For the Truly Dedicated

Are you truly and deeply dedicated to making your humans' head spin? Well, I have the most effective way to make any human A) freak the heck out, and B) wonder for the rest of their lives. But this method is only for the brave and daring!

... don't say I didn't warn you...

The plan is simple... lose a body part.

What? I said it was for the deeply dedicated. If you want your humans to go absolutely crazy, pull a Van Gogh and pick a body part to lop off. I chose the tip of my tail. My humans have been crazy with curiosity for weeks.

Need proof? I'll add a picture.

How do I love the, Father-human?

Okay. I'm big. I'm long. I intimidate most all cats that I meet. Who would have ever guessed that I would need a bodyguard?

Here's the deal. Yesterday, two previously-unknown dogs wandered into my yard. I gave them my best, 'I'm-big-and-bad-get-outa-my-yard' glare. But apparently they had heard rumors that my (declawed) paws were no true terror to terriers. They advanced, and before I knew it, they were trying to double-team me to death! I was caught amidst a swirl of claws and teeth and pain; I knew that I stood no chance of escape ... or survival. Then, at the very moment when my doom seemed assured, Father human flew out the door, surging into the snow and sub-zero Nebraska temperatures in his bare-feet, wielding a massive broomstick! One mutt, seeing my obviously crazy (really, who goes out barefoot, in Nebraska, in January?) enforcer barreling our way, wisely tore off across the street. Father-human then entered the fray, his "Broom of Doom" slashing this way and that. Mutt Number Two caught it good from the hard and knobby end of Broomy, SMACK, right on top of the head! He went down with all four legs in all four directions of the wind! He promptly stumbled off, as quickly as possible, away from the Broom.

At this point, Father-human will tell anyone who will listen, that I retreated with all haste to a pile of trash, underwhich I cowered for sometime. As grateful as I am that he saved one of my nine lives, I'll have to call him out on this little tidbit. I did not retreat. I simply made a strategic advance to the rear. There's a difference. Big one. It was tactical. And I wasn't cowering. I was... er... strategizing. Yeah! Planning a counter offensive! Everyone knows I do my best strategizing amongst garbage. What? It's true!


Big Bobby

A Good Laptop is Hard to Find!

Man, you wouldn't believe how difficult it is to get a hold of a computer out here in the Great Outdoors. I've had to develop a new skill in order to write my diary: Cat-burglary! (Hehe... man I'm punny!) See, I sneak into my human friends' house and hack around on their computers until Catster pulls up. Granted, this sneaking is much easier since Marshmallow...
(Well, Marshmallow's not here anymore. She made the move to the Great Outdoors, but I kind of wish she'd done it in a different way. I saw my people bury her under the lilac tree. I'll miss competing with the feline. Who will I pick on now?)
Well anyway, my whole purpose for sneaking in here is to give my furriends an update on life. I gotta say, it's HOT. Now I'm not one to bash the Great Outdoors, but I wouldn't complain if someone would hurry up and figure out how to climate control the place!! Sometimes humans are so slow about providing us with obvious necessities. Oh well, gotta love ‘em.
Okay friends I - oops! I hear the Man waking up! Gotta high-tail it for the out of doors! I'll sneak in again if there are any big events in outdoor life!

Bob

I am the Great-Striped Hunter King!!

Ha! Finally, I have mastered every element of outdoor life! I have become a skilled hunter! (And to those who said I was too fat to ever sneak up on and catch anything, I have only this in reply: Nah-nah-nah-nah-boo-boo!) My first catch was a juicy little mole. But, being the sole of generosity, I bestowed this tasty tidbit on my human friends! I'm sure they are most appreciative. But as much as I like them, this little mouse I caught today is mine, all mine!!! It's so plump and mousey. I've gotta go chow down.

Bob, Hunter Extraordinaire

Brrrrr!

Dang it's cold out here! When's the "Great Outdoors" gonna start being great again? I almost wish I had a long winter coat like Lynx's.

Brrrs and Purrs,
Bob

What gives?

Hey, why is that stupid white "Marshmallow" getting more treats than me? I obviously need greater amounts of food than she does! And I see her gloating through the window, meowing about how she's the big-shot star of the "family."
Whatever, I bet she's just giving those treats to herself, to make me look bad. She's just jealous because I'm the KING of all outdoors, and all she has is a measly house.

Bob

Hello

Well, the young Girl-child is proving herself useful again. She is transcribing my diary for me. I, of course, don't have internet access in the GREAT OUTDOORS!!!!!
Nice of you all to take a look at me, but don't worry, at my size there's enough of me to go around. You can all be friends and Bob-admirers.
I'll be sure to write more later, but for now, I must get back to napping in the sun.

Yours,
Bob


PS Do you see that scary white thing listed as Family? NOW I bet you understood why I fled the house-prison!