Hetty Miep Wainthropp Investigates...

Human Error--Again!

My humans finally bought a new digital camera (the last one mysteriously quit working over a year ago). My human female took a new photo of me. Let me assure you that I still have ears, despite what the photo might lead you to believe.

Tagged!

I’ve been tagged by Cinnabar Flambeau to participate in a meme.

THE RULES: Each player starts with seven random facts about themselves. Cats who are tagged write in their own diary about their seven random facts. You need to choose seven cats to tag and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment that they have been tagged and to read your diary.

Seven random facts about ME:

1. I have a boyfriend that lives outside. His name is Orange. As you may have guessed, he is a large orange cat with a very gregarious personality. Even though we’ve never met face to face, we’ve had some very deep conversations with our eyes. I watch for him every morning at the windows by the deck. Orange left H. & A. a present in the Oregano patch for me. H. referred to it as “compost.”

2. I love ABBA! Dancing Queen, anyone?

3. I will eat anything green and living, whether poisonous or not. Past victims include oregano, basil, rosemary, jade plants, etc. For some reason, there are no longer green things in the windows for me to munch on.

4. I have a big crush on A.! No matter how nice H. is to me or how much A. ignores me, I always pick A. to snuggle up with.

5. I like to be in bed by 10:30 pm. And by “in bed”, I mean H. & A.’s bed and they have to be in it too or it doesn’t count! If H. & A. aren’t heading towards bed by 10:30 pm, I start reminding them with meows that it’s bed time. If they’re still not in bed by 11 pm, I get very anxious and aggressive (knocking things off of tables and beating up the other cats). If they’re not in bed by 11:30 pm, I pout, continue beating on the other cats, and run around so that they can’t get to sleep when they finally do go to bed.

6. I like to be fed at 5:45 am. A. & H. have the ridiculous idea that I should wait until 6:30 am, so I like to change the clock on H.’s nightstand so that she thinks it’s later than it is. (I do this by pushing on the hour/minutes buttons on top of the little clock.) Most of the time H. catches me; but earlier this week, I was able to advance the clock by 5 minutes without her noticing until later in the morning!

7. Even though I am the alpha cat of the household and resident bully, I occasionally have my soft moments. During these times, I have been known to roll around on my back and make soft mewing noises. Although I’d deny it if any of my siblings ever said so, I like when H. coos “Hetty Miep” to me during these times.

I’m tagging the following seven cats:

1. Shmool
2. Patchez
3. Sushi
4. Mackenzie
5. Dexter Jeebus
6. Deej
7. Misty

Too Much Information

I suspected something was amiss last night when A. & H. locked Hilda up in the study (ie, Lockdown). This morning, H. stayed up after feeding us at 6 am. She NEVER does that on Saturdays. She always goes back to bed.

Then they took Hilda away in the maroon box.

A. and H. came home later with the red box but without Hilda. H. told me that Hilda has an abscess on her anal sac that has to be lanced. She won’t be home until Monday.

My first thought was “Ow!”

My second thought was “Too much information, H.!”

It really makes me wonder what she’s telling others about me!

Lockdown!

Date: December 13, 2006

Time: 6:26 pm

Infraction: The defendant was caught repeatedly chasing her brother, Elvin, up and down the hallway and launching herself on his back. She was warned several times to cease bullying her brother or she would be “placed in lockdown.” She was also overheard threatening her other siblings, Hilda and Garp, with similar treatment when she was finished with Elvin.

Statement from defendant: “I’ve been framed! Again. Elvin told me he wanted to wear his beautiful Hetty cape. It’s true we had some problems getting it to stay on. That’s why I had to repeatedly launch myself on his back. His loud meows were meows of encouragement not of distress.”

Sentence: The defendant was placed in lockdown (the bathroom) for 15 minutes. While being escorted to lockdown, the defendant expressed her displeasure with language that was deemed “coarse”. Upon release, she immediately chased Elvin down the hallway and launched herself on his back again. The defendant was placed in lockdown for an additional 30 minutes to consider the gravity of her crimes.

Girls Gone Wild!!

Whew! I've finally recovered from Monkey Blue's awesome party this weekend. That's the most fun I've had in months! It was great getting away from the humans and my brothers and having a "Girls Gone Wild" weekend.

Unfortunately, my sister Hilda was a bit of a killjoy. She kept telling me to "tone it down."

Tone it down! No way--it was Girls Gone Wild time for me. At some point, Hilda finally left my side. I heard her mumbling, "Thank God Monkey isn't here to see this. I've never been so embarrassed in my entire life. Even Elvin..."

She can deny it but I saw her getting down with her bad self on the trampoline later.

Ah....good times!

Wish I could say more but...what happened at Monkey's party stays at Monkey's party.

Contagious Twin

I’ve caught Elvin’s Evil Twin. Mine calls itself Miss Hate. I didn’t believe Elvin when he described the Incredible Hulk-like transformation that happens, but he was right! I had no control over myself. I hissed at everyone—humans included (even lunged at my female human when she tried to pick me up). Miss Hate learned that the humans disapprove of her growling at Hilda, so she began silently menacing her. She would walk by Hilda when the humans weren’t watching and lift up her right paw and flex her muscle at Hilda. Whenever she saw her brothers, she would run after them and insist on sniffing their faces.

Today, Miss Hate ran some errand and left me here. My brothers and sister were all downstairs. “Hey, where is everyone?” I shouted. “Why doesn’t anyone want to play with me? Hellloooo??”

Miss Hate came back later (although slightly less hateful, she is still hissy).

H. has tried to calm Miss Hate down by letting her sit in MY chair. H. bought a new office chair for me a couple of weeks ago but, for some reason, she keeps insisting that it is her chair. I threw up on it so she would know that it was mine, and yet she still sat in it (after cleaning it up, of course). Next, I would sneak up behind her when she was sitting in MY chair and sink my claws into her bottom. Wow—those humans can really jump when they want to. Still, she insisted on sitting in MY chair. Last night, I overheard H. and A. talking:

H.: “Hetty Miep keeps sitting in MY chair!”

A.: “Do you mean Hetty Miep’s chair?”

H.: “That’s MY chair, dammit!”

A.: “Maybe Hetty Miep wants a chair too.”

H.: “Hetty Miep doesn’t need an ergonomic office chair!”

H. is right. I don’t need one. I aready have one. After her discussion with A., she even said, “I guess I’ll let her sit in my chair for tonight—so she’ll leave Hilda alone. She better not think that this is permanent, though. I really don’t like having to use a kitchen chair while Hetty sits next to me in my office chair.”

Hetty Miep/Miss Hate: 1
Humans: 0

So You Think You Can Sing

H. is upset at me for walking away in the middle of her song praising me. I’ve tried to be very polite up to this point but enough is enough. It’s time for the truth, and the truth is…H. can’t sing! And her songwriting skills (eg. lyric: “Hetty Miep Miep. Miep Miep”) tend to be rather pathetic too.

I decided it would be best not to encourage this type of behavior anymore. My sister had warned me a long time ago to nip it in the bud (literally): “Once she starts crooning her songs, like ‘shiver me timbers’ or ‘aye-aye matey,’ make sure to nip her on the leg or arm or it will NEVER end.”

The other night while H. was singing me her song, I had a horrible thought, “Oh my god, what if she starts singing her little songs outside of the house!”

Well, I couldn’t allow that! Despite my reputation, I do look after the best interests of my humans (and myself, of course). And I am a humanitarian.

Nicknames

H. is always coming up with new and more ridiculous nicknames for us. Today, she called me “Pom Pom Bottoms” as in “You’re not allowed on the counters, Pom Pom Bottoms!”

I don’t have a pom pom bottom!!

What is a pom pom bottom?

HettyQuarters

H. and A’s definition of HQ: cat tent also known as “Headquarters.” A resting place to be alternately enjoyed by all of the cats.

Hetty Miep’s definitionof HQ: HettyQuarters. To be used ONLY by Hetty Miep Wainthropp.

My siblings all know that HQ belongs to me. On the few occassions when I catch one of them in the tent, I run around the tent and bang on it with my paw until the tent is vacated. The other night, H. put her head in HQ when I was in there! She said she wanted to see what I was doing in there—like it was any of her business. I had to make it known to her that just because she can fit her head into HQ, that doesn’t mean she has a right to do so!

“Ouch! Hetty Miep bit my nose!” H. shouted.

“I told you not to do it.” A. said.

At least one of the humans shows signs of common sense.

Eyebrow Whisker Addict

My name is Hetty Miep Wainthropp and I’m addicted to eyebrow whiskers (preferably RIGHT eyebrow whiskers). I tried to keep this hidden (restricting myself to only eating Elvin’s eyebrow whiskers when he was being particularly pesky), but the addiction is now out of my control.

My sister Hilda has such beautiful curly eyebrow whiskers. I saw her sitting in the sun, and I swear--her right eyebrow whiskers were illuminated! It was too much to resist.

Hilda,

I’m sorry I ate your eyebrow whiskers.

Elvin,

As soon as those stubs finish growing out, they’re mine!

The Avenger

Last week, Elvin smirked at me in that annoying, smarmy way of his and I decided not to take it anymore.

So, yes. I did chew his right eyebrow off. And I’ll do it again if he ever gets that stupid smirk on his face!

Who’s laughing now, Elvin?

If It's Good Enough for One...

H. has no litter box etiquette. She is always trying to clean the litter boxes when I’m trying to use one, and everyone knows that I need two boxes to choose from. Still, I decided to humor her last night and use one of the litter boxes while she was cleaning the other one.

So there I am sitting in my litter box when she rips off the lid off of it! She “claimed” not to know that I was in there, and she immediately ran out of the room. But I saw her peeking around the corner, laughing, while I was trying to finish my business! So I jumped into the litter box that she had finished cleaning. Elvin was already in there but I squeezed my way in and finished my business before he did.

Then, for the rest of the night, H. & A. kept saying what bad litter box etiquette I had!

Me!!

Excuses

I had to have a stern talk with H. this morning. She has been very delinquent in transcribing my diary entries. When I confronted her, she had all kinds of excuses (new job, travel, gardening, etc.), which were rather weak. I gave her a hard look to let her know that the excuses won’t be tolerated anymore. She was very apologetic, but I’m not convinced.

I guess only time will tell.

The Ghost of Something Stupid

I was sitting with my sister in the hallway earlier tonight when she was possessed by the Ghost of Something Stupid. She began running around in circles chasing her own tail. That's right--her own tail! I was so embarrassed for her; I pretended like I didn't see her.

Eventually, though, I took pity on her and did what I'd want anyone else to do if that were ever me: I ran over and helped her catch her tail! It took us a couple of minutes but we finally caught it, and it defluffed itself and returned to its normal size.

Whew! A sister's work is never done.

Hands Off MY Bacon!

Last night I tried to help H. cook my bacon. She did not appreciate it.

When she was done eating MY bacon, she slumped over on the couch. She glanced in my direction and I saw a flicker of fear in her eyes before I pounced on her arm, bit her, and ran off. I hope that teaches her not to eat MY bacon anymore.

Get Out of My Bathroom & Keep Away From My Stolen Goodies!

The other day, after H. cleaned out MY litterbox, my sister had the nerve to try and use it! So I jumped in the litterbox with her and we both used it at the same time. Hilda did not like that at all. I hope that teaches her to stay out of MY litterbox. The other litterbox is the one that she and my brothers are supposed to use. MY litterbox is obviously meant for my use only. Hmph.

My siblings also need to stay away from my stolen goodies. If they want some, they can steal their own. I stole a lovely hard-boiled egg from H. the other night. She was making egg salad and didn't even notice me. I guess I must have started growling ("This is MINE--don't try and get it, H.!") after I grabbed the egg, because she turned and noticed that I had the egg. I bit down on the egg to secure my grip and the egg white fell off! Then H. chased me around the living room. I ate the egg yolk on the entryway carpet and H. was laughing too hard to do anything about it. Hilda and Elvin tried to get some of my yolk but I growled at them both.

Score Another One for Bags!

Lately, H. & A. have started calling me "Bags." Apparently I get little "bags" under my eyes in the evenings when I get tired. I think the name fits my siblings better. They all have flaps of skin that sway back and forth when they run. Not me! I keep my body trim and fit. I need it that way for my hit and run missions. The last couple of weeks have been good to me: I discovered that the pastry brush that H. and A. put in the dishwasher tastes good! Sometimes it will have olive oil on it, and other times it will taste like butter. I like to grab it in my mouth and run off down the hall with it so I can have my way with it behind one of the doors. Last week, H. caught me doing this and ran after me. She tried to grab it from me but I wouldn't let go; I even growled at her to stay way. It didn't work, though. Sigh. Now I'm banned from sitting on the dishwasher door.

Last night I scored some creme brulee. H. was so mad at me. She said I had no right to look so happy. She forgave me, though, because I'm too cute. That creme brulee was really yummy. It made me very sleepy. I can't wait to get more!

Fear Me!

When I growl, my people are supposed to fear me. That's right--fear me! No, don't laugh! Fear me!

Instead, they think I'm "cute" and say I have a "little girl growl". Whatever. This "little girl growl" keeps the other cats away when I'm eating their food!

The only problem is that it also alerts H. & A. to when I'm doing something that I'm not supposed to be doing (like stealing food from the other cats or the trash can). I don't even realize I'm doing it. It's just my way of saying, "Stay away! This is mine! Get your own--so I can take it!"

National Hero

H. just told me that I'm today's featured diary. I got so excited that I had to chase my brother (Elvin) around the house! A. said, "Wow, Hetty--you're a national hero! If only they could smell you!" He can be such a downer sometimes.

Sure, I smell bad right now, but whose fault is that?! Garp smells even worse. He had his entire body dunked in the sulfur solution. A. and H. tried that with me and they're now sporting several tattoos, courtesy of National Hero. They managed to get that smelly stuff on my legs but not on my torso. I hope A. & H. have learned their lesson. I love my humans but sometimes they can be a little...well, for lack of a better word....slow!

I am a hero, though! Thanks to my fine warrior skills, Elvin and Hilda avoided having to meet the evil sulfur bath solution. (Hetty Miep = 1; A. & H. = 0)

It seems like today should be a Spray free day, but I've already been squirted twice. I just wanted to help A. make the pancakes. Sure, I was going for a taste, but that's what the taste-tester does!

I've Been Picked!

I'm so excited I've been picked as one of today's diaries! It really makes up for yesterday.

Since H. and A. adopted me, I've had constant itching and it has spread to my sister and brothers. After numerous trips to our local vet, he recommended that H. and A. visit the dermatology specialist in Kansas City. The drive up was very long and I was scared, but my doctor was very nice. She thinks I have ringworm or kitty demodex. We have to wait a bit longer before we find out which. My brothers and sister are mad at me now. My doctor said we all have to get lime sulfur baths for the next six weeks. Yuck!

Spray: No Friend of Mine

H. has a new friend. She calls it Spray. Before Spray came into the house, I would jump on the kitchen counters and run off with my stolen contraband. I would hear A. or H. wailing in the background that I was "bad" but I didn't care. I also enjoyed terrorizing them while they ate. They never knew when "Quickpaw" might suddenly descend on their plates.

Now that Spray has arrived, the counter and plate raids have ended. It's not that I'm scared of Spray. Okay, maybe I'm a little scared of Spray. But it's only because Spray has such a quick temper!

Plants: 0; Hetty Miep: 1

Sometimes the plants try to steal my sunspot and I have to teach them their place. The potted succulent made a very loud crashing noise when I smacked it out of my way. Hopefully that will teach the others respect for MY spot.

Hit and Run

Last night, I jumped on the counter and grabbed a piece of the raw pizza dough. A. yelled at me, so I figured he wanted me to wait until the pizza was cooked. After dinner, I noticed that he'd left me a pizza crust on his plate so I took it. Then A. had the nerve to yell at me, wave his arms like an ape, and chase me around that house. I don't know why he had to be so greedy. He'd already had his pizza and obviously didn't want his crust. I made him chase me around the house three times before I dropped the crust. A. then puffed up his chest and told H. "No cat is ever going to get the best of A." H. rolled her eyes when he said that.