Happy Birthday to Me!

Dear Friends:

Once a year I like to look back and reflect. Today is my birthday and I am 12 today. Mom calls me her geezer sometimes but I am just my spry young self. So what if I get cranky sometimes. So what if I hiss and Shea and Griffin. That's not old age, I just don't like Shea and sometimes Griffin has to be put in his place! I've had a good year. Lots of treats and catnip. I still haven't gotten rid of Shea but I continue to try. One day I will succeed. I successfully defended Macaroni during his bacon fiasco and discovered the joys of bacon myself. In fact, mom is going to make bacon for me today. I may share with the others, I may not, MOL. I'm sure I'll get catnip which will make the bacon all the better. Don't know why but I get the munchies after catnip...

I looked earlier and there are 600 other cats who share my birthday. Wow. That's a lot of kitties who are lucky enough to be born on this date. Well folks, I'm going to stroll around a little, hit Shea a couple of times, hiss at Griffin and wait for mom to get home so I can have BACON. Today will be a good day:)

Macaroni's Defense

Well since I have not yet managed to rid the world of Shea (although telling him that evil monsters would come through the open windows was a cunning touch) I have decided to come out of retirement and defend Macaroni. A long time ago, ten years this fall even, I went to law school with my mom and don't tell anyone, I did her home work for her. Criminal law was my specialty...and immigration law too. I am confident that Macaroni will be found NOT GUILTY.

Macaroni you see was hit with a moment of temporary insanity and jumped on the stove to test a little bit of bacon grease. Now friends, I think you would agree with me that the scent of bacon grease is enough to make any cat temporarily lose sight of all of the lessons he has learned. In fact, you might even go as far as to say that Mac's mom presented him with an unreasonable temptation! Who among us would not be overcome at the delectible scent of fresh bacon grease, especially when you have been TEASED to the very brink of insanity with the smells of bacon permeating the house and then given just an ever so slight amount to whet your appetite? Who could convict such a cat? No one I tell you! No one!

In preparation for trial, we need witnesses. Macaroni has already asked for a character witness and that is BRILLIANT. Also anyone who may have witnessed Macaroni in the throws of "zoomies", please step forward. That is just further evidence of his predisposition to temporary insanity. Oh, and I think we may need a good psychiatrist to testify that Macaroni was insane and incapable of formulating the proper intent or knowledge of the ramifications of his actions at the time of the incident. Also healpful would be any anecdotal testimony of other cats who have been overcome with a similar form of temporary insanity. It may be genetic.

Trials are expenses, however, so we are considering the alternative of settlement. A plea bargain if you will. In return for a little bacon grease and bacon every once in a while, Macaroni would consider agreeing to not get on the stove again. He would also be sentenced to 140 days and nights of community service for his unintentional actions, brought on by insanity -- snuggling with his Mom.

New Plan

Dear Friends:

I have developed a new plan to eliminate Shea. I must be nice to him. He's not very bright so it confuses him. This weekend, I sniffed him on several occasions and even let him sniff me a little. On one occasion, mom had given us small pieces of chicken. Shea was so happy I was nice to him he gave me his piece of chicken too. MOL, he's so easy! I must think on this because I am sure this tactic can benefit me in the future. Do not despair dear friends, my gentility is merely an act. I am ever alert, watching and waiting for the next opportunity to do away with Shea.

Busted!

Dear Friends:

Yesterday disaster struck. Mom discovered my super secret hiding place. The one that not even Shea or Griffin knows about. She had called for me, and opened her closet door and the garage door, but I was just chilli' out chuckling at her when she lifted up the bedskirt and saw me! I admit it friends, I growled at her. I did NOT want to be disturbed. She told me she wasn't going to move me and just wanted to make sure I wasn't locked in the garage or closet. I think I hurt her feelings, so I slept with her most of the night. I even carefully crept back into my bed right before her alram clock went off so she wouldn't even know I had been out of it! So now, not only must I put my mental acumen towards eliminating Shea, I must find another super-secret hiding place!

A year!

Dear friends:

I can't believe it. I have failed. A year, a whole YEAR, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes have passed with SHEA being in the house! How could I let this happen??? I have pondered and pondered and racked my brain and I don't know how one cat could be so lucky! The iron failed, electrocution failed, pushing him outside failed! Shea is the Rasputin of cats, folks!

And yesterday, the indignity of it all, we had a PARTY to CELEBRATE Shea's anniversary? Celebrate my failure more likely! Of course I had to play along and partake of the fine catnip and soft food but then, to my horror, Shea announces that he likes the beef food..JUST LIKE ME!!!! Copycat! He's rubbing my failure right in my face! And Mom's just laughed and said we were two peas in a pod! I THINK NOT.

I contemplated punishing Mom for rubbing my utter failure in my face but decided that less is more. Besides, I really like the new bed she got me...

Ha! Mom loves me best!

Dear Friends:

It's no great secret that Mom loves me best. Griff and Shea say no, but I KNOW Mom loves me best. I've been with her the longest, through thick and thin (not so much thin though...mol...her diet seems to be working though!). I even told her when I found out that the rat was cheating on her (took her a little bit longer to understand what I was saying but I got sick right around that time). So anyway, back to my point that she loves me best...Two nights ago she came home with a present...just for me. A kitty bed in blue plaid that she placed at the head of the bed (just to the left of her pillows) where my pillow used to be. I wasn't really sure that I wanted my pillow to be replaced so I made Griffin get in it when Mom went to sleep...MOL. Mom thought it was me in it when she woke up in the middle of the night and decided to rub some kitty belly...now friends, I am smart enough to know that it feels good and I allow it but Griffin is not as smart me so he thinks she is playing when she rubs his belly. A few hind leg kicks and Mom knew it wasn't me in the bed. It made her sad though that I didn't fully appreciate her gift (I was back on my pillow which has now moved to the window seat) so last night I decided to sleep in the bed all night long. It seems to be pretty comfy so I guess I will keep it!

Alas!

Alas Dear Friends:

THere is not much to report this week. I've had no opportunities to eliminate Shea and I need to make sure it looks like an accident so that I don't get caught. So to throw mom off the scent, I even tolerated Shea sitting on the other side of the love seat...within three feet of me I might add! Mom's been very busy lately. Her boss had a BABY (blech) and so Mommy has to take care of all of her work too. So Mom has worked late every day and gone in early every day and she said she had to drive 140 miles two days in a row to two different places! Hope Mom's boss comes back soon!

Electrocution doesn't work

Dear Friends:

I tolerated Shea as long as I could but I reached the breaking point again Friday. On Thursday night I heard Mom and Aunt Leah talking about how Mom had accidentally left her straightening iron on ALL DAY LONG. Imagine my glee...the straightening iron has the same tag that the blow dryer does and it's in the bathroom...the ELECTROCUTION of Shea was imminent. I recruited Ariel again (surely she couldn't mess this one up!) and the plan was to get Shea into the bath tub and push the iron in. Ariel was to coax him in and I would push the iron in. We were all set for 9:30 am but when I went to find Ariel to put the plan in motion, she was nowhere to be seen. I called for her and discovered, to my DISMAY, that she had managed to get herself locked in Mom's closet...we ALL know that Mom shuts her closet door all the time (something about cat hair and suits not mixing if you can imagine that). I tried to get Ariel out but it was no use. I would have to cary on alone. Shea of course was in my room (yes, friends, it is MY and Mom's room and I only share because I have to) trying to figure out where Ariel was. So I told him to go look in the bathtub and he DID...I raced into the bathroom after him, jumped up on the sink counter and pushed the iron as hard as I could...onto the floor...it didn't even get close to the tub!!!! ARG! I was so frustrated that I tried to end it all the next day by eating some of the carpet I scratched up but that just made me throw up. I did get extra special cuddles and attention from Mom but Shea is still here! Must think...

Insufferable!

Dude...this is in-suff-er-able. Shea was the cat diary of the day yesterday. [sigh] We did get kitty smack today in celebration. Dude, he's gonna get too big for his britches. I'll have to smack him around a little bit. Right after this nap...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I may have to rethink my plan

Mommy cried last night. Ariel got out and was gone all day and most of the night until mommy and aunt Leah found her trapped under the deck. Mommy told me about how she had to go to the Humane Society and look for Ariel and how sad it was there. There were so many lost cats there and the people said that most of them don't get reclaimed and she said she wanted to bring them all home...YIKES more cats!!! But then she said she knew she couldn't...yet. We're still getting used to Shea. Ugh, Shea. So I know now that if I get rid of Shea or Griffin Mommy and Aunt Leah will cry like they did when they couldn't find Ariel AND more cats will eventually come AND they may eventually come anyway. So I will just have to pretend to not like Shea and not be used to him...not that that is any stretch mind you. But maybe if any of you have any more room you could go adopt another kitty? And even if you can't adopt another, you can get the ones you have "fixed" so that other kitties won't have to go to the Rainbow Bridge too soon?