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A Cat's Conspiracy Theories

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spring tag

April 5th 2013 7:48 am
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one of my oldest catsterland friends, athena, tagged me to play the spring tag game, so here it is:

5 things i like about spring are:

1 - the days (time with dayLIGHT) are getting longer and longer.
2 - in the mornings i get my personal birdie concerts presented.
3 - mr. and mrs. squirrel are hushing around and often come for a little visit.
4 - human is preparing my window sill garden - oh, the scents!!!
5 - shedding season! best training for lazy humans...

now, i'm supposed to tag 5 friends, in case they might want to play.

since i am not sure who'd like to play i'll let my friends know via p-mail.


who am i?

August 28th 2012 12:15 am
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i use to answer "3" when someone asks this. refers to "who am i - and how many?" but queen missy asked me to play this tag game.

and here we go.

1) Tell me your funny Christmas story.
to be honest i do not have a 'funny' x-mas story to tell. at my first x-mas in this house i wasn't very well adjusted to human habits but curious like a kitten should be. when i tried to sniff at a (burning) candle human gave me a long sermon about being aware of dangers.
that was not funny…

2) Where's your favorite hiding place when playing hide and go seek?
when i play ambush i hide under human's reading chair.
when i want to keep human busy looking for me i use to crawl into my blankets… this.
no idea why she always finds me…

3) What did you dream of being as a young kit?
i always wanted to be a happy cat with home and servant. home and servant i found :)

4) What's your favorite hobby? Anything goes.
training human intelligence by changing hobbies as often as i can.

5) What’s your one "bad habit" that you love and your Mom hates?
i wouldn't call it a bad habit – but human and i definitely have different views on interior design and wearing black clothes.

6) If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?
to a place miles and ages ago from human noisemakers of all kinds. for my convenience i'd allow the person to join me.

7) What is your guilty pleasure? Food, skirts and suits or cars? What?
kitty junk food.

8) What is your favorite make believe monster? And yes girls, unicorns and fairies are included. Post a pic of this mysterious beast.
my personal nightmare is a singing boy cat – i wish i had a photo of the idiot who uses to disturb my sleep with his atonal arias! i'd set a reward on him. by then i keep asking human for a voodoo doll of him…

9) What is the one dreaded thing you have to do at home? Babysitting, taking baths, entertaining guests....what is your dread?
none. my only duty is being me.

10) I’m not so sure if Zach and Zoe are going to have coed ships this year or not, but in any case, which ship would you want to be on: Zach’s, or Zoe’s? Gris, will also be having a small ship (more like a dingy) that our kits could be on.
which of them is the house boat? if i should only consider being on WATER it has to be comfortable and offer me sofa, beds and bookshelves (to climb on).

i tag...
you – in case you haven't played yet?!


the monster machine

August 16th 2012 1:14 am
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to start with the key of the story: we've got a new family member and i HATE IT.

last monday the mailman brought a box for me. a box. just for me! i could hardly wait that human finally had removed what was inside the box and for her. pah! uninteresting. so extremely uninteresting that even human only had a short look at it and then put it aside. good for me. she placed the box at a nice place with a good view and i was happy.

then wednesday came. human had a few minutes and remembered the uninteresting thing. she plugged in a few wires, put the food switch on the floor and took a deep breath. i watched her and wondered if she was about to solve the hunger problems worldwide. guys seemed she nervous! "ishtar, it's more than 25 years ago since i did this", she said and took another deep breath. then - - - she started reading. took a spool of thread. i jumped up – a toy!!! she'd play with me!!! no. spool of thread was laid back while she read again. then new grip to the spool – my ears went up. but what was that??? she put the spool on the uninteresting thing. drew the thread through numerous holes and notches and more holes.

when she was finished human sat back, looked at me with a facial expression that made me wonder why solving the world hunger was such a big affair. after all she had only put a spool on a thing and had drawn thread from it. but then it happened. She stepped on the food switch…

*WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhAAAAAAAhAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWAAAAAAA AAAAA* did the monster machine go!!! i saw the spool twirling and a sign of relief flashed over human's face. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhAAAAAAAAAAAA.

i came closer. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. spool twirled and i saw that apparently electricity was involved. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. i changed plans and approached to the socket.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. i slapped the socket. and it was silent at once. :)))) only human's laughter disturbed a little :(((((

recently in one of my favorite groups beautiful athena asked "Who is the guardian and who is guarded?" (in our homes) as week's question. without a doubt i have tried my best to expel the monster machine. but sometimes the cat in charge is helpless in her attempts to protect home when the foe is overpowering – and stands united with the biped.


thank you, italy!

June 28th 2012 10:27 pm
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*singing* yaaaaaaayaaaaaaaayippiiieeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhh...

like some of you know we live in a neighbourhood that perhaps would not win prizes for social behavior. among other funny hobbies they start fireworks for goals (not won games!) of the german soccer team in international contests.

there is an international contest, the european championship, at the moment. i had to stand TOO MANY fireworks the past weeks.

*sings* yaaaaaaayaaaaaaaayippiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhh...

it's over for those overpaid millionaires in shorts as well as for the fireworks jerks around us since yesterday.

*sings* yipppiiiiiieeeeeeeeyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. .

the italian team did what neither the dutch, nor the danish, nor the portuguese and neither the greek managed - - - they sent the ugly illiterates home. and i will have my peace and silence back!!!

*sings* yaaaaaaayaaaaaaaayippiiieeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa...


welcome silence!


good food, a beautiful language, pretty landscapes, a tradition of perfect design - - - i like italy. but the most i like them for what they did last night :))


liebe mama…

May 10th 2012 11:47 pm
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may 13 will be mothers' day this year – no news. human and i recently talked a lot about my mommy. i think it's a good moment to eventually thank my mom for everything she did for me. the more since human promised to stay away from pooter and desk and all that stuff for the whole weekend ahead. happy mother's day - whoever you spend it with!

liebe mama,

it's nearly 8 years that we last saw each other. 8! can you believe that! and because with a 90° turn 8 is the sign for eternity (infinity) i want to tell you that your little girl hasn't forgotten you. i won't ever. i thank you so much. even the mean person is aware what a great success you had in educating me. believe it or not, but whenever i forget – she reminds me and i know she wishes she could have met you…

…have chosen the perfect daddy for me! everybody likes the red anger wrinkles on my forehead (although some call it an incomplete tabby-M) and human adores the thousands of reds i likely have to thank daddy's gene pool.
…gave me belly massages when i was still a blind kitten with round ears. i remember those massages whenever i allow human to rub my belly and purr my lungs out.
...understood my smooth kitten "m-ouw"s. kittens and mommies develop their own language. that happens a billion times - but still is so unique. i hope you don't mind that today i share our language with human. sometimes. when she was exceptionally sweet to me.
…taught me that i should keep distance to humans unless they've proven that i can trust them. so far only my personal staff is worth my affection – and she appreciates that i am a wise and observing cat.
…told me that we cats are supposed to rule. i have learnt that lesson, be sure! i do not only have my own person firmly under control, nobody may enter my home without my permission. i watch d-o-g-things and other creatures outside to make sure they won't revolt. and i even chased away unwelcome jerks last year.
…taught me the real values in life. "ignore the dumb before you waste too much time", was one of your rules. oh, and how i ignore most bipeds! "be nice when you meet someone nice", was another of your rules. i do my best to find out who is nice and who's not worth my or human's respect. i help human to sort out the unworthy ones.

mama, i do my best to be a cat you'd like to have around if we were still living together. out there in the suburbs of the big city where i was born and where we spent the first summer of my life together. i have adopted a human who does her best to respect me. i had the choice, back in shelter. "plush and luxury" or "humor and imagination" – and i have decided against being lazy and slowly. i challenge the human's creativity to invent new kittytainment all the time. sometimes i applaud for her ideas, sometimes i tell her to intensify her efforts. see, mama? now it's me who educates a simple mind – and i am even loyal although she's ugly and furless. the generosity of a real royal, right?!

i love you, mama, and i hope you'd be proud of me if you could read this and watch my life.

your kitten of love



April 11th 2012 5:49 am
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...recently i sawed off the berlin city forest.

at first human was happy when i woke her for that means i slept in our bedroom. i only sleep there at night when my kitty world is fully perfect. and since we have gardeners for some time who behave like workers (stink, make noise, work early morning and late afternoon, have i mentioned the NOISES?) my kitty world was by far not perfect.

then it was and i returned.

now it's not perfect anymore.

after sawing not only the trees but also the stumps the following nights - she said that if my snoring gets only a µ louder she'll put me on d-i-e-t...



I have a dream…

March 14th 2012 7:52 am
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this morning when i came to see what's new in catsterland i found a rosette with a beautiful memento and was very astounded. i hadn't participated in any contest. where did the anonymous rosette come from? friends, was i exited! then i sat down, tried to calm and read carefully. "dreamgirl" it said and then i remembered that already some of my friends have been announced as dreamgirls, dreamettes or angel dreamgirls. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, i am in very good company! thank you for helping me to spread the facts!!! i feel really flattered but nevertheless – and please don't think that i was unthankful or vain – i was not surprised…

i guess i have to explain? the mean person hasn't missed a single day since we live together to tell me that i am her dreamgirl – although she doesn't get tired to tell me now that i was the opposite of her dream when we first met.
or her "little angel" – although she always reminds me that i am of the cheeky kind.
or her "sweet kitty" – which she tells me in order to remind me to be glad i needn't live in plush and with a person who saw only my looks instead of my purrsonality.
or her "genius roommate" – at least "for a cat" as she says.
or her "piece of purring gold" - and then she starts wiping off my underfur in shedding seasons.
or her personal "best of all cats" – this one she tells me without additions...
and of course you know that i am absolutely "world's coolest ishtar" – at least for the mean person. and with a bit of luck for some of my friends, too.
this inflation of compliments i use to get daily made it impossible to be surprised – but i am very, very happy that the cats who voted for me now with their choice help to spread the word! my human is right (this time!!!) and she lives with a dream(girl). like my friends' humans do ;)

now i have a dream! [i have asked my personal expert in judging human habits and behavior and she said that the certain great american who had another dream sure won't be angry when "a smart creature" (human's words, not mine!!!) borrows his words.] "now is the time to rise form the dark and desolate valley of segregations to the sunlit path of […] justice.", is what a certain great american several years ago said. i want everyone with or without fur to get the honor she or he deserves. you're all the main character in someone's dreams - at least you should be. i dream that all of you have already found that someone or that you'll soon find him/her. and if so – snuggle up to the one and never let him/her go, because like another great american sang, not said:

everybody needs somebody
everybody needs somebody
everybody wants somebody to love
honey to hug
sugar to kiss
baby to miss now
baby to tease
sometimes to please
and i need you you you
and i need you you you
in the morning baby you you you
when the sun goes down you you you
ain't no nobody around you you you

thanks again for thinking of me as a dreamgirl…


love? love!

February 13th 2012 11:38 pm
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yesterday i read in another in-and-out-list (one for humans!) that it was "IN" to think that animals can think.


interesting – really, one day i should write an anthropological study about the question "do humans think?". i have my doubts that creatures who only think with (and judge on) wallets actually understand complicated concepts like love or empathy?!

speaking of love – here is what i found out about that interesting concept so far:

love is…

…when your humans accept that nothing in your home is theirs.
…when you never get enough cuddles and pets and the human you ask for obeys.
…noticing what someone says and does instead of only seeing how he/she looks or dresses.
…worrying when someone apparently does not feel well and you try to comfort that one.
…when your humans expect nothing and thank for tiniest gestures (like a welcome-'mouw').
…a super soft blanket next to the heater in winter.
…preferring to spend time with a limited circle of creatures (aka friends).
…a great month of secret pal game.
…making honest compliments ;)
…not being able to thank for a certain christmas gift but not giving up the idea to send harvey as easter bunny!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY and enjoy a day full of love, treats and cuddles!


i can patterns!

January 30th 2012 1:28 am
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last sunday, breakfast time.

i sit on my kitchen chair waiting for human to serve kitty grass salad.

human is sitting on her kitchen chair and buttering bread.

phone rings.

human runs.

a little later human returns and finds out that her buttered bread has a new pattern.

what shall i do – i love butter!!! *smiles innocently*


in's and out's 2012

January 3rd 2012 10:11 pm
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IN in 2012

friends – everyone should have as wonderful friends as i have!

food – that can never be out

weekends – relaxed humans who stay at home and play with us are priceless!

banksy – cats also love subversive arts. yes, cats. not only rats!!!

health – especially for those who saw too many v-people (and got silly fur cuts) in 2011 that's extremely "in"!

summer – stretching out in the sunshine!!! do i need to m-ouw more?

santa kitty – when did you say will she come again??? (btw.: if i'll catch you, i'll send easter bunny!!! in harvey costume!!!)

black – in clothes and furniture the best contrast for shedding season

isaac newton – you should try my oldest entertainment; that old guy really was right: things drop down, never up!

8 – if you move that number 90° it becomes the sign for infinity. magical, eh?

curiosity – the world has so many secrets that only wait to be detected!

animal studies – sort of gender studies in order to strengthen our rights, that's cool!

OUT in 2012

noisy behaviour – out for everyone who's not living on a tree!

soccer – millionaires in shorts who are unable to afford OWN balls??? sorry???

patterns – on clothes and furniture a fun killer in shedding season

anthropocentrists – (sorry, human told me to use the word) how could people who doubt that we have feelings and are valuable social partners be anything else but "outestestest"?

hoarders – respectless humans of all kinds are *hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss*

winter – i accept the current version, but who needs ice and snow in a neighbourhood with creatures that use sidewalks instead of boxes? yellow snow, yuck!!!

kettles with whistle – have you ever noticed that they sound like firework rockets O.O ?

greed – that typical human habit is an ancient heritage they should fight!

false friends – in languages as well as in real life...

carpet edges – have you ever stumbled over it and tried to keep your dignity while your person was laughing tears? then you know what i mean…

leave blowers – noisy, stinky and hot air on the handle as well…

d.o.g.s – what did you expect? i am a cat ;) !


i hope it's not yet too late to wish you a Happy New Year, everyone!
i know that this may be a little naïve – but i need to be naïve sometimes to bear the human world – i really, really hope that 2012 will be the wonder year & that absolutely all of us will have only reasons to be the happiest cats in the happiest families… old year owes many of us something!

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ishtar *proud wobnapt*


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