November 6th 2007 12:43 am
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I love you so much Girl. Even in your discomfort, you will offer me a weak "meow". As I watch you lying down, under the table, I wish nothing more than for the angels to take you away while you sleep tonight.
You have not eaten in days, you've lost so much weight, and can hardly walk. I gaze at you through my red puffy eyes, and I see such a strong fighter, whose chest is heaving up and down. Although you no longer have the ability to purr, I can feel your deep love for me in your fixed eyes.
Mom and Dad have determined that your three precious ribs were broken due to the fluid in your lungs, and around your gentle heart. As a family, we have also made the decision to not let them drain the fluid, as it will only return in a matter of days. You have also lost control of your bodily functions, and no animal deserves to live that way. We would never allow you to intentionally suffer, for own on selfish need to keep you here longer. Besides, it is only your body that will not be loafing about our home.
Your now weakened bodily vessel that houses your soul, will be so terribly missed. The pain of the realization that I will not have the luxury of seeing your beautiful face everyday has left me grief stricken. However, I am certain that nothing will pain me more than when we have to say good-bye tomorrow.
Good-bye...You know only too well how I feel about that phrase. My sweet Smudge, you have protected me from "good-byes" for the past seventeen years. Who will help me now? You have dried my tears with your fur, and always been there to make the hurt dissipate.
Even last night, as ill as you are, you made the journey downstairs to be with me in my room. Like so many nights, you sat on the sofa while I watched The Simpsons and all of our Sunday cartoons. I was able to feed you three pieces of cheese, and I thought it was the miracle breakthrough we were all hoping for. I think you only ate to make me feel better. Everyone on Catster has been so kind, offering serving suggestions, but we know it is too late. You simply do not have the energy to eat.
As I type these thoughts in my head, I turn around to find your loving eyes glancing at me. I continually stop to kiss you and tell you that "I love you". Then, you place your now little head down on your cold paws. Since this evening, your soft paw pads have been so cold. Mom tried to cover you with a very cheap and light towel, but even that was too heavy for your heaving body.
Smudge, I love your paw pads so much. They have the most unique mix of pink and black colours, and amazingly, our little Tux has a similar pattern. I love your raccoon ringed tail. Your pink and black speckled nose. Your faint orange Tabby 'M'. The two-toned goden brown and black left side of your face. I could go on for days, detailing ever last piece of fur. Even the hairs on my clothes. I purposely wore back today!
Days. Who knew that we would only have that amount of time to prepare ourselves for the worst day of my life? I have been told to concentrate on the fact that we have been given seventeen wonderful years together. I must remind myself of that fact, especially since so many animals do not reach that age, and with the quality of life we have been blessed with. But I still want to remind others that you are my life, my heart, and my soul. Aside from my two parents, I have never been so close to another living being.
Today was dreadful. I had to give a short presentation at my University, and when I approached the front of the class, I could not speak. I stood there with my clipboard in hand and just cried. I bubbled out something about you not being well, and told the stunned audience that my heart was breaking. I then excused myself for a few minutes.
If this is how I function now, how will I ever cope without you, Squid? I am so afraid of tomorrow. I am afraid that you will feel pain in your final moments, and cry out as our Brother did, a mere nine months ago. I wish that I had just an ounce of strength, you little warrior cat.
I cannot get over how rapidly your health has declined, from even just this morning. You were hoping up onto the coffee table in my room! That was definately worthy of the picture I took.
Your loyalty knows no bounds. I am so happy that you spent last night in my room. It reminds me of when you had your dentistry work done, and I spent the night on the floor next to you, in a sleeping bag. I also wrote you a lengthily 'Get Well Soon' card.
Oh how I will miss seeing your Christmas stocking up on the mantel this year. Now all we will have is an urn containing your ashes. The thought of that makes me want to throw up. It is the little things that make up life, but your brave heart and love have made up something that stretches far beyond this short and fragile life.
Every night I have been placing Holy water on your forehead. I did this anytime you were not feeling well during the course of your life. I really pray that it works, and does whatever it is supposed to do. I want Jesus to know who you are, and for Him to hold you in His arms, until the day that I hold you in heaven and never have to let go.
I love you more than words or tears can express, our affectionate, tender, devoted, loving Smudge.
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