You're the One For Me, Catty

My human's up to her tricks again

I celebrated my 5th birthday a couple of days ago. My human didn't give me anything special to eat. She's been feeding me this dry crap because she still thinks I need to lose weight. I don't see why it's a big deal. I can still leap up four feet on to the back rest of my human's chair. She uses me as a head rest when I sit there, but then I start poking her with one of my claws and she gets fussy. I am not a human head rest. My human sometimes says to me, "I am not a cat bed," but I don't know what she's talking about when she says that.

On my birthday, my human took my torture cage out of the closet and placed it on the floor with the door open. She'll take it out sometimes to freak me out. Other times she'll take it out and then leave it around for a few days. Then, when she thinks I don't know what she's up to, she grabs me and traps me in the cage. I put up a good fight, though. If she's not careful and leaves the bedroom door open, I run underneath the bed. Try to get me out from there! Ha!

On the rare occasion that I do get trapped in the torture cage, she walks me next door to a place that smells of ruffled cats and dogs. The moment I smell it, I can't help but meow and gag. The human she takes me to see is called a "DVM," whatever that is. I call him Dr. Evil. He does things like stick cotton swabs in my ears and brushes my teeth. I was there only a month ago, when he cut my nails because my human can't get me to cooperate. I think it's cheating for humans to gang up on cats to cut their nails or give them medicine. It should be one on one. Mano a gato.

She can't be taking me there again, or could she?