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Dearest Baba Boy

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the bill is payed and you will come home!

September 26th 2011 1:01 am
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almost a year after your passing,you will finally come home.
we can put the event's behind us and be together again.


happy birthday sweetheart!

May 14th 2011 10:43 am
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your first birthday without us.
but i also must tell you that we won the court case against the woman who's dog killed you.
she must legaly pay for your cremation.
so soon you will finally arivve here at your home my sweet boy.
we miss you and love you forever and not a week go by or we talk about you and how it would be if you would just walk up the cat stairs again...
alive and well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wishfull thinking huh?
but we just are not there yet to let your memory go.
we will let you go one day but not yet.
it is to soon.


it has been some time sweet boy.

January 20th 2011 8:30 am
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and i'm sad to write you are still not home.
i still haven't been able to pay for your ashes.
and mom and dad are back together in one house now.
a month ago we wanted to get a divorce,but now we , yet again , trying it again,because we do love eichother and we have amira...
we will see what God has planned for our marriage.
i hope he sees our struggle and sees our effords to make it the best!
mimi is getting big..
you would have loved playing with him.
issabella bastet still lives with granny,but bella is home.
but she still escapes from time to time.
she hates the inside live.
amira is good and becoming a big girl now.
she still talks about you from time to time,especially if she sees a black cat on the street.
she will yell,hee Baba!
i can't look at this page a lot
i still cry.
and it took a lot of strenght just writing you again.
i hope you can forgive me that you aren't home yet.
i feel awful about it and i feel like i failed you again.
but i can now finally love mimi like i loved you.
it took a while because i was afraid to get close to him,afraid to loose him.
but i'm over that now and he is a great comfort to me.
bastet loves you and she is yours until eternity...
anyway,i'm lost for words now,so i will stop.
i love you baba-boy
i miss you dearly and how i wished you were still here with us.

until we meet again

love your mom


i'm sad

October 23rd 2010 11:41 am
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my sweet boy...
bella and issabella are living with grandma.
bella had issues after your passing,so to calm her we let her live with grandma....
we only have mimi now and misty and lotus.
dad and i are seperated,we just couldn't deal with things anymore...
we need time for ourselves to figure out how we must go on.
so that's the reason that i haven't writen in your diary for a while.
i'm sad and i feel alone.
you are still not at home,simply because i don't have the 150 euro's to pay for your ashes.
the woman will not pay and now that i'm alone,i will let it be...
i don't have the strenght to take it to court.
my priorities are with my daughter now.
and that takes all my time.
i have to many things going on right now and going to court is something i cannot handle with all my other problems
i think i will be able to get you home next month if i get my pay check.
i can't look at your pages...
every time i do i feel devastated and guilty that you are not home yet.
i'm sorry baba.
and i miss you so much....


my sweet boy,how i miss you.

October 12th 2010 5:20 am
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last night dad and i talked for a long time.
as you knew when you were still alive,mom and dad have been having marrige issues,and today dad went to see the doctor and got medication for his depression.
that's a hopefull thing for me.
i have a appointmend set for tomorrow to talk about my own feelings...
your death opened a pit for us...and it's time to digg that pit out now.
start a new hole,without the black mudd in it.
yesterday dad called the woman from the dog.
they ended up in a fight.
she doesn't want to pay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so this morning(again)we pressed charges against her.
now we will leave it up to the police.

(staring in the air for a moment)

so now it will get ugly.
we tried to handle it as nice as we could.
we will pick up your ashes ourselves tomorrow and you will not have an urn,but a little tin can(we will buy an urn ourselves...),just to make it as cheap for her as we can.
for us,it's a matter of respect that she pays for your cremation.
not because we want her money or to make things difficult.
we are of oppinion that she should respect your spirit by paying for your cremation.
and i'm very upsad with her behavior.
she even said to your dad "why don't you leave him behind there..."
dad went furious and told her that she was a mean and rude woman....
that we would NEVER leave you behind and that you would come home to your family.
and than he slammed up the phone.
tears welled up his eyes and we looked at eichother in silence!
your death crushed us,but also is making us looking at our lives and our way of living with new eyes.
so you created new hope.
and i believe it's you that is whispering in our ears to start over....
to take new steps and to adress the problems we have so we can enjoy our lives again.
so slowly i can see why god took you........
we needed to see ourselves and it needed a huge shock to open our eyes.....
when bull-boy died,we just went on with our lives.
we were so broke down,but we did not give ourselves the time to grief.
and when dad and i spoke ,we spoke out how much we still miss our bullie...
we will also take time to grief for our other sweet boy....
tomorrow we will visit the spot where we put bullers to rest.
tomorrow you are home again.
for always.


O Baba...

October 11th 2010 1:07 pm
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it's not going wel with me at all
i'm having a complete emotional breakdown.
tomorrow it will seek profesional help for myself.


i had so many nightmares last night.

October 9th 2010 8:40 am
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i was an awful night,with awful nightmares and fears.
when i woke up this morning it was a beatiful fall morning...
it was warm and there was some fog on the lake...
i used to love waking up and looking at the lake in front of our house complex...
but now i have differend feelings when i look at it.
in that lake your life came to an end.
i will never look the same way at it.
i looked at your sun spot...
you would lie there every morning.....
it was normal and you would never break that habbid...
if i woke up,you would lie on that spot,i would give some cat knibbles and you would say purrrr....
now i wake up every morning ...looking at that spot...
but you will not be there!
never again!
we can pick your ashes up next Wednesday ...
than you will be home with your family again.
i will create a special place for you in our house my sweet boy...
i would prefere as close to us as i can...
i think it will be the table between our two sofa's......
i will make a beautiful picture and i will put it in a frame next to the urn.
and ofcourse candles for a very sweet and brave boy.
we went on a long walk with amira today,taking her to every play ground in our neighboorhood there is...
we just needed some peace,and we can only find that right now if amira is doing things that make her laugh.
that way we feel the day is worth while.
silence will fall in our house again if she sleeps,but she will not feel the pain.
we keep it to ourselves...she is to young to understand it.
bella is starting to act strange now to..
she keeps on miauwing the whole day long....
it works on our nerves,but we try to comfort her.
o baba,i wish you were home.
we need you!


I haven't slept one good night sinds you died.

October 8th 2010 5:14 am
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i had a bad evening yesterday....
i just couldn't stop crying.
the walls were coming at me and i could just scream out loud.
but would it help?
you would still be gone from us.
your dad was sitting on the couch,staring in the air,face with sighns of big stress,and i was sitting on the ground...sobbing,sniffing and sighing.
and than we just went to bed early again...
what can we do more?
when i woke up this morning the first thing that went of was that awful nasty phone again...
the crematorium called saying they were going to cremate your body today and if my wishes had changed????????????
i said no!
so today i again must call the police,they will call the crematorium about the costs and than they will call the woman with the costs she must pay....
amira is running around,laughing and asking for my full attention.
my heart says"please let me be"
but i don't expres it to her!
how could i?
she's only a little baby girl,she doesn't understand why we are sad.
i tryed to do my house work shores again...
but all i can think of while vacuuming....
"there go's baba's last hairs that are in our house"
while mopping...
"now his last hairs are really gone"
and than holding back my tears because amira is looking at me while playing with her toys,giving me a smile.
it's so unfair!
that life's ways go on,while my heart stands still.
and than i look at misty,sleeping on her dog bed.
god forbids if i would loose her...
my life would stop!


a poem from my friends Angel, Merl & Macie

October 7th 2010 12:50 am
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When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
And I am not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you would not cry
The way you did today.
While thinking of the many things
We did not get to say.

I know how much you love me
As much as I love you.
And each time that you think of me
I know you will miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I would have to leave behind,
All those I dearly loved.

But when I walked though heavens gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.

He said " This is eternity,
And all I promised you."
Today for life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
For today will always last,
And since each days the same way,
There is no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Do not think were far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I am right there in your heart.


Again a day has past....

October 7th 2010 12:31 am
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and again here i sit,writing in your diary.
amira is at tottler school,your dad is taking a long walk.
he's an emotional wreck.
like i am to.
when the woman of the dog called me yester day afternoon and saying she did not want to pay for your husband went to the police and went thru with the charges against her...
we took the charges back because we wanted to give her a chance to call us and to talk about the costs for your cremation,what is the least she could do for you.
the police called her and they said you can either follow the offer from baba's owners,to pay for the cremation,or we will charge you for posesion of a dangerous animal and severe animal abuse.
here in the netherlands that means you will face real criminal charges,a crime record and a huge fine.
so now she will pay for your cremation(but not because she really wants to honor you,just because she has to)
i don't understand that she would be difficult about the fact she must pay for your cremation....
that she thinks money is worth more than your life.
yes her dog is gone...
i hate it,that now two animals are dead.
i never wished her dog dead.
i'm very sad by it.....
but for us is just a thing that paying for your cremation is a way from her side to honor you for the painfull death you went thru.
we can pay for your cremation.
but it's the least she can do for you!
this brings only more sadness to all the sadness.
ugh,some people.
i miss you so much.
with every hour that passes i miss you more and more
you arrived at the crematorium yesterday night.....
we talked about what we wanted for you.
and we will pick you up next week.
i still can't believe it.

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