Big FIFTEEN at the Bridge

Today would have been my 15th birthday on earth. Instead I'll be celebrating at the Bridge with my brother Micah and all my friends here. I know that my family will be thinking about me all day. I wish that I could have made it to this day with Momma and Daddy but it just wasn't meant to be but I'm grateful that they have wonderful birthday memories of me to think about today. ~Jake Cat

A Picture Tells 1000 Words...

A picture tells 1000 words... of how much we all miss you Jake, including your little brother Jonah. On the Eve of your brother Micah's death I've been doing a lot of remembering back to this time last year as we approach the holiday season that you loved so much. I'm still missing you so much. It's hard to get up every day and I miss the funny things you were always coming up with to do. I miss having my little man beside me at my desk all day. Your window seat sits empty most of the time now. Everyone used to fight over that seat but I think they just wanted to be there because that is where you were. Most of all I miss seeing your face and the way you always knew exactly what I was feeling...

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.

~~~~Unknown~~~~

09.09.09

I miss you Jake. I can't believe it's been one whole month today that you've been gone. The tears are still quick in my eyes when I think of you. You were a beautiful spirit who taught me so much about what it means to love. Love, Mommy

There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers of overwhelming grief...
and unspeakable love.
--Washington Irving

Since You've Been Gone...

There hasn't been more than a minute that I haven't thought of you Jake. I woke up this morning and missed you in bed with me on my legs. I remember back to not long ago and our morning routine. I'd wake and you'd stand up on the bed and stretch, then jump down and run to the kitchen to be fed. This was for as long as I can remember. More recently you'd be waiting in your window seat, sure to get there early before the young ones got there first. You might not have been the fastest anymore but you were still the smartest.

I checked the litter boxes at least three or four times today. They were clean. I knew your kidneys made you go a lot and I was always cleaning them so they would be nice when you went in. I just didn't realize that you went 10 times a day and Jonah and Fionna go about once a day. I guess I knew but I didn't mind. It was so gradual that I forgot what the litter boxes of healthy cats look like. I was going through over 40 lbs. of litter each month. I just bought a 25 lb. bag that should last me months at this new rate. I used to do a lot of cleaning... of the carpet and hardwood floors. You got sick a lot and towards the end you had diarrhea too. I used to have a lot of laundry from the towels we used while feeding you and washing your face afterwards. I felt tired a lot but didn't realize it was from taking care of you. I'd do it all over again to have you back with me.

We ate dinner alone and we didn't need to stop in the middle to check on you. This morning I didn't need to wake up at 6 AM to syringe feed you. I woke up anyway and it felt horrible. In the evenings we'd feed you again and spend time with you wherever you were. I have that $150 blender I received as a wedding gift and didn't open for 5 years. I opened it just to blend you food in. People might think I'm nuts for doing that. That blender was awesome for mixing your food. I doubt I'll be using it again anytime soon.

I cleaned up some of your things but other things I can't bear to move. Your tent is still setup in the corner of our bedroom, right next to where you flew to the Bridge. We have the notebook we logged all your meals in for the past 7 months. Every day, every meal, how much you ate and if you got your medication. Even if it was just 5 treats or 1/4 can of baby food. At the end we were thrilled to have you eat anything on your own. (CRF mommies and daddies will know what I'm talking about.) I have your IV pole. I could sell it on craigslist but I can't yet. It represents our evening routine that extended your life with us. It's strange just "going to bed" now without giving you fluids. We'd put you in bed, turn on classical music and warm water in the sink for your fluids. Jonah and Fionna would watch. Jonah would sit on the bed next to your and Fionna would watch the water. I expect to see you in all the spots you liked to sit and sleep. When I'm working in my office I expect you to strut in with your confident stride and jump in your window seat. I can't imagine having lived with you for 20 years because I can't imagine loving you any more than I already did. In your last 9 months we tried to live 5 years worth or memories always living in the moment and enjoying each day at a time.

Mostly I just miss you Jake. Life seems to have lost all it's vibrancy and everything looks black & white now. I've received so many wonderful messages following your departure to the Bridge. Daddy and I have read each and every one. We're so happy that your story of bravery touched so many people. One person wrote that "CRF cats are tough" and they're right. I still don't know how you made it to the litter box on your last night. You could barely lift your head let alone walk so I laid you on a bed of towels in our bedroom so if you had to go you'd be able to. Just in case I moved the litter box into the room too. I knew you were a determined cat. You'd drag yourself to that box somehow rather than soil yourself. And you did... in the morning I found you sleeping in the box after having gone.

During your last days daddy and I wondered (and daddy worried) what your passing would be like. I imagined it in my mind and hoped I'd know when the time was right. Thank you for your gift Jake. You spared us having to make the decision that so many CRF parents have to make. You went when you were ready. I should have known you'd go on your own terms. Micah flew down to get you and I told you it was alright to leave, your fight here was over. You endured blood tests, trips to the vet, taking your medication, getting your vitamins, getting poked for sub-Q fluids and at the end being syringe fed. You were so brave and determined as you woke up each morning and kept fighting to stay with us. Despite all the tears, your passing was peaceful. I couldn't have asked for more. As you took your last breath I felt your spirit take flight. After you were gone we sat with your body for a little while. I know you weren't there anymore but I already missed you so much. When I feel empty and lost without you and start to cry, I somehow find the strength to stop. I know that's you Jake wrapping your angel wings around me in comfort and love. ~Mommy

Black and Light

I'm an Angel now. I passed away naturally at 10:45 AM. Mommy had scheduled the mobile vet to come at 7 PM tonight but I went before then on my own terms. My spirit is free. Mommy and daddy were with me. I saw Micah and mommy said to go to him where I would be free of my failing body. There was bright light and I felt happy and warm. When I looked down Mommy's world had turned dark. Part of her died with me today so her world seems black now that my sweet light has left her. ~Jake an Angel now

Still Around? Yes I am...

Hi Everyone, Thank you for all the lovely rosettes and purrayers! It means so much to mommy and daddy when they read them. Today was a good day. It was another day I was able to spend with mommy. I went to the litterbox twice by myself during the night. I felt a little more comfortable today so I was able to get a little rest. Mommy and daddy are still feeding me and they put new medicine in my food that is supposed to help my phosphorus levels. I'm a bit wobbly and get tired fast. Daddy said I need my rest. Today I surprised mommy by walking into her office when she was on the phone with daddy. She lifted me up onto my window seat and took THIS PHOTO of me enjoying myself like old times. You might notice my crazy little brother in the background. He's my shadow, nurse and a monkey on my back. He's always hanging around me even when I feel sick.

Mommy and daddy prayed with me tonight like they do every night. They prayed that if I want to stay with them awhile longer that I may be pain free. I was sleeping under the bed but I came out when I heard mommy crying. I don't want to leave her either so I keep trying to find the strength to fight but sometimes I get so tired. I'm going to keep fighting for as long as I can because I love her so much I can't bear to be without her either. When I can't see her I cry for her and she comes running to me. Somehow she knows when I need to go to the bathroom and she carries me there fast so I don't have to walk. I hope tomorrow is another good day. Thanks for keeping me in your purrayers. Purrs for now, ~Jake

Back to My Old Haunts

My new pet bed warmer arrived today! It's bigger than my old one and fits perfectly into my window seat cushion. I own two heating pads made by H+K Pet Products. Mommy bought our first one for Micah and I a few years ago. At my age I really appreciate how it warms my bones. I've been feeling better and better so I'm spending less time in my teepee and more time in the spots I loved before I got sick. Mommy just has to make sure I stay nice and warm. I look pretty content in THIS PHOTO don't I? I love sitting next to my mommy all day long while she works. – Jake Cat

Back on Top!

Believe it or not everyone, I'm feeling better everyday!! I'm back to being Top Cat in the house! Fionna thought she'd try and move on up when I wasn't feeling so well but now that I'm almost back to my old self she's backed off. I'm back to sleeping in bed with mommy and daddy at night and I'm able jump when I want to. My appetite is getting better too. They still syringe feed me a couple times a day to make sure I'm getting enough calories but I eat some food on my own too. My breathing is completely normal now. My biggest problem now is my indigestion but that has always been a problem for me. Mommy gives me transdermal famotidine (pepcid) and usually I feel okay. I'm getting my sub-Q fluids again but mommy is being careful to make sure I'm absorbing all of it. I'm getting more demanding about what I want and make mommy and daddy chase me around the house to feed me now. Mommy ordered a new heating pad for my window seat. I have one setup in my teepee and I told her I need another one because I get the chills even though it's summertime. I only want to be places that are cozy and warm. That way I can get back to sitting next to her in the office during the day. Thanks everyone for purring for me! It's because of mommy and daddy's love and all the prayers that I'm still here! – Jake Cat

Still Lovin' the Catnip

A week ago today I was hooked up to an IV bag! Boy am I glad I'm home! I'm still getting back into my old routines and one of those routines includes my addiction to catnip. Yeah, this goes back many years and at my age there's no point in trying to give it up. An old dude should be allowed at least one vice. Besides these dang kidneys are more likely to do me in. So mommy gave me a special fortune cookie toy while I was sick. She put it in my tent the day I came home. The fortune says, "You are a lucky cat." Well I sure am cuz I'm still here aren't I?

While Jonah was in my hospital room visiting me he sniffed out my cookie and nabbed it. Greedy punk! No wonder his eyes are crossed. He just can't handle his nip. Just look at him all passed out on his back. Well after he attempted to bite it to bits I took my turn with it and mommy took THIS VIDEO which she edited down. In it you you'll see how he keeps popping in and trying to get his cookie back. He's an alright dude though, not like that shrew of a Bengal cat who is always lurking around trying to hiss at me. She shut-up like she should because I'm back to my strong self and will kick her spotted butt. Enjoy! –Jake Cat

I'm Still Here!!

Every night before bed mommy tells me if I'm tired of fighting and want to go to the Bridge to play with Micah she's okay with that. She gets sad at night and I hear her crying. She hopes that what she's doing is right. Every morning I get up and use the litterbox and drink. Today I even tried to jump into bed with daddy and mommy like I always do. Mommy was worried I might stumble so she lifted me up. Somehow she has a way of knowing what I'm about to do or what I need. It was nice being there with them again. I haven't been in daddy and mommy's bed for 5 days since I've been sleeping in my teepee most of the time. Mommy sleeps in the bed beside me so she's always close.

Today my breathing is finally getting better. My cold is almost gone. I ate a few pieces of kibble this AM but it takes me a long time to eat so mommy and daddy still feed me with a syringe. I'm really hungry now so I gobble it up right away. I like treats again and today I got fed treats two times. Mommy took a video of me snacking on some and you can see it HERE ON MY BLOG. Yesterday mommy gave me a small amount of Sub-Q fluids because Dr. B. said we could try and my body was able to handle it. She was worried about my heart and all but in the morning all the fluid was all absorbed and I feel good. A few times today I snuck out of my tent without mommy knowing. If she comes in the room and I'm not there in my tent she panics. I know it's silly because I'm always just using the litterbox or getting a drink of water. Yesterday daddy stopped by the vet to get me more food. He had to pay the balance of the bill for my stay last week. On the bottom it said that I was sent home to be euthanized... hmmm now wouldn't they be surprised to know that I'm still around? Mommy and daddy still aren't sure for how long but every day I seem stronger and more like myself before I got sick. Maybe my levels are high like they say but for now they aren't getting me down! – Jake Cat