Catster

return to top

Sally Maria's Saga (aka "The Cranky Cat Diaries")

To my Sally Maria, on her first anniversary at the Bridge

Never have 365 days seemed to go by so slowly.

Has it really been that long? It feels like it’s been so much longer than just one year.

There are times when I feel like I’ve lost something good in my life and I can’t get it back. I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark with no way of knowing where the light is.

My head knows that you’re in a wonderful place, that you are healthy and stronger than you ever were here on earth. You can eat whatever you want, do whatever you want. There are no pills, no pill shooters, no special diets, no rides in the car. You are happy and scampering around like a little kitten (although you were more of a galloper than a scamperer). My head knows that you’re better where you are and that, one day, I will see you again.

I’d be lying if I said that my heart doesn’t ache terribly for you. It’s so hard even now to write this and to think of you. It doesn’t take much to make me cry for you still. I had no idea that it would be so painful and that it would hurt as much today as it did a year ago.

There is a part of me that would like to find another furry little friend to join our family. Trinity misses you a lot and we feel like she needs a companion. But the larger part of me can’t stand the thought of another kitty living in our house. If it wasn’t for the fact that we already had Trinity, we wouldn’t have a cat right now. I know it’s not fair to all those homeless babies out there who are in desperate need of a loving forever home, but they wouldn’t be YOU. It wouldn’t be fair to them or to me or to your memory for me to look for a cat or kitten right now. I’m sure that when I’m ready, you will guide me to the right one. For now, I have to be content with my memories of you and the love you left behind.

One thing I’ve come to realize is that I have to give you lots of credit, baby girl. Taking care of you made me a much better mama to Skyler than I ever thought I’d be. I have more patience with him, more joy in him, more love for him than I think I’d have if you hadn’t been such an important part of my life for 17 years. You blazed the trail for him and he and I are so grateful to you every single moment of every day. As we look for answers, there is extra steel in my spine, thanks to you. I feel like I can handle anything that comes his way. I know we both have a special little white and black angel watching over us.

Mama loves you baby girl and I miss you so much. We all do – Man, Emily, Trinity and Skyler too. All our love to you on your first Bridge Day.

Love Always,
Mama

10 Weeks

It has been 10 weeks since Sally Maria left for the Bridge. 10 weeks of not being able to hold my girl, of not being able to hear that wonderful purr of hers or her squeaky little meow. 10 weeks since I said good bye to my best friend.

I miss my little girl so much...

Thank you all for the sweet rosies and pmails for Sally's birthday. It was such a difficult day for me, coming less than a month after she left us. I know everyone here has suffered through the loss of a pet and your words of kindness and sympathy mean so much to me. If anything, I find it hurts more now than it did back then. The numbness has faded but the pain and the grief still remain.

I am so fortunate that her last moments with us were exactly how I'd hoped they'd be. My girl definitely knew how much we loved her and I think there was a sense of relief on her part, that she was glad that we were helping her to the Bridge so that she could finally be at peace. I have no regrets, no doubts, no guilt. At last Sally knows what it feels like to be healthy with no limitations or restrictions. I'm glad the pain is mine and not hers to bear.

But there is such an emptiness in my heart and such a void in my life. I am trying so hard to be happy for Skyler's sake, and for my husband and Trinity and Emily. They just want me to be happy again so I do what I can so they think I am. The tears still come every day but I save them for when I'm alone. I know my wounds are still fresh and that, in time, they will heal. But now they're just open, raw and angry.

I've decided that I'm going to wait to get another kitty. As much as I miss having one of my own, if I adopted one now, I would just be trying to find another Sally and that's not fair to me or to her memory. My life will always have cats in it, but right now I need some more time. One day I'll be ready to open my heart to a new furry friend, but not now.

Thank you again, all of you, for all your words of encouragement, love and support. They have gotten me through some pretty rough times, just as they did when Sally was here. Each and every one of you has a very special place in my heart and I am grateful to have you in my life.

Love & Hugs,
Sally Maria's mama Kristi

For The Birthday Girl...

Sally Maria’s mama here…

It’s been 26 days since my little girl became an angel.

Tomorrow would have been her 17th birthday. For the first time in 16 years, I won’t be singing “Happy Birthday” to her as soon as I get up. We won’t be going for a celebratory walk outside. I won’t be getting her chicken for dinner. It will be up to her new angel friends at the Bridge to help her celebrate.

It hurts so much to not have her here. While I am happy to know that I spared her any further pain and suffering, I had no idea that it would be this hard. I have cried every day since September 29th, which is the day my husband and I made the decision to help her to the Bridge. I am surprised that I haven’t felt any of the guilt that I always thought I would feel – “I should have done this…” or “I shouldn’t have done that…” – but I was in no way prepared for the crushing emptiness and loneliness I have felt since letting her go. The mornings are the hardest. Between my husband leaving for work and Skyler getting up, there is “girls time”. I spend 20-30 minutes every morning on the couch with a blanket either reading or playing on the computer and my girls snuggle with me. Sally was always there for “girls time”, even on the mornings she didn’t feel good she would move a little closer and purr her loud, rusty purr. I would do just about anything to be able to hear that sound again, to see her sweet face, to hold her little paw… I haven’t been able to put many of her things away. Her electric blanket is still in front of the fireplace, her pill bottles (now empty) still sit on the counter next to her pill shooter. Her comb still sits on the table with the fur from her last combing in it. I guess it’s a way of keeping her near.

Her little memorial area is coming along. I’ll post the pictures on her page but it’s still a work in progress. I’ve ordered a shadow box kit so I can keep safe the beautiful towel that Sky’s mommy embroidered for me. I have her last collar along with her lock of fur, paw print and the pretty picture collage that Jazzi Angel’s mommy had made for me. Sitting in the middle of it all is the beautiful little cedar box with my baby girl’s ashes inside. I’m not sure yet if this is what I want her to be in permanently, but it’s okay for right now. On the wall above everything is the paw print we made on her last night with us and a picture taken of her on her last day. I am in love with that picture. When I look at it, her expression says, “It’s okay mama. I’m at peace.” I made a copy of it for my desk at work and I happen to know that the other copy I made is sitting on Dr. Hansche’s desk so she can keep him company when he makes his calls and does his paperwork.

I have finally been able to read all of the pmails, rosies and comments that she received when she left for the Bridge. A simple “thank you” doesn’t cover how touched I am by all the love and support you all have shown us. I feel I have to hide my tears from my friends and family because they just don’t understand the depth of the loss that I feel, but I know my fellow Catsters do. That’s why we’re all here, because we share a common love and devotion to our furbabies. I have cried and ached along with others when it was their turn to let go. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, for being here for me and Sally, for reaching out and sharing both the good times and bad. You guys mean the world to me.

I can never thank you enough for the comments, pmails and rosies but words are all I have so THANK YOU to Riley-Wiley, Rufus, Misha Angel, Gracie, Murray, Jezebel, Milo, Murder, Skids Kitty, Sissy, Chef Rooster, Alfie, Calvin, Novi, Tyler (Boombastic Angel), Hazel Lucy, Tigger, the family of Big Harry, Patches and Zack, the family of Junior Fluffkins, Tethys Fluffkins, Jake and Samantha, the family of Alex the Angel, Ray, Busby and Toot Suite, the family of Angel Princess, Angel Smokey, Cassie and Sassy, the family of Adam Dylan and Eve Layla, the family of Kaci Sunshine, Miss Mittens, Abby, Jennifer and Pete, the family of Ko, Taz, Jacob and Flinders, the family of Murray, Willie, Pearl and Cindy Lou, the family of sweet Angel Alex, Lacey and Finney, the family of Scooter, Lola, SooLing, Ashlynne and Beepers, the family of Misha, Angel Marrakech, Samsara and Colette Sidonie-Samantha, the family of Timmy Tomcat, Toby Tomcat, Buddy Tomcat, Inky and Little Guy, the family of Alex, Annie Angelpants and Bugsy, the family of Snickers, Kitty, Baby and Sammy, the family of Miss Sable-Kitty, Max, Charley, Max & Diamond Lil, the family of Buddie, McKenna, Cash and Gibbs, the family of Ashley, Callie and Tony, the family of Blade, Tigga, Rufus and Pepsi, the family of Torbjorn, Onyx, Jasper, Severian and Victoria, the family of Dusty the DogCat, Rocket Sprocket and Shady, Baby-G and Little-One, the family of Moozer, Punkin, Spot, Sealegs and Bobcat, the family of Teebo, Callie and Rose, the family of Pinkie, Biggles, Nonny, Buddy and Fluffy, the family of Bella, Orange Ruffy, Smokie-boo and Natalie the NatCat, the family of Ava, Andy, Arli, Augie and Lilah, Timo Katze, Callie, Balty, Bobcat Fluffy Angel, Hooch, Peaches, Trouser, The Olde Furts, Scooter PAWS, Angel Amelia, Rascal, Freckles, Augie, Sky, Myrfyn, Cleo, Edwina, Da Tabbies O Trout Towne, Serena Honey Girl Angel, Alexander, Nala Sue Angel, Rebby, Gentleman Jack, Tink the Cat, Wyatt James, Sammie, Harley.

Thank you all for loving my little girl. She was one in a million, a little furry angel sent here to share her life and love with me. I am so grateful to have shared 16 ½ wonderful years with her. There will always be cats in my house, but there will never be another Sally Maria.

Hugs,
Sally Maria's mama Kristi