The Top 10 Favorite Beers of Cats

10> Dos Brekkies

9> Missing Nads Bitter

8> Mauster Brau

7> Fostered Lager

6> Heinekitten

5> Neutered Tom Stout

4> Yarnling

3> Mousehead Lager

2> Feleinenkugel


and the Number 1 Favorite Beer of Cats...


1> Bird Light

The Top 10 Kitty Horror Movies

10> Cheetah Cheetah Bang Bang

9> Don't Tell Mom the Can Opener's Dead

8> Soap and Water World

7> I Cough Up Hairballs on Your Grave

6> The Texas De-Claw Massacre

5> Eight-Lived Freaks

4> Litterboxing Helena

3> The Silence of the Iams

2> I Taw What You Did Lat Tummer!


and the Number 1 Kitty Horror Movie...


1> The Day the Yarn Stood Still

The Top 8 Differences If Santa's Sleigh Was Pulled by Cats

8> When Santa wants nine cats to fly all in the same direction,
it's "On, Hoover, on, Shop-Vac...."

7> Christmas is slightly delayed while we wait for Vixen to
finish cleaning herself.

6> December 24: Fire departments the world over go on rooftop
rescue red alert.

5> Santa may get the cookies, but no way he keeps that milk to
himself.

4> First, the dinner and the grooming. Then the napping, followed
by a light snack. Then, maybe, the flying.

3> Parents frantically cover the kids' sandboxes.

2> Less antler envy.


and the Number 1 Difference If Santa's Sleigh Was Pulled by
Cats...


1> "He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And they gave him a look of contemptuous dismissal."

How to "Cat-Proof" Your Christmas Tree

1. Buy a cardboard box big enough to hold the tree. Paint it red and yellow. Paste pictures of cats playing with toys on the box. Write phrases on the box like: "Giant very expensive cat toy." "Your cat will LOVE it!" "No cat can resist!" "Hours and hours of fun!" "Only $99,999,999.99!"


2. Bring the tree home inside the box, and round up your cats. Say, "look what mommy got you! A giant, really really expensive cat toy! You will go NUTS! I can't wait to see you play with this!"


3. Force the cats to watch you put up the tree and decorate it. If they drift off towards the cardboard box, bring them back to the tree and point at it while saying things like "you had better play with this thing, mommy spent a month's salary on it."


4. When the tree is decorated, wave some branches in their face and shout, "come on and play! Lookee here, the branches move, see? Kitty is supposed to swat at the branches and have lots and lots of fun! Hey, come back here! You come back here right now and play with this tree. See how much fun it is? HEY. I'M TALKING TO YOU. Get out of that box right now, mister. The box is NOT a toy. THIS is the toy."

If you do this with enough sincerity, your cats will avoid the tree like it was a foaming mad Rottweiler. Of course, you'll be stuck with a big ugly cardboard box in your living room all through the holidays, but it can always double as a buffet table.

Mom told us to read this....

Cat Commandments

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the computer.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.
Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 a.m.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

What's goin on with Momma??

As some of you know, we lost our house in a horrible fire on June 29th 2006...
Well, Mom got a surprise today, when a man walked in from a dry cleaners shop and dropped off her black leather coat!!! She was GIGGLING she was so happy!!! It was just a stupid old coat... sometimes I think that woman is a complete *LOON*

She tried to explain to me that it was one of the only things she was able to save, and she forgot about it.

Still seems kinda looney to me tho...

she's been very busy reading all the mail coming in from the Terrific Tabbies group, so as long as she's happy, i'm cool.

ZeldyMuffin

Things CATS Must Try To Remember!

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.


I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.


If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.


The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.


If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.


I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files".


Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.


No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.


If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.


My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.


The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.


I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.


I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.


It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.


The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.


If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.


I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.


The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.


I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my parts grow back.


If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.

He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case.

As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.