A Mysterious Proclamation

Good Day, Catfriends. It is I, Deter, Cat of the Ages. Let us dispense with formality, as I'm sure you've become aware of an alarming addition to our 'family' on the (stupid)Dogster side of the tracks. At least, Nero and I believe it is a stupid dog. Lest you be unduly concerned, We thought it best that you be briefed on the goings-on Chez Deter. Yes, it's a tragic turn of events. Yes, We are displeased beyond your wildest imaginings. We neither asked for, nor authorized such an abomination.

Yet, do not fear, dear Catfriends! What you are about to read should help to calm your worries.

It is tiny. The thing clunks about, unable to keep itself upright while taking corners at any kind of speed. It attemps to give chase, but lacking coordination and any sort of cranial activity, it does not pose much of a threat. It considers the short hop from the floor to the couch a feat of near magical skill. Any time it is found on the furniture, one may safely assume it was assisted by Mom or Dad.

Nero and I have decided to make a game of amazing Mom and Dad with our supernatural restraint. Nero has not raised a paw to the new stupid dog, and...(drum-roll please), neither have I. I, Deter, Queen of Pain, Bringer of the Fearsome Tempest of Deet, have gone no further than to voice my displeasure with an annoyed meow.

I shall now give you a moment to digest this improbable news. Take as long as you need. Okay. Moment over.

Mom and Dad are amazed that Nero and I seem to care so little about this new addition. I have not stopped helping Mom fall asleep every night (which is what I do when I am displeased with her), I have not cloistered myself away, and I have not withdrawn from social activities in the living room.

As for Nero, he has put up with being slobbered-upon, pawed, and nudged with a reeking puppy breath muzzle. Nero has even nuzzled at the puppy.

Why are we doing this? Why this bafflingly benign response to such an unwelcome change? Perhaps We have something dastardly up our fuzzy little sleeves? Perhaps our motives are pure? Perhaps. We'll never tell.

Imperially,
Isis, Queen of Every Realm.

Good Catsters, it is I! Deter, Cat of the Ages!

Since I've been away 'On Progress', I've been unable to write. I trust you're all well, as are the subjects of my domain. I promise to my titled land-holding Catster friends that your properties have been well looked-after in my terribly unfortunate absence from the Internet. I don't care to waste time discussing the ineptitude of my servants, so if you want an explanation, check out Nero's diary. He's so gauche as to care about such things.

Of course, I've kept busy, and entered yet another year of my glorious reign. Yes, you make take a moment to genuflect if you should feel so moved. Now. Good, moment over.

My time has been much-consumed with formulating ingenius (if not a bit sinister) plans to rid my realm of the new intruder. Mom calls it 'Yoga Ball', I call it dreadful! It is HUGE, and appears to be too strong to pierce with a mere cat's claw, and if that's the case, then God Help Us ALL. It rolls around independently, unpredictably, and quite on its own. Especially after being swatted. I despise the wretched thing, and I don't care who knows it!

Other than that, things are well and good. There is food, water, and good times aplenty in my realm of late. And now, I shall go and bat furiously at something inconsequential. Good day and Gros Bisoux to you all.

Imperially,
Isis, Queen of EVERY Realm

My New Friend

Well. Some of you have asked if I had any other pictures from my vacation to Japan. And of course, I do!

The newly uploaded, and completely un-doctored picture is from Tokyo. As you can see, I met Godzilla, and we got along quite swimmingly! And check out that gorgeous sunset! Ah, that was quite a day! Yep. The 'Zill and The Deet. Good friends. Good times.

So you see, there's really no reason to be upset about not having my portrait done...no reason at all! Because I was in Japan!

Imperially,
Isis, Queen of EVERY Realm.

I Wasn't Home

Good day to you, Catfriends! It is I, Deter, Cat of the Ages! Queen of EVERY Realm, and such. I hope you are all well and happy, and I trust you're all awaiting Spring as eagerly as I.

Some of you may have noticed that I do not have a handsome new portrait, such as Delphi and Nero have recently posted on their pages. Well, whatever, I don't even care. Everybody knows that if I had been home, I'd have more portraits than ANYBODY. I wasn't home, so I don't even care.

Where was I, you ask? On Vacation. I went to Japan, to claim Mt. Fuji for the crown. What's this folly, you ask? Well, I direct you to exhibit 'A', which you will see directly above this journal entry (at least until I make a new one). This is the ACTUAL, completely authentic, and un-doctored photo of my conquest, and wasn't it a lovely day? Not a cloud in the sky, and it wasn't even cold up there!

So, you see, I wasn't the least bit concerned in regard to not having my portrait taken. Because I wasn't home. At all, even. So I don't even care.

So aren't you excited about SPRING?!

Imperially,
Isis, Queen of EVERY Realm

Blame the Servants.

Hello Catfriends! It is I, Deter, Cat of the Ages! I'm sure you've already seen that I've finally reached the 1,000 views milestone! I didn't notice it until this morning, to be honest, so I missed it by about 80 views. Sheesh. It's not my fault though. I blame Mom, of course. When in doubt, blame the servants. I can't very well blame myself, can I?

Anyway, I have a couple of proclamations relating to my thousandth view to pass along. Everybody listening? Ahem.

-It is hereby decreed that Isis, Queen of EVERY Realm, and Cat of the Ages thanks those loyal cat friends who have visited her page often enough to initiate Her Majesty into the Thousand Views Club. Today shall be declared a holiday and national day of rest and relaxation for all cats of the realm. Take a nap, bat a toy, or eat some treats in the name of the Queen today.

-Her Majesty also wishes to personally and publicly thank those two special cats who have given her rosettes to mark this momentus occasion. The cats in question have been The Deet's loyal friends for nearly a year now, through thick and thin. Even when Her Majesty's stupid servants fail to allow Us access to the computer, these two highly valued friends are still there, showering Us with affection and it does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. To Scooter the Lovely and Kazumi the Magnificent: Thank you for your faithful friendship, the fabulous rosettes, and for the many times you've viewed Our page!

And now, let the commemorative day of rest and relaxation begin! To your cat beds! Sleep! Play! Eat! Enjoy!

Imperially,
Isis, Queen of EVERY Realm

INVADER!!!

My realms are well-protected. Ever vigilant, I pride myself on my royal observance of security. I am instantly aware of an intruder, and yesterday's invasion was no exception. I've seen this brigand before; a mere slip of a fellow, but not to be underestimated. He moves so quickly, it's almost as though he anticipates my attacks even before I decide what to do myself!

I would admire this highwayman if it weren't for his cowardice. He is despicably evasive, and I hate his guts for it. Firstly, he provokes me with his completely unauthorized and intimate proximity to the royal body. Then when I attempt to lash out at him, he beats a hasty retreat, only to provoke me again.

Oh, he is a coward. But he is also an antagonist. I have made it abundantly clear that his presence is unwelcome in my realms. I have even gone so far as to scritch out a restraining order whilst doing my business in the royal litter closet.

He is flagrantly disobedient. Not only does he ignore my proclamations, he flaunts his continued presence! Twitching this way and that, he taunts me; his movements seem to mock my very self! The angrier I grow, the more insolent he becomes!

As if this weren't bad enough, I gather that my humans get some sort of sick entertainment out of my feud with this little beast. They giggle at my failed attempts to duel with him, and accuse me of 'chasing my tail'. How insulting. I know the difference between my tail and THIS guy, though I will admit they do look very similar.

My tail helps me jump with the grace and beauty as befits my station, and is readily available when I need a quick heat source for my chilly paws. This fellow only shows up and confuses things when I'm in a near-impossible cat-bathing position, and I REALLY need to concentrate.

Psht. Chasing my tail...ridiculous.

Imperially,
Isis, Queen of EVERY Realm.

AT LAST!

Finally, my dreams of having a true renaissance-style portrait of my royal self has come true! Something to really show off my beauty and grandeur! Marvel at my royal posture, and fabulous gown! See the air of authority born into these gorgeous features, destined to be writ into the annals of history, as La Reine la Plus Belle DANS TOUT LA MONDE! VIVE LA DEET!

There shall be much rejoicing throughout the land. As you all know, this day was already decreed a national holiday, in observance of the 20th year of Our friend Mister Coconut's life. We shall have food! We shall have drink! We shall make merry, and put the lime in the coconut (or some simulation thereof) 'til the wee hours of the morn!

The unveiling of this masterpiece merely sweetens the day, my dear Cat Friends. But let us not stand around and prattle away these precious 24 hours of celebration! We must seize the day! To your water dishes! Prepare to toast! Everybody ready? Excellent. Ahem.

TO COCONUT! A happy twentieth birthday to you, good sir! We applaud your handsome longevity, and wish you all your heart's desires! CHEERS!

*sip*

And now, we dance!

Imperially,
Isis, Queen of EVERY Realm

I Have Never Been Embarrassed in my LIFE!

Some of you may have read Nero's latest entry already. Well, I hope you know he's a liar. He totally is. I have never been embarrassed in my life. I can't believe I find myself having to defend my actions against a member of my own household! Well, here goes.

Firstly, I meant to do that. I didn't need Mom to catch me, Dad to rescue me, or for anyone to chase me around the house. I was trying to wear the balloon out before beating it senseless. Ever heard of a rope-a-dope? Sheesh.
Secondly, I always know exactly what I'm doing. I never act irrationally. Ever.
Thirdly, Regardless of what you think, I fully anticipated the outcome of all three scenarios.
Forth, I happen to always take time alone after a great adventure. I wasn't sulking, I wasn't embarrassed, and I didn't care anyway.
Finally, I totally showed that balloon who was boss. After all, it was gone within a week. Such is the power of The Deet.

I hope this cleared up any misunderstandings about Our Royal Actions. I don't expect Nero to understand the mind of a blue-blood, but rest assured, he'll pay for this misrepresentation. I feel a Tempest of Deet brewing. Mark my words, dear Cat Friends, you'll never see this type of slander from him again.

There. That should take care of that. I wash my hands of this whole thing. We shall not speak of it again.

Imperially,
Isis, Queen of EVERY Realm

I'll Have the Bavarian Sweet Mocha, Please!

Good Morning, Cat Friends! It is I, Deter, Cat of the Ages, and I have discovered something WONDERFUL! It is Mom's Weekend Treat. She rewards herself for working so hard all week by getting a delicious Bavarian Sweet Mocha on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and I TOTALLY WANT ONE!

At first, Mom thought I was just being extra nice to her on weekend mornings, to show my appreciation for her not leaving to go to work. When she's drinking her fantastic coffee, I jump into her lap, and give her tons of headbutts, Nero style. I even press my mouth up against hers, in a very insistant kiss. These are both things I never usually do. Mom thought it was just because I love her so deeply. HA! Fat chance. I just want a taste of that sweet chocolatey goodness.

Mom says I shouldn't have chocolate, so I never get to taste the delicious coffee, but that won't stop me from trying my hardest to get a good whiff of it.

I am so in love with this coffee that I think they should rename it the Bavarian Deet Mocha. Yes. Mom will have to bring that up with the coffeehouse staff.

Imperially,
Isis, Queen of EVERY Realm.

A Christmas Grievance.

Dad TOTALLY missed the mark this year. It came in a package he wrapped, that was addressed to Mom. These gift tags are a silly formality. Every year, we go through this: Dad gets stuff, and ostensibly gives it to Mom. Whatever. Everyone knows everything's Mine anyway, so of course I was avidly interested in this gift.

Well. It turned out to be a couple of Japanese paintings. One of them was of cats. Several cats...who all looked EXACTLY like NERO! Um, HELLO? I'm SIAMESE and TABBY! Why in the world would I want a painting of some Japanese Bobtails? I like Nero alright, I suppose, but not enough to deck the palace walls with his likeness!

Of course, Mom was thrilled. She squealed with delight, and hugged Dad. So I guess, since she didn't complain, the painting stays, and probably in some prominent place. Bleccchhh, she has the WORST taste! Paper plates for cat meals, and Japanese Bobtail paintings on the walls...if she keeps this up, her days as the palace decorator are numbered.

Not to say that I haven't been the subject of a piece of art. I happen to be an excellent feline model. Nothing trashy, of course, just tasteful, regal art. There are several fine renderings of me, lovingly sketched on notebook paper by Mom or Dad. Why these have never found their place of honor on our walls, I'll never know. Something about the medium...ballpoint pen on college-rule paper isn't appealing? Well, call me crazy then.

By some amazing good fortune, however, Mom met a pet portrait artist at work, who does an excellent job of painting beloved cats and dogs in her spare time, so we're having our portrait done someday soon, I hope.

Anyway, until then, I guess Her Majesty will just have to wait, while the tailless wonder graces the walls. Hrrumph. Does this seem wrong to anyone else?

Imperially,
Isis, Queen of EVERY Realm.