June 8

Last night at 7:00pm I had to put Honey to sleep. I am forever broken hearted. I miss her so much; I keep thinking she will come around the corner, last night I dreamt she was just on vacation and came back a few days later...

over the weekend, when I was gone at our family reunion in Mo. I received word about how she was behaving and it was bad. My friend Jill picked her up and brought her to the hospital on Friday, she said she wasn't good and had fluid in her lungs and her heart was huge..her abdomen was working really hard, and so was she, to breathe. They immediately got her on oxygen and gave her diaretics to release the fluid. Jill then took her to the ER to be monitored all night. Sat morning my dad got me to the St. Louis airport...and I arrived at the ER at 5:00pm.

she had made no improvements... the fluid wasn't moving out and her abdomen was intense has she tried to breath and she was in a oxygen box the whole time. I think she was happy I was there. The doctors and I agreed that the there was nothing we could do because she has heart disease and this would only happen again ...IF she even got over this hump, which, they said she wasn't getting over.. they said that normally improvements are made after 6 hours and at this point it had been just about 24 hours of treatment. I stayed and petted her for a while...it seems her whole concentration was going to her trying to catch a breath. It was bad. I knew this wasn't the life for her.

they gave us a private room and I got to hold Honey and say goodbye in private and then, when they came back I held her as they gave her a barbituate and she was gone. I can only hope she is with my Grandpa (her first owner who adored her until he passed away 7 years ago, I got her after so my Gram wouldn't trip on her). I'm sure she is with him and wherever Xena is she is taking care of her too in spirit.

As for me I feel horrible, like I should have caught this breathing sooner and I shouldn't have left for the trip. I am agonizing over every detail of everything... but I knew her heart was bad and she was on meds for it, which she had been responding to...she was eating and playing and sleeping like a rag-a-muffin so happy for months...but I think I always knew eventually the meds were only going to do so much before mother nature took over...

it's really hard to be at the apartment now and I kepe thinking she will back shortly from her nap in the closet...she was my best friend and so snuggly and such a good cat. NO matter what, I could always depend on her.. I only wish I could have been better for her and made this heart problem disappear...