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Faster than a speeding mouse, more scary than a musk ox, it's SPARKMAN!

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The One Time I Behave, She Wants Yelling?!

February 14th 2008 1:51 pm
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Hey! I finally figured out why Mom was snippy with us this morning. You see, we were confused because she was playing with us, opening cat food cans, teasing us with toys, and then suddenly she was just grumpy! I just overheard her on the phone with Dad, and now I know the whole story...

Apparently Catster has this Voki Talking Animated Cat thing going on the main page. And Mom sure loves all that weird stuff on the main page, let me tell you! We have calendars, cards, big photos... So apparently she was trying like mad this morning to get us to talk into the microphone on the laptop! Then she gets to put our voice on an animated kitten for our page! But you see, she was being so quiet that we all assumed it was quiet time and were being good, silent little kitties.

She tried messing with fetch mousie, pulling out potatoes, fed us an extra dinner, jiggled the doorknob like she was letting us on the porch, and she even sat in the bathtub waiting for me to come yell at her! Poor Mom! Why didn't she just tell us to yell?! She was being so quiet herself, we thought she had one of those headaches again or something! Yeesh, Mom!

End of the story; she gave up and we don't have any animated talking kittens... Maybe tomorrow?!


General Warning Issued to All Humans...

February 7th 2008 8:56 am
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Stop petting my ears, you humans! I know they get really warm when I sleep and that they're softer than soft... But your fingers are dang dang COLD! So stop it. I'll whine at you and bite them if you try it again! See these claws? They're for humans that don't listen! Stop petting my ears!

And while you're at it, stop kissing them too. Your slobber is the hardest dang smell to get off my ears, and Captain Morgan says he's sick of licking my ears every time my stupid humans kiss them. You are cramping my style and messing up my fur! Stinky humans!

Hands off the ears!


Mouse Chasings Galore!!!

February 4th 2008 9:26 am
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Oh my Bastet! There was just so much excitement here this weekend, don't be surprised if we all don't insist on writing about it in our diaries! There was a mouse in the house! And we ALL got to play with it! That is, all besides Dad; he went to work. But him going to work is how it got in! Let me explain...

We were all asleep in bed, Dad got up to go to work much earlier than usual, and we were all sleepy. So only Moose got up to say "bye" to him. And we were in bed, listening to Moose "meeping" at the door like he always does after Dad leaves. Then he starts playing with something. Real wild running around antics and crazies! And he knock over something in the other room. Captain and I looked at each other, heard Moose scamper some more, and then we were off! We knew something good was going on out there!

As we got to the living room, Moose started growling and I got scared. Moose is a fierce, strong kitty! If he says stay back, I stay back! But Captain's just the bravest dude ever. He runs over and is crouching down looking at Moose and trying to see what he's got.

Mom gets up about then and walks in and does the same. I get over there just in time to see Moose drop this teeny mouse he had in his mouth! It runs right under the sofa! So she pulls it out and lets us try and get it out from under there. We were literally running laps around the couch, trying to catch that little guy. Captain finally got it out, and chased it to the propped open door in the hall, Mom immediately opens that for us too. And the mouse had vanished!

Now we knew there were no mouse holes there, so we were sniffing around when Moose starts pawing at the corner of the wall. I stuck my head up to say "Moose. you doofus!" when I saw that teeny mouse climbing the wires to the door bell! Moose was being real careful, cause he knows we're not aloud to chew or mess with wires. (One of the few rules we respect!)

It finally falls off and starts running, and I caught it this time! I grabbed it in my mouth and carried it to the bathroom. I had an epic battle with the little intruding alien mini-mouse then! Ha ha! I was ninja chopping it and body slamming it and it was scared, me me tell you! All big eyes and claws!

Then Mom comes over with this jar. Sure Mom, jars are fun too! I batted at the jar and then swatted my mouse, who'd started climbing the shower curtain. Mom pulls out this screw driver and I'm all "Oh! YOU are going to stab it! I gotta see this." We have been trying to get those humans into hunting for months. So I just sit back and watch what I expect to be a brutal and disgusting mess.

But she just gently taps the mouse with the screw driver and shoves it into the jar. Then screws the lid on. What the?! Mom!

She got her coat and stuff on and left the jarred mouse on the floor for a second for us to gawk at. Then she picked it up and walked it outside! She came back in without it, and Moose went on the porch to look for another. We all treated her like she'd made her first kill, though I doubt it. There was no mouse blood on her anywhere! And I should know. I sniffed and licked her whole face while she was asleep!

But at least we all got an extra dinner and treats out of it... And I got potatoes! I'd rather have them than mouse guts any day! Yum! Potatoes! purrs...


Valentine's Day for Sparkman!

January 28th 2008 8:29 am
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I am all decorated for Valentine's Day! I got all my favorite things on my page: Ninjas, Goats, and even POTATOES!!!! (Thank you so much, Oly!)

For those of you just logging onto my page for the first time, you're probably confused to heck... Sorry about that. Let me introduce myself, I am Sparkman, aka the Ninja Goat Cat that eats raw potatoes! Phew, I bet that cleared up a whole lot of confusion. Now off to scrounge around for wayward socks and potato wedges... Purrs every-kitty!


Sparkman Explores Snow!

January 26th 2008 8:07 am
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It's so exciting! The humans finally turned up the heat outside, and now we get to go out on the porch more! What's more, they even took us outside to walk around in the SNOW! I walked around to the side of the house (Mom never letting me get more than a foot or two away from her), just to see if I could see where the snow ended. And you'll be shocked by this, IT DOESN'T!

I mean, there's places where the humans have pushed it out of the way, like the Don't-Walk-There Street and the Dog-Walk-There sidewalk, but no physical end to the snow! I think this stuff has carpeted the whole world! I mean, this happens every winter and the humans know about it? Why didn't they tell me? I just assumed when I finally got outside, I'd walk a little and reach the sunny warm green grass. Where the heck is it?! It's so amazing.

And this snow stuff is pretty dang cold on the toes. Mom took me in after I started lifting one paw to give it a rest, then the other. She said Captain came in after he started shivering, and Moose came in of his own accord. Apparently the pavement stairs were too icy cold for brave mighty Moose man! Good thing I'm so amazingly brave. These two would never get along without my leadership.


Blue Mousie's Near Death Experience

January 17th 2008 8:22 am
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My humans are embarrassing me. It's bad enough that they can't be bothered to lick themselves clean and have to resort to *gasp* the shower, but this is the last straw. Mom and I were playing fetch and we were having a great volley back and forth; back and forth. Then she threw blue mousie too high. He went up, up, and INTO the overhead light fixture! I was absolutely shocked and terrified for poor blue mousie. I just sat there calling and screaming, frantic to get to him! I climbed on the liter box, I hopped on my hind feet... I know Moose said he was only up there for like thirty seconds while Mom went to get a chair. But it seemed like HOURS! The poor mouse! He might have melted! My poor poor blue mousie!! Bad human, bad!


Operation Stop Biting Us, part deux

January 16th 2008 10:09 am
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Operation Stop Biting Us has been a success! That is, since *I* took charge and told my Mom what's what... She actually was trying to give me cat treats as incentive?! WRONG!!! I just walked over to the potato gun one day while she was dishing up treats and started licking it. She got the message! I want raw potato pieces for treats! (I imagine all my friends online understand this and are just shaking their heads at my foolish Mom who thought CAT TREATS were appropriate for a Ninja Goat Cat like me! Ha!)

Since the new and improved, Incentive Potato Wedge Program started, I've been on my best behavior! No biting, clawing, or gnawing... At least, not on Mom's and Dad's fingers. As to Blue Mousie, that's different. I ripped part of his stitching yesterday, and today this strip of fabric came out like intestines! I totally gutted it! I was all over that slime-y stringy thing, gnawing and purring and sucking on it! (yes, I totally forgot Mom and I were playing fetch with it. Opps!)

But Mom spoiled the fun and cut it off. Since she's the general surgeon of all blue mice (or so she tells me), she says that that stringy thing was just a fabric scrap she tucked inside of the mousie to give it bulk, not intestine. And that it wasn't fit for goat consumption... Whatever! Like she knows!!! I'm just glad she gave me my potato treat reward for not gnawing like that on her.

Message to Mom: I will do ANYTHING for potato pieces!!! purrs...


Top 5 Most Embarrassing Fetch Playing Follies...

January 10th 2008 7:48 am
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I'd like to say that these don't happen too often. But that's kinda lying. But here;s my most embarrassing moments for your chuckling enjoyment!

5. When I have to go face first into the garbage can to get my Mousie because Mom's got no aim. This usually tosses q-tips and all sorts of rubbish all over the floor. Pick it up, human!

4. When a potato chunk I somehow missed the day before is in the line of fire, and I get all distracted. "Ooow! What have we here?! A tasty treat?!"

3. I run right past the litter box when fetching my mousie. And when someone's in there and I didn't see them go in (cause I'm in the ZONE!), I have to sneak up on them and make sure its not an alien from mars out to steal my blue mousie... Then I'm all "Oh, right. Yeah, I knew it was you, Moose!"

2. When I can't find the Mousie because in all my running and stopping enthusiasm to catch the dang mouse, I've managed to sit on it. That happens way too often.

1. When the humans fake me out!!! They make a throwing gesture with their hand, and off I go in the direction of an invisible, imaginary mousie! So embarrassing. Sometimes I just resort to pouting when they do that.


Operation Stop Clawing Us!

January 8th 2008 8:17 am
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Mom and Dad have been trying out this new incentive program called Operation Stop Clawing Us! I think it's goofy... But you see, the vet said I'm a wool sucking, pica, goat kitten because I'm needy. I need attention! Constant! A ton!!! So one of the "treatment" thingies is to give me a scheduled play time everyday... I guess I can't complain about that!

Everyday I get to play fetch with Mom while she drinks her coffee! This has been going on a couple months at least, (off and on since she's been absent-tie Mommy... growl) and while it doesn't seem to curb my appetite for odd things, it sure is fun to play fetch with Mom every day!! (As a side note, I got a pair of BLUE JEANS last night! Mom said she has NO idea where I found them. She didn't even know she still had them! ha ha! Sneaky ninja goat strikes again!)

So the new Operation Stop Clawing Us program works like this; at the end of fetch time, I'm usually pretty feisty about giving up Blue Mousie. He's a verboten contraband toy, so I can't have him to play with on my own. He's for supervised play only and hides in a drawer between play times. Fetch games usually end when I decide to gnaw on and eat him. So Mom says that if I give him up without drawing blood from her, me and my bros get a treat! If not, then well... Everybody lines up for a treat and then glares at Mom while she puts on a band aide.

I think it's great! Either way, we get to have fun. I like glaring!... But I do think Captain and Moose would prefer the treats. So far for the last week, I've scored four days of treats, three days of group glaring at Mom. This morning she got a claw to the palm of her thumb. What would you do if she was taking away your pride a joy, Blue Mousie?! I try not to, but I just get so mad at her! It's so hard not to claw the humans... pout pout.


Oh, Alright! Another Moose Diary Translation...

January 3rd 2008 6:29 am
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Mom says I should get off my tail and write you guys a quick translation of Moose's diary entry... Why is this always MY job?! Oh, well. Here it goes!

Yesterday Moose woke up before the rest of us and chewed up the fish tank air hose again. Mom was mad, and tried to fix it with electrical tape again, but this time it didn't work. (She actually said that there were just too many holes in it and there wasn't enough air pressure to run all three air stones... whatever that means.)

So she was changing out the old hoses for new ones when Moose, the dope, went over and tried to take away an old hose to play with. She got REAL mad at him then, cause he pretty much snitched on himself. And she chased him around with the feared and hated water bottle. Squirting at Moose all the way to the bed room!

I think what made her so mad was that Moose was playing with the one that she and Dad painted with hot sauce. Thereby demonstrating that their "brilliant" technique didn't deter Moose at all from chewing on those things!

After she changed out the hoses, she then taped all of the hoses to the back of the tank, so there's none sticking out where Moose can chew on them. Now, being a goat myself I can relate to Moose's frustration. It seems that when the humans realize that their determent techniques suck, they resort to removing the temptation from our path. For Moose, there's now very little chew-able access to the hoses. For me, they did stuff like getting a lidded laundry tub.

But don't worry Moose, we'll out smart those silly humans! After all, there's still about three inches of hose that runs from the air compressor to the tank... Sharpen those fangs, Moose!

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