March 29th 2009 5:11 pm
[ Leave A Comment | 1 person already has ]
I write this diary entry & probably will not write another for a long time, maybe months or even a year. I want to let others know who've been so kind & written me why I never answered. I'm sorry. I just couldn't. It was like ripping open a gaping wound that just started to crust over. All the pain & emptiness would come flooding back. I couldn't. I became very depressed last year & still struggle with it. I hope this summer, I may feel more normal. I'm not sure. Nothing can replace Morgana & there will always be a hole that will never close. I'm sorry to not write & I still can't. So here, in this diary entry, is what my heart feels for my baby.
It's been over a year ago that I lost part of my life & soul. I thought by now, I'd feel better & I guess in a way I do. But the pain is still strong & the sense of loss remains fresh. I still see her sweet little face, eyes closed, wrapped in a blanket just before I buried her. I still remember kissing that tiny nose & forehead, covering it in tears just before I laid her to rest. The snow was falling around me, mixing with the tears streaming down my face.
I so desperately wish I could go back in time when she first started to show those vague "barely there" symptoms. To catch it in time so hopefully, she could be operated on before the cancer invaded her liver & did the irreparable damage it caused. Even my vet couldn't see what the almost normal lab tests showed but I knew something was wrong. There was just nothing to point to.
I love that little girl with all my heart. No one, animal or person, has ever had such a profound effect on me with their loss. I've lost my father (loved but wasn't close to him), one brother & the only grandma I knew. But their loss meant nothing as Morgana's did. She honestly was a part of me - part of my heart, mind & soul. When she died, so did part of me. And it's still not back. I would do almost anything to have her back.
I miss the funny little routines we had. Every night at bedtime, she'd put on a burst of silliness - racing through the house, leaping off furniture, leaping onto the windowsill in my bedroom only to bound off again & race out around & around. Only before bedtime & it didn't matter what time bed was. It was her way of winding down. Then, she come up to play on the bed for a few minutes, whirling about as she chased her tail, spit & leaped at moving blankets & did her silly antics that made me laugh. Only then would she settle down to cuddle & sleep with me.
She loved to go "bad bug" hunting in summer with me before bed too. There'd always be a few stray mosquitoes that made it inside during the day & they had to be caught before bed else they'd find me while I slept. We'd go from room to room, me with a rolled up tea towel to whack them sitting on the wall & Morgana to happily gobble the fallen mosquito - though for the life of me, I can't see what there was to eat OR enjoy! She'd scan the walls with me, helping me find the mosquitoes. She was very good at it too!
I loved the way she'd sit on the windowsills, looking out the windows for dogs walking by. She was fearless. She'd growl when she'd see any dog. She instinctively hated them. And like any kitty, she loved to watch squirrels, birds & moths outside, chattering excitedly, wanting to get them.
Never have I met or seen a cat like Morgana that loved to make eye contact. She'd gaze adoringly into my eyes for the longest time. If I was sitting reading or on the computer, she'd put a paw on my lap & when I turned to her, lean forward & do that intense gaze with a tiny added chirp of a meow. Who could resist that? What else could be so important that I would put her off. She loved me to scoop her up in my arms then & cuddle & snuggle. She'd rub her cheek against my chin & cheek over & over, like she could never get enough love. She was no lap kitty - she wanted to be held up close by my face & against my chest. She's purr so hard that she made the funniest, sweetest little trilling sounds with her purrs. I've never heart that before or since.
When I put on music to dance because I felt good, she wanted to dance with me too. She'd stand on her hind legs & raise her front paws like a little child wanting to be picked up. Up in my arms, we'd dance about the place, all the while purring her joy in my ear. Her understand of what I said was amazing too. Not just words but entire sentences. I had one other cat many years ago who understood that well too. He was one of the smartest Einstein cats ever & his love was as great as Morgana's but with him, he bonded with the entire family. It was like he was a brother with my sons. Morgana, on the other hand, picked me to bond with & only me. It made me feel special.
Leave A Comment | 1 person already has
I feel your mommy's pain. Please tell your mommy the truth. Tell her that you will come back. We do, you know.
My little sis Midnight came back to us and mommy's pain was lessened and gone in time. But you need to let her know about what we can do.
We cats are like that. We always will come back to give our humans another gift of love and get same in return. Because love is forever.
We may not choose same looks, but our humans will know who we are instantly. We don't just have 9 lives. We live forever.
With my best sympathies to your mom.
((( hugs and kisses)))
PS: Thanks to your mommy for posting about onions & garlic. This knowledge will save many lives.