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Faster than a speeding mouse, more scary than a musk ox, it's SPARKMAN!

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How NOT to Carve Toilet Paper.

December 27th 2006 8:04 am
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So I got this GREAT idea for a Christmas present. I was going to carve the most incredible portrait of my entire family for the mantle! It was going to be swell-- Mom and Dad smiling; Moose bathing himself in rude places; Capt. Morgan looking like his regal pirate king self; and ME biting all their tails!!!

So I looked around for carving material, and what did I find?! TOILET PAPER! I grabbed the spare roll and ran off with it! Now, I'm getting bigger. But That roll's still kinds big. So I was tilting my head all the way back to carrying the thing and I didn't notice it but I ran by Mom and Granddad with it... Didn't see them until I was RIGHT under them. They laughed and took it away. But *I* am SPARKMAN, the kitten sized superhero!!! I liberate all captive objects and leap all furniture in single bounds!!! So as soon as Grand-people and Auntie and Uncle and my WEIRD cousins left... I snuck back in the hiding captive place and FREED THE TOILET PAPER from no doubt an evil villain or monster thing!

I laid in the living room merrily carving my sculpture: best technique is to bite it and hold it with your front paws while kicking it with your feet out, by the way. So there I was all merrily carving off flakes of snowy paper like a master craftsmen when the weirdest thing of the season happened... I mean, my cousin who visited is a something called a turtle. She was just plain odd. But THIS was crazy weird. I felt this sharp pain in my mouth and then saw blood... MY TOOTH CAME OUT OF MY HEAD! Those aren't supposed to do anything but inflict semi-permanent damage to small toys, twigs, and Dad's hands, right?!!! They're not supposed to be removable!!! I was just totally shocked. I just dropped the project right there and walked away. All shook up and scared!

Mom later was coo-ing over it like it was anything near as cute as me... What gives, Mom?! She even put it in a special cup in the cupboard and told me to leave more of them out where she can find them... MORE?!... I can't lose MORE teeth! I NEED those! They're like such a big part of my superpowers!!! This is just so confusing. My teeth are supposed to stay IN my mouth, aren't they?!


"Ho ho ho" must be human for "I've come to eat you, little- kitty!"

December 7th 2006 1:58 pm
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Moose told me humans act weird this time of year, what with bringing trees in the house and such... But this was the most terrifying yet! We were all enjoying our quiet evening at home when this scary man all dressed in red and white came out of no where! He was going around petting cats like he knew them and Mom was taking pictures! I was all arched back and cowering, just waiting to hiss at this burglar creep. I mean who the heck was THIS freak?!

Moose sniffed at him and purred, Captain Morgan just looked bored with the whole event... But I was just terrified! And what’s more, Dad left when this dude showed up! I just squirmed and whined and refused to be near this maniac of a weirdo! I mean REALLY! What were these humans expecting? Inviting oddly dressed strangers over to hug us and pose for pictures!?!

He kept saying things like "ho ho ho" and "What do you want for Christmas?" Those have GOT to be human for "I have come to eat you, little kitty!" or "My suit's dyed with kitten blood!" And MOM just kept taking pictures and even had the nerve to put one on my web page!! I am just utterly disgusted and glad that guy left! He threatened to see me again at Christmas, but if he even tries getting in here, I got a few claws he'll be greeting... How do you like that Mr. Sandy Claws! hmpf!


A Regular Kitten Tree Fort! --or-- "I am kitten, feel my claws!"

December 4th 2006 9:11 am
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Okay, so there was total complete weirdness among the humans this weekend! They actually have finally completely lost their minds. I am in utter shock and amazement at this one! I mean, they dragged in a TREE! Needles flying everywhere, branches sticking out and whacking stuff... I could never in my wildest kitten super hyper speeds create this much chaos in the house! It was INSANE, I tell you! The Captain, Moose and I stood around telling them so, and pawing at the thing... sniffing wild eyed and in utter disbelief...

Then I took action! "Mom," I chirped, "Trees are not decorations, they are jungle gyms. Let me show you how we use them for training here at superhero kitty camp!" And like a little squirrel I shot up the trunk! Mom was grabbing at me but I just wrapped my paws around a branch and started biting and clawing and showing her how we utterly destroy, repel, and decimate invaders of the tree! I am kitten, feel my CLAWS!!!

So eventually she retreated her hand out of the tree and just let me hang out. It was fun! A regular kitten fort! I came out and went back in quite a few times. Mom and Dad said something about "tying it to the banister" and "waiting to decorate it." Whatever all that means.

And you know, afterward I did not hear even one of my usual accusations of "smelling like a kitten." Rather, I think they liked my wild woods kitten scent! I got to go to bed without even the usual threat of a kitten bath! But my paws were so sticky! I was just walking around sticking my paws on everything-- floor, carper, newspaper... I must improve my kitten fort. and drink its tasty water bucket! mmmmmmm... purrs!


Warning about PLASTIC BAGS!

December 1st 2006 8:53 am
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Oh, my! Mommy and I were startled to hear this, but very grateful to our pal Chumley [#336620] for the information! THANKS, CHUMLEY!

Mom says if any Catster buds ever read about me getting into things that might hurt me, please let us know! I'm posting what Chumley said below...

and a paw wave out to Chrissy too this morning! [#293447] She really decorated my page!! I have such fantabulous friends here on Catster!!!

purrs --SPARKMAN!


"I am concerned about you, playing with plastic bags. My Momma doesn't ever allow us to have plastic bags, because she is afraid we will hurt ourselves. It would be so easy for us to chew off a little bit of the bag, and suffocate if it caught in our throats. Please, please, please be careful, Sparkman! Or maybe your Mama could try to keep the plastic bags away from you kitties. If she does let you play with them, don't let her even look away for long enough for you to get a little piece in your mouth."


My Heroic Battle with Demon Eggplant Sent Out to Destroy All- of Kitten Kind! and drink my milk!

November 30th 2006 7:07 am
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One of my new favorite games is to explore those plastic shopping bags. So when Mom and Dad go to a store and bring home a bunch of them, I AM IN HEAVEN!

So there I am, bouncing from bag to bag and chasing my tail. Having QUITE the kitten time when I bounce onto one that still has something inside it... and it kinda rocked from side to side when I pounced on it... I sneaked up and did that ninja paw kitten chop on it... deciding it at least had no teeth, I backed up and dove head first into the bag. And what was in there but ANOTHER BAG! It was clear and I was rolling for joy and biting at it when I saw IT. The most incredible, the most pounce able, the biggest kitten toy ever-- an EGG PLANT!

Now its the same size as me, so you know its not really just a harmless vegetable fruit thing... It's really a masked demon monster sent out to destroy all of kitten kind!!! and to drink my milk!!! So I did a double back flip and grabbed the thing by the front paws and started kicking it wildly with my back feet! Die monster eggplant!!!

Well after a little while, I realized Mom might try to save it and put it in the fridge, as she does a lot of my toys (green pepper, apples...). So I took action!!! Moose and Captain Morgan created a distraction-- Captain started pawing at a bowl of cherry tomatoes Mom had just taken out of the fridge, and Moose started running around under her legs tripping her.

I grabbed the clear bag in my mouth and started dragging the danged heavy thing across the floor to that bat cave toy den I'm eventually going to make. And I had gotten it out of the bigger bag... past the food dishes... almost to the hall when a giant hand came out of the sky and picked me up! It was Mom! How had she gotten past my brothers?! Dang it. She picked up the eggplant and put in with the green peppers and apples... foiled again! Don't blame me if it drinks the milk!


okay, learned a lesson...

November 21st 2006 7:26 am
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okay, so I was jumping around the radiator biting Captain Morgan as he slept, and I slipped. I landed between the radiator and the bookcase... There was no way out of there!!! So I just sat and whimpered until Mom found me.

now shes moving the book case over so I won't get stuck there when she's not embarassed. I guess I shouldnt have bragged about being able to attack my brothers up there... pout...


Super Kitten reaches New Heights-- RADIATOR!

November 21st 2006 6:51 am
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Well it has FINALLY happened! I am finally just amazing and talented and everyone wishes they were as frickin' awesome as ME!!!! I am finally big enough, tall enough, strong enough, clever enough... okay okay need to breathe... I CAN REACH THE TOP OF THE RADIATOR!!!! Just like a real cat!!!!!

Oh, you just don't understand how very excited I am! I mean, the radiator is where Moose and Capt. Morgan go to hide from me when they’re sick of cuddling or getting their tails bit. (Moose does occasionally dangle his tail off to the side so I can jump for it) But oh my gosh! It's so very fantabulous!

All I have to do is jump on the couch (EASY!), walk to the back part of it, Jump onto the box shelf (short jump, but big scary gap I could fall down), climb along the windowsill (long hard hike, but worth it!) and then its jump onto the other bookshelf (a little scary because Mom's plant is in the way... but it has LEAVES or should I say it HAD leaves!), then its just a small hop onto the radiator!!!

Moose greeted me last time with a glare and a paw to the nose. He must be trying to play already?! I'm just so excited, I tried sleeping up there but it's just so exciting to BE up there I just cant keep my eyes shut. So exciting in kitten world!!


Sliding Around in the Water Spraying Tub Thingie!

November 15th 2006 6:50 am
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Okay so, Dad was in the people watering thing getting sprayed, and I was like "oh, poor Dad! Mommy's making him bathe too!" But Mom was still in bed, so I thought I'd peak in and tell him so he didn't have to be in there, we'd lie for him! So I stick my head around the curtain, realize I have to actually climb along the side of the bath tub thing to see him even, and I chirp at him just as I take another step and slide RIGHT INTO THE SPRAYING WATER! It was terrifying, I got wet; I saw my whole life flash before my eyes!!! I struggled and by some feat of superpowers I managed to climb out and back onto the side ledge of the tub thingie.

So being the cute kitten that I am, I started to head towards the curtain, then turned and walked back realizing I hadn't told Dad anything, when what did I see behind me?! That silly wiggly tail of mine! It is just such a teasing thing! It was following me and mocking my every movement (it does that A LOT)... So I was getting ready to show it who was boss; I lifted my front paws to pounce and then bath tub thing I went! I mean, it was like ten seconds after the first fall and there I was sliding around in the water spraying tub thingie again! I was so miffed. I again used superpowers to climb out and then sat in the hallway, wet, and waited for one of my brothers to lick me off. Just a horrible morning.


I am Just an Overwhelmed Super Kitten.

November 8th 2006 9:38 am
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It has been such a busy time here! I just can't keep up. I am swamped with work. I mean there are not enough hours in the day for all my tail biting, curtain swinging, garbage pail diving, toe biting, toy tormenting, litter showers, lamp climbing, kitten naps, broom battles, chirping, chipmunk watching, bug eating, television attacking, house plant killing, or even my blanket tunneling habits! Sometimes I just get so exhausted I fall asleep right on the ball in track toy, or lay limply while gnawing on Capt. Morgan's ear. What is a kitten to do?! This house needs ten kittens, but there’s only me. And I'm sure glad I'm such a super hero, because I'm the only one who could make all of this happen!

But every now and then, I am just an overwhelmed kitten. Mom and Dad don't seem to notice the lengths I go to not to blast off into space or self combust with all this energy. At least my big brother Moose seems to be trying; he twitches his tail while he sleeps and all but tries not react when I pounce around biting it... such a noble deed! Thanks Moosey!



October 27th 2006 11:31 am
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Well geeez! I was trying toeat my lunch, and of course I DID decide to eat the big cat dry food and not the little cat dry food. But that's no reason at all for this! I was just munching along, minding my own business, when Moose walked past behind me. I got nervous and decided to eat facing towards him, just so i'd know where he was... I turned and backed up between the food dish and the water dish and kept munching. It is so good to eat the big cat food! So there I was munching along when I realized my butt was wet... then my back legs... then my tail... I looked behind me and jumped! Straight in the air! I had somehow managed to stick my whole rear end INTO the water dish! How did I get so long?! Am I growing or something?! I can't grow! This will spoil my cuteness! Oh, no! I'm going to get HUGE like Moose or Capt. Morgan!!!

I ran up to Mommy, who'd been watching me with a strange smile on her face... oh, she knew i was sitting in the water dish... anyways I sat my wet rump on her socked foot and cried. It was just so humiliating! I'm glad she washed the water bowl before anyone important found out... you know... like Capt. Morgan!

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