In even the most special of places bad things happen

Be forewarned - I am writing in my own voice and not in Marley's.

Marley has died. It is a fact of our life and there are daily reminders all around us that she has passed on. Her voice, her personality, her spirit, are silent. I cannot write as Marley.

This is evidently an inappropriate act on Catster. If I choose to participate in some groups at Catster under Marley's name, I'm supposed to force myself to 'talk' for her. I can't. I never will. She is not here - she cannot speak.

And to find that now, after her passing, there is an expectation that I should speak in her voice in order to participate here - that if I want to offer support to others or continue communicating with some I have met over the past year I have to do so as Marley - well, it's cruel and it's wicked.

My family has suffered enough. We won't be violated this way as well.

So to those reading this appalled that it was written by a person and not a cat - you should have stopped at the first line.

And to our friends - I don't wish to be any part of something that would so actively harm those already suffering. Iwill occasionally check on you and if you send us messages we will respond. But I find myself incapable of spending much time on this site.

It's such a betrayal. This was the one place where I thought I was safe to mourn and a place I thought it was possible to find people who understood. And it's not.

Thank you's

For some time now I've been trying to create a thank you letter for each of you who were so supportive during Marley's illness and passing.

And each time I write it, I can't find the words. And as I make the list of everyone to thank - all the stars and rosette's and online gifts and online notes and snailmail gifts and snailmail cards - I just come to a point that I can't write anymore.

Maybe in time I'll be able to contact each of you or add a note here to you - but it's not that time today. Yet I don't want you to think your love and kindess were unwelcome or unwanted.

Without the consideration of our Catster companions, those last 101 days would have been unbearable.

Thank you.

Kate and Mike

Marley sends a God shot

Marley loved to climb and in the last year her favorite place to be was on top of the television in the bedroom. It was quite a trick to get there and when she would jump up to the top of the TV we'd call her Mountaineer Marley and applaud and give her rubs and treats.

This morning just was a sad morning and we were missing Marley and suddenly Mick jumped to the top of the TV and sat there looking around.

Now it could have been Mick the Jumper just finding the highest place in the room and we know there are people who will say that.

We choose to think it was Marley sending a God shot and saying - see - it's okay - Mick's here now. He'll take care of you.

So thank you Marley for the moment - it was really needed.

One month

It's been one month. 4 weeks and 2 days to be exact.

Lord do I miss Marley.

The time was right

We still mourn Marley. Sometimes it just overwhelms me. But last weekend we decided that we should at least look - we should at least try to see if there was anyone who should come home with us.

Today we have added Mick and Jerry to Caster. They are new in our house and in our life. It's a different life now - a life after Marley and a life that is beginning with Mick and Jerry.

Time to begin making new memories.

A little summer gardening

Yesterday I spent some time in the yard - fertilizer sticks in the rose bushes and for the tree's, resoil some of the plants, clear away some debris. It's the first time I've done this in a Marley free zone. Normally she'd be on the stairs or, more likely, under the stairs in the dirt, watching me and watching the birds.

We haven't seen Marley's friend Patch since Marley died. He would come over almost every day before, even if it was just to sun on the steps, and now, he doesn't come over at all.

I can't say the days are getting easier for either Mike or I. But we're getting through them. I don't remember it being like this after ST, Mittens or Cleo passed. Maybe it was because there was another little soul there to help us out.

We continue to have people try and press kitties-in-need on us. So far we've helped find them homes or donated to their care. Everyone is so well meaning.

Coming to Catster was really comforting and we appreciate all the compassion that you've shown. But we need to take a break for a bit.

God speed to you and we'll see you later.

How do you know if or when you should get another kitty?

Marley's loss has been so hard and several well meaning friends have tried to give us kitties. But it's just been a few days since Marley passed and I'm not ready, and actually may not want to have another household kitty.

It's true - I've never lived in a home without a pet and never without a cat. I'm finding it really difficult not to have that connection. But that's not a good reason to find another kitty - or two.

We've donated to the local shelter and helped a friend, Barbara, with the outdoor kitties that she keeps and cares for. So we're not kitty deprived. And we intend to continue to help Barbara - she has 5 outdoor kitties - abandoned pets who were left in the neighborhood after the homes were foreclosed on. She has made places for them in her very large backyard and cares for them all. It can be expensive.

But there's a part of me that just says - no, not now, maybe not again. And I have to listen to that voice.

Then I hear all these stories from friends and co-workers about the cats that need homes and would we care to foster one or two and I know there's a huge population that doesn't have a place to call their own and I feel guilty for being this selfish.

How do you know if or when you should get another kitty?

Thank you

Yesterday was very hard for all of us.

Marley was surrounded by people who knew her and loved her. Dr. Vaughan has been her treating physician - impressed by her spirit and determination. He loves calico's so much and thought she was so pretty.

Eric and Wayne - the tech's who have helped Marley through her chemo - both were there to help her in those last minutes.

Juanita the surgical nurse and Elena at the desk took such care to be sure we were comfortable.

All showed such compassion for Marley and consideration for us.

The whole ride up Marley was quiet. She didn't argue about being back in the car or complain when we stopped. She sat in the carrier and let Mike pet her.

At the clinic, we went into a room with a big loveseat and I held her as she passed.

They brought in a gurney to take her to the back and it made Mike and I laugh. You see, they have a smaller gurney for kitties but it wasn't available so they apologized when they brought in this big gurney that was so tall. Marley loved to be up high - she loved to look down and watch all that was going on. And in this, her last ride, she was up above everything else once again. At the top.

It was an odd weather day in Las Vegas yesterday. 80 degree's in June with cloud cover. As we left the VRC, sunbeams broke through the clouds and I know it's a little silly but we both thought maybe that was our Mitty Kitty welcoming Marley.

We are going to miss Marley for a long long time. She was our precious girl.

Thank you for your concern, gifts and constant support.

The final visit

We will be taking Marley to Dr. Vaughan's this afternoon for her final visit.

Marley had a rough start in life - she was abandoned in a cinder block and returned twice to the pet rescue before she found her way here to us.

Marley has enjoyed watching the world from her windows, cuddling with Mike in the man-chair and until recently, was extremely healthy.

We are blessed to have had all those healthy years, then to have good medical care when she became ill and the funds to take advantage of that care.

We've spent our last night together and later today will make the drive to the clinic. When I called and spoke with the nurse she was so kind - she said Marley has fought this battle so well and has wanted to stay with us for so long. Juanita was very sorry and I know she meant it.

Thank you for your support and consideration.

Update

We've had to begin giving Marley subq fluids twice a day. And tonight I had to make Mike listen. It was hard.

We called Dr. Robinson so Mike could ask some questions but she was out of the office. So we called Dr. Vaughan and he suggested we give Marley fluids twice a day to help her feel better. He tried to guide Mike - Dr. Vaughan understands the situation and the struggles Mike is having. He's a good doctor and I think a good man.

You've all helped us so much these last few months - 've shared with Mike what had been sent to us - the poems were particularly beautiful and helpful.

When we joined Catster it was to support a friend who has since disappeared from view. But we found a community that helped us with information and companionship.

Thank you.

I don't know how much more I'll write in the next week. I may lurk a bit to keep an eye on folks. Right now I think I need to spend every minute I can in the brick and mortar world.

God speed and take care.