Unsettled...

Bandit here. Things have been far too unsettled around here lately. First, I was hauled over to Cincinnati for a night while THEY went somewhere. Then the loon was gone for two whole nights and as soon as she got back we were unceremoniously packed up and taken to Cincy again for TWO WHOLE NIGHTS without my staff (me and the Ditto).

I made my displeasure known by howling at the top of my lungs throughout the night. As I am not a vocal feline, this was a surprise to my temporary servants.

Really, Cincy is nice. The floors are warmer than at my house and someone is always cleaning them. Meals are on time though not served with the devotion I inspire at home.

But being without my staff is not tolerable and I have announced it is not to happen again.

The other disturbing thing is I keep hearing jokes about Entertainment Arriving Soon and if this means the damn loon is bring home more rescues, we are going to have a serious problem! There are plenty here. I realize they are only temporary, but honestly!

I do not like the sound of this. A gentlemen needs some peace and quiet!

New Mind Games For Humans

Here's another way to drive your humans nuts.

Spend a couple of days getting one of them to become your furniture--bed, chair, bathtub--all your furniture. If they're sitting down, give them "The Look", watch as they rearrange their sitting position to accommodate your furry little body, and then jump up. Curl up and sleep for a good 2-3 hours, bathe, get down and get a snack, then jump back up. All day long.

People are insane. They'll totally go for it.

Then, on the 3rd day, wait for your Chosen One to sit down and then stand in front of them with "The Look", maybe even meow a little. They'll make a lap, pat their legs and say "well, come on."

Tilt your head to one side, say "Meow" softly, and walk away.

The person will sigh hard; come back a few minutes later and repeat. They'll still make a lap for you. This time when you walk away, swish your tail just =so=.

Your person will be totally irritated and insulted.

Your work will then be complete.

Wait a few days, then repeat.

Conversations That Go NOWHERE!

The loon and I had a conversation last night. She was sitting at her desk, looking at the computer, and I was sitting on the bed, trying to get her to get off her butt and let me have it for a while. She barely turned her head to look at me and said, "According to everything I've been reading, we need to put you on a low fat diet for your pancreas."

Excuse me? I don't think so. I am not giving up my Stinky Goodness!

"If we didn't have to give you your meds, we could do away with the wet food..."

And I can gnaw your eyeballs out while you sleep, too...

"And we should reduce your stress levels."

Fine, get rid of evil toddler spawn.

"But you don't exactly have stress. You eat and sleep and poop."

Evil toddler spawn is my source of stress!

"Moving was stressful on you, wasn't it?"

I didn't like it, but there's bigger stress in my life!

"Isn't having a bigger place better since you guys have more room to play?"

Fine. More room is nice. But who says I want to play!? I'm really just trying to annihilate the little monster.

Then she turned and lifted me onto her lap and rubbed the top of my head and said, "Guinney is kind of stressful on you, isn't he? I'm sorry... He'll get better as he gets older."

I'd prefer not to wait that long. Get rid of him.

"We'll figure something out."

Yeah. I'll believe that when I see it.

My furniture.

Today, she was my furniture.

Yep, every time she sat down, I was there, in her lap. When she sat at the computer, I jumped up there and made myself comfortable, even grabbing her arm to use as a pillow. When she plopped down on the bed to watch a little TV, I curled up on her, occasionally stirred to bathe myself. When she went out into the living room and sat in the big comfy chair, my butt was plastered to her lap before she could pick up the TV clicker thing.

She calls me Velcro Kitty when I do this, and at first she thinks it's funny, but after 5 or 6 hours of 15 pound kitty on her lap, she does tend to find it annoying.

And that amuses me.

She thinks I'm feeling needy and in want of some attention, but no. I just want to take enough time to thoroughly, completely annoy her. This is payback loon for bringing that evil spawn in the house.

And when I'm not in her lap, I'm meowing to get her to make a lap for me. And the insane part? She does it! And she sits there until she has to pee so bad it's about gushing out her ears! The only time she makes me get up is when she's about to pop, or it's time to feed us, or the Man wants to go somewhere.

GET UP!!!

If a kitty is hungry an hour and a half early, and if that kitty has been good all night long, shouldn't that kitty be allowed to holler nonstop until SOMEONE gets out of bed to open a can of Stinky Goodness?

I thought so.

It does no good to lie there stubbornly all that time and tell me to be quiet. I am going to win, no matter how long it takes.

Sick Humans

The human loon is annoying me already this week.

First, she breaks my computer. She says it was because of a power surge, but I know better. She broke it, and now I'm forced to try to type on this laptop computer. You know what? It sure as heck doesn't fit on my laptop.

Second, she won't stop coughing. What a royal pain in the butt! I'm trying to sleep on top of her chest, and she starts hacking away--it's like trying to sleep on a trampoline with a fat kid bouncing up and down on the other side. She damn near launched me across the room! And if I'm trying to snooze in the living room, here she comes, making those obnoxious wheezing and honking sounds, scaring me out of a deep sleep.

There's no consideration around here.

Going over this again...

Your Job As My People:

Get up when I ask, and feed me.

Make the bed, taking care to smooth out the giant fuzzy blanket.

Be quiet while I take my nap.

Give me treats when I ask for them.

Get out of the big comfy chair when I change nap locations.

Stop saying the words "It's not time." I'll tell you when it's time.

Feed me dinner when I want dinner, not when you feel like feeding me.

Cook only kitty friendly things for your own dinner, and share them.

Don't tell me to shut up when you trying to fall asleep. "Shut up" is rude.

If I'm singing or talking all night long, enjoy it, do not complain.

When night is over, repeat the process.

Is that so hard? Is it really?

Jobs

There was no food in any of the dishes last night, so what did the human loon expect me to do? Wait? I don't think so. I jumped up on the bed and began reminding her, politely of course, that I need to eat every once in a while. It doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night. If the dish is empty then someone with opposable thumbs needs to fill it.

And it's not my problem if Ditto Bean was already there half the night keeping her awake. Heck, he needs to eat, too. And more than I do. His scrawny legs are hollow (as is his brain), so he always needs plenty of food available.

It took a while, but she finally got up and filled one of the dishes in the laundry room. She mumbled something about it being 4-fricking-45 in the morning, but I figure if she'd filled the dish all the way before she went to bed, she wouldn't have that problem.

And I was very polite; after I was done eating, I let her sleep for a little bit and then went in and got back on the bed, and thanked her profusely.

She did not appreciate my consideration. So then I made her scratch me. My back was itchy, and that's her job.

People, your jobs don't go away just because you're sleepy.

Really now.

I Am...

I am not on your lap to show how much I love you.
I am not nuzzling your face out of affection.
I am not wiggling on my back to be cute.

I am on your lap because it’s there.
I am nuzzling your face because that gets hair up your nose.
I am wiggling on my back because you are wearing brand new black slacks, and the wiggling transfers a ton of fur onto them in just seconds.

All of this annoys you, and that amuses me.

Windows

I'm sitting on the special window seat, trying to peek through the slats of the window blind, when the MAN leans back and says, "Are you trying to look outside?"

Umm, no, genius, I just like the dust on the blinds.

"Do you want me to open them for you?"

Geez, don't tear yourself away from the idiot box to do me any favors, now.

And don't get your shorts in a wad when I walk away after you open them. The point is that they're open, not that I sit there and stare at the little rat-dog who spends all day on a balcony in the house across the street. He won't jump anyway, and I have other things to do.

Like howl at the blinds to the patio, until you get up and open those, too.