November 30th 2007 11:51 pm
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He died in my arms, in a taxi. We were on our way to an emergency clinic.
I will try to write more tomorrow...
I know many of you loved my Wally~
I am going to need you all if I am to get through this.
I have been putting off writing this. It's all so complicated and hurts to even think about. There was so much wrong with my baby bear.
I think I always knew that he wasn't going to have a long life but still his death
was a horrific shock.
Wally starting feeling worse after Sydney Rose died. Tried not to talk about it here on catster cause it was all too much. There was such an outpouring for my Sydney Rose, that I didn't feel it was fair to make our friends sad for Wally when I didn't even know what was going on with him.
The last UTI he had they took an x ray. It showed a "mass" which I took to be a
euphemism for cancer. The vet said she saw something she has never seen before...not very comforting words. Something about his small intestine curling
into his bladder. She seemed to not know what it mean or what it was doing to him.
We had been waiting for a urine test result (which I only got after he died~there
was a problem at the lab. Wally had an antibiotic resistant infection. Because the results were delayed he was not getting the right medication.
All this time he was eating less and less. Moaning almost all the time and screaming at night. I had scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound (it would have been tomorrow)
Late Friday evening he was beside me on the pillow. I was gently stroking his head his body and talking to him..Begging him to be strong for mom..He suddenly stood up, jumped off the bed but he didn't land on his feet.He screamed once a terrible scream. He fell on his side and stayed that way.
Now I was in emergency mode. I grabbed one of his baby blankets, picked him up gently. He was totally limp.His breathing was labored. He was looking into my eyes...
The weather was horrible. We waited for a taxi for nearly 20 minutes when normally one comes in about 3. The Emergency Hospital is far, the driving terrible. I don't know if time would have made a difference...I will never know.
The radio was on..The announcer said it was
Midnight~(Eastern Standard time)
I looked at my baby. His eyes were shining in the semi-dark looking into mine. I held him close and kissed the top of his head.He took a breath. I watched the light in his eyes dim and fade.They gently closed. He never breathed out. His soul left his sweet body. I now was holding Wally's shell.
I don't know how I was able to function. I do know when the receptionist asked for my address I started giving her my London address, I haven't lived there in 5 years...I am pretty sure I asked for an autopsy. I so wanted to know what had happened to him. I also asked for a private cremation. I wanted his ashes home
with me. Everything is a fog..I just remember signing a whole bunch of papers and handing over my Visa.
I finally passed out it was morning. A bright sunny day. Managed to sleep a few hours. When I pulled myself together and called the hospital more shocks
waited for me. They cremated him along with others. No autopsy no ashes~ever
I kept hoping I was having a nightmare... but my baby and any answers I could have had are all gone.
His regular vet is very upset. She can't tell me why he crashed so suddenly.
Yes he was very ill and I would not have gone the chemo route or any other of what I consider extreme measures.
My Wally had already suffered too much
in his short life. His weight had doubled in less than a year. (He really wasn't eating more then what he was supposed to be) At 18 lbs he was fat. It's possible that his sweet little heart gave out.. Is there anyone to blame? If they had known about that the infection was bacteria resistant would it have made a difference?
Could the infection have spread to the rest of his body? It is not something
a vet would admit. So I have to let go. Nothing will bring him back. He is gone
but I know we will meet again.
God's Garden Must Be Beautiful
God saw you getting tired,
When a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped His arms around you,
And whispered, "Come to Me".
You didn't deserve what you went through,
So He gave you rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only picks the best.
And when I saw you sleeping,
So peaceful and free from pain,
I could not wish you back
To suffer that again.
~ Author Unknown~
You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that
he will come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all
the memories that he left.
Your heart can be empty because you
cannot see him,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and
live for yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because
You can remember him and only that is gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can do what he would want : smile, open your eyes,
love and go on.
Today, tomorrow, the rest of my days I will remember you with love and smiles. You were my baby boy, my Wally Bear