Honey Bear Diary

A Picture Tells 1000 Words...

A picture tells 1000 words... of how much we all miss you Jake, including your little brother Jonah. On the Eve of your brother Micah's death I've been doing a lot of remembering back to this time last year as we approach the holiday season that you loved so much. I'm still missing you so much. It's hard to get up every day and I miss the funny things you were always coming up with to do. I miss having my little man beside me at my desk all day. Your window seat sits empty most of the time now. Everyone used to fight over that seat but I think they just wanted to be there because that is where you were. Most of all I miss seeing your face and the way you always knew exactly what I was feeling...

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.

~~~~Unknown~~~~

09.09.09

I miss you Jake. I can't believe it's been one whole month today that you've been gone. The tears are still quick in my eyes when I think of you. You were a beautiful spirit who taught me so much about what it means to love. Love, Mommy

There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers of overwhelming grief...
and unspeakable love.
--Washington Irving

Since You've Been Gone...

There hasn't been more than a minute that I haven't thought of you Jake. I woke up this morning and missed you in bed with me on my legs. I remember back to not long ago and our morning routine. I'd wake and you'd stand up on the bed and stretch, then jump down and run to the kitchen to be fed. This was for as long as I can remember. More recently you'd be waiting in your window seat, sure to get there early before the young ones got there first. You might not have been the fastest anymore but you were still the smartest.

I checked the litter boxes at least three or four times today. They were clean. I knew your kidneys made you go a lot and I was always cleaning them so they would be nice when you went in. I just didn't realize that you went 10 times a day and Jonah and Fionna go about once a day. I guess I knew but I didn't mind. It was so gradual that I forgot what the litter boxes of healthy cats look like. I was going through over 40 lbs. of litter each month. I just bought a 25 lb. bag that should last me months at this new rate. I used to do a lot of cleaning... of the carpet and hardwood floors. You got sick a lot and towards the end you had diarrhea too. I used to have a lot of laundry from the towels we used while feeding you and washing your face afterwards. I felt tired a lot but didn't realize it was from taking care of you. I'd do it all over again to have you back with me.

We ate dinner alone and we didn't need to stop in the middle to check on you. This morning I didn't need to wake up at 6 AM to syringe feed you. I woke up anyway and it felt horrible. In the evenings we'd feed you again and spend time with you wherever you were. I have that $150 blender I received as a wedding gift and didn't open for 5 years. I opened it just to blend you food in. People might think I'm nuts for doing that. That blender was awesome for mixing your food. I doubt I'll be using it again anytime soon.

I cleaned up some of your things but other things I can't bear to move. Your tent is still setup in the corner of our bedroom, right next to where you flew to the Bridge. We have the notebook we logged all your meals in for the past 7 months. Every day, every meal, how much you ate and if you got your medication. Even if it was just 5 treats or 1/4 can of baby food. At the end we were thrilled to have you eat anything on your own. (CRF mommies and daddies will know what I'm talking about.) I have your IV pole. I could sell it on craigslist but I can't yet. It represents our evening routine that extended your life with us. It's strange just "going to bed" now without giving you fluids. We'd put you in bed, turn on classical music and warm water in the sink for your fluids. Jonah and Fionna would watch. Jonah would sit on the bed next to your and Fionna would watch the water. I expect to see you in all the spots you liked to sit and sleep. When I'm working in my office I expect you to strut in with your confident stride and jump in your window seat. I can't imagine having lived with you for 20 years because I can't imagine loving you any more than I already did. In your last 9 months we tried to live 5 years worth or memories always living in the moment and enjoying each day at a time.

Mostly I just miss you Jake. Life seems to have lost all it's vibrancy and everything looks black & white now. I've received so many wonderful messages following your departure to the Bridge. Daddy and I have read each and every one. We're so happy that your story of bravery touched so many people. One person wrote that "CRF cats are tough" and they're right. I still don't know how you made it to the litter box on your last night. You could barely lift your head let alone walk so I laid you on a bed of towels in our bedroom so if you had to go you'd be able to. Just in case I moved the litter box into the room too. I knew you were a determined cat. You'd drag yourself to that box somehow rather than soil yourself. And you did... in the morning I found you sleeping in the box after having gone.

During your last days daddy and I wondered (and daddy worried) what your passing would be like. I imagined it in my mind and hoped I'd know when the time was right. Thank you for your gift Jake. You spared us having to make the decision that so many CRF parents have to make. You went when you were ready. I should have known you'd go on your own terms. Micah flew down to get you and I told you it was alright to leave, your fight here was over. You endured blood tests, trips to the vet, taking your medication, getting your vitamins, getting poked for sub-Q fluids and at the end being syringe fed. You were so brave and determined as you woke up each morning and kept fighting to stay with us. Despite all the tears, your passing was peaceful. I couldn't have asked for more. As you took your last breath I felt your spirit take flight. After you were gone we sat with your body for a little while. I know you weren't there anymore but I already missed you so much. When I feel empty and lost without you and start to cry, I somehow find the strength to stop. I know that's you Jake wrapping your angel wings around me in comfort and love. ~Mommy

Black and Light

I'm an Angel now. I passed away naturally at 10:45 AM. Mommy had scheduled the mobile vet to come at 7 PM tonight but I went before then on my own terms. My spirit is free. Mommy and daddy were with me. I saw Micah and mommy said to go to him where I would be free of my failing body. There was bright light and I felt happy and warm. When I looked down Mommy's world had turned dark. Part of her died with me today so her world seems black now that my sweet light has left her. ~Jake an Angel now

Still Around? Yes I am...

Hi Everyone, Thank you for all the lovely rosettes and purrayers! It means so much to mommy and daddy when they read them. Today was a good day. It was another day I was able to spend with mommy. I went to the litterbox twice by myself during the night. I felt a little more comfortable today so I was able to get a little rest. Mommy and daddy are still feeding me and they put new medicine in my food that is supposed to help my phosphorus levels. I'm a bit wobbly and get tired fast. Daddy said I need my rest. Today I surprised mommy by walking into her office when she was on the phone with daddy. She lifted me up onto my window seat and took THIS PHOTO of me enjoying myself like old times. You might notice my crazy little brother in the background. He's my shadow, nurse and a monkey on my back. He's always hanging around me even when I feel sick.

Mommy and daddy prayed with me tonight like they do every night. They prayed that if I want to stay with them awhile longer that I may be pain free. I was sleeping under the bed but I came out when I heard mommy crying. I don't want to leave her either so I keep trying to find the strength to fight but sometimes I get so tired. I'm going to keep fighting for as long as I can because I love her so much I can't bear to be without her either. When I can't see her I cry for her and she comes running to me. Somehow she knows when I need to go to the bathroom and she carries me there fast so I don't have to walk. I hope tomorrow is another good day. Thanks for keeping me in your purrayers. Purrs for now, ~Jake

Back to My Old Haunts

My new pet bed warmer arrived today! It's bigger than my old one and fits perfectly into my window seat cushion. I own two heating pads made by H+K Pet Products. Mommy bought our first one for Micah and I a few years ago. At my age I really appreciate how it warms my bones. I've been feeling better and better so I'm spending less time in my teepee and more time in the spots I loved before I got sick. Mommy just has to make sure I stay nice and warm. I look pretty content in THIS PHOTO don't I? I love sitting next to my mommy all day long while she works. – Jake Cat

Back on Top!

Believe it or not everyone, I'm feeling better everyday!! I'm back to being Top Cat in the house! Fionna thought she'd try and move on up when I wasn't feeling so well but now that I'm almost back to my old self she's backed off. I'm back to sleeping in bed with mommy and daddy at night and I'm able jump when I want to. My appetite is getting better too. They still syringe feed me a couple times a day to make sure I'm getting enough calories but I eat some food on my own too. My breathing is completely normal now. My biggest problem now is my indigestion but that has always been a problem for me. Mommy gives me transdermal famotidine (pepcid) and usually I feel okay. I'm getting my sub-Q fluids again but mommy is being careful to make sure I'm absorbing all of it. I'm getting more demanding about what I want and make mommy and daddy chase me around the house to feed me now. Mommy ordered a new heating pad for my window seat. I have one setup in my teepee and I told her I need another one because I get the chills even though it's summertime. I only want to be places that are cozy and warm. That way I can get back to sitting next to her in the office during the day. Thanks everyone for purring for me! It's because of mommy and daddy's love and all the prayers that I'm still here! – Jake Cat

Still Lovin' the Catnip

A week ago today I was hooked up to an IV bag! Boy am I glad I'm home! I'm still getting back into my old routines and one of those routines includes my addiction to catnip. Yeah, this goes back many years and at my age there's no point in trying to give it up. An old dude should be allowed at least one vice. Besides these dang kidneys are more likely to do me in. So mommy gave me a special fortune cookie toy while I was sick. She put it in my tent the day I came home. The fortune says, "You are a lucky cat." Well I sure am cuz I'm still here aren't I?

While Jonah was in my hospital room visiting me he sniffed out my cookie and nabbed it. Greedy punk! No wonder his eyes are crossed. He just can't handle his nip. Just look at him all passed out on his back. Well after he attempted to bite it to bits I took my turn with it and mommy took THIS VIDEO which she edited down. In it you you'll see how he keeps popping in and trying to get his cookie back. He's an alright dude though, not like that shrew of a Bengal cat who is always lurking around trying to hiss at me. She shut-up like she should because I'm back to my strong self and will kick her spotted butt. Enjoy! –Jake Cat

I'm Still Here!!

Every night before bed mommy tells me if I'm tired of fighting and want to go to the Bridge to play with Micah she's okay with that. She gets sad at night and I hear her crying. She hopes that what she's doing is right. Every morning I get up and use the litterbox and drink. Today I even tried to jump into bed with daddy and mommy like I always do. Mommy was worried I might stumble so she lifted me up. Somehow she has a way of knowing what I'm about to do or what I need. It was nice being there with them again. I haven't been in daddy and mommy's bed for 5 days since I've been sleeping in my teepee most of the time. Mommy sleeps in the bed beside me so she's always close.

Today my breathing is finally getting better. My cold is almost gone. I ate a few pieces of kibble this AM but it takes me a long time to eat so mommy and daddy still feed me with a syringe. I'm really hungry now so I gobble it up right away. I like treats again and today I got fed treats two times. Mommy took a video of me snacking on some and you can see it HERE ON MY BLOG. Yesterday mommy gave me a small amount of Sub-Q fluids because Dr. B. said we could try and my body was able to handle it. She was worried about my heart and all but in the morning all the fluid was all absorbed and I feel good. A few times today I snuck out of my tent without mommy knowing. If she comes in the room and I'm not there in my tent she panics. I know it's silly because I'm always just using the litterbox or getting a drink of water. Yesterday daddy stopped by the vet to get me more food. He had to pay the balance of the bill for my stay last week. On the bottom it said that I was sent home to be euthanized... hmmm now wouldn't they be surprised to know that I'm still around? Mommy and daddy still aren't sure for how long but every day I seem stronger and more like myself before I got sick. Maybe my levels are high like they say but for now they aren't getting me down! – Jake Cat

It's a Miracle! I'm Still Hanging On.

I want to thank everyone for their purrs, prayers, rosettes and pawmails of encouragement. So far they're working but I've got a long way to go! Mommy and daddy are thanking God for every additional day I'm with them. They thought they were going to have to PMTS on Saturday but I'm still here with them!

Yesterday was a long but peaceful day. I got up and used the litterbox on my own. Number 1 AND number 2!! Then I drank some water from my Fresh Flow pet fountain. Mommy was worried because I'm much weaker now. I get tired fast. I walk a little bit, then get tired and lay down. I like to do things on my own though. Mommy and Daddy said I need energy so they syringe fed me some food. I kept it all down and took a REALLY long nap. Mommy and daddy took turns sitting with me all day long. My nose is still congested but hopefully getting better. Later I got more syringe food (they tell me it'll make me strong) and mommy and daddy played Scrabble in the room with me. Before bed we all held hands and prayed together for the power to heal me. Mommy and daddy held my paw. :) It was a special day.

Today I woke up around 6, used the litterbox and drank some water. I still get tired really fast though. Mommy thought I'd like her to move my cat teepee into the room where my water fountain is. Well I didn't like it there at all. I walked back into the guest bedroom and STARED at the spot where I wanted my cat teepee put back. So back it went. Mommy and daddy thought I must be feeling okay because I'm still bossing them around. I got more syringe food because my tummy was growling a little. A little later daddy was sitting in with me and he put his face down close to me so I sniffed his face and head. Does this mean my smell is coming back a little? Daddy ran into the other room and got some cat treats. They smelled pretty good so I ate a few on my own!! This is the first time I've eaten food the humans have offered me in 4 days! They just keep force feeding me cat pudding. When you can't taste or smell food why bother eating? Now I'm napping in my cat teepee. Mommy is still concerned about my breathing and getting rid of my cold for good. She's going to ask Dr. B. if I can get a little of my Sub Q fluids since I'm still hanging on. Hopefully my body can handle it. Please keep purring and praying for me. It's working! - Jake Cat

Back at Home!

I'm back at home, yippee!! Mommy and daddy come to pick me up like they promised. After draining the fluid off my heart and chest I'm breathing much much better. My nose is still a little bit stuffed from my cold but not like last night in the hospital. That metal cage was not a comfortable accomodation at all! Can you believe they put my food directly next to my commode?? As soon as mommy and daddy showed up to get me, I jumped right in the carrier. Get me the heck of of here! I purred the entire ride home. So Dr. B. said that I sound much better after getting the fluid off my chest. My poor heart just could take all that fluid at one time. He said we should just wait and see what happens. He's amazed that with my renal levels I'm still able to keep food down. My levels haven't gone down, but one thing at a time right?

When I arrived home, I was greeted by my silly brother. Jonah tried to climb into my carrier with me! I resigned myself to tons of kisses, rubs and lovin' from the humans but I'm pretty tired from the vet ordeal. I went to get a drink and used the litterbox. I've been sleeping in me goode olde cat tent. I haven't been in these digs since I was adopted, funny huh? So mommy outfitted my tent with a heating blanket to keep me warm. Right now I need to get my beauty sleep. Tommorrow is a new day so we'll see how I feel. Mommy and daddy aren't ready to put me to sleep (even though I'm tired) just yet. They haven't given up all hope on me since I'm such a tough dude and not just ready to join my brother Micah. Please keep purring and praying for a miracle. – Jake Cat

My Last Day at Home

Last night mommy and daddy came to see me at the hospital. Wow was I happy to see them. I was the only pet there with human visitors and boy did I feel special! They had an IV hooked up to my arm so I tried to rip it out and leave with them. They told me a I needed to stay so I could get better. I'm in the same special cage that my brother Micah was in. It's special because it has heat and oxygen. When they saw that though it made them sad and worried.

Today I'm not doing so well though. Momma is bringing me home soon. Dr. B. says that with all the additional IV fluids pumping into me, it's putting a strain on my heart. The right side of my heart is filling with fluid. Because my creatinine is so high I'm not going to the bathroom anymore so I'm not getting rid of the fluid on my own. They can't reduce the fluids or I'll have complete kidney failure, if they keep giving me fluid I'll have a heart attack when my heart drowns. Mommy wants to die she's so sad. She can't imagine life without me. They are going to drain some of the fluid off my heart with a needle and then mommy and daddy are going to bring me home. Mommy promised me she would bring me home so she is. I'll be going to the Bridge soon where I'll see my brother Micah. Mommy knows that Micah will be so happy to see me that'll he'll scream with joy, but she's just so sad because she's not ready to let me go. - Jake Cat

I'm in the Hospital

Momma took me to the vet this morning because I've been fighting a cold all week. It wasn't getting worse but it wasn't getting any better either. My nose is all stuffed up and I keep sneezing! Mommy and daddy had been syringe feeding me the last couple days because I can't smell food so it's just not that interesting to me. I don't really like it but I didn't hate it either. At least I don't get hungry and mommy cleans my face afterward. The vet checked to make sure my lungs were okay and drew blood to check my Creatinine and BUN. They said that my cold is under control which is good (isolated to my sinuses and not my lungs with no secondary infections) but my renal levels have gone up even more since last week. They advised mommy that I be admitted for IV fluid treatment. Hopefully by bringing my levels down I'll be able to fight my cold more effectively. Mommy and daddy are going to visit me tonight during visiting hours. Mommy is very sad that I won't be in bed with her at night for a few days. I've slept in bed with her every night since I was adopted. Please send your purrs my way. – Jake Cat

My Friend Charlie

One of my best friends Charlie passed away yesterday. I already miss him terribly. He was my first CRF friend on Catster after I was diagnosed in Oct. 2008. Charlie lived with CRF for over 5 years. He continues to be an inspiration of dignity, courage and the will to live. He is with my little brother Micah now at the Rainbow Bridge. Please visit his page. He was a special cat and a wonderful friend.

Adventures in Catnip Blog

I update my blog Jake & Micah ~ Adventures in Catnip more than my diary so check it out if you have the time! It has loads more photos of me with Micah, Jonah and Fionna along with tons of fun cat stuff! Purrs, Jake

My latest CBC Results

Mommy, daddy and I had another date with the vet last week. It was hard for mommy and daddy to go back there (to the same room in fact) where everything bad went down for them the week before with Micah.

Dr. Dave felt my stomach and listened to my heart and lungs. I also got weighed. I'm still my muscular and attractive 15 lb. self! Then he whisked me off for a blood test! UGH! It wasn't so bad though, I like Dr.Dave. He treats me with the respect a cat should get at the vet. No baby band aid this time.

Anyway I got my results a couple days later. **Drumroll... My BUN and Creatinine numbers have gone down!! Yippee! Not down to normal, they will never be normal again. But down enough that's encouraging to mommy and daddy. Mommy just makes sure I get my Calcitriol every day along with a quarter Pepcid. The Pepcid helps settle my tummy so I keep my appetite up. For now I've been active, playful and enjoying life as much as I can without my little brother Micah.

Hey little brother, where are you?

I searched the house for you again today...under the bed, in your favorite bathroom, at the top of the cat tree, under daddy's desk...I even wait for you before I eat.

Mommy said you're my guardian angel now, but what does that mean? Does that mean we can't wrestle anymore, that I can't push you on your back and nip at your belly, that I can't clean your face with my tongue? I listen for your voice to call to me down the long hallway and wait for you to jump into bed with me at night. It's getting cold now and I miss cuddling with you on the couch and when it's cold in the morning. Little brother, I miss you. Your big bro, ~Jake

My CRF Diagnoses and Losing My Little Brother

It’s been 4 weeks since I was first diagnosed with CRF (Chronic Renal Failure). Since then a lot has happened. Mommy and Daddy took me to see a specialist and he got me started on Renal food and Calcitriol. Mommy was so worried and sad but I've been doing really really well. I like my food and my activity level is back to normal. I've been jumping and playing. Mommy is so happy since we caught it early and we're taking preventative measures. I go back for a checkup next week so we'll see where my levels are at.

Today was the saddest day for Mommy and Daddy. My little brother Micah died today. I was his big brother and he really looked up to me. Something bad happened to him and they took him to the emergency hospital in the middle of the night. He hadn't come back and I wondered where he went. I saw them put him in the carrier and he wasn't happy at all.

Mommy and Daddy were crying all day today. It kind of scared me to see them so sad. They've been so worried about me the past 3 weeks and never knew my little brother was sick too. I went looking for him yesterday and today and he's not around. He doesn't try to find me when I'm eating or in his bathroom. Mommy said I'm her only baby now and that I'll see Micah at the Rainbow Bridge someday. I know by then he'll be ready to wrestle me big time! I try to give Mommy and Daddy lots of blinkies and I sit on their laps to make them feel better. I'm missing my brother lots too.

The Me Me Game!

I was tagged by Taylor!

THE RULES
Each player starts with seven random facts about themselves. Cats who are tagged need to write about themselves (the seven random facts) as well as the rules in their diary. You need to select seven cats to tag and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment (via p-mail) telling them that they've been tagged and that they need to read your diary for more information.

MY SEVEN FACTS:

1. I don't like my feet to get dirty. I clean them religiously, in between toes, under nails. You could eat off them, they're the cleanest thing in the house! I love to clean them right before bed.
2. I love coconut.
3. I never miss a meal, EVER.
4. I am very sensitive to medication. I've given mommy a couple scares with the vet.
5. I talk A LOT. I hardly ever shut up. I even taught my brother how to speak. His voice is not as musical as mine though.
6. I am a CRAZY good jumper. I amaze my brother sometimes. He just stares at me like, how'd he do that???
7. I am really really smart. Mommy & daddy say I probably have the intelligence of an 8 year old if I could only speak human!

The 7 Cats I tagged:
George...it's good to be king
Tiki
Apollo
Minnie
Hobbes
Toni
Micah (my bro, don't want him to feel left out!)

Mommy is a kitty chef now?

Daddy has been very worried about us and the pet food scare lately. None of the foods we eat are on the list...yet but they keep updating the list everyday. Mommy and daddy keep saying it's really scary and they don't know what they would do if anything bad happened to us. There have been lots of stories in the news about other kitties like us getting really sick from eating food that had poison in it. Mommy checked all of our cat foods and treats for wheat gluten. Not quite sure what that is but it doesn't even sound like something Micah and I would like to eat anyway. Daddy said that maybe they should start cooking food for us until things settle down. Mommy found a book with some cat food recipes, go figure. Yesterday mommy started cooking something on the stove that smelled pretty good. I couldn't help but keep jumping on the counter to get a better look. She gave some of it to Micah and I for dinner and Daddy gave us more for Breakie. I think it's pretty good but I don't think Micah is all that fond of it. He prefers seafood and mommy said that what she made for us is chicken. Mommy said she has more recipes to try so maybe she will find one that both Micah and I both like!

A Star Studded Day!

Today I made a wonderful new friend, Navin R. Johnson-Davis. Navin gave me the best gift a cat could ask for... a shiny “lasts forever” STAR! I feel as though I received my own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame! I am SO honored someone would think I am special enough to deserve a star! I wrote in my diary last week how I wished I could have one just like my brothers. Well my kitty prayers were answered and now I have a bright yellow star of my very own! Thank you SO much Navin!

Jake one, Micah one

This month I beat my brother for the most Rosettes! Paws in the air guys! Last month he had more than me. BOO! For some reason everyone thinks he is SO cute. Cute is for babies. I am one handsome dude. I was good at giving lots of Rosettes to new friends and other deserving cats this month. In return I got lots of Rosettes too. I even got an anonymous 4 leaf clover from the Lucky Leprechaun! That was very cool, so I passed the favor along. In light of the celebration, I sense a problem. Micah has 2 STARS! I don't have any stars...Stars last forever. If mommy would just get some Zealies then maybe I would be able to get a star. Looks like I'm going to have to do some begging...

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday. I've been telling the humans they need to be my slaves today but they aren't abiding by my birthday wishes. My little brother also needs to show me some birthday respect. They had the nerve to give me only one serving of chicken breast for lunch and then tried to put some clown party collars on us. Parties are supposed to have unlimited food right? An impressive spread or buffet perhaps? Well all we got were a few measly cat treats! What the #@!#%!! I better have a ice cream birthday cake coming to me later tonight along with a lot more attention and waiting on me hand and foot!