A Cat's Job Is Never Done

Feed Me.

August 4th 2005 7:27 pm
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Yes, that's right. Feed me. No, I will not leave you alone. I will not let you sleep. I will not let you read. I will not let you play whatever silly game, computerized or otherwise, it is that you may be playing.

Not until you feed me.

Come to think of it, I'm not even really hungry. I just like having food there, in case I -get- hungry later. You humans don't know how lucky you are to be able to provide your own late-night snacks.

Me? I have to rely on you.

So, in conclusion,

Feed me.

 

Catnip Mice

August 2nd 2005 7:43 pm
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Why do my humans give me catnip mice?

They smell good and all, don't get me wrong. But they don't look anything like mice. Mice aren't purple. Or blue. Or green. You get the picture. If you want to get me a present, buy me a -real- mouse sometime. Nothing says "I love you, kitty!" like my very own warm, furry, live mouse to play with.

Perhaps if I am a "good kitty", they will bring me a mouse. A real one.

Usually, when they bring me little toy mice, I just humor them by playing with the pseudomice for a little bit, and then conveniently "lose" it. Oops! Either that, or I chew the little felt tails off of them. Then they just have to wonder when they'll step in a pile of wet felt. It's almost as much fun as leaving a hairball right in front of the bedroom door at 2am!

Now -that's- entertainment.

^. .^

 

Sleep? At night?

February 12th 2005 5:27 pm
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I'll never understand why humans insist on sleeping at night. But hey, it gets them out of my way, so I'll not attempt to break them of the habit.

Night time is my time! I tear around the house at 2AM, stopping to thoroughly maul a couple of catnip mice along the way. Making noise in the middle of the night is my way of telling the humans that I care about them. After all, I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to wake them up in the middle of the night!

Of course, sometimes I deign to grace them with my presence, and will snooze in the bed with them. At these times, I try to position myself so that I'm laying across an ankle, or a belly, or curled around a head. It keeps them on their toes, you see, when they have to lie there very still, for fear of me getting up and leaving.

These little games are so much fun. :)

 

I Feel So Violated

December 4th 2004 1:26 pm
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Words cannot even begin to describe what I've just been through.

One of my humans decided that I suffered from a condition known only as "stinky", and proceeded to immerse me in water and scrub me down with soap.

For you young kits out there, this is otherwise known as a bath, and is something to be avoided at all costs.

The horror! I screamed and screamed to be let out of the bathtub! I thought I was going to drown! But alas, all to no avail. My cries fell on uncaring ears, and I was not removed from the water until the bath was "over", whatever that means.

Then, the water was slowly drained, as if to remind me that it could be refilled at any time. My long, silky fur was wrung out, and then I was wrapped up in three towels and subjected to half an hour of "settling down time".

As if all of this wasn't enough, then the female human used a torture device to blow a column of warm air at me. It had a secondary effect of drying off my fur, but I'm sure its primary purpose was to scare the bejeezus out of me.

To top it all off, she took pictures. PICTURES!

Humans are sick little creatures.

Through all of the torture, I stayed my wrath, knowing that it couldn't go on forever. I did not rend her flesh, nor inflict bites. I did, however, injure her eardrums with my incessant screaming. Ha.

Now, I will hide, and lick my fur back into place, as it is now very very fluffy.

And while I hide and lick, I will plot. Oh yes, my friends. I will plot.

 

A Visitor In My Kingdom

November 27th 2004 10:45 pm
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Tonight another human came over.

He and one of my humans (the male one) did some sort of silly thing. They stood in the basement moving little men about on a big table covered with trees. I will never understand humans. They're such silly creatures. They aren't even amused by catnip mice and small tufts of feathers. Well, there's no accounting for taste.

I stood in the basement and demanded adulation from my fawning servants for awhile, which seemed to work. But then, after the female human picked me up, I discovered, to my chagrin, that it was merely to take me upstairs and get me out of the way! The nerve! I will punish them later by walking on them while they're trying to sleep. Who sleeps at night, anyway? Sheesh.

The humans had pizza for dinner, and then shared some strange beverage they called "white wine," neither of which they offered me. Hrmph. The wine smelled funny, so I didn't really want any anyway. Yuck!

I still think he came over to see me. Ha! After all, not only am I the master of this household, but I'm super cute, too.

 

Today I Will Be Annoying

November 25th 2004 8:12 am
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Today I will be annoying. I will get under people's feet. I will meow incessantly, with no clear reason why: I have food, I don't want to go outside (eww, outside *shudder), I don't want to be picked up.

I just want to be annoying. Call it a social experiment, if you will. It's a test to see how long it takes for one of my humans yell at me in their barbarian language.

OOooOOoo, one of them just threw a pen.

At least it's more useful than a sock.

Tomorrow, I will punish their impunity. Today, I am feeling forgiving as it is one of their holidays; if I'm a "good kitty" (snicker) they will bring me delicious morsels to eat. Hmm. You know, being annoying is perhaps anathema to being a "good kitty". I think I'll go lie down and nap. Then, after they feed me, I will be annoying.

 

Alarm Clock

November 22nd 2004 3:48 am
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Meow!

Meow!

Furry alarm clock to the rescue!

I have to make sure my humans get out of bed so they can go to their jobs!

See, making sure they get out of bed on time is MY job. I know they have a silly machine to get them up, but I'm so much more cute and fuzzy.

I'm not certain why me waking them up at 6:00 am causes them to throw socks at me, but I'm sure I'll figure it out soon. Perhaps it's some sort of human ritual to let me know how much they love me. But really, socks?

Couldn't you at least throw food?

 
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