January 8th 2009 7:14 pm
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I still can't believe that you are gone- I keep waiting for you to come over and meow for me to pick you up and put you on my lap, or to ask for food. I see movements in my peripheral vision, and for just a second, I think it's you. I hear a cry or a noise that sounds like your throaty old-Siamese meow and I'm ready to jump up to see what you need. It was hard to come home today and not have you there to greet me. I almost started mashing up the food for you this morning, but then I remembered that I now need only three bowls, not four. I know that this will get better with time, but after m0re than 18 years of constant companionship, it will not happen overnight. For now, there is a huge hole in my life and in my heart. You were my "soul cat".
I'm having so much trouble erasing the images of yesterday - it hurt to see you so skinny and so weak, lying on the table. It hurt to see those beautiful, intelligent green eyes looking so dull and tired. I knew it was time to let you go, but I couldn't help but to feel horribly guilty about making that decision. Over and over, I keep seeing you on that table, and I feel like I failed you. It isn't rational and I don't think it is true. I believe that I made the right decision, but the fact that I made (or even had to make) it weighs heavy on my heart.
I didn't take a final picture of you, because I want to remember you as you lived, not how you died. There are so many great memories, from the mundane, to the extraordinary. I will list some here, in the hope that I can banish yesterday from my mind.
I was a college sophomore with my first apartment, it sounded like fun to get a kitten. I'd never had a pet before, and hadn't the slightest idea what I was in for. I'd never understood how much a person could love a little fur-ball -- how much a part of the family a beloved pet becomes -- until you. I never imagined then, that I would have the gift of more than 18 years of companionship and unconditional love, with some moments of great amusement thrown in.
I remember the first time I saw you - you were a wiggly little black fur-ball and you fit in my hand. Those adorable little squeaky noises you made gave you your name. You were "my" kitty from the beginning: you attached yourself to me immediately, just as your sister attached to my room-mate.
You were such a little spazz sometimes. I remember trying to ban you from my bedroom when I got tired of having my feet treated as prey. You would run down the hall and throw your body against the door, trying to get in. Of course, I couldn't stand that and let you back in. My room was always your room. I loved the way you slept in the small of my back, sometimes. Other times you just draped yourself across me or curled up between my knees. In later years, the steps became a little too much, but recently you'd been coming up to sleep, and it was so nice to have you back. You seemed to be doing so well, and you always ate like a little piggy, up until the last 12 hours of your life.
You were such a friendly boy - rarely met a lap you didn't like. We jokingly called you a "slut" because you were so loving toward everyone who came around. You always claimed the center of the room....or the best chair. Just a few days ago you gave us a good laugh when you kept jumping up on dad's chair as soon as he got up for a moment. For an old dude, you sure could move quickly when you wanted to.
What a smart cat you were! When things went sour with a roommate situation long ago, you made sure to poop on the rug in his bathroom every morning until we moved out. I scolded you, but then whispered "good kitty".
You also instigated the great cat escape at my mom's house by managing to tear a hole in the screen door which was just big enough for all of the resident kitties to escape. After calling your name frantically looking for you for quite some time, mom sat down for a few minutes, and you came strolling around the corner like nothing was out of the ordinary.
You had an annoying habit of banging on the cupboard door where we kept your food, when you were hungry. You could be relentless when you wanted to be fed, and had no problems making your desires known.
You had big, soulful green eyes and always looked intelligent, even if you were being a goof. Your fur was like mink, and when you were well, your coat was so shiny it glistened. (I saved a few tufts of your fur, so that I'll always have a part of you.)
You purred like a little machine, when I just talked to you, let alone pet you. You could also yowl like an angry congested baby when you felt like it. I called you my puppy-cat, because you followed me around and came running when I called. You traveled well, and adjusted easily. We lived in 9 different places together, and your presence helped to make each of them a "home". It doesn't feel the same without you.
I was so very lucky to have you as my friend and companion for all of these years.This hurts so much right now, especially given all of the other things which have happened in my life recently. I want to cry every time I think about you. It will take time for me to accept that you're gone, but I promise that you will always live in my heart.
I love you, baby bear.
January 7th 2009 1:36 pm
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I've been very frail and deteriorated very suddenly and quickly. I wasn't able to walk and I let mom know that it was time to let me go. She held me for hours over the night and into the morning. I wasn't in pain, and slept in her arms until we had to go.
Mom is devastated, and so is dad, but they knew that I was ready to go. I had a wonderful 18 years, and was an amazing companion and friend. I will be very, very missed.
January 12th 2008 3:31 pm
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I'm so excited!!! I was a daily diary pick today!!! I am very honored. Lot of kitties have sent congrats and rosettes, so I feel very special! Mom even gave me some "kitty kaviar" today. Yum!
Speaking of mom, she is pleased but puzzled. She went back through and read all of the entries and said that I should change the diary title to "old man whines about his trials, tribulations and medical problems". I was very offended. She really ought to show some respect.....
.......and besides, she's partly responsible for what I've written---she does all of my typing!!! She says she's just a stenographer, but I know differently. I'm just a manifestation of her inner curmudgeon. She's too young to be such a grump, so she projects it onto and old dude like me. (The stuff I put up with, I swear....bipeds are really high-strung sometimes)!
But for today I'm going to ignore her silliness and be happy, even if it kills me!!! :-)