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Kiki's Plot for his Purrfect World

Happy Birthday to Me!

Dear Friends:

Once a year I like to look back and reflect. Today is my birthday and I am 12 today. Mom calls me her geezer sometimes but I am just my spry young self. So what if I get cranky sometimes. So what if I hiss and Shea and Griffin. That's not old age, I just don't like Shea and sometimes Griffin has to be put in his place! I've had a good year. Lots of treats and catnip. I still haven't gotten rid of Shea but I continue to try. One day I will succeed. I successfully defended Macaroni during his bacon fiasco and discovered the joys of bacon myself. In fact, mom is going to make bacon for me today. I may share with the others, I may not, MOL. I'm sure I'll get catnip which will make the bacon all the better. Don't know why but I get the munchies after catnip...

I looked earlier and there are 600 other cats who share my birthday. Wow. That's a lot of kitties who are lucky enough to be born on this date. Well folks, I'm going to stroll around a little, hit Shea a couple of times, hiss at Griffin and wait for mom to get home so I can have BACON. Today will be a good day:)

Macaroni's Defense

Well since I have not yet managed to rid the world of Shea (although telling him that evil monsters would come through the open windows was a cunning touch) I have decided to come out of retirement and defend Macaroni. A long time ago, ten years this fall even, I went to law school with my mom and don't tell anyone, I did her home work for her. Criminal law was my specialty...and immigration law too. I am confident that Macaroni will be found NOT GUILTY.

Macaroni you see was hit with a moment of temporary insanity and jumped on the stove to test a little bit of bacon grease. Now friends, I think you would agree with me that the scent of bacon grease is enough to make any cat temporarily lose sight of all of the lessons he has learned. In fact, you might even go as far as to say that Mac's mom presented him with an unreasonable temptation! Who among us would not be overcome at the delectible scent of fresh bacon grease, especially when you have been TEASED to the very brink of insanity with the smells of bacon permeating the house and then given just an ever so slight amount to whet your appetite? Who could convict such a cat? No one I tell you! No one!

In preparation for trial, we need witnesses. Macaroni has already asked for a character witness and that is BRILLIANT. Also anyone who may have witnessed Macaroni in the throws of "zoomies", please step forward. That is just further evidence of his predisposition to temporary insanity. Oh, and I think we may need a good psychiatrist to testify that Macaroni was insane and incapable of formulating the proper intent or knowledge of the ramifications of his actions at the time of the incident. Also healpful would be any anecdotal testimony of other cats who have been overcome with a similar form of temporary insanity. It may be genetic.

Trials are expenses, however, so we are considering the alternative of settlement. A plea bargain if you will. In return for a little bacon grease and bacon every once in a while, Macaroni would consider agreeing to not get on the stove again. He would also be sentenced to 140 days and nights of community service for his unintentional actions, brought on by insanity -- snuggling with his Mom.

New Plan

Dear Friends:

I have developed a new plan to eliminate Shea. I must be nice to him. He's not very bright so it confuses him. This weekend, I sniffed him on several occasions and even let him sniff me a little. On one occasion, mom had given us small pieces of chicken. Shea was so happy I was nice to him he gave me his piece of chicken too. MOL, he's so easy! I must think on this because I am sure this tactic can benefit me in the future. Do not despair dear friends, my gentility is merely an act. I am ever alert, watching and waiting for the next opportunity to do away with Shea.