February 28th 2005 11:37 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]
Lately, The White Tiger has been amusing herself by further confusing her captor. I have been stealing into her closet late at night, or while she is at work, seizing her sneakers in my powerful jaws, and scattering them about the house. My captor cannot understand, with her tiny brain, how I can move her enormous size 10 shoes from one side of the closet to the other, let alone out of the bedroom and into the hallway. And she spends a lot of time wondering whether there is some significance to the shoes The White Tiger chooses to move.
You see, The White Tiger only removes her captor's white tennis shoes from the closet. At first, she thought that somehow The White Tiger was attracted to the scent of these rancid shoes. This thought proves that her stupidity has reached new heights (or lows, as the case may be). Then she became confused when The White Tiger removed a brand new pair of Pumas that she had not yet worn. To further tax her insignificant brain, The White Tiger then removed yet another pair of her white sneakers, this time a pair of slip on Keds.
On the upside, my captor has become thorougly impressed by the industriousness of The White Tiger. You see, she only leaves the sliding door of the closet open a bit on one side, and she keeps her sneakers at the opposite end. So not only does The White Tiger have to squeeze her enormous, 600 pound frame into the closet and walk to the other end, across a never ending pile of other shoes, she then has to sieze the shoe, carry it to the opposite end, out the small opening, and then on to the final destination, wherever that may be. Now my captor is wondering what The White Tiger will do next, now that all of the white shoes have been removed from the closet! I must think carefully about my next move, so as to keep my captor wondering what havoc I shall wreak in the coming days.
For now, I remain...The White Tiger.
January 21st 2005 9:28 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]
Yes, The White Tiger is aware that it has been some time since she has written, and she knows that she has disappointed her loyal fans. However, The White Tiger believes that once her fans read this communique, all will be forgiven, for The White Tiger has been creating havoc! Behold: my captor had to move to another city because her former neighbors became terribly frightened of The White Tiger and her furious anger! Perhaps the startling sight of an enormous White Tiger on the couch by the window was too fearsome for some humans to bear. In fact, my captor even had to get a new job since we had to move so far away...witness the awesome power of The White Tiger!
The White Tiger is most pleased with her new surroundings. The place where my captor has taken my sisters and me has plush carpeting throughout, unlike our old place, which had only cold, hard, uncomfortable wood floors. The White Tiger especially enjoys lounging in the doorways and clawing at the carpet, which resembles that which covers The White Tiger's scratching post. My captor does not seem to approve; however, she is coming to the realization that The White Tiger cannot be controlled! At any rate, The White Tiger's slumber is far more satisfactory at the new place, as there is plenty of soft carpet to relax on.
Just when The White Tiger had settled in to her new surroundings, which, by the way, include a second floor balcony that The White Tiger may or may not leap from in the coming days (yes, The White Tiger shall one day be free to roam as she pleases in the out of doors!), my captor foolishly took The White Tiger to a new veterinarian, obviously not realizing the consequences. When the vet removed the ferocious White Tiger from her crate, she must not have realized the furor that would ensue, for The White Tiger DESPISES NEEDLES! Unbelievably, the White Tiger was stabbed not once, but twice by this foolish human, who then was simultaneously humbled and awed by the 150+ decibel roar of The White Tiger! Once I was returned to my captor, I made sure she felt the wrath of The White Tiger by not only hissing like an enormous anaconda, but also by growling like an insane, rabid Pit Bull! The full fury of The White Tiger was felt by all when a technician callously suggested that she "comb the mats out of the kitty's coat." What? Does she need her eyes checked? Is it possible that her brain somehow did not register the massive bulk of The White Tiger? Needless to say, The White Tiger made quick work of this ridiculous human, and was returned posthaste to her captor with mats intact.
And now, the most feared big cat in the entire Los Angeles basin, with great pride in her recent exploits, shall sign off and prepare for her evening slumber. Until next time, I remain...The White Tiger.
October 25th 2004 2:46 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]
*Sigh* It is difficult to be The White Tiger. Now that it has been raining in Los Angeles, my captor will definitely not let me out of doors, for she does not wish for me to sully my white coat. However, I have proven to her that The White Tiger enjoys water--how many times have I perched on the rim of the bathtub and splashed in the water as she bathes? Or sat by the sink and batted at the water coming forth from the faucet? Alas, it is not to be.
I fear my captor's reluctance to let me out of doors stems from my "sister," Cattiva. I say "sister" because we are definitely not related. Just look at her cheap, tri-colored coat and compare it to my lustrous, silken white coat! Cattiva, which supposedly means "naughty girl" in Italian, is certainly nothing of the sort. She sits around like Miss Priss, coming when she is called, grooming herself, staying in the yard and "behaving herself" when our captor lets us out. Can The White Tiger help that she is deaf and cannot hear when she is called (or scolded?) I would not heed my captor's call anyway.
Well. Now the White Tiger shall reveal all of the naughty things she does to annoy her captor in retaliation for not being allowed to roam in the out of doors. While my captor is at work, I disregard the rules about not jumping on the mantel. She thinks that since she moved the bookcase, The White Tiger cannot reach the mantel! Ha! The White Tiger does not let a setback of this nature get in her way! As soon as she leaves, I make my way to the TV stand, climb upon the television, and jump to the corner of the mantel, first making sure to knock down her stupid pine cones so she can be sure to notice that I've been up there. (Stupid pine cones. Another of my captor's lame attemps to bring the out of doors in. Bah.) I lounge upon the mantel for awhile, surveying my domain, until I get bored.
Next, The White Tiger makes her way to the dining room table, the other place in this prison where I am not allowed to lounge. I hop up on the table, making sure to rumple the tablecloth and leave my white fur everywhere, so my captor can be sure to note my presence.
Then, I travel to the litterbox, where I leave a lovely present and refuse to cover it, thereby assaulting my captor's olfactory senses as soon as she returns from work. Hahahahahaha! As a final insult, I refuse to allow my captor to hold me or pet me for long--she tries, but The White Tiger is to be enjoyed and admired from a distance! The White Tiger shall NOT be contained...