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Musings of a Princess

12.30.10

My Dearest Girl,

A few minutes ago, I was putting groceries away, completely oblivious as I had been all day to the date. Even though I had written the date a lot today, it hadn't yet occured to me what an anniversary it was. Today is your 2 year Bridge Anniversary.

Anyway, so while I was putting the stuff in the pantry, I heard a loud thump. A bottle of shampoo fell off the top of the refrigerator, several feet away. Was that you climbing up there like you did when you were alive?

Something about the falling hair product reminded me of you, and then the date hit me. Needless to say, I was toast for the next few minutes. I got your ashes, and cried, remembering the events of that night two years ago. And I realized that all of these things happened right about the time of evening that it really was.

My girl, I miss you. I still talk about you regularly, and think of you often. Two years seems like a lifetime that I haven't had you with me. And yet it seems like only yesterday that I scratched your head, or dangled a feather toy in front of you, or snuck up and poked your pink toe while you slept.

So much has changed in these two years. Life has moved on, and in ways that I am not happy with. Luna is aging, and turning white in the face. My little crazy puppy, and your nemesis because of it, was diagnosed a couple of months ago with the beginning stages of congestive heart failure. The cardiologist said she could live for another few years depending on how fast she is progressing, and we've put her on a raw diet and a regiment of fish oil to help prolong things. I am scared to death at the prospect of her joining you at the Bridge, and am not ready to lose her yet. Hopefully she has a lot of life left. Watch over her if you could.

Annie is aging, but still cute and her normal self. Phoebe continues to gain fans by her sweet personality. We went to Florida recently, and the Cat Sitter commented on how wonderful she was. Annie hid the whole time. I never thought I would see a day when Annie was shy, but I guess in her older age she is. She surpassed you in age this year, you know. I can't believe she is six months away from 10.

Oh Eleanor, how I wish you were still here. I know that you are living in bliss at the Bridge, but I wish you were here anyway. I love you, and hope you can feel that. Your name is etched on my heart, and forever will be.

Happy Bridge Anniversary, sweet girl.

5.28.10

My Dearest Eleanor,

I didn't forget about you yesterday. I was up early, running to get coffee, when I passed the local high school and their electronic sign out front, telling me the date and time. I saw it there, May 27, 2010. What would have been your 10th birthday.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadn't been thinking about the date, or feeling anything leading up to it. But when I saw it there, as the sun was coming up over the horizon, I missed you so much. How I wished that you were here to celebrate with.

A week or so ago, I had a dream. In it, you and Phoebe were on my lap, both trying to get up in my face for attention, sort of competing with one another for it. I was so happy to have you both there, and had one hand on each of your heads, telling you both how much I loved you. It was heaven, having my two torti girls on my lap at the same time. Even though you never met her, I loved having the two of you together in my dream.

Phoebe is so stinking cute, and reminds me of you frequently in her physical characteristics. She loves Luna though, which you never did. She is so different from you, but so much the same. I can't explain it. Sometimes I see her coming, and I think it's you.

My girl, life has gone on. A new job a few months ago, a company merger recently, busy times. I can't believe we are approaching another summer so quickly, the time has just flown since you left. I still think of you frequently, and proudly wear my heart necklace with your name inscribed every day. You always will own my heart, no matter how many years pass.

I love you, dear Eleanor. I hope you had a nice birthday at the bridge.

Love,

Mom

12.30.2009

My dearest Eleanor,

As I typed the date this morning, it occurs to me that I never thought this day would come. One year ago today, you earned your wings.

One year ago today, I woke up thinking it was a normal day. I sat in the typical traffic on my way to work, then had an uneventful day. It was slow in the office because most people were off due to the holidays. I came home, and since your Dad was working late, decided to make myself some chicken for dinner. There was nothing out of the ordinary, or so I thought.

I had finished my dinner and settled down to watch the news on the couch, exactly where I am sitting now. That was when it happened, the beginning of the end.

You came out to me, dragging your back leg. You looked at me, and I'll never forget that look. It said "help me". You didn't cry, didn't shake, just gave me that look. It was what made me realize that an emergency vet visit was in order.

When the Vet told me the news, and said that they "recommended humane euthanasia", my heart shattered. How could this be? My precious, special girl, who showed no signs of illness, wasn't overweight, was on a holistic diet. How could she have thrown a blood clot?

The rest of that evening was a blur, between spending some last minutes with you, to you going into a forever sleep, and then me driving home with your empty carrier. I don't know how I made it.

As I have told you in a previous entry, the hardest part for me was the following morning. Dad and I cried most of the night and didn't get much sleep. When it was still dark out, we decided to get up and get some breakfast. Watching the sun come up on the horizon made my heart overflow with pain. I never thought I'd see the sunshine without you in my life. The reminder that life moved on without you didn't seem right.

Well my girl, time kept marching. The first weeks were all out depression. Sometimes, I'd walk through the house calling your name, praying that I was living some sort of nightmare. I thought I saw you all of the time out of the corner of my eye, but when I'd turn, there was nothing there.

I carried your ashes with me all over the house for weeks, into each room I was in. It was the only way I felt close to you physically.

Eventually, my heart began to heal. While missing you never subsided, and never will, I began to smile again and feel joy in the two animals that I still had in my life. Although neither of them compared to you or the bond that we had, I knew that they needed me. They missed you, too.

I also realized that I was ready to open my home and heart to another kitty. I found our little Phoebe in the shelter, and she continues to thrive daily. Thank you so much for showing us to her, Eleanor.

I remember when getting through one day at a time after your passing seemed impossible. Now that a year has gone by, I can barely believe it.

You will forever own my heart, my girl. I hope that your one year bridge anniversary is a good one, and that you still feel how much I love you.

I still miss you so much.

Love,

Mom