Strategery

She's calling it "Bandit". He skulks under the bed like a criminal. The human has started what she calls "supervised visitation". That means the door is open and I can go in and DESTROY THE ENEMY!

The first time he sneaked out from under the bed, I trotted over to let him know who was boss. He tried to act tough. A little hissing. A little growling. A couple of swipes with his claws. I just pretended to be scared. Yeah, that's it. I was PRETENDING to be scared. Just a little strategy to lull him into a false sense of superiority, I mean, security.

He's getting braver. He comes out from under the bed when he thinks I'm not looking. But I'm watching his every move! I'm working hard at keeping him corralled in the bedroom. I'll concede that room to him but that's ALL! The rest of the house is MINE!

Death to Bandit!

She thought she could sneak him into the house but I was wise to her. (pace, pace, pace) He's in her bedroom. I can smell him. (pace, pace, pace) I've posted myself outside of the door. (pace, pace, pace) If he tries to get out, he'll have to get past me first. (pace, pace, pace)

I got a look at him yesterday. Overweight, probably out of shape. I can take him. (pace, pace, pace). That's why I ran away, I mean, tried to lure him out of the room. (pace, pace, pace). And hid, I mean, set up an ambush under the kitchen table. (pace, pace, pace). He didn't take the bait and try to leave the bedroom so I am back at my post. Acting as sentry (pace, pace, pace).

I must defend my house (pace, pace, pace). I will fight him at the scratching post. I will fight him at the food bowl. I will fight him at the litterbox. I WILL NEVER SURRENDER!!

Note from Human: Oh, great. I have a cat that channels Churchill.

New Kitty? No Way!

My human announced that instead of getting me toys and stuff for my birthday next month, she's getting me a "buddy". She says that with her two jobs, Master Gardener class and volunteer work at Rutgers Gardens that she is never home (true!) and even when she is home, she is either working in the yard or on the computer (also true!). So her solution is to get another cat? Come on, the answer is obvious! Cut down on all those unnecessary activities and spend more time with me.

There's no way I'm sharing my wet food with another cat. Or my cat tree. And definitely NOT my litterbox. Uh, uh. Only one kitty per litterbox and that kitty is me! And that's FINAL.

Note from Human: an additional litterbox has already been purchased along with food and water bowls, toys and a scratcher.

Note from Tuvok: how come the new kitty gets a scratcher with catnip and all I get is a plain, old scratching post without catnip??????

Note from Human: when have you ever needed catnip as an inducement to scratch?

Note from Tuvok: (time to change the subject) Can I have a treat? Look, I'm cute and furry (she falls for this every time).

Note from Human: awwwww...looook...he's soooo cuuuuute and furrrrry! Here, have a treat.

Note from Tuvok: (told ya!)

I've Been Robbed!

I've had a really gruesome week. It started when my human took me to the vet on Monday. She PROMISED me that he was only going to look in my mouth to see if the medication had worked. She said nothing else was going to happen. He was just going to look. HAH!! Liar, liar, pants on fire!! After he looked in my mouth, he took me in back and took some of my blood. MY BLOOD!! The nerve of this guy.

We went back to the vet on Thursday. My human said it was going to be worse than having my teeth cleaned. She didn't lie this time. I decided I wasn't going to make it easy on them. I refused to come out of my carrier. They tried the "Cat Dump" and turn it upside down. I clung on for dear life. Then both my human and the vet reached in and pulled me out. The two of them were too much for me. In a last desperate effort, I hooked my tail on the door of the carrier but it didn't work. I was out.

They put me to sleep. When I woke up, my back teeth were gone! Someone had stolen them while I was asleep. To make matters worse, they also shaved my front legs. My human said it was to get the IV's in. I think they just wanted some of my fur cuz they're building a FrankenCat. They got blood, teeth and fur from me. I wonder how many other cats they had to use to get all the parts they needed?

I was supposed to go home the same day, but the vet called my human and told her I would be more comfortable if I stayed there for the night. He's a liar too! I would definitely have been more comfortable at home. The next morning, I woke up feeling really, really lousy. I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own cat tree but they told my human I was running a fever and had to stay.

They didn't let me go until dinner time. Boy, was I looking forward to that! The food at the vet was AWFUL! Then we get home and my human serves me the same thing! She claimed I could only eat that until my mouth healed. Great! As if having my teeth stolen wasn't punishment enough, now I couldn't even have any of my own yummy wet food. I went on a hunger strike.

She finally caved on Sunday morning. Heh, heh. She had to mash up my wet food (I like the chunky kind) and it made her really nauseous first thing in the morning. I don't know why it made her sick. It's great stuff, really fishy and smelly. Boy, did it taste good! Now we have to work on getting her to give me treats again. She claims I can't have treats until my mouth heals. Yeah, right. That's what she said about my wet food.

In the meantime, she's shoving droppers in my mouth full of painkillers and antibiotics. I'm fighting it as hard as I can. She should know by now that I only take that stuff if I get a treat afterwards. Soooooo . . . until she gives in and starts giving me treats again, I'm going to be one uncooperative kitty.

My human is also making fun of my shaved legs. She says I look like a poodle!! What an insult! Comparing a handsome feline like myself to an ugly, old dog. She has no taste.

She's losin' it!

I think my human is losing it. Every day she goes outside and digs in the dirt. She calls it "gardening". Then, she comes into the house and collects all my lovely fur that I've spent all day spreading around the house and furniture and takes it outside and spreads it around the yard. Hey!! That's MY fur!! I decide where it goes. She says it prevents the rabbits and squirrels from digging up her gardens. Well, if that's true, then my fur has been keeping them out of the house and now that there isn't any in the house, the rabbits and squirrels will stay out of her gardens and come into MY HOUSE instead!

Obviously, she hasn't thought this through. Or she's crazy. Today I caught her stealing fur from my cat tree. I immediately jumped up and starting batting her away. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to get that thing all furred up just the way I like it? HOURS!! This has got to stop. This constant re-furring of the house and furniture is seriouly cutting into my nap time.

It won't be easy

My human took me back to the vet for the checkup. The vet said my mouth was no better and I needed to go to the dentist. Dentist? Uh-uh. No way! The last time my human went to the dentist, she couldn't chew properly for days. Something called a root canal.

We went to the dentist last week. It looked just like the vet's office except it was in another town and it was bigger and newer. And there were a LOT more animals in the HUGE waiting room. Dogs all over the place and in every size from tiny to enormous. It was too scary. I couldn't look. I curled up in the back of my carrier and tried to ignore them.

The dentist seemed just like a vet. He tried to be my friend. Called himself "Uncle Scott". Yeah, right! No way I was falling for that. He did all the usual vet stuff. Not my friend at all. I have an auto-immune disease with a big long name. Basically, my immune system is attacking my teeth.

He said we had about four choices. First, my human could try brushing my teeth every day (right, like that's gonna happen!) but it probably wouldn't help. The second thing was medication twice a day. That might or might not help. The third option was to remove my "cheek teeth". Remove? As in go to sleep with my teeth and then wake up without them? Nope, not this kitty. The last option was to remove ALL of my teeth. ALL OF THEM? This guy is nuts!

Fortunately, my human has at least a little common sense. She doesn't want to have my teeth pulled unless absolutely necessary. She went with the 30 day medication trial.

She thinks she's pretty smart, giving me a treat after each dose of medicine. I do love those treats but I'm not going to let her know that. I'm making it as difficult as possible. She has to find me twice a day to give me the medication and then I make her chase me to give me my treat. Hee hee! All that work on her part and I STILL get a treat! Cats are definitely smarter than humans.

I'm getting sleepy . . . .

The past couple of days are a little fuzzy. Thursday night, my human put me on the strictest diet ever. No food, no water. She tried to tell me that the vet told her to do it, but I knew better. I distinctly remember the vet telling her to cut DOWN on my food, not cut OUT my food completely. And she didn't say anything about my water. No way. Uh, uh. I can have water. I know that for a fact!

So yesterday ( I think it was Friday), when she put me in my carrier, I didn't argue. I knew we were going to the vet and I wanted to give that doctor a piece of my mind. Once we got there, my human forgot me. She didn't seem to notice that she took an empty carrier home! I know she's getting up there in cat years, but you would think she would notice how light the carrier was. No way I lost THAT MUCH weight overnight.

Then they put me to sleep. They CLAIMED they were just going to clean my teeth but I'm sure they did all sorts of unspeakable things to me. Once you're unconcious and unable to defend yourself, they can really take advantage of you. Thank goodness my human realized I was missing, remembered where she had left me and came back for me. I was still groggy but I'm pretty sure I heard her agree to bring me back in ten days to be checked out. NO WAY THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN!! They told her they just want to check me but I know that they want to knock me out and do unspeakable things to me again.

When we got home, the first thing I did was check to make sure everything was where I had left it. You can't leave these humans unsupervised. You never know what they might do. Like rearrange the furniture, get another pet, move another human in or out, etc. Fortunately, my human seems to be well trained and everything was where I left it and there were no new pets or humans. Then I headed over to my (missing) food bowl. I know the vet told her I couldn't have any food or water until 8 PM, but, hey, you never know. She IS getting very absent- minded.

She went out to a party and left me. She thought she was being nice by leaving me water, a light on and the heat running, but I had had a really tough day. I wanted my wet food. You gotta understand, when my human goes out, she stays out half the night. I knew she wouldn't be back by 8 PM and I was HUNGRY! Unbelievably, she was home by midnight, way early for her. I sternly reminded her that I hadn't eaten for more than 24 hours. She served me my wet food before she even took her coat off. YUM!! Best tasting wet food I have ever had.

Then she gave me something called a "painkiller". Really AWFUL tasting stuff. She forgot to refrigerate it to cut down on the bitterness. It was godawful. At that point, I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.

Today has been pretty normal. I've been getting my kibble and wet food on schedule. I'm also getting an antibiotic twice a day. That doesn't taste too bad. The "painkiller" stuff doesn't taste quite as awful when it's been refrigerated. And I only have to take it once a day. My human left for work tonight after giving me my dinner, antibiotic and painkiller. She tried to give me my usual treat before she left, but . . . I . . . just . . . want . . .to go . . . to sleep . . . zzzzzzzzz

Send Food! I'm Starving!

My human took me to the vet last week for my annual checkup. I really hate that place. You should have seen the size of the dog that was in the waiting room. It looked more like a pony than a dog. I was glad I was in my carrier where he couldn't get at me.

I tried hiding way in the back of my carrier. I figured if they couldn't see me, they would think I missed my appointment. Darn human! She told them I was there. The vet says she gave me some shots. I think she's lying. I didn't feel a thing.

The bad news is that she says I'm overweight. I weigh 21.5 pounds. She says I should weigh 17 pounds. Hey, I'm a male Maine Coon. I've got big bones. At 17 pounds, I'll be skin and bones! I'll be at death's door from starvation!

My human promised to cut down on my kibble. I figured I could fool her with no problem. No dice. She's keeping track of how much she gives me. At this rate, I'll waste away to nothing. I need a plan. She thinks I'm napping at the top of my cat tree but I'm really plotting my escape. I have to get out of here before it's too late and I'm too weak from hunger to run away. Wish me luck!

Reaching a New Level!

Well, I finally made it to the top level of my cat tree and you know what? It's really great up here! The view is fantastic. I insist my human open the shades early every morning so I can settle in at my favorite window. No more cold, hard window sill for me. It's all soft, warm, fuzzy carpet all the time! I'm so comfy up here, I don't ever want to come down. If only my food bowl and litter box fitted up here, I'd never have to leave! Wow, I can't understand why I was so hesitant.

Finally, my human got something right! Maybe she's not so dumb after all.

Furry Tree

I'm just lovin' my new cat tree. My human thought I looked so cute sitting on the platforms and sleeping in the little house. Then she noticed the fur. I shed all over it. She had bought one that was light-colored because it goes with her living room decor. But I am a black cat. Now the tree is covered with black cat hair! She has to vacuum it constantly. Of course, as soon as she cleans it, I'm right back up there furrin' it up again!