You're the One For Me, Catty

I can't believe she's doing this to me

After being fed a can of Fancy Feast and lots of cooing from my human, she locked me up in a kennel and took me on a joyride. She took me to this place that looked like a human's house, but I knew better. It was a cat prison! She left me there for seven days. Granted, I didn't have to stay in a cage, but I was still locked in a room no bigger than my human's walk-in closet. While I was there, I wasn't allowed to eat all the food my human usually feeds me.

Now, I'm back home, but my human has been feeding me small portions of dry crap. She thinks I need to lose weight. She didn't seem to think that I needed to watch my weight before, when she was feeding me whenever I meowed at her or tripped her over while walking to the kitchen. I haven't had a can of Fancy Feast in ages!

I've been trying new things on my human. There's the old habits I have, like scratching the carpet and putting my paws over her eyes, but now I really know how to get her out of bed. Last night I jumped and landed on her chest, and she bolted up fast! She took awhile to get up, gasping for air. Is she trying to make some point about my weight? Then, she finally went to my food bowl. There was still food left in there from midnight, because she's trying to change my feeding time to midnight, but I don't want to eat then. She picked up my bowl, did something to it, then put it back down. She thinks she can fool me. I know she didn't put more food in it. I circled around her legs and tried to resist, but then I gave up and just ate the dry crap.

I'm just a cat, after all.