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My Human is Such a Sucker

What was Mom Thinking?

February 19th 2009 9:23 pm
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The human slave has been saying for a long time she's having "job trouble", which makes no sense to me. While she is lax in feeding Maya and I at times, she is a perfectly acceptable slave and I have no plans of firing her so I cannot understand why she would think her job is in any kind of trouble. I think she might have been talking about a job other than caring for me and Maya since she insists she needs this thing called a paycheck in order to buy our food and litter for the litter box and toys. Whatever. As long as I don't go hungry and she knows never to move me when I'm comfortable, I don't care what she does on her own time.

Mom did get a job working at somewhere called Walmart in October but I guess they were not paying her enough to be able to buy us everything we rightly deserve. A friend of hers offered the human slave the spare room in her house in exchange for the slave paying her share of expenses and the slave agreed.

'I hope this won't interfere with my naps,' I thought as I lay half awake on the back of the futon. 'I hate it when my naps are interrupted.' Unfortunately, the human decided to do just that on November 30th. Maya and I were rudely disturbed from our comfortable napping spots and put in the slave's bedroom. Before we could react, the door was closed on us and for the next several hours we tried to hide away from the strange bumps and slams and strange smells from the two strangers she dared to bring into the apartment. Even more terrifying was when she and the strangers came into the slave's room and began removing things *while we were still in there*! Truly terrifying, I assure you. Finally, it was all over and Maya and I were shoved into a carrier and several hours later we were carried into a place that smelled really, really, really strange and put into a room with the slave that was a lot smaller than where we had been and it smelled weird, too.

The next day, the male strange person, the slave, and someone the strange male knew moved big stuff into the slave's room and we were really scared they would drop it on us and squish us and that it would hurt a lot. Thankfully, they did not drop anything on us and we hid under the bed to be safe (under the bed is always safe from anything, including really evil things like vacuum cleaners).

Things were pretty boring, having to stay in that small space for days and days and days. The slave would not let us leave the room because she did not want us meeting the cats who lived there yet. I didn't understand why she wanted to wait on me telling them who their new boss was, but she has thumbs and I do not so I was forced to comply with the slave's wishes. If there was not a good reason she was keeping us trapped, I was definitely going to poop in her shoes--repeatedly.

It did not take long after she finally allowed us to roam that I was confronted with the fact the natives, instead of welcoming me, did not take kindly to my presence and I have been forced in the two months since then to defend myself against their unwarranted hostilities toward myself. What is their problem with me sitting at the top of the stairs, blocking them from going up or down? All they need to do is tell me how great I am and I would let them pass without a problem but none of them will do this. Is it my fault I have no choice but to continue to block their way?

The worst are Aku and Dom, the males at the top of the local clowder. Aku is old and cranky and mean to pretty much everyone except Morgan and Ptera, so I guess he's just mean by nature (though he's nice enough to the slave and the two strange humans). Dom is younger and I have no choice but to give him a hard time because he picks on Maya for no reason and picking on her is MY job. She's such a wuss that she just runs whenever Dom comes near ner. I've tried to tell her to stand her ground because running only makes him want to chase you but she never listens. I give Ptera the cold shoulder because she's nice to Dom, which has gotten me scolded by the slave for not playing nice. Too bad. When Ptera comes to her senses, I'll be nice with her but until then I want nothing to do with her.

Mom's kinda upset with me because I'm apparently being so mean to the other cats and she says I was never like this before. Oh, I was like this before; I just haven't had a reason to act like this since I adopted her. She says I'm getting better. Whatever. I'm nicer to the foster kittens than Maya is, but I've been known to hiss at them now and again (another thing the slave doesn't like me to do).

The slave and her friend say I'm calmer and don't get in as much trouble when I'm downstairs so she tries to remember to bring me with her when she does downstairs.

It's time for me to bathe again and resume napping.


Foam. Foam is good.

July 22nd 2007 8:21 pm
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The human has this piece of what she calls foam she used to have on her bed, but she doesn't use it anymore and hasn't moved it from where she set it on the floor. When she set it there, it immediately became mine because--wait. Everything is already mine (but don't tell Maya. I let her think some of it is hers). So the human set the foam I was nice enough to let her borrow on my floor. I checked it out and decided there was no time like the present to put my foam to good use, so I made myself comfortable and took a nap. It's hard work being this handsome, you know? I'm hoping the human doesn't move my new bed any time soon.


My Weird Morning Adventure

June 19th 2007 11:10 pm
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I had a real scary, confusing morning. It all started when I decided to see what was in the window by the kitchen table Mommy had a big fan in and then I was falling out of the window which was real scary. I had no idea where I was so I started to try to find my way back home but I must have gotten lost because I kept looking and looking and I don't know how long I looked but then I heard Mommy calling me so I went to where I could see her and sat down on the grass. I was real tired and scared and if Mommy wanted me she could come to me so I waited for her and I was so scared by everything I hissed at her when she knelt down to pet me and I growled when she carried me home. I wasted no time running for somewhere safe to hide.

Maya hissed and puffed up real big when she saw me. I guess I smelled weird or something. Mommy brought me food and water and a little while later she brought me some ham. That was good. Mommy let me rest for a while and then let me out of the bedroom and Maya hissed at me again so Mommy took me back into her room and shut the door.

I heard her doing something in the bathroom and then she picked me up and took me in and I heard that scary shower thing spraying something and I wanted to get away but Mommy wouldn't let me and I realized she was going to torture me and give me a bath! I cried real pitiful and loud by Mommy was really mean and washed me and then wrapped me in a towel so I couldn't get away and I was really, really unhappy but she finally let me go.

I'm better now. I must not smell funny to Maya anymore because she doesn't hiss at me and puff up real big. Mommy was real upset she didn't close the window I fell out of, which doesn't have something she calls a 'screen', before she went to bed and that she knew something was wrong when she put food in my and Maya's bowls and I didn't come running because I'm such a pig I always come out when there's food and she says she was real scared and is real, real glad she found me so quickly after she started looking. Maybe I'll sneak outside again sometime and scare her and I'll get more ham and yummy stuff.


Today, I Slept Alot and Looked Handsome

March 26th 2007 7:40 pm
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What is it with humans, always wanting to stop sleeping and go do things? Very strange creatures. I don't bother myself with what humans do, as long as mine keeps feeding me, petting me, and remembering to clean where I poop. I don't know why she lets my sister, Maya, use the same sandbox I do. I'm really nice so I don't complain, as long as I can use it as often as I want. I try to let the human know I don't like sharing a sandbox by not covering up my stinky poop, but the human just pushes litter over it, grumbles about how all men are the same; always leaving the cover up, and I keep having to share my sandbox. I came here first! Maya should have brought her own.

The human says I am a "piggy boy". I am not a pig, I am a cat. I suspect she is not very smart. She always says I am a piggy boy when I try to eat any food in Maya's dish after she leaves the food area. The human always gets mad and looks like she wants to pull my legs off when she sees me so I run away and hide on top of her bed. Sometimes I won't go the first time she yells, or the second, or even the third. I'm in real trouble after that and she'll give my rump a smack. I think something must be hurting her when that happens because right after she's all like a scary monster and makes me run *under* the bed, she is all nice and wants to hug and pet me and call me her silly, piggy, handsome boy. The human is strange.

Right now, the human is asleep. It's about time she was doing somoething that makes sense. She doesn't realize that Maya and I use her strange machine and the board with clicky buttons and the box with pictures to contact other cats to talk about how else we can exploit our human slaves. Maya and I have tried to use our Kitty ESP on her to give us prime rib and shrimp and veal and a kitty condo all our own with satellite TV that plays Animal Planet 24/7, but the human is always grumbling about being broke and not having money, which we suspect is what she uses to remain immune to our Kitty ESP. I have heard her tell people before she was immune to Kitty ESP before I and Maya decided to let her spoil us, but I do not believe it. What cat would teach her the secrets of resisting Kitty ESP? How could she be immune to us, even if she did live with four cats growing up? We are too cute and fuzzy to resist!

Maya has begun Phase One of Operation: First Breakfast, so I must go. I suspect I will be needed for Phase Two, as Phase One rarely succeeds in bringing the human to put food in our bowls. I will, again, be forced to jump on top of her while she is on the bed and sit on her chest while Maya yells in her ear. Maya is part-Siamese, which the human sometimes says like it is a bad thing. How can it be? I love it! The human never used to get off the bed and feed me as fast when it was just me as she does now that Maya is with us and yells in her ear every morning. She also annoys the human regularly with her loud, piercing voice, and annoying the human is what she deserves for trying to pet me while I am sleeping.

Until next time, when I hope to have figured out how to open the box the food is in.

Samuel J. Clemens Pussycat

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