Hymn to Her

She will always carry on
Something is lost, something is found
They will keep on speaking her name
Some things change, some stay the same

Missing my dear Lil

To all of our dear friends -- both human and divinely feline -- I wish to express my heartfelt thanks for having helped us through the hardest part of any relationship with a non-human: saying good-bye. I don't want to be melodramatic (Lillie wouldn't have wanted that!), but I feel compelled to say this via a forum that will reach everyone who has touched my and Lillie's life in the past few weeks. Right now, I can barely go to her page, I miss her so much. Those of you who have sent e-mail (on Catster) to Lillie, I will respond, but I need a few days to collect my thoughts. And a humongous "bless you" who sent Rosettes in honor of my sweet kit.

I do have to relate this one final story about Lillie -- I have 18 years of stories about that feisty little cat! -- before I close. Lillie had her own room in our house (really the office, but it was all centered around her!), and she HATED to have the door anything but open. It never latched properly, so she quickly figured out that by slipping her paw under the door, she could pull it open and slip out. Well, that evening, after she'd crossed the bridge, I sat holding her tiny body, kissing her head. My husband escorted the vet and her tech out, and he closed the door behind them as they all exited. I sat with Lillie, when all of the sudden, the door popped open about five inches -- just wide enough for a little Tortie tabby to pass through. No other doors in the house had opened (causing a change in air pressure that would have caused the door to open on its own). I knew then that it was Lillie, getting the final word in -- "Don't close that door, dammit!" And it was also her way of letting me know that she was leaving (wow, typing THAT word was hard). I miss her so much that it hurts, but I know that she's in a better place -- where she won't hurt -- and that we did this at the right time, before she truly began to suffer.

Thank you, everyone at Catster, for being so awesome. I'll be back to posting and e-mailing in a day or two.

Best regards,
Julia (Lillie's Mom)

The Bridge is so Beautiful!!

Tonight, I crossed over the bridge. It was sudden -- but Mom noticed early this morning that I wasn't doing well. I didn't eat at all -- I couldn't, as the tumor had become too large. I tried, but I just couldn't. I spent most of today in the "meatloaf" position on the bathroom mat, not wanting anyone -- not even Mom -- to even touch me, let alone brush me. I did, however, take a moment to venture out into the bedroom to enjoy one last sunspot. I lingered there, then returned to the safety and comfort of my bathroom.
The bridge is so beautiful...everything that all of my angel cats have told me is true. Lots of catnip for me, and sunspots everywhere. And Buddy, Callie, Newton, and SooLing (among so many others!) are here, to show me around as I ease into my new surroundings.
I'm still watching over Mom and Dad, and my sisters, especially Malaika. It's beautiful here, and I'm no longer in any pain or discomfort.

There'll be NO sleeping in on MY watch!

This morning, I woke Mom and Dad up with a giant obnoxious yowling fit. It WAS after 6:00, you know!! Mom immediately jumped out of bed to see what was wrong. Yeah, I'll TELL you what was wrong: My food bowl was EMPTY! So, she picked me up to see if I was ok, and I directed her to my growling tummy, and she finally caught a clue. SO, down to the kitchen we all went (the other cats gave me high-fives behind her back -- yeah, an early breakfast and it's not even a workday for the humans!). I got my usual: warmed chicken broth, baby food, Fancy Feast, and tuna all mashed to an unrecognizable gruel that Charles Dickens would've been impressed by. Top it all off with some nasty-smelling analgesic (and some tuna water to mask the drugs, but I know they're in there), and I'm ready to chow down. And chow down I DID -- I was an uncouth as a dog, slurping that stuff up. Now that I'm done (*urp* -- 'scuze me), it's time for my 7 am brushing session. Time to go find Mom and get that done now, too!

Still purring

I've got a belly full of tuna and chicken broth, just had a lovely brushing session, and now I'm curled up on Mom's lap whilst she conducts business on the 'puter. Life doesn't get much better.

Today's a good day

As usual this morning, Mom came into my room to give me kisses on my head, but this time, it made me purr. I don't know why, but I'm doing better today than I have done in days. She kissed on me, and brushed my fur for a long time, holding my little body steady with one hand and gently brushing with the other. In between she kissed me, making me purr all the more. She thought that I'd had enough and stopped, so I got into her lap to help her with her e-mail. The purring continued. After a while, I ate a bit, had some water, and was back in her lap before she'd even noticed that I was gone. I know that she doesn't know what to do, because when I'm happy like this, she thinks that everything's fine. I guess that once I've truly had enough of this, I'll find a way to let her know.

Here in my sunspot

If I just sit put here in my sunspot, I feel good. The sun warms my bones, making me feel much better. I ate almost all of my breakfast, and even drank some water from my bowl, so now that I'm curled up in the warmest part of the house, I'm doing ok. Mom keeps checking on me, because I'm being so quiet today, but I don't want to get in her lap...I just want to enjoy my sunspot whilst I can. She kisses the top of my head a few times and quietly leaves me be.

Fading

It's only a matter of time, Mom says. She loves me, I know it, but she has begun to accept that I am no longer happy or comfortable. I can't close my mouth now (or chew anything) because the tumor has taken over. I also can't drink very well. Oddly enough, I still purr when Mom loves on me, and I still try to clean myself (which only makes things worse, though). Mom and Dad have a tough decision to make, I know, and as much as I love them, I'm just not enjoying a good quality of life. So, right now I'm in my favorite sun spot, after a breakfast of mashed tuna and baby food. Mom wants to make sure that everything is good right on up until it's time.

Lillie greets the New Year

Today is New Year's, and Mom is amazed that I'm as spry as ever, bouncing around the house, scratching on MY scratching post, even running up the stairs! Mom knows that I'm sick, but I'm not letting this thing take me down without a good fight. It's a little annoying having a growth in my mouth, but Mom knows exactly how to fix my food so that I can slurp it up (she mashes a can of Fancy Feast in my bowl full of warmed chicken broth -- yum! -- slips a little anelgesic in, and tops it with tuna and tuna juice. It's the Bomb! ).
I'm still the same ol' Lil, except that now I really enjoy getting into Mom's lap more often. I love the feeling of being held and "squeezed" a little...and my purr is still as gravelly as ever.
What REALLY amazes me, though, is the number of friends I have through Catster -- other cats who are either going through something like this, too, or have siblings who have crossed already (or they themselves have already crossed and are looking over me!). I feel so loved, and I know that I'm so lucky to have friends who care so much about me!

Lillie the Fighter

Well, it's been a few days now since my initial diagnosis, and I'm still hanging in there. I still love my food, I run up and down the stairs, stopping only to scratch frantically at the sissel post in the hallway, and generally torment all who get in my way. I am STILL Alpha cat! The only difference is that this thing in my mouth is getting bigger, pushing my tongue to the side. But I'm not in pain, and it's really only bothersome when I eat and drink. Mom and Dad still love me, I know that...they're forever loving on me and kissing me. But I know that Mom is sad, and it's probably just a matter of time before I'm called to The Bridge. But in the meantime, I'm going to keep being the curmudgeonly little she-devil that they all know and love!