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My Diary

Diary of a Housecat: Day One

September 25th 2012 2:47 pm
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(Published in the online magazine the Golden Vanguard: se-cat-day-1

Well, I am finally free of that chaos they call a caboodle! Actually, the proper name for a litter of kittens is called a kindle, but that will be the last time I associate with the word ‘proper’. My brothers and sisters did nothing but roll around on the floor all day like little buffoons, plowing over each other and creating such a ruckus that I could barely get my cat naps in. I’m not going to miss getting nuzzled off my favorite teat (third one down, left side) or having to protect my tail and whiskers from those imbeciles all day. Mama said I was going to have my very own house, which suits me just fine. Now maybe I can lay in a sunbeam without getting pounced on.
A Woman showed up unannounced yesterday – at least no one told me she was coming – and stuck her big stinky head into our box, where I was in the process of schooling my siblings in the ancient art of revenge. I was so annoyed at this that I gave the Woman my famous ‘claw of death’ right across the balustrade they call a nose. Lo and behold, wonders of wonders, this made the Woman laugh with a sound like two squirrels in a hail storm, and she lifted me out of the box and actually pulled me into her face and began kissing me, getting blood all over my perfect fur and making me smell like some kind of pesticide perfume. I tried to finish her off but she managed to dodge my assault – for now. The next thing I know, the Woman shoved me into another box – a rather nice one, by the way, with rows of little holes along each side – and it’s off to the races, or whatever they call it these days. I gave a perfunctory show of feigned protest as I was led away, but in reality I was beyond excited to get out of that chaotic, dysfunctional family. I think I will miss Mama’s teat, and the way she licked my beautiful striped coat, but it certainly will not be something I dwell on, now that I’m getting my own house and all.
The Woman jounced me around inside that box so much I pissed myself, and she had the gall to laugh at that, as if it was perfectly ok to slide around in my own piss. She took me outside (such a HUGE place!) then into some big metal box where she climbed in herself and proceeded to fiddle with a bunch of strange gadgets while I watched through one of the holes while trying to avoid the stinky puddle. Where is litter when you need it!
Finally she took me from the big gadget-laden box and ushered me into my own home. Had I known what horrors awaited me, I would have eaten my way through the puddle and died with dignity. More later. Mama!


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