Thoughts From a Brain Damaged Kitty

I'm a saaaad kitty!

August 12th 2005 8:36 pm
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Asha has a boyfriend, And Erland has a cruuuush *Ooo!*, but I dooon't!!!
Only my mommy really loves me!

I shall go over here and mope and never ever stop thinking about it and--- OOOO WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?! A giant evil hamster of DOOOM!

Oh wait... nevermind... dust bunny...

 

DVD cat

August 11th 2005 3:33 pm
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Sooo, today I was a DVD. Yes I know it sounds strange, but I become whatever I am sitting next to. So, I went and nextled myself on the bottom shelf of the dvds, and blended in so the birdies outside couldn't see me. I then proceeded to stalk them for two hours, while Mom and Dad and my annoying brother Erland were in the other room watching telly. When Dad was getting ready to go to work, we all went out to the living room, where I sat on the ice chest and became a Strange Cross Between an Ice Chest, Cell Phone (which happened to be sitting on ice chest), and Belt (there was one hanging from the coat rack nearby...).
What can I say? I am the Master of Disguise.

 

I miss my mommy!

August 7th 2005 1:17 pm
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Mooooommy!! I haven't been petted in *ages*

*comment from Erland: Kitten, Mom petted you for 20 minutes by following you around the house about 40 minutes ago!*

Mommmmmmmm!!
I know, I'll go eat an elastic string like the one Erland ate off his fishing toy, and it went through but didn't *quite* make it out his back end, and Mommy had to pull it out! That will get her attention!

*comment from Erland: KITTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

 

Why is Mommy in the wall?

August 6th 2005 10:19 am
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So, I was looking for Mommy yester-evening. I called out, "Moooooommy!"
And I heard her say "Kiiiiiitten" from the wall!
So I went over to the wall and Stared At It.

"Moooooooommy," I said, "Whatcha doin in the wall?"
Somehow, Mommy magically PETTED me even though she was stuck in the wall!

I yowled at her again, "Moooooooooom?"
"Right here, Kitten," she said, magically appearing beside me! How did she DO that? She kept petting me even through her magical transition from Wall to Kittenside!!!!!

That is sooo wrong.
*runs away with load of poo in pants movement*

 

Death To My Evil Sister!

August 4th 2005 8:29 pm
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Sooooo I was trolling round the internet, as one does, and Lo! I came across my sister Asha's page! And can you believe what she wrote about me?! She will be the first to go when I take over the worrrrld... mwuahahahaha... Ooo poo Mom caught me near the pooter! Better look like the mouse pointer is terribly fascinating!

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table. Call ASPCA to retrieve demon cat; adopt a dog.

 

In Which Kitten Gets Distracted.

August 1st 2005 5:31 pm
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Hi! I'm Kitten. I know, I know, my name is Pippin. But really, it's Kitten. Deal with it, OR ELSE FEAR MY KITTENY WRATH!
*swats at a passing Alien Space Invader rudlely flicked by Mommy*
Soooo, my friend Shai, who my Mommy knows IN PERSON *gasp* is apparently possibly cuter than me. I AM AT A LOSS! What do I do to regain my Mommy's good graces?! Do I shred her couch? Vomit on her clean laundry hamper? Oooo I know! I'll wake her up 10 times in the middle of the night MEROWLING for her!
No really, Shai is cute. But no one can resist the Cute of the Kitten!

By the way, my Mommy recently posted this on a sticky near this weird whirly-noisy computery thing. What DOES it mean?! *inserts foot to inspect more carefully* Ooo it's got a breeze!

ACHTUNG

Das Machine ist nicht fur Gerfingerpoken und Mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der Springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken.

Ist nicht fur gewerken by das Dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken Sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.

Relaxen und watch das Blinenlights.

 
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Pippin (call me Kitten)


 

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