Hedwig 2000 - 2006

My baby girl Hedwig died this September. Very suddenly. I haven't brought myself around to update her catster until today when I got an email that someone had left her a Rosette. I am going to repost a blog I wrote at the time with updates. Thanks. Hedwig's Mom.

My cat Hedwig is generally kind of a sensitive animal. She takes a while to get to know new people and is pretty much a princess in regards to people she does know. I wasn't really that surprised when she started behaving differently when Jeremy and I broke up. She acted out a bit when Nick and I broke up also. She hates when things move around and things have definitely moved around a lot and there has been a lot of emotional upheaval in the house also. I figured she would bounce back after Jeremy moved out and things settled down.

This weekend, however, I was home a lot and thus was in a position to realize that Hedwig never ever left the middle of the couch. She sits around looking very sad.

She doesn't eat anything and doesn't groom herself. I realized that Jake had probably been eating her food as well as his when she stopped and so who knows how long I had just been filling two bowls thinking she was getting her share. I tried to get her to eat some treats and things on Monday and she at a little if I fed them to her directly from my fingers, but in a very apathetic way. I can feel her spine all the way down her back when I pet her. So today I decided to take her to the vet.

I couldn't get a hold of anyone with a car and Hedwig hates the bus. I debated for a while, checking out the maps, and decided that since one of the carriers has backpack straps, I would throw her on my back and rollerblade to the vet. I could take back roads it would be a lot smoother, I could take bike paths and go through the park and I could stop and check on her whenever I wanted and not have to worry about how long I was going to wait for the bus with her in the sun. It would probably save me about twenty minutes also and the less lengthy a trip to the vet, the better. I brought my bus pass with me in case I decided along the way that this was the stupidest idea I had ever had.

It actually went fairly smoothly. She didn't fight at all getting into the carrier, in fact she was practically limp. She started crying when I got into the park and I stopped on the other side and she had caught her claw on the inside of the carrier. I fixed that and we were on our way. Changed into flip flops outside the vet and brought her in.

He asked what was going on, I told him. He was like, "Is she vomiting? Loose bowls?" I said, "She's not doing ANYthing. She just sits there on the couch with her eyes open. She's not even sleeping." He poked around at her, took her temperature, all the normal stuff and said that he couldn't find anything wrong with her except that she seemed a little too pale and he didn't know why. He suggested either leaving her overnight or leaving a blood sample. I opted for the blood sample because I didn't know when I would be able to get her back if I left her.

Ever seen a kitty tourniquet before? They're pretty weird. Hedwig did not like her arm constricted. At least I know she's not into intravenous drugs. He asked me to tilt her head a certain way as I was holding her and put the needle in.

And that's when my sweet little Hedwig bit the ever lovin' bloody fuck out of my hand.

She didn't just bite once either, she was chomping. I was all "Ow. Ow. OW!" until the vet did something and got her head detached. He seemed very unconcerned. And it took a long time for us to fill up the syringe. I guess her blood was a little watery.

So now there's blood everywhere. Blood on my wife-beater, blood all over my hand, blood on Hedwig's white flank and most probably blood in her mouth as well. The vet kind of glanced at me and said, "Did she get ya? Here, you can clean it up." and handed me the tiniest cotton ball with some of what I assume was disinfectant on it. I dabbed at my hand but it was really just bleeding too much and I couldn't stop it with the cotton ball so I gave it up. I wondered why he didn't offer me a band-aid, but I thought maybe it's just all about the animals here.

So I go up to pay, he gives me some antibiotics just to be safe and some vitamins that may help her appetite and tells me to call in the morning to find out about the blood. The woman in line after me asks if I was bitten because there's blood everywhere and now I'm getting it on the desk too. The vet goes, "Oh, I thought it was just a little nip. Didn't realize she got you that bad. Ever bit ya before? No? Oh, well, some people get bothered by it. So if it swells up like a balloon, get help." Yes. Thank you. "That'll be $192 with the blood work." Blood all over my checking account. "We'll go ahead and check her for leukemia too."

I get home and clean my hand off with some more disinfectant and there are no regular band-aids here. I have class tonight, so I can't just leave it open. I found one gauze pad and some athletic tape. So I now look like a burn victim, I have a severely depressed cat, a depleted checking account and a stained shirt.

That's the end. I just wanted to tell that story.

Update:
Jeremy came over tonight to pay me back some money, pick up some of his things and to watch his recording of the Contender (he paid the cable bill up until the end of the run so that he can still see it). I told him about Hedwig so he bought some canned cat food on the way in.

As soon as he came in, he opened the cat food, put it on a plate and took it in to her. I'll be damned if the little fucker didn't start eating right away. She didn't eat all of it, but she ate a good bit. Then he poured some bottled water into a little container for her and she drank the hell out of that too. He asked me where on the couch she had been sleeping and I said, right in the middle. He said 'not up here?' because apparently she slept on the couch cushions or between his feet the entire time he slept on the couch while we were broken up.

I pulled her up between us to watch the Contender and she sat there. Then Jeremy left and I walked him out. When I came back Hedwig was sitting by the door. She sat by the door until Jake chased her away. I had no idea she was that attached to Jeremy.

I get the blood results in the morning.

Update:
Hedwig apparently has a non-regenerative anemia. Her blood cell count is 1.8 and should be 6. She's basically not making new blood cells and they don't know why. There's nothing I can do short of putting her on Vitamin B, Iron and blood transfusions. The only other option is to take her to an Internal Medicine Specialist where they will take a bone marrow sample and try to figure out what's causing it. There isn't one in Chicago, the only on is in Buffalo Grove.

I'm so upset. I can't stand the thought of my little girl just fading away.

I sent the blood work to my sister at lunch. She's going to send it to the vet she used to work for and get his opinion.

I don't want to put Hedwig through a whole lot of trauma and needles (which she obviously dislikes intensely) if the end result is going to be the same.

Hopefully they'll also be able to tell me how much time she has left.

I just talked to my sister. If I don't do something in the next few days, she has about a week. It could be lymphoma or some kind of non-regenerative anemia. If it's lymphoma, I can start her on chemo, if it's the anemia, I can start her on massive doses of steroids and blood transfusions. Neither of those options is guaranteed survival.

I'm really sad about this. I think I'm going to have to let her go.

Just to find out what she has I would have to take her out to Buffalo Grove and they would have to take a bone marrow sample. I would have to somehow coordinate with someone who has a car. Once this is done, I either put her through chemotherapy or lots of blood transfusions and steriod injections.

If there was a guarantee that after going through all of this she would be a happy, healthy cat with years left to live, I would consider it. But apparently most of these are pretty much short term fixes.

I can't believe she's only six years old. I thought I would have her into my forties.

I can't believe I'm going to have to do this. I just don't want to come in and have to find her dead of starvation or dehydration.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts.

John came and drove us to the vet this morning. Jeremy came with me and took care of all of the talking to people stuff since I was basically incapable of it.

When I woke up this morning she had somehow dragged herself into the pantry where their food and litterbox is. She hadn't come in for meal times in at least a week, but when I came in to feed Jake she looked up and purred, so I fed her and put her up next to her bowl. It was the first time I heard her purr in a really long time. I think she just wanted one last meal time.

After that I brought her into the bedroom with Jeremy and I and called my mom and sister. I asked my sister what she would do if it were here cat and she said she thought it was time. I pretty much knew, but I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing.

After making the phone calls to John and the vet, Jeremy and I just laid on the bed with her. Jake came up and sat with us too. I remembered when Jeremy and I were dating how in the winter sometimes Jake and Hedwig would both sleep with us and I would think how everything I really cared about was all on this soft little island with me.

When John came I just carried Hedwig out without a carrier. She was so light and weak I didn't think it necessary. The vet took one look at us when we walked in and told us to go straight into the room. We had the nice doctor this time so I was glad. He gave her a sedative first because she was so dehydrated it seemed like they might have a hard time with her viens. He said that from looking at her blood work, he would guess a bone marrow tumor because all of the blood cells that were there were normal. It looked like there were just suddenly less of them. He said that's why it happened so fast.

I petted her and watched her eyes while they gave her the injection and I could tell the moment she was gone. I just lost it. The vet was really nice and gave us a moment alone afterwards. It felt so weird leaving her there. I feel like I've been crying for two days. My head hurts so bad. People have been calling but I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't really know what to say. For most of the day I've been trying not to think about her because when I do I cry and my head is severly killing me right now. At the same time I can't really think about anything else.

Anyway, at least she's not suffering anymore. I'll miss her a lot.