MY SWEET BABY BABBOO!
from Mommy and “THE GIRL GANG OF FURS”
WE LOVE YOU!
December 24th 2011 3:27 pm
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This is Christy,
THANK YOU for ALL the Mistletoe today. WE LOVE THEM!
I tried to use the new way to send to all at once i did, I see some did not get one, i guess you can't send to all at once. So I sent them out again, but this time a page at a time 100 at a time, i LOVE IT so easy and this way i can send one to EVERY FUR!
Sorry if you got them twice, but they are so pretty on our pages. If a Family member did not get one, PLEASE PLEASE paw mail me and tell me we want to send one to EVERY Family member, also it might be because you are a new Family member and we are not Furiends, if you see we are not Furiends PLEASE send a request we want to be FURIENDS with ALL FAMILY Members.
ADAM & "THE GANG OF FURS" & CHRISTY
December 20th 2011 12:51 am
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This is Christy,
First off I want to apologize AGAIN, for not THANKING YOU GUYS for sending us gifts. I am just a BAD TERRIBLE PERSON! My mind is just crazy still, I am still crazy so PLEASE FORGIVE ME! We do appreciate all the gifts and I don’t know why I can’t do this and for making Puff & Little One’s pictures for their DOTD honors. I feel so guilty for not doing this.
I can’t believe it has been 220 days and now over 7 months since MY BABY left me. I am still having such a very hard time with this, I don’t know why this has just hit me like a ton of bricks and I CAN’T move from Friday May 13TH at 3:15 when He left me. That day haunts me , I see those last few moments of him and what happened, I can’t get that sound he made when he left out of my mind. I can’t sleep at all, I stay up till 6 in the morning, I have to be so sleepy so I can’t think when I do get to bed. Then if I do go to sleep I dream of him dying, no good dreams at all. I don’t understand why I can’t have good dreams about him. I have had a few strange dreams about him and I will tell you about them in another diary . I would like to see what you guys think what they mean.
I have got my Guys to sing again, but it is so sad to come here, it seems like all of our Sweet Furiends are leaving too , which just brings me back to that day again. I cry all the time , it’s just the person I am, I can’t change how I feel or act. I LOVE with ALL MY HEART and when Adam left, my heart went too. I try to occupy my mind by playing Farmville, that helps some, but I just don’t want to get out or do anything. I write in my diary every night to Adam and then my other diary of what I did with my girls, which I feel like I am a bad mommy now, because I don’t play with them like I should. They stay with me and everywhere I go they go. They do stay in my lap and I am trying, but this is just killing me. I hate to whine, I know there are so many here that knows my pain and has been or going thru it right now. I am just a very sensitive person , I have always been this way. I know Adam would not want me to do this, but then he would understand too, he knew me so well.
I have been writing this for weeks now, every time I start, I cry. I can’t believe I can’t celebrate Adam’s Meowday with him. I can’t sing to him and I can’t give him a present. My Adam will not get his Arby’s roast beef sandwich, he always got one for his meowday, HE LOVES them. This is so very hard on me. I will go to his grave today and I will sing to Adam, it is going to rain hard, even the sky is crying because Adam is gone.
Adam, I miss you so much, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, it is just not the same. I want to type more, but the tears are falling again. I just want to pick you up and kiss you and sing to you and hold you and never let go. One day I will my Sweetheart, I know you are waiting for me. I just can’t believe you are gone and I can’t hold you and kiss you. One day I will until then MY LOVE , HAPPY MEOWDAY ADAM. Mommy LOVES YOU so VERY MUCH.
Purrs & MUCH LOVE,
July 2nd 2011 2:18 pm
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Time is not helping at all in fact it is making things much worse for me. I can’t sleep and when I do it is just for a few hours. I feel so bad about missing our Furiends important days, we miss singing and giving gifts, I just can’t right now. I am truly sorry for that, YOU GUYS mean so much to us and we LOVE YOU SO MUCH and we just hate not being there for you right now.
I was suppose to have posted this three week ago, I just could not, I was and still so devastated about losing MY BABY. I don’t think I will ever get over this, I feel so numb inside, I feel so alone, just empty. I really feel like when Adam died so did I. It seems I am just stuck on May 13, 2011 3:15 p.m. This day keeps looping for me, I just can’t get past this day or the last few hours. I wake up all the time seeing him when he died and feeling so guilty for letting him die like that, I hope he was not in any pain. I just could not take him to the place where he hated to go. I feel like I am in quick sand sinking and sinking and wishing a gray paw will catch my hand and pull me out. I just feel like I am going thought this all by myself, nobody understands me at all. I got Adam’s Grave Marker in the other day, I cried so much as I unwrapped it, I think he will like it, it is Beautiful just like HE is. There is also an update on me too. Here is my diary.
I didn’t sleep much last night, I guess I will not either tonight, thinking about what I was doing one month ago.
I can hardly type this, tears are streaming down my face as I type this. I can’t stand this. I can’t believe it has been one month since I held my baby, one month since I kissed those Babboo lips, one month since I looked into those eyes, one month since I heard you meow, one month since I felt your whiskers on my face. I could go on with so much I am missing right now. My heart feels like it is going to explode with pain.
I am so empty inside, I can’t do anything, I farm to get my mind off things, but my mind always drifts back to Adam, Adam, Adam, MY LOVE!
I am so sorry I haven’t sent gifts out for your special days. I am so sorry “THE GANG OF FURS“ has not sung, they are just too sad right now, or Thank you paw mails out, even answered your sweet paw mails. I am just so numb, I don’t want to do anything.
I would like to Thank my furry sweet friends who has sent me VERY SPECIAL Gifts and cards, they did help me. THANK YOU for Caring so much about Adam & Me. I will write another diary about that later on.
I just don’t think I can go on. Little did I know 12 years ago this tiny little Boy, that I could hold in the palm of my hand would dig his claws so DEEP into MY HEART. Then that terrible day May 13, 2011 3:15 P.M. those claws were ripped from my heart and left a huge hole in my heart and soul, that I know will NEVER heal or mend. He really did leave HUGE PAW PRINTS ON MY HEART.
Monday, I went to feed my girls and stood up and hit my head so very hard on a sharp metal corner. I could see stars and things were starting to go black. I got into bed. It is still hurting so very bad, I can’t touch it and I am dizzy, can‘t look up or move my head fast, it just hurts so very bad. My Mom & Uncle wants me to go to the Doctor, but I don’t. Maybe this is my way back to You, Adam. I really thought I was going to see him the other night, I felt really strange inside and I thought maybe I was getting my wish to be with Adam. But, then I am thinking about “MY GIRLS” I have 4 Beautiful Girls who LOVE and NEED me. I LOVE and NEED them too. But, I want to leave so bad. But, I want to see them grow up. I am going to let nature take its course, I will be OK or I will join Adam.
I finally had to go to the Doctor, it was hurting so bad. I felt like I was going to throw up and I felt like I was going to faint all the time, just in so much pain. They had to do a Cat Scan, Unfortunately nothing showed up, so I guess I didn’t get my wish. I don’t know if that is good or bad. My head is still KILLING me, I can’t sleep with this pain. I think something is wrong somewhere, I still feel like I want to faint and throw up all the time. It REALLY hurts bad.
Nobody understands the pain I am in, I just feel all alone. I hold my girls and I try to play with them, but it is just too hard. They all gather in my room at night or anywhere I go they all seem to appear in the room I am in. They do LOVE ME.
Some people keep asking me if I LOVE Adam more, since I have not stopped crying. NO, NO, I would and feel like this for ALL MY BABIES. I LOVE THEM ALL THE SAME. I might have known Adam longer and he was so sick and I had to see about him, but NO, I LOVE ALL OF THE THEM SAME.
Eve is finally eating her Royal CaninSO , I give her about one teaspoon a day, then her hard food. I give her Friskies the next day for that with the chicken, the only one that does not have brewers rice in it. So far she is peeing good.
I know so many of our Furiends have sick Babies right now, WE are sending MANY PRAYERS & HUGS & KITTY KISSES & MUCH MUCH LOVE to all in need.
I finally fixed Adam’s page, but I could not stand to see wings on my BABY, so I didn’t put him any. But, He would have the Biggest, finest and the most Beautiful Pair of Wings. Some of our Furiends sent pictures of him, I just can’t put them up yet, baby steps right now. It might take awhile to put them up. I also put the picture of what Adam sent to me. Our entwined hearts in the dirt, you guys probably will not see it, but, I do, I KNOW Adam sent that to me. I KNOW he is waiting for me. The rest of this is to Adam , My Baby Boy, My Son, My Sweet Babboo, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
My Dear Sweet Babboo, My Adam, I can’t stand being apart from you, my heart just hurts so much, I just feel so alone without you, I keep telling myself which is so very hard, I can’t believe I am about to say this to YOU, but, I KNOW you are happy there. You are whole again, You are out of pain. You showed Me you were happy with that Pink Nose you sent to me. But, it still does not help me. I THANK GOD everyday for sending me You and Eve and Pudd and Puff and Pumpkin and Little One to me. GOD KNEW I would take care of you and your Sisfurs. God gave me such PAWSOME GIFTS by sending You Guys to me. I read how God sends them to people to teach them things. You sure did, YOU showed me how to LOVE again after Misha died. And so much more. I feel so sorry for those who don’t realize what a precious GIFT You are and they just let you go without really knowing what TRUE LOVE is all about. It is so true, you have never been LOVED unless you have been LOVED by a CAT.
God sent You to Me to take care of and God needed You back. I KNOW YOU are happy and I am so glad you are with God. I KNOW he is taking care of You now, until I get there. I would not trust anybody but GOD to look after MY BABIES for me until I get there. And YES, we will be together again, someday, I KNOW that is so TRUE. I want to come now, but I need to take care of your Sisfurs.
I never thought of you as a cat, never did, you are MY BABY, MY CHILD. How can people mistreat such a sweet and kind GIFT, I just don’t know or understand.
I have been remembering all the good times we had. I go everyday and sit with you and I bring three diaries now. I write what I did with my girls and to you too. The second one I got a beautiful leather diary with the Footprints poem on the front and I write to You everyday, what I want to tell you, I tell you the same thing’s sometimes. The last diary I read to you out loud, the first two years of your life and our time together. I read and then I close my eyes and I can see us playing, I can’t believe I forgot some things. I finally got a camera so the rest of your time with me , I have on pictures and movies. I look at them and just cry, it seems I cry all the time.
Everybody is telling me I have to stop this and go on, don’t they know me, I can’t I just can’t right now. I am in such pain and nobody understands that.
I keep telling them when I lost Little One I cried for months and I only knew her for five days, so I just can’t stop after LOVING YOU for 12 short years.
I will stop, I know you are meowing telling me to stop, I can go on. I just miss You so much and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I can’t see anymore, too many tears now, my head is killing me, maybe I will come sooner than late to be with You. Adam, THANK YOU for coming the other night, I will write about that later, PLEASE NEVER stop coming to visit, I NEED YOU so bad right now. This PAIN, I can’t LIVE with it, because YOU are gone. But one day, we will be together again, all of us and we will play and run and just LOVE one another thought Eternity .
I have your picture on my computer and every night before I go to bed I Kiss those Sweet Babboo lips, one day I will kiss the real ones.
Good Night My Sweet Babboo, see you in My dreams. Mommy LOVES YOU so MUCH.
May 20th 2011 4:11 pm
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First off, I would like to THANK YOU for all the Gifts and Comments and Paw Mails and Group Comments. They REALLY MEAN A LOT to me right now. I try to read them and then I am crying again, but they help. KNOWING HOW MUCH You Guys LOVE ADAM & ME means so much to me right now. I now know “YOU GUYS” & “ MY GIRLS” will help me . Will help me through the darkest days for me.
I just came back visiting Adam, I go everyday and I go read to him out of my diary about our first 2 years. I am so THANKFUL I wrote that down. As I read this to Adam, I can’t believe I forgot about some things. When I read them I remember and I kind of smile. I can’t believe I forgot, I will NEVER FORGET anything again. It seems the end of each diary was me saying. Oh I JUST LOVE THIS LITTLE GUY or WE HAD SO MUCH FUN TODAY.
I just can’t believe you have been gone for a week now, this week has just flown by. I don’t know why I had to be there outside with you at 3:15, the time you left me. I just had to, I walk around like a zombie, as I sit at the computer at night, I keep looking down waiting for you to show up and look at me or jump on the keyboard and open the computer drawer, or open another window, you knew just what button to push to open them, my Computer Genius.
All this week, there has been this song that keeps playing in my mind. Harry Nilsson “Without You“. I put that song on your page today with some others. Those lyrics is what my heart is feeling right now.
No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows
No, I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now it's only fair that I should let you know
What you should know
I can't live if living is without you
I can't live, I can't give any more
I can't live if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give any more
No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows
I can't live if living is without you
I can't live, I can't give anymore
I can't live if living is without you
I can't live, I can't give anymore
I always heard of people dying of a broken heart, now I know how you can, because I am right now. I can’t eat, the first 3 days I did not eat anything at all except I did drink tea. The past week maybe I did get a roll and a piece of pie down. Your Maw Maw has been after me to eat, but I can’t it makes me sick and I just don’t want anything to eat. I know I need to eat, this is what you must have felt like, I feel that I am getting weak. I have to be strong for My Girls now. But, it seems like all my strength went when you did. One good thing , Miss Eve started to eat her Royal Canin SO for her Crystals, I KNOW you helped her. She ate it for two days, just a teaspoon, but today she ate just some of it not all. I think some how they know what today is. I know you are watching over her. Eve has a few more days to take her pills and then we will see if this is enough to eat to keep the crystals away.
I know my heart will never heal from this, I know you are out of pain and I can just see you so healthy and fat again running in the sun, smelling everything . Walking around with your tail in the air, so PROUD, my PROUD MAN CAT. I know you are much happier now, I know you didn’t want to leave me, I know you tried so hard to stay, just for me. But, I know you were sick and I didn’t want you to be in pain, I did not want you to hurt. Watching you die like that was the hardest thing I have ever done. I guess I had to see that, I guess it makes me stronger some how.
OUR LOVE will last FUREVER, I know you do too. Again, you sent me a sign. I saw that the other day when I came to talk to you. I walked up there and my heart just stopped. There in the dirt, I saw it. I know you sent that to me. In the dirt , I could not believe what I saw. I saw 2 hearts entwined, that is us, ENTWINED FUREVER . I know you sent that to me to let me know, we are still connected, even through death, we are connected. I took a picture and I will post it on your page. I know what I saw and yesterday when I went to see you, I still saw it and now I see a hole in one of them. I guess that heart is mine.
I know I need to do so much, I need to fix your page, I went the other day to put you in the groups with Little One, all the Rainbow Bridge Groups, but I could not . I need to make you some wings, I went the other night to find you some FINE WINGS, but I could not, all I can do is cry.
They keep telling me I have to get it together and keep going and stop crying and eat, but I can’t right now, that is just me. I know you know my heart and you know, when I LOVE, I LOVE with my whole heart and I just can’t turn it off. Your Maw Maw thinks I should start farming again on FB. I haven’t been on FB in a week. Maybe I should, maybe it might help and keep my mind busy. You and Eve and Me all have farms. I want you to have a fine farm, maybe I will work extra hard to make you a good farm.
I just can’t think right now, I am in a fog, it is so hard to type all your diaries. The tears are always flowing so hard when I do. It helps some to write down what I am feeling, but it is hard too. I go to sleep crying and wake up crying. The last thing I do every night is tell you Goodnight and the first one to tell Good morning to.
I still can’t believe you are gone, MY BABY BOY. I LOVE LOVE YOU SO MUCH, that is why MY HEART is breaking now, but it is all worth all that pain I am in because I met YOU and fell in LOVE WITH YOU! I would never want to take this PAIN away. I would go through all of this again if it meant I got to have you in my life and I got to be your mommy.
Why haven’t you come to see me, Why can’t I dream of you, when I finally get to sleep I PRAY I will dream of MY LOVE, but I don’t.
I found this poem, I thought of YOU, MY LOVE,
I Only Wanted You
They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.
Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.
REST EASY NOW, MY LOVE, MOMMY WILL BE THERE ONE DAY.
If I know you on that day, you will be pushing everybody away to meet me first.
Our EYES will MEET each other like we did 12 years ago and we will run to one another. I will bend down and pick you up and I will look into THOSE EYES and you will purr and purr, then finally I can KISS my BABBOO LIPS once more that I have longed to kiss, I will hug and hug you and then we will walk in the meadow, side by side and run and chase butterflies again. Then You & Eve & Pudd & Puff & Pumpkin & Little One will all be together again. “THE GANG OF FURS” will be reunited once again, and, oh how they will sing. They will be “ THE HEAVENLY GANG OF FURS” then.
I am glad I am in so much pain now, because I KNOW what REAL LOVE IS, because my HEART is Breaking.
LOVE YOU SWEET BABY ADAM,
May 18th 2011 9:52 am
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Thank you so much for all the paw mails and comments and gifts and photos and especially all the LOVE you have sent to Adam & Me. It makes a Mommy PROUD that so many LOVED my “BABY BOY”. It seems time has just stopped for me and I am reliving Friday over and over. My heart just hurts so bad I can’t stand it, the emptiness I feel right now. I still can’t believe My Babboo is gone, I keep looking at the places he slept and I can’t believe he is not there, all I do is cry, I just can’t stop. I hope you guys don’t mind this but, I will tell you .
I just don’t know what happened, week before last Adam was doing better, he had not had diarrhea in almost a month and I really really thought he was going to be OK, He was throwing up some and I know that was so hard for him and me. But, if he ate too much he would throw that up and lose everything. It was so hard to see those eyes look at me wanting food. I could feel those Beautiful eyes looking and begging for food. I know he did not understand why Mommy was being so mean to him and not feeding him like I use too. I fed him anytime he wanted food but then I could not. I know he must have grown to hate me for that, he was so hungry and so so very skinny when he died. I was such a bad mommy at the end.
I took him to the vet that Monday and Tuesday about 3 days before, he just went down so fast and so quick, I really think his cancer came back somewhere else and it was fast growing, but I will never know what happened to “MY BABY”.
Friday, what can I say, it was the WORSE DAY of my life, I LOST “ MY BABBOO”. I woke up and fixed his medicine like I always do, but that day when I took it to him , he would not eat it. He looked at me and was saying “ Not today Mommy, I had enough”. Those Eyes, those eyes, could make do anything . I went to get him some chicken and juice, when he would not eat his medicine at first I always went to get him food, he was hungry. He was laying on the floor, he got up and smelled his chicken and laid back down. I knew, I knew then he was going to leave me that day. I just started crying and picked him up and held my baby and kissed him and told him how much I love him.
What came next I will NEVER forget, all during the time he was sick, I kept asking God and begging God, PLEASE don’t let me have to make that choice that decision. I had two choices I knew that, both were just wrong, so very wrong. How can I take him to that PLACE & PEOPLE he hated so much. I know he would not want to die there, I know he wanted to die around people who LOVED HIM. So I guess I did have to make the choice. But, I paid dearly for that choice, I had to watch My Baby Die. He was so very Brave and Strong all his life, WHY? WHY? Did he have to get that , he didn’t deserve that at all. He fought so hard and now he is leaving me. He still fought to stay with me, He did not want to go, Adam didn’t want to leave his Mommy . At the end Me and his Maw Maw was begging God to come to take Adam back home with him. I could not take this and I know he could not take this anymore, I kept telling Adam , it was OK, please leave Baby, just leave, rest now. Then I heard him cry out , that sound, that sound, it ripped my heart out, I will never forget that sound, then he took 3 gasps of air and then he was gone.
I just screamed NO NO NO NO over and over louder and louder. My Sweet Baby Boy was gone. I know I let him down in the end, and just cried and cried and begged him to forgive me and just held him and kissed him. I took him to the back bedroom, where he liked to stay, time just stopped. I just sat there and held my baby and it was 10 at night, My Mom went to bed. I was going to snuggle with my son one last time, sleep with my baby one last time. But, I could not sleep, so I sat up in bed and just held Adam all night, crying and kissing those babboo lips which I now long to kiss. I begged his forgiveness for letting him down in the end. I scratched his ears and petted him, I looked at him, his nose was so white. You know he had a mood nose, when he was unhappy that nose was so white. But when he was happy he had a Pink Nose. That night is was so white.
Where ever I am, it seemed all my kids are there, no matter what room I went, they all ended up there, at night they all slept in my room near me, that night they all wanted to be with me, they did not understand why I was back there and not in my room. One by one they came that night.
Pumpkin came in and got on the bed, she saw me holding Adam, she smelled him for just a bit and her eyes got so big, it scared her, she ran out into the hall. She wanted to stay, but, she was scared, she slept in a bookcase outside the door, she could see us, she wanted to be near. She always slapped Adam, she was scared of him, he was so much bigger than her, when she was little she started slapping him, but , I know they loved one another too.
Puff did the same thing, now Puff really LOVES me, they all do, but she thinks I am hers. She stays in my lap and if there is another one in my lap I can see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes. Puff always sleeps with me and she was going to sleep with me that night too. But, she got scared her eyes did the same thing when she smelled him. Puff came back a few times and found a bed on the floor, she stayed there for awhile left and came back to stay the rest of the night.
Eve did the same, smelled him and her eyes got big and she left, she came a few times, but she slept in my room in the computer chair where Adam slept. I heard her meow during the night and went to her and tried to get her to eat, she would not. She wanted me to sleep where I always slept.
Pudd was the only one that stayed with me in the room with Adam that night. Adam & Pudd LOVED one another. They were best friends, they stayed on that bed in the daytime together and slept. They groomed each other, they all groomed one another, but they had a special LOVE. Around 3 in the morning, she was sleeping in a bed and got up and looked at us, she came like she always did when we were on the bed together . Pudd came and started smelling Adam, she smelled him for so long and then her eyes got so big, she ran out of the room and then I heard her throwing up, so I went to her, she threw up under the cat tree and then she threw up in my room, she was just so upset she threw up.
Saturday, they all ended up throwing up after they went back to Adam, They were all upset. I thought about cremating Adam, but I didn’t want to burn that Beautiful body, so I went to find him a casket. I found a air tight plastic box and I had some Crushed Purple Velvet so Adam could lay on that. Purple is a Royal color and My Baby was My Little King. I held him when I got home, Pudd wanted me to just hold her, I did but then I told her I was so sorry I had to go hold Adam one last time, so I put her down and went back. I picked up my baby, he never got stiff , he was like a rag doll. I kept asking him was he OK. I was looking at him and my heart just stopped, I looked at him and I knew he was OK, I KNEW where he was. I knew because, I could not believe it, his nose was PINK. Yes, PINK again. I KNEW he was outside and in the sun and walking and listening to the birds. When we went outside, his nose was always pink. But, today it was a pink. I never saw it so PINK. There it is again, Adam was giving me one last gift, to tell me that he was ok, but it stills does not help the pain in my heart. He gave me 3 gifts after he died, the other two were meant only for me, but I wanted to share that one with you. I know he is happy and walking in the sun in the grass.
It was time, I knew, so I kissed and kissed him and petted and told him how much I LOVED him and PLEASE FORGIVE ME for letting you down. I kissed those Babboo lips over and over, I didn’t want to put him in there, but I did. I placed the velvet down and put MY LOVE, MY SWEETHEART, MY BABBOO, MY SON, in that casket, I fixed his paws and tail, I put a Cross around his neck, I bent down one last time and kissed him, then I closed the lid. I put red roses on the top and we all went outside in our front yard. We have a circle with brushes all around you cannot see the road. This is where we walked, this is where he loved to walk and listen to the birds. This was where Little One is buried, we buried Adam next to Little One. I put him in the ground, another nail in my own casket. I read out of the Prayer Book, while My Uncle Buried Him, we all just cried and cried, they left, I stayed. I read some poems to him, I cried and talked and talked about our life and one day we Will be together again. I was trying so hard to remember , but my mind could not think.
I remembered that I use to write a diary everyday, I went to look for them, I was hoping I had some of Adam. I found them and I have the first 2 years of his life, I am so very grateful for that. I was reading on the day I got him or should I say MY GOTCHA DAY, cause he sure did get my HEART and then My Heart left when he died and all I wanted to do was crawl down in that grave with Adam. I read about the first months I had with him, I had forgot some of these things, when I read them, I remembered them. I wished I would have never stopped them. I did start writing again Sunday. I went back to Friday and wrote and wrote about what happened and how I felt, I don’t want to forget anything. I will now write everyday about what Eve & Pudd & Puff & Pumpkin and Me did that day, I will not forget all the fun times now and my family. I know some might think this is crazy but, I don’t want to forget, when I was reading about Adam, I had forgot about things. Now I don’t have to worry about that anymore.
Everyday I take my chair out to sit with Adam, I read him things we did when he was little, then I write what I did with “ My Girls”. I cry and remember , I can’t wrap this around my head that Adam is gone.
I am so sorry for this long post, I just thought you might want to know, what kind of pain I am in, I just can’t handle this, but I have too Eve needs me now more than ever, I got to get her to eat what she needs for her crystals or I will be doing this for her. I really don’t have time to grieve, I have 4 Beautiful girls to take care of , which I feel like I have been ignoring for over a year, Adam needed me.
I feel guilty about not sending Thank You’s and for DOTD, COTD, COTW, MEOWDAYS & GOTCHA DAYS & RAINBOW BRIDGE DAYS,I am sorry that “THE GANG OF FURS” has not sung, they are just to sad to sing right now. You KNOW they LOVE to sing. We feel bad about missing all these days. WE LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH, we want to SHARE YOUR JOY & SORROW with you, but right now , we just can’t. One day Adam will write again and maybe he will write about the GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER, The story of ADAM & CHRISTY. I just HOPE & PRAY that he was not in pain when He left. All I think of is WHAT IF? What could I have done better. Oh, how I wish I could go back and change so many things now, I know how to mix his medicine so he can eat. If only I knew then what I know now, maybe he would not have had such a hard time. Maybe he could have ate more and not have that bad diarrhea for so long and not throw up. I KNOW he would have left me Friday, just like us, his days were numbered too, but, just maybe he would not have been in so much pain and still having fun. And What I will miss seeing and hearing. All the things Adam use to do, I keep thinking about I will NEVER HEAR this , I will NEVER SEE this again.
WE LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH, THANK YOU FOR LOVING US.
Mr. Adam, It was truly an HONOR & PRIVILEGE to be YOU MOMMY.
THANK YOU GOD for sending me The MOST PERFECT LITTLE BOY to LOVE .
ADAM, MY LOVE, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, one day I will have MY BABBOO LIPS to KISS once more and We will NEVER be APART AGAIN.
UNTIL THEN MY LOVE,
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