April 1st 2008 9:22 pm
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My meowmy sent me a letter today on a balloon. This is what it said:
My sweet little buddy, you'll never know how much I miss you sweet boy. I miss your sweet face, headbutting me every morning. I miss your horribly rough tongue, grooming me every time you caught me staying still. I miss your purr, that was loud enough to be heard from across the room. But, mostly, I miss YOU.
I can never fully forgive myself for what happened to you. My mind might be able to say that it was a combination of events, and that it couldn't have been expected, but my heart tells me that I let you down. So I can only hope that you are happy at the bridge, and that someday you might forgive me.
I will try to focus on our good times. On that first night you came to live with me, when you were so tiny (and to forget how you shredded me when I gave you your first bath that night!). On all the times that you raced to meet me at the door when I came home, then cuddled with me all night as I slept. On the times when we stayed in all weekend and just watched tv and read books, with you purring on my lap the entire weekend. And on how you showed that you loved me enough, that you even loved the little boy I brought home from the hospital, just because you could tell he was a part of me.
I wish that I could re-live that last night. That I could change just one decision, and somehow have it all turn out differently. That you could just walk right back through the door and weave around my legs and curl up on my lap, purring against my cheeks. I love you sweet little buddy, and I'll always remember you.
March 24th 2008 8:45 am
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Since some were wondering, I'll give the abbreviated version of what happened my last night before I left for the bridge.
First, the torrential rains started. Which had me all out of sorts. (ok, first what happened was that mommy got married a few years ago, which lead to daddy moving into our house, and I've never forgiven anyone for that awful event, even though I loved my daddy, it still ticked me off from time to time, and when I was cranky, it ticked me off even more).
Then the basement started to flood from the rain. And my fur-brother Nittany was trying to eat the stuff daddy put down there to help dry things out, which was toxic to us kitties. So we were banned from the basement for our own safety.
But I love the basement, so that made me angry.
Then the evil skin-brother, the horrid thing that stole my mommy's affection away from me last summer and never gave it back, started to cry since he was sleepy.
And that really made me angry. So I peed on the wall, then on mommy, and then on the 9-month-old skin-brother.
Well, um, that got me in trouble. Normally, when I got in trouble, I would get crated in the basement (which was what I wanted, but the flooding eliminated that option) or put out in the puppies room with them (which I normally enjoy, since even when their door is shut, they have access to some of the house and to the backyard). But, I only was willing to accept the basement that night. And, when I saw it was to be the puppies area, I attacked daddy. he bled all over the place. :( which got me put out with the puppies with a slammed door.
Well, I was in a really foul mood by then, so I decided to attack the puppies. Now, um, I should explain, the puppies are 47, 96, and 129 pounds. All of them are recovering now, but I really scratched them up pretty bad.
And, the "little" one bit me once. The entire fight lasted less than 3 minutes, but it was still a doozy of a fight. (I should admit here that I've lived with the puppies for 2 years and never before had a fight with any of them. normally I don't mind playing with them, and I normally really like spending time in their room. Mommy and daddy were wondering if it really counted as punishment to put me out with them!) After, I was bleeding a little and had a gash, so mommy and daddy called the vet. But, due to the rain, the roads were flooded and they couldn't get me to the vet or daddy to the hospital. The emergency vet thought I just needed some stitches and calmness - that there was nothing wrong internally. And said to keep me comfortable and take me to my vet as soon as possible in the morning.
But, apparently there was some internal damage, and I didn't make it til morning. What had mommy more upset than almost anything else was that I knew I was hurt bad, and I just wanted to cuddle up with her. But the vet said that that could hurt me more than anything else - that I needed to just sleep and let my body heal. So, rather than holding me until I passed away, she left me by myself mewing. And it still bothers her that she left me alone. I was upset that night, but I know now that she was trying to take care of me the best way she knew how - that she wasn't abandoning me. She was in the same room as me, and would pet my head, but she wasn't holding me, and it bothers her that she didn't.
August 7th 2007 4:46 am
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Sorry I haven't been around so much - I've been pretty busy helping mommy take care of my new brother. There's a picture of me helping him nap up now. I really like this little guy - but I get pretty vocal if mommy and daddy try to keep me away from him or if they let him get upset! Mommy says to just wait til he's big enough to play with me.