December 22nd 2007 8:01 pm
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1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2 Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out p resent and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Vow to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the thing for you.
December 30th 2006 7:00 pm
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After much consideration I have decided that although I AM PERFECT in every way, I should make a few resolutions. Here goes....
1. I will not “Meow-meow-maur” at the foot of the bed before the sun comes up.
2. I will not chew on my Person’s hair if “Meow-meow-maur” (see above) does not work.
3. I will not have hairballs in high traffic areas.
4. I will not pee on the sofa everytime I see “The Bad Cat” outside.
5. When my People have company over, I will not stroll into the center of the room and proceed to clean my butt.
December 17th 2006 5:30 pm
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The Cat's Christmas
Marylaine Block
The leaves have fallen from the trees.
They blew away and died.
I guess that's why my human pets
have brought a tree inside.
And then they hung up colored balls
and lovely things that dangle
and colored lights that gleam and glow
and silvery things that spangle.
Such lovely toys for cats to play with,
the stockings! and the wreath!
And boxes wrapped in crinkly paper
piled up underneath.
The paper's just for cats to tear,
ribbons for us to chase.
And the boxes, once they're emptied, make
a snuggly resting place
I think it's sweet each year they give
our furry kind our due,
and deck the halls with kitty toys.
(I hope they have fun, too.)
I hope that as the year goes by,
they too can have such pleasure:
a hearth, a skritch, a skittering squirrel,
warm laps and love to treasure.
And so do I ( the "human pet,"
the voice you thought you'd hear)
wish you the warmth of Christmas
and a wonder-filled new year.
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