April 26th 2009 8:51 am
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Tomorrow (4-27-09) it will be six months since I laid in my mommy's arms for the last time. She held me as tears gently fell onto her checks and we looked into each eyes one more time.
I know I lost my eye sight a few weeks before I left for the bridge; however, looking into someone's eyes, especially the eyes of love, is often as simple as looking into their soul...my whole family was with me when I left for the bridge.
Before I felt the rays of sunlight gently lift me away from my family, I purred to my mommy as to say, "thank you for loving me..." and "I will be okay...." as we looked into each other's eyes, I gently and ever so peacefully left for the bridge.
I must admit, it has been a difficult journey for us all. I never knew my earth brother, CK, would grieve so much....and that Sissy, would lose her smile....her famous Sissy smile, it was gone...
And my special daddy........he didn't really know what to do without me...he seemed lost. I remember when we first met, and I just wasn't sure I was going to let him into my big tortie heart....but I did...and he was the best daddy a girl could have. We went through so much together....the loss of my doggy angel sisters, his cancer, mommy's health issues, life changes....we were a great team. I learned to trust him so much towards the latter part of my life, I even let him give me my Sub-Q fluids daily. I know he still misses me and I, too, miss him. I often watch him from the bridge looking at my empty cat condo or my tranquilty blanket and I know he is thinking of me....neat thing is....he smiles a lot now when he is thinking of me....
My mommy....wow! She will always be my heart and I will always be her sunshine. Sometimes I feel others don't understand the incredible bond and love we share; however, I know our friends on Catster and Dogster do.......mommy and I were connected in a way she has not been connected to another. I was there for her right after her accident and loved her though it for almost 18 years...
Right after my granny caught me and brought me in the house....I stole their hearts. I remember it took a lot of getting used to... all the things inside the house, a human's touch....a totally different world than where I came from. You know, I was feral and then become the most social and trusting kitty ever. Amazing what love and patience can do!
Shortly after I was rescued, I slipped out the door. Granny had left mommy alone for the first time in 10 months and there she was inside the house watching me walk back into my world....it took every ounce of strength she had to use her walker and get to the front door. You see one of her legs didn't work and she had to drag it slowly behind her. She managed to open the glass door and screamed at me, "please don't go.......I can't get to you...please come back." I walked into the woods out of her sight.
I was sitting in the woods with the warmth of the sunlight on my face and it hit me....That lady in the house, needed me....I let go of my feral behavior and I walked back towards the house to find her still standing there at the door, crying. Our eyes met....yet I didn't come, I remained in the yard....I just watched her and she watched me....that is when we looked into each others' eyes first time and our souls connected.
I then saw her slowly move away from the door...I didn't realize she could no longer stand and as she sturggled to get to her wheelchair, I made my way to the front door. When she turned and saw me there, she smiled..."you came back to me. " She was so tired, so I waited by the door until she could make it back to let me in....she knew I wouldn't leave her again and I never did.....she, too, never left me.
Wow, there are so many memories of times we've shared....I will cherish them always, as my mommy will too. I am thankful I can sit under my favorite tree at the bridge with my angel freinds and watch over her daily and warm her heart with sunshine and love....I must admit, I worry about her some. I truly don't think she allowed herself to fully grieve my loss. Mommy is the strongest person I know and she has a way of just picking up and moving forward....however, her heart quietly aches for me...I feel it.
I am thankful when she laughs and smiles when thinking of me....everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time...I truly hope everyone who has lost someone they love gives themself permission to feel happy, sad, cry, laugh....for as long as you need. For there is no time line on grieving the loss of a piece of our heart. I want to share something someone wrote...
Sara Paddison, Hidden Power of the Heart:
"Some are able to release grief far more quickly than others. However long it takes, it is always the re-connection with the power of the heart that moves you past grief. When the heart is enlivened again, it feels like the sun coming out after a week of rainy days. There is hope in the heart that chases the clouds away. Hope is a higher heart frequency and as you begin to reconnect with your heart, hope is waiting to show you new possibilities and arrest the downward spiral of grief and loneliness. It becomes a matter of how soon you want the sun to shine. Listening to the still, small voice in your heart will make hope into a reality."
I want to thank all my wonderful Catster and Dogster friends. You have become such a huge part of our lives and family. Many of you walked part of this journey with me and it made it so much more special and meaningful. I also thank you for the support you give my family.....no words can ever express how you touch our hearts.
What I would ask of each of you is let tomorrow, my 6 month anniversary of leaving for the bridge, be a reminder of how special we all are...and how lucky we are to have each other. Take a moment tomorrow and share with those important furbabies and people in your life how much they mean to you and how much you love them....don't put it off.
Please let my passing remind you to celebrate life and love....because each day is truly a gift. Laugh, love, hope, dream.....expereince the here and now....and please smile when you look to the sun, for I am there...always and forever.
Once in your heart, I will forver remain...remember for even the sunshine warms your soul from behind the clouds and through the rain.
I am grateful for each of you....and to my family....feel the sunshine on your shoulders and smile....it will warm your heart.
For those of you who have offered to make me wings, thank you. I have wings, they are just shaped within the rays of sunshine and may be difficult to see....as my source of strength and love comes for the sun...it always has. I can fly high on the wings of the sun and be with you always.
Gentle sunshine hugs of love and appreciation,
Jazzi Sunshine Angel
P.S. There is a special book a friend gave mommy and she wants to share a little part of it with all of you...
The little book is Called Angel Cats, By Bonnie Althenhein
"Angel cats wear the brightest halos of all our feline friends. They always seem to know how you feel--nestled softely on your lap when you need a gentle hug, and never laughing at your baggy at-home sweats. Cats are non-judgmental, and love you just the weight you are. They share your good times and not so good times, your dish of ice cream, your love of re-runs and they always purr at your jokes.
So next time Fluffy or Bunky or Kitty-Poo plays catch with your designer glasses, or sweet little kitten rearranges all your socks, remember that kittens are a delightful way to start angel cats...and all cats are the angel's way of sending you love."
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Beautiful entry! Just beautiful.
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