March 31st 2009 10:57 am
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Mommy wanted me to add this brief extra to my diary since I was picked as Diary of the Day. Mommy thinks it very sweet & kind but it doesn't alleviate the pain she feels at me being gone. She's hoping that anyone who comes to check out my page & diary will read this & warn all other fur parents.
But this is a HUGE warning to be taken VERY seriously by all who love their kitties dearly. Please - don't ever EVER feed us any human foods (no matter how yummy it is to us) that has onions in it. Not even a tiny bit of onion powder in the food!!!!
Why? Doesn't it make the food taste better & maybe help those ill kitties to eat something?
Because onions contain a plant compound that is very dangerous for us! It's called n-propyl disulphide (it's what makes onions smell like they do) & it absolutely destroys the hemoglobin in our red blood cells. Kitties who get eat food with trace amounts of onions may not seem ill. That's because a bit here & there, while destroying our red blood cells, may not have killed so many that we die. But it makes us feel off & makes us tired since it causes anemia.
But if a kitty eats a larger amount of food with more onions in it at one sitting, it may be destroy enough red blood cells to make the kitty so anemic, it can't recover & dies. Sick kitties who've been regularly fed pureed baby food meat with traces of onion powder in it have died instead of recovering. Their sad parents may have no idea that it was the onions that killed their baby. They were only trying to help them eat & recover. :-(
Apparently, garlic also contains this compound but seems to take longer to effect the kitties or maybe isn't as strong. Really, garlic is not a good thing to add to a kitty's diet either, DESPITE too many cat food companies adding it to foods (with the hypocritical hype that it's good for kitties).
More can be read here about the dangers of onions & garlic:
There's lots more about this if you wish to do a search on Google. Mommy made sure that her babies never got anything even slightly toxic to us. She loves us too much to take chances!
Please, I know you love your babies too so NO MORE HUMAN FOOD with those dangerous onions in them !!!
March 29th 2009 5:11 pm
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I write this diary entry & probably will not write another for a long time, maybe months or even a year. I want to let others know who've been so kind & written me why I never answered. I'm sorry. I just couldn't. It was like ripping open a gaping wound that just started to crust over. All the pain & emptiness would come flooding back. I couldn't. I became very depressed last year & still struggle with it. I hope this summer, I may feel more normal. I'm not sure. Nothing can replace Morgana & there will always be a hole that will never close. I'm sorry to not write & I still can't. So here, in this diary entry, is what my heart feels for my baby.
It's been over a year ago that I lost part of my life & soul. I thought by now, I'd feel better & I guess in a way I do. But the pain is still strong & the sense of loss remains fresh. I still see her sweet little face, eyes closed, wrapped in a blanket just before I buried her. I still remember kissing that tiny nose & forehead, covering it in tears just before I laid her to rest. The snow was falling around me, mixing with the tears streaming down my face.
I so desperately wish I could go back in time when she first started to show those vague "barely there" symptoms. To catch it in time so hopefully, she could be operated on before the cancer invaded her liver & did the irreparable damage it caused. Even my vet couldn't see what the almost normal lab tests showed but I knew something was wrong. There was just nothing to point to.
I love that little girl with all my heart. No one, animal or person, has ever had such a profound effect on me with their loss. I've lost my father (loved but wasn't close to him), one brother & the only grandma I knew. But their loss meant nothing as Morgana's did. She honestly was a part of me - part of my heart, mind & soul. When she died, so did part of me. And it's still not back. I would do almost anything to have her back.
I miss the funny little routines we had. Every night at bedtime, she'd put on a burst of silliness - racing through the house, leaping off furniture, leaping onto the windowsill in my bedroom only to bound off again & race out around & around. Only before bedtime & it didn't matter what time bed was. It was her way of winding down. Then, she come up to play on the bed for a few minutes, whirling about as she chased her tail, spit & leaped at moving blankets & did her silly antics that made me laugh. Only then would she settle down to cuddle & sleep with me.
She loved to go "bad bug" hunting in summer with me before bed too. There'd always be a few stray mosquitoes that made it inside during the day & they had to be caught before bed else they'd find me while I slept. We'd go from room to room, me with a rolled up tea towel to whack them sitting on the wall & Morgana to happily gobble the fallen mosquito - though for the life of me, I can't see what there was to eat OR enjoy! She'd scan the walls with me, helping me find the mosquitoes. She was very good at it too!
I loved the way she'd sit on the windowsills, looking out the windows for dogs walking by. She was fearless. She'd growl when she'd see any dog. She instinctively hated them. And like any kitty, she loved to watch squirrels, birds & moths outside, chattering excitedly, wanting to get them.
Never have I met or seen a cat like Morgana that loved to make eye contact. She'd gaze adoringly into my eyes for the longest time. If I was sitting reading or on the computer, she'd put a paw on my lap & when I turned to her, lean forward & do that intense gaze with a tiny added chirp of a meow. Who could resist that? What else could be so important that I would put her off. She loved me to scoop her up in my arms then & cuddle & snuggle. She'd rub her cheek against my chin & cheek over & over, like she could never get enough love. She was no lap kitty - she wanted to be held up close by my face & against my chest. She's purr so hard that she made the funniest, sweetest little trilling sounds with her purrs. I've never heart that before or since.
When I put on music to dance because I felt good, she wanted to dance with me too. She'd stand on her hind legs & raise her front paws like a little child wanting to be picked up. Up in my arms, we'd dance about the place, all the while purring her joy in my ear. Her understand of what I said was amazing too. Not just words but entire sentences. I had one other cat many years ago who understood that well too. He was one of the smartest Einstein cats ever & his love was as great as Morgana's but with him, he bonded with the entire family. It was like he was a brother with my sons. Morgana, on the other hand, picked me to bond with & only me. It made me feel special.
April 7th 2008 4:38 pm
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It's been a while since I've added anything to Morgana's diary. It's been hard to write since thinking of her would only bring on the tears again. I knew that it's not just me grieving her loss but the winter depression I get. Spring in here now, not all that sunny but much better & I feel better too.
But it doesn't mean I don't miss her so much still. I'm going to find her loss hard for a long, long time I think. We had so many happy times together that when a certain situation comes up (frequently too) that we shared together, it aches inside. I'll never be able to see a mosquito again without thinking of Morgana & her hunting prowess of them.
She would help me wake up in the morning (I'm NOT a morning person) but insisting that I hold & have some serious active cuddle time with her. It was like a burst of sunshine to perk up my soul. And she made winding down & getting sleepy at night easy too with her long & quieter cuddle session. At night, when I close my eyes, the tears still seep through my lashes.
Mozza is being very cuddly though, more so at night & so the two of us are building our own night-time ritual that soothes both of us. Sadly, it reminds me though of how when he's gone, that horrible emptiness will only be all the harder to bear. But for now, I'm making the most of my time with him. I know Morgana would not begrudge us this love.
One day, I know, I'll be able to think of my sweet little girl without this horrid painful tug on my heart. There will always be that sense of loss but the pain will be gone - not forgotten but not causing the hurt it does now. Such a special dear heart, she was. I only hope that everyone who's ever had a cat (or other pet) will experience this deep bond that we felt. As loving & special as Mozza is, the deep bond is not there. Oh, he's wonderful, funny, unique & I'm so glad to have him. But it's different & won't ever be like it was with Morgana. She seemed more human than any other cat I've known except old Taco who was the entire family's pet many years ago.
Rest in peace, sweet baby & as you become one with the earth, you will be the blossoms of the Kalmia I plant over your grave. I love you forever, dear heart Morgana.
February 15th 2008 12:15 pm
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Generally, a memoir is told from the viewpoint of the one that experienced it but in this case, it's me, Morgana's beloved momma who's telling the stories. I've had a few write (& one person in particular - you, dear heart, know who I mean) that Morgana's diary would bring tears to their eyes when they read each new entry. So I'd like to focus on some of the happier memories of her so others can get a feel of who she really was. I tend to ramble so if anyone reads this, maybe go get a cup of tea & settle down for a while. (-;
This story tells of her prowess as a 'might' hunter. Watching her made me smile & often laugh in delight. She may have been a little prima donna, a princess in some ways but she was very much a down-to-earth fun-loving kitty who couldn't bother wasting effort of pretending to be lady-like all the time. Again, she was so much like me which is why she was my dear little judy-cat.
While making tea this morning, I looked out my upstairs kitchen window as some movement caught my eye. The slight movement suddenly became mad motion as a black neighbourhood kitty, racing crazy like, zigzagged all over the street in front, chasing a large grey squirrel. Our area is overrun with squirrels & much hated by many but I find them entertaining even if a little too prolific. The squirrel, after many sharp turns, ran up the huge Douglas fir we have in our front yard. Black kitty knew the squirrel went up it but after staring upwards for a few seconds, started to look about. She knew squirrels will often jump off the tree & run somewhere else. But instead, she saw another squirrel across the street (I told you we had lots!) & took after it. Meanwhile, the crows sitting on the hydro lines offered their unasked-for & rude opinions as is their nature.
Grey squirrel, after seeing black kitty run off, traipsed along a branch, jumped to our large Japanese maple next to our upstairs deck & leaped onto our deck to explore for food. That's when my face really lit up as I recalled Morgana's first physical encounter with a squirrel.
It happened a couple of summers ago. Both Morgana & Mozza would lounge on our deck, amidst many potted plants & even a small mountain ash I kept in a large pot. It was our private retreat, shaded on the most part, by the fir & maple trees. It was idyllic for kitties, full of birds that came to the feeders, butterflies that visited the many flowers, squirrels that came (mostly when no kitties were around) & safe from dogs or cars. They could step back indoors whenever they wished to.
Morgana was sitting quietly on the deck, under the small barbecue in the shade. Mozza was lying, sleeping, on the other side under a chair. As I watched, a squirrel came along a branch of the Japanese maple, hopped onto the deck railing & ran along softly to the spot where he'd normally jumped down to the deck - right next to where Morgana sat! The kitties & I having been so still, the squirrel didn't even notice us. And Squirrel, himself, moved quietly too. Only when he plopped down to the deck, did he make a sound. And plop down, he did - right before Morgana's wide eyes.
Morgana & Squirrel were shocked to see each other. I muffled my laughter as I wanted to see how this played out. Both were frozen for a number of seconds, simply staring at each other in disbelief. Tentatively, Morgana reached out with one paw to pat Squirrel as if to see whether he was real or a figment of her imagination. It was only when her paw made contact with him that both exploded into action. I say exploded as the transformation from stillness to frantic movement was faster than I could blink. Both realised the other was real & Squirrel shot off towards sleeping Mozza with Morgana in mad pursuit behind it. As Squirrel & Morgana were racing around Mozza, he lifted his head in bewilderment at his rude awakening. By the time he leaped into action, Squirrel was already off the deck, down the tree & gone. Both Morgana & Mozza spent the next 10 minutes or so, sniffing every inch of Squirrel's steps while repeatedly checking the railing & tree to see if it was back.
It was the first & only time Morgana had one-on-one contact with a squirrel. She had watched them plenty when they were on the deck or the trees but never had a chance to be so close before. Both my cats knew the word 'squirrel' as I'd say it over & over whenever one hung off the window screening, mocking my kitties indoors or sat eating seeds & nuts on the deck. After this incident, I just had to ask "Where's the squirrel?" & they'd look around for one.
I'm sure Squirrel went back to his home to tell his family about the dumb kitty who didn't know what he was. And I'm sure he'd sugarcoat his story, telling how brave he was & how he outfoxed the two cats. It's always that way, isn't it, that the one telling the story is always the hero, the brave one? But if Morgana could talk, I'm sure she'd have said she was simply to surprised to catch it as she never expected squirrels to be so stupid that they'd practically throw themselves into a predator's lap. To me, she's always my little heroine, brave & resourceful - even if not always too prepared.
February 13th 2008 12:56 pm
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Wow... I never expected it to be so hard. I've lost dear kitties before & cried & moped about but losing Morgana has been different. I didn't cry as much as I *knew* letting her go was the best thing & I didn't feel guilty about doing so. I knew it was to be my last & most heartfelt gift I could give. But it all happened so fast that I was never prepared. I expected to have her for many years to come still.
She was my burst of sunshine - my joy. She gave a bounce in to my steps with her funny little antics, her cheerful happy face, her persistence in needing lots of hugs & cuddling. Oh, I knew she made me happy but I didn't realise how grey & colourless everything feels with her gone. The house feels empty. That tiny little 7 lb bundle of love & energy filled the entire house with her sunny presence. And now it's empty. I don't feel like getting up in the morning & when I do, I don't feel like doing anything. I have no energy, no ambition, no motivation. I feel half-dead inside.
Yes, I have Mozza & he's loving. But he's not a cuddler & when I try, he'll give me a quick nip & run off. Even after almost 15 years with me, he's still a jumpy nervous cat if anything isn't done as it's always been. All the kittens that came from his feral mom were the same. She passed on her anxious gene to all her kittens.
But I'll be patient with Mozza & wait. This is the first time he's even been the only cat in the home. I think he enjoyed it the first week but now, even he seems subdued. When sweet mischievous Morgana would get into things, he'd be right behind her wanting to know what was going on & taking over. I'm sure our home seems unusually quiet & subdued to him too. The 'winter blahs' affect him too. I've seen it in winters past, but worse now since our little whirlwind of fun is gone.
Dear, dear Morgana. I wish I could have you back so badly. When I close my eyes at night, I see your quiet little face as I folded the towel across it so the dirt filling your grave wouldn't get on it. I kissed your sweet little face for the last time & knew you couldn't return your love with your enthusiastic kisses back any more. I miss you, baby girl. I miss you so so much - the pain cuts into my heart & yet my heart feels like stone. Oh, sweetheart - never will there be another kitty like you for me. Of all the dear cats I've had over my life, somehow, you were the most special. I never even fully knew it then - you were just part of me - my other half more than anything or anybody else. Why, why, why did those horrid tumours have to grow inside of you - my perfect baby???
January 31st 2008 1:46 pm
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It's easiest for me to put this in Morgana's diary. My little sweetie had so many messages of sympathy & empathy sent along with lots of gifts. I truly & deeply appreciate every one of them. Because I belong to a number of Yahoo feline groups, I've received a flood of love from many others too.
I promise I will personally answer each message & gift sent to my baby. But right now, I'm finding it hard. It's actually easier for me to answer questions in the Answers section sometimes or to add a diary entry for Morgana or Mozza than to personally write anyone now. It's too raw still.
So if anyone may think I don't care about the messages sent me, I DO - very much so. And I will answer all in week or so. I have to let this heal a bit - the wound is still too raw & open. Tears come too easily & fast but the periods of calm & peace are growing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart everyone. I never ever expected such love from others.
Judy, Momma to my sweet forever-baby, Morgana
January 28th 2008 11:37 pm
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I wanted to add to Morgana's diary by recounting past funny, sweet, & happy stories of my little girl & how she touched my life & that of others too. But I'm not ready yet. I can remember all the sweet, funny things she did but it only makes me break down & sob again. It feels like a cold hand is wrapped around my heart. All I can do is describe what & who I've lost.
I miss her so SO badly. I'm more at peace with letting Morgana go than my last girl I had to, Medusa, but it's 'cause I know Morgana didn't suffer like Medusa did. Medusa's suffering wasn't long, it started around 8 in the evening. But when I knew how bad it was, the vet clinic (at that time) was closed & I had to wait till morning. Knowing she was so distressed for her final hours made me feel horrible & I remember it with a cold sick dread in my gut. Morgana didn't suffer. I wouldn't let her. I had to let her go while she still had dignity but was losing enjoyment of life.
But it doesn't help me. I miss her horribly. I WANT her back. I want her now. I want to hold her, to bury my face into her soft fur by her neck as she pressed her cheek hard into mine. She smelled so sweet. Her fur had the nicest fragrance about it like a girl should. Never sure why she smelled so nice but I'll never smell her again. She purred so hard that her little meows while she purred were trills. She sounded beautiful. She was the embodiment of more than just a cat -she was a kitty halfling & an ageless girl full of love & merriment. She was kindness, fun, mischief, empathy, contentment, happiness, gutsy & brash - all that was good & positive. She had no bad habits. She never did anything that ever upset me in the least. If cats could laugh & giggle out loud, she'd have done so often & every day. If cats could sing, a song would follow her everywhere. Even her walking & running about the place reminded me of someone skipping with delight. Her steps were light & quick.
For anyone who's closely tuned to their pets, you can tell if they're outgoing & happy, or if they're a quieter type who prefer a comfy life. Morgana was that outgoing happy girl cat. I could never feel down when I held her or played with her. She had the ability to transfer her love of life & sheer joy of living to others. She was my sunshine no matter how gloomy the day. And she was always near me. She'd follow me around & insist on coming into the bathroom no matter what I'd be doing. She just wanted to be near me.
I want her back. I know she's gone but it doesn't seem real. I still go to pick up her bowl along with Mozza's. I still look over at my other pillow expecting her to be there. Oh, sweetie, my sweet little girl, why did this have to happen?
January 26th 2008 3:40 pm
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So many gifts & condolences have been sent to my sweet baby, Morgana!! Sadly, I can't read them properly although I can see who they came from. A few can be read but many times, the stupid ads on the right side of Morgana's profile blocks out most of the words when I click on the gifts. I wrote to Catster, politely complaining about this & asked them to make a few changes to their HTML code so I can see the messages. I hope they listen & correct this. I can't be the only one frustrated by this. It left me in tears.
So for now, thank you, thank you, everyone who's sent condolences & gifts at my loss. Please, PLEASE everyone, don't think me a heartless cold person with no faith, but I don't believe in kitty, doggy, or pet heaven. I *know* Morgana isn't waiting for me. But, to me, it's not like she's gone forever. She's in my heart, warm, safe & always loved. Time will never erase my love & memories of her. She will always be a part of me & a very precious part too. Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts & sympathy offered. I guess each of us find the way we deal with this best. I only have to close my eyes to see my little girl & feel her warm cheek next to mine. I'll never lose her this way.
January 24th 2008 11:12 pm
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This is Judy, Morgana's Momma, writing her last diary entry. My little sweet girl, my forever kitten, my little judy-cat is gone. It all happened so fast that it's still unreal to me.
From being a little off the last couple of weeks & wondering if she may have hyperthyroidism to today - no longer with me. Last Wednesday, I took her to the vet clinic for a physical & blood work to ask them to check for hyperT. The results came back the next day confirming hyperT although not severe & no thyroid nodules could be felt as is common most of the times. But she was also mildly anemic, neutrophils low (a type of white blood cell), & 2 very high liver enzymes. The vet felt something might be wrong with her liver too.
But the ultrasound today showed a huge mass in her abdomen, a smaller one underneath one kidney, & infiltration of the same density of this mass into her liver too. She'd also developed ascites just last night (fluid build-up in her abdomen). This morning, she was already showing a pot belly appearance from her normally lithe shape. Coupled with weight loss, I knew it meant she was building up fluids fast. It's very unpleasant & soon can cause great discomfort if not outright pain & agony.
I knew what I had to do for my baby. To do it now while she may still be sort of uncomfortable but not suffering badly yet. It would only be a matter of days & I couldn't keep her with me just to satisfy my need for her company - not over her welfare. So I made the hardest, last & most unselfish gift one can give their beloved pet.
My sweet little one is wrapped now, laying on my bed. I'll keep her on my other pillow like she used to sleep before for the night & then bury her beside my Medusa. In spring, I'll plant another Kalmia http://tinyurl.com/399c6c on her grave like I did for Medusa.
I can't believe you're gone. It was so fast. I'm only glad i didn't drag out & you suffered. This way was best. Goodbye my sweetest, happiest, cuddliest kitten, my 'joie de vie' baby. It hurts so so much.
January 21st 2008 4:33 pm
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Seems like every time I turn around, Momma grabs me & pops another pill down my throat with the pill gun. She's lucky I'm such a good natured girl & don't bite her hard like Medusa did a number of times. Momma says she's just gotten very good at doing it quickly with little fuss from all the practise she had with Medusa.
Momma bought some milk thistle & some SAM-e for my liver (so she says, I wouldn't know) as my liver isn't doing too good right now. I'm going back to the nice doctor again. No funny thing up my butt this time - I get what's called an ultrasound. He told Momma it will show if there's any lump on or near my liver.
I wasn't feeling too good this morning. I didn't want to do more than nibble & I wasn't interested in drinking even. Momma says I can't get dehydrated so she used a tiny dose of cyproheptadine to jump start my appetite. It worked & I had a nice bowl of Fancy Feast fishy flavoured food with added water. That felt so good & I washed my face happily afterwards. Meantime, Mozza's being a bully. I don't know why but he keeps trying to sneak up on me & chase me away from my spot. Last night, he was extra mean & Momma yelled at him. She never yells at us so even I was surprised. She gave him a spanking (not too hard) on his rump & told him to leave me alone. He was trying to bite me hard! He's weird sometimes. I never bother him so why does he do it to me?
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