It's My Party and I'll Bathe if I Want To!

Yes, it's my birthday today. I'm 13 years old today. So how am I celebrating? I spent some time sitting in the window feeling my inner sunbeam, took a nap, slapped Banjo in the face for following me around, and had a bath.

With President Isabel's permission I have launched an exploratory committee to stir up the pot about my running for President of the United States. President Isabel has decided to use her super delegate vote to endorse Hillary Clinton for the 2008 Democratic Nomination. Then she remembered that she's not a Democrat. But she still wants Hillary because of all the remaining candidates she thinks she is the least scary.

"Obama is a duplicitous liar and a fraud," President Isabel stated in a recent press conference. This came on the heals of her announcement that she will not run for the Presidency this November. But the possibility was raised that she would flip flop on the decision if my campaign manager (Dad) fired me for urinating on his Temperpedic slippers that he got for his birthday from Mom. No word yet on my future campaign, but it's not looking too good. Dad says that he can't risk me urinating in the Oval Office. I keep trying to reassure him that as long as the Secret Service Keeps my box clean, and my food bowl full there won't be a problem. I don't think he's buying it.

Anyway, happy birthday to me!

Happy New Year Moo

Well little brother, it's almost 2008. Twelve years we'll have been together. You've moved with me at least half a dozen times, and this year you did it again. Only for the first time in a long time there are new cats involved. You've tried to take Banjo under your wing, but he didn't fit. Now sometimes I think you wished you had thumbs so that you could build a box, lead Banjo inside, and lock him away for the rest of eternity...or at least long enoughfor you to remember what it was like without him constantly following you around. But you really can't blame him for the desire to hang with the world's softest, cleanest, most magnificently perfect and wonderful cat on earth. He does have his merits. He's managed to draw Rosie's attention from you so you end up not getting licked as much.
And he is kinda cute, though not very bright.

Then there's Mama Cat. I don't think either of you have anything to say to each other on any subject, but at least you're not trying to kill each other, which in a house of 2 dogs and four cats is a really big deal. Everyone seems to be finding their place, and all is well. This must be what Glasnost felt like, but we have toilet paper.

Speaking of toilet paper we have some new cat litter. You seem to like it and pee in it heartily, but we know that if the box does not meet your exacting standards you will take a Dump of Vengeance. You've been most pleased lately your Excellency, and we hope to be able to extend to you the level of service to which you have become accustomed. Stopping the drought I think would be a nice gesture. We did start giving you more canned food, so how's about it?

You seem to be over your cold. I was worried this might be a repeat of the sinus infection of 2000 when I had to hand feed you water through a dropper and put a thermometer in your butt 2-3 times a day, and of course there were the antibiotics, which was at least in a liquid form. You and your sister with the holding of the pills...you couldn't just swallow them? But you're over the cold and back in the pink.

Otherwise, you continue to be the most Magnificent and Superior of Moos. You have reclaimed your rightful place on the bed, and are as warm, soft and silky as ever. Thanks for putting up with the journey. It's been a delight having you come with me. You are my special little guy. Have a great, healthy, and happy 2008 buddy.

It Is My Birthday--Worship Me Or Die!!!

Yes it is my birthday and you shall prostrate yourselves, don sack cloth and ashes, ply me with fish or I shall rain fire and brimstone upon all sinners who have not come unto my holy mountain to proclaim my worshipfulness!!

Now watch me strut *Stayin' Alive*

Well you can tell by the way I lick my butt
That I'm super clean
I'm a great big slut.

Kissin' butt and slappin' dogs
I'm a plumpy furry tuna hog.

But it's alright it's okay you can't look the other way
I'm so clean I'm so bright
Worship me or your crops will blight

Somethin' somethin' somethin' yadda yadda yadda yadda
Stayin' Alive stayin' alive.

Oh Brother!

What a day. Isabel hasn't been President for 12 hours yet and I'm already swamped with sycophantic reporters sucking up to me and bringing me tuna fish. Of course I take the fish, then I let them throw themselves at me like hapless salmon dashing themselves against the rocks of fickle futility.

At least things on the homefront are looking good. Dad finally figured out how to turn the laundry room into our own private bathroom without Rosie being able to come in and consume our fecal matter. Quite frankly I'm stunned he found the solution. He didn't come up with it on his own of course. Google told him how to do it.

Then being a thoughtful, giving lover I emailed sweet Yoshimi the instructions so that her parents could construct her own wonderland of waste in private.

Now that the box is sequestered I shall tunnel through the litter to her house, take her strongly in my arms, and sniff her kibbly fish breath. Mmmmmmm...fish breath.

Isabel's Inauguration

Good morning, I'm Shwalter Klondike, and welcome to coverage of the inauguration of the 44th President of the United States; Isabel Shellies Roverandom. It is an historic day as America swears in its first female, Jewish Canine President. Isabel has waved the limo motorcade and is walking to the dias on the Capitol steps. She is looking very dignified in her Ruff Rider Roadie harness. The coat is shiny, the eyes clear. Her parents are visibly proud of their little Shellies who came from the mean streets of North Carolina, overcame accute separation anxiety, and is now poised to take the oath of office and head the executive branch of the Federal Government.

Beside her is her loyal sister Rosie who has her own story of rags to riches as it were, coming from a neglectful home where she was mistreated and unwanted. She is about to become Attorney General and has vowed to prosecute animal abusers, setting new standards of sentencing, including bizarre and humiliating punishments.

Wait...they're stopping...Isabel has cocked her head to one side and has lifted her left paw. The secret service has moved into a shield position...

"SQUIRREL!!! SQUIRREL!!!" Agents are shouting and Isabel and Rosie have charged off Pennsylvania Avenue and are barking up a rather large oak. There is more barking now. Dogs from the crowd are at the tree now. The squirrel is up out of the tree and on a power line, well out of reach. Secret Service agents are breaking up the crowd now. Isabel and Rosie are back on the street with only furtive glances back to the tree just in case the squirrel is back.

They are approaching the steps of the Capitol now. Isabel is stepping over to some shrubbery and she piddles on it. I think we can take this as a sign that Isabel is going to be placing her stamp on a Congress that has been running amok lately.

She has taken her place at the podium. Chief Justice John Roberts is at the podium to perform the swearing in. There was some speculation that she would select someone else to perform this duty as she has repeatedly referred to Roberts as a, and I quote, "Pinhead." But rumor has it that she considers this her best opportunity to pee on him. Let's go now direct to the podium for the Oath of Office.

"Place your left paw on the Ultimate Dog Care Guide, raise your right hand, and repeat after me.

"I, Isabel Shellies Roverandom, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

"I Isabel Shellies Roverandom do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."

And that's it everyone. Isabel is now the 44th President of the United States. There is thunderous applause and barking. I here some meowing as well. Let us not forget that Isabel also received a large segment of votes from the feline population in November. She has yet to appoint of Scretary of Feline Relations which has some cats nervous, but with a feline National Security Advisor, CIA Director, and Press Secretary I have a feeling that the cats will be quite pleased with how this administration reaches out to the feline community.

Isabel is now preparing to deliver her inaugural address.

"My fellow Americans, it is with great pride and confidence that I come before you today to assume the Presidency. When I launched my campaign last Fall it was my hope that we could come together to bring an end to the inane stupidity of the Shrub administration and move this country foward, bringing America back as the leader of democracy, freedom, and compassion that she once was. The challenge is great. The Shrub has left America a shambles with the greatest defecit it's ever known, and bogged down in wars overseas with no end in sight. Across the country communities are passing laws designed to enable the genocide of entire breeds of dogs. Dogs are abused, trained to fight and kill other dogs, are neglected, are forgotten. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina it became obvious that the shortcomings of our society are most strongly reflected in the lack of value placed on pets by our civic officials who had no provision for the evacuation of animal members of families caught in the path of destruction. The challenge is great, but I believe our resolve is greater.

The Shrub administration's lust for war in Iraq has exposed us to new threats from terrorists and rogue states like Iran. Iran's President Mahmoud Igogetajob is a loose canon. We're gonna bomb the crap out of him, and Iran's nuclear facilities because let's face it--the UN ain't gonna do squat about it. In Iraq we are going to encourage democracy. But we need to face the reality that the Sunnis and Shiites hate each other's guts and most likely always will. And the Kurds simply want to have a place that is theirs. In accepting this we must realize that the only way to stabilize Iraq is to create a federation of autonomous ethnic regions with a centralized government to provide for the common defense and promote the general welfare (share the oil money). But there are two forces that threaten Iraq's future: Al-Qaeda, and Haliburton. To rid Iraq of this dual scourge we will be employing a new strategy, one that marries technology and bowel movements. Believe me when I say that they won't know what hit 'em.

But what of the "forgotten war" in Afganistan? Sorry President Karzai. Let's face it you're nothing more than the glorified mayor of Kabul, and a tool of the Shrub. Afganistan needs a dog based government to bring democracy, and rid the country of the Taliban once and for all. We will be leading an effort to replace the human government of Afganistan with an Afgan Hound government that we can trust to bring order and stop the killing, sniff out landmines, and restore hope to the children who have lost everything in decade after decade of conflict.

But what of America? Here we face the human stupidity of Breed Specific Legislation where dogs owned by irresponsible criminals, and uneducated neglegent people are executed, along with the gentle, well trained beloved pets of responsible families. Families are being torn apart all across this nation and innocent animals who never harmed anyone are being killed. They used to do that to people in a place we call Nazi Germany. We sent millions to war to stop that regime, but it happens to our animals every day. It was the great Mohatma Gandhi who said that you can tell much about a society by the way it treats its animals. If that is true then our society is a disaster! I say this genocide must stop! I say that a country that considers itself the leader of the free world should take responsibility for its actions, not blame and punish dogs for the ignorance and criminal activity of their owners! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A BAD DOG, ONLY BAD OWNERS! And I say to the Denvers, Detroits, and Prince George's Counties of America SHAME ON YOU!!! You don't have the backbone or resolve to fight the real problems in your communities so you kill dogs instead. You are a bunch of uncivilized, thoughtless, spineless weenies that shouldn't be allowed to reproduce! You degrade the human gene pool with your ignorance!

My administration's BSL Task Force will join with other groups to fight BSL and promote real solutions like preventing drug dealers and violent criminals from being allowed to own animals and prosecuting abusive and neglectful owners who will receive real jail time, not a slap on the wrist. And if your ill-trained animal kills you will be tried for capital murder, not the dog who was merely a victim of your negligence and cruelty. Those dogs will not be killed, but will be allowed to live in a feral dog preserve where they will hunt members of PETA who euthanize dogs they claim they will adopt out, and who promote and support BSL in communities like Denver where pit bull puppies are killed.

Nathan, my Secretary of Health and Canine Services, will be leading my administration's fight to pass Pet Evacuation Legislation so that never again will people be forced to leave their animals behind, or stay in harm's way to protect them. There are still thousands of animals that have yet to be reunited with their families and may never. There are thousands more who died in the storm. We are better than this! We must be, or we lose license to present ourselves as that shining city on a hill.

Sid my Secretary of Seniors and Surgeon General Little Bit will be promoting issues that concern our older canine citizens, and those afflicted with chronic diseases like cancer and diabetes.

And what of our economy? Our humans work harder for less money than ever before. They are strained by rising gas prices, huge deficits, and employers who cut their benefits while giving themselves pay raises. All the while our quality time with them is decreased. No more. We will be establishing the Four for Five Program where all people who have owned an animal for at least a year will be allowed to work four days but get paid for five so that they can spend more time at home with their pets. Members will also be allowed to take a three hour belly rubbin' siesta so they can rub the bellies of their furry pals. Those who do not have pets and would like to participate in the program may do so by attending pet ownership seminars, passing a rigorous licensing program, and adopting an animal from their local shelter. Those who take in pit bulls, and other BSL targeted breeds will receive additional benefits, and additional training.

And we will break our dependence on fossil fuels by using my sister Rosie's Atomic Pooper Collider which will generate clean energy and a useful waste product.

There is a bumper sticker that says, "Lord, let me be the kind of person my dog thinks I am." I challenge you to become that person, to transform the ethics of this country, to show the world the kind of society we are by the way we treat our animals. Ask not what your dog can do for you, ask what you can do for your dog!"

And with that the crowd erupts in applause. The President and Attorney General are chasing each other in big circles and are now running up Pennsylvania Avenue where they will undoubtedly pee on the rose garden and then commence what they are calling, "The mother of all inaugural parties." They have decided to go Andrew Jackson style by throwing a three month kegger at the White House where all citizens with animals are allowed to attend.

This is history in the making. The dawn of the world's first canine administration. God help us.
This is Shwalter Klondike signing off.

No Justice No Peace

Mom and Dad went away for a whole week and took those stupid dogs with them. So they think they deserve a vacation and we don't eh? Cats aren't good enough to take along eh? Well I showed them! I pooped on the kitchen floor and I pooped on their new sofa and I threw up on it too! What do you think of that eh?!?! What do you think of that?!?! Buoohahahahaha!!!!!!

I guess it was kind of nice to have the dogs out of the house for a week. But it would have been nice to go to the beach too. Morons.

When they came home I just pouted and sulked all over the place until Dad came to worship and praise me. At least he remembers that I am THE MOO.

I'm Free!

At last! At last! After seven years of being indoors I was allowed to return to the wild...well at least the backyard. Dad's been noticing me going to the door when the dogs go out and knows that I want to be outside. He promised he would start letting me when the weather got cooler and today was my big chance.

It was great. I was climbing, jumping, exploring, sunning myself. It was spectacular. Then the next door neighbor's dog came over to the fence to check me out. Now I like dogs. I'm rather fond of them. I creeped closer and then realized that this was not a dog. It was a giant wooly 60 foor high yeti or something. It eclipsed the sun and was rather intimidating, though he did not once back at me. Still I thought it best to head to the door before the yeti got any ideas.

I enjoyed my little taste of freedom. Dad says he'll let me out again and says that I can even play in the snow. After all I am mostly Norwegian Forest Cat. Snow's what I'm made for. I hope it snows soon. Though with it going into the high 50's this weekend I doubt that snow will come anytime soon. But a guy can dream can't he?

Election Night Coverage

This is Tim Russet Potato reporting to you live from Election Central. The polls are open and the magic chalkboard is out. So far Isabel has jumped to an early lead in the voting. She has gained sweeping support from Catster, a major surprise for the Shrub camp who foolishly thought they'd have the cat vote locked up. Little do they remember that it was Socks the Cat who occupied the White House during the Clinton administration.

In fact, the voting on Catster is more vigorous than on Dogster so far. Looking at my magic chalkboard Isabel is doing well in the liberal northeast, but has a large groundswell of support in the Gulf States in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the event that launced this eleventh hour campaign by the scrappy dog from North Cackolacky. It could very well be that a dog will break the long held Republican hold on the South.

We project that Isabel will also take states with BSL enacted due to her strong stance against this discriminatory legislation. It will be interesting to see how she does in Denver, a city she has threatened to invade if their BSL is not repealed.

Stay tuned for complete election coverage.

We've been scanning the polls. Isabel has gotten votes from Maryland, Montana, Pennsylvania, California, even those gone to Rainbow Bridge are sending in absentee ballots. The Shrub completely ignored the RB voters which in the end could be a crucial mistake. Though, with voting now having been on for close to 12 hours, the Shrub has not received one vote on Dogster or Catster.

Nov 1st 8:25 EST
The polls are still open and the Isabel/Isobel juggernaut is gaining momentum. More than 50 votes have been cast--all for the canine candidates. Isabel has picked up Michigan, New York, and New Jersey. But the big story is Kentucky. Kentucky went solidly for the Shrub in 2000 and 2004, but now in 2005 it is leaning decisively to the dogs. You name it, people are mad about it--Iraq, the price of gas, the crapola economy, hurricane response, Valeriegate, Barry Bonds not kicked out of baseball--it's all coming back to bite the shrub on his patoot.

My magic chalkboard is on overload. It is almost mathimatically impossible for the Shrub to get enough electoral delegates to win. At this point it would take a full scale invasion from the planet Remulak to stop the tide.

Wait...wait...I'm getting a message now that Isabel's Press Secretary, the Magnificent Moo Cow is about to make a statement. Let's take you to Isabel/Isobel headquarters live.

"Good evening. We are quite pleased with the returns so far. Isabel has taken a commanding lead in this unprecedented election. Even though the Shrub has not gotten one vote, the candidate has stated that she will not declare victory until after the polls are closed and all the votes have been counted. Due to the nature of the Internet the polls are remaining open until midnight November 3rd (Thursday). That's all for now."

And there you have it. A cautious dog, clearly leading in the polls, but not wanting to discourage the democratic process. Man I'll be glad when I don't have to call the Shrub President anymore. And in the end, that's what this election is all about.

The Great Debate

The following is the transcript of a debate held between Supreme Idiot George W. Shrub, and Dog Party challenger Isabel. The debate was moderated by Benjamin Franklin who was channelled by a psychic named Madame Momadame Fananafana Fofadame.



BF: Good evening. My name is Benjamin Franklin. Most of you may remember me as the inventor of bifocals and the postal service. And maybe for makin' it in the bell house of Independence Hall with Betsy Ross. Tonight it is my esteemed pleasure to moderate the only debate to be held between the Supreme Idiot of the United States George W. Shrub and Isabel T. Dog--candidate for President of the United States. We will begin with opening statements from both candidates followed by a series of questions. Each candidate will be allowed a one minute rebuttal.

The coin toss backstage was won by Isabel who has elected to receive.

Isabel, we'll start with you.

I: Thank you Mr. Franklin. And let me say what an honor it is to participate in a debate moderated by such a renowned dead historical figure such as yourself.

I have lived with my family for two years now in the post 9/11 world and have had to endure the constant anger and deep resentment of my parents toward the pea brained idiot with whom I share the stage tonight. At first I found it amusing, seeing them yell at the television, and throw pens at the screen everytime the phrase 9/11 came out of his mouth. Then Hurricane Katrina struck.

The pitiful response, or should I say lack of response, of this jackass who calls himself the President while humans, dogs, cats, and other animals suffered and died enraged me to the point that I could no longer contain myself. I decided to challenge the Supreme Idiot to a special election, to use the democratic process to unseat this submoronic idealogue from the seat of power.

It is with this hope that I come before you tonight, to plead my case to the American people, to bring light where there is now darkness. To bring intelligence where there is now complete ineptitude and stupidity.

BF: Thank you Isabel. Mr. Shrub, your opening statement.

Shrub: Uh...9/11. Osama bin Laden. Evil doers. Tax cuts. We're gonna get them folks. We're workin' hard. It's hard work. Nucular weapons. Saddam Hussein. Weapons of mass destruction. 9/11. Swift boat veterans for truth...uh...9/11.

BF: Uh...yeah. Okay. First question is to you Isabel. What do you consider to be the priorities of your potential presidency.

I: I believe that is was the great Mohatma Mohandes Gandhi who said that you can tell much about a society by the way it treats its animals. This is a country plagued with the scourge of puppy and kitten mills where animals are nothing more than breeding factories for the profits of their human masters. This is a country where communities penalize and murder animals because of the irresponsible care of their owners. This is a country where hard working people are crushed under the weight of artificially inflated gas prices, health insurance costs, and the highest infant mortality rate in the entire industrialized world, while its military veterans are systematically stripped of their benefits--their reward for bravely serving their country. If dogs and cats are made to suffer in puppy mills, and pit bulls are euthanized to shield humans from taking responsibility for their inability to care for them properly, what hope do humans have?

I will bring about an end to Breed Specific Legislation in America, first by launching a full scale invasion of the city of Denver if they don't repeal their BSL. I will use all our resources to shut down all puppy mills in this country forever!

And we will increase the quality of life for all domestic animals with the Four for Five Program. Every human who has owned a pet for at least one year will only work four days a week, but get paid for five. Employers will be compensated with generous tax breaks that will be offset by a 100% tax increase on all Haliburton share holders. This program will allow humans to spend more time with their animals, while creating greater incentive for people to adopt animals from area shelters.

BF: Mr. Shrub you may have one minute to rebutt.

Shrub: Uuhhhh...9/11...Osama bin Laden...evil doers...Homeland Security...Saddam Hussein...weapons of mass destruction...yellow cake...9/11...evil doers.

BF: The next question is for the Shrub. Mr. Shrub you blew the largest budget surplus in the history of the United States crippling the economy, and crushing the middle class. You then lied to the American people to justify a war in Iraq that has left our effort to fight global terrorism in a shambles. How is god's name did you manage to win a second term as Supreme Idiot?

Shrub: Uuuhhhh...9/11...Osama bin Laden...evil doers...Swiftboat Veterans for Truth...stay the course.

BF: Isabel, your response.

I: Ya know, I could stand here and run off the litany of stupid, irresponsible, and destructive things this jackass has done, but I think that would be a complete waste of everyone's time. If it isn't patently obvious that this man is the most inadequate leader of this country since I don't know, Warren G. Harding, than you're either in a persistant vegetative state or dead. But for those of you who are still drinking the kool-aid I will quote one more time from Bill Moyers' address to the Inequality Conference at NYU in 2004.

"These deficits have been part of their strategy. Some of you will remember that Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan tried to warn us twenty years ago, when he predicted that President Ronald Reagan’s real strategy was to force the government to cut domestic social programs by fostering federal deficits of historic dimensions. Reagan’s own budget director, David Stockman, admitted as such. Now the leading rightwing political strategist, Grover Norquist, says the goal is to “starve the beast” – with trillions of dollars in deficits resulting from trillions of dollars in tax cuts, until the United States Government is so anemic and anorexic it can be drowned in the bathtub.

"There’s no question about it: The corporate conservatives and their allies in the political and religious right are achieving a vast transformation of American life that only they understand because they are its advocates, its architects, and its beneficiaries. In creating the greatest economic inequality in the advanced world, they have saddled our nation, our states, and our cities and counties with structural deficits that will last until our children’s children are ready for retirement, and they are systematically stripping government of all its functions except rewarding the rich and waging war."

BF: Point well taken. In fact, the more I think about it the more I think this entire debate is pointless. I have discussed this matter with the other Founding Fathers and we have decided that if the Shrub wins this special election we are going to come back as zombies and eat the brains of every American until there are none of you left. We gave you the greatest system of governance since the ancient Greeks and you've completely screwed it up by letting these morons screw you over with their tax cuts and phony wars and ineptitude. Quite frankly I have to say that John Adams was right. The majority of you must be a bunch of stupid morons who can't be trusted with the power of voting. Most of you don't use it. You just sit there and complain while your leaders flush you down the toilet. It's disgraceful!

When King George was screwing us over with his bs taxes do you think we just sat back and took it? Hell no. We kicked his ass! Get with it people! As far as I'm concerned it's about time that the dogs took over. From what I've heard tonight I do not doubt that Isabel will do a better job of running things than this idiot you people elected. I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore. I'm going back to the Dead to get drunk.

VOTE ISABEL/ISOBEL because humans are obviously too stupid to run things! Good night!


At this point there was a flash of light and a bizarre noise that sounded like a creeky door farting. Then Franklin was gone. Isabel left the stage while the Shrub continued to stare at the camera blinking like a baby bird and muttering to himself. He may still be there.

Election Day Draws Near

Election Day is just around the corner and we here at Isabel/Isobel headquarters have been busy bees. Quite honestly there is so much to say about the Supreme Idiot and his Turd Blossom that it's almost unfair to even address it so I won't.

We challenged the President to series of debates but he declined. Apparently he feels he has spent enough time stringing more than two words together to form sentences. I personally think we're doing him a favor by having this special election. When he loses he can go back to doing what he loves most--swilling beer and choking on pretzels.

And quite frankly I'll be glad when I can do a press conference about the issues and stop dealing with the Swift Dog Veterans for Truth. Their allegations that Isabel is really a lazy slowpoke are completely unfounded. The fact that she could care less about being an agility dog only reflects her independent spirit; the quality that made this country great, at least for the first 15 minutes or so.

I know. It's hard to believe that I'm so involved in this campaign. But I really believe Isabel can do a better job than the Shrub. And if Rosie can develop the Atomic Pooper Collider safely, and without me smelling her foul Massive Power Poos, then I'm all for it (especially if that means that she'll stop tackling me).

I have to prepare to address Catster now so I'm gonna bathe now. Unless of course I get some of those salmon treats Dad got me. Then I'll eat that and then bathe. Then I'll smell like salmon--makes me irresistible to the ladies.