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fear is the mind-killer

i will face my fear...

August 3rd 2012 9:35 am
[ Leave A Comment | 1 person already has ]

i will permit it to pass over me and through me.

but ONLY if i'm on the stairs.
i can be brushed on the stairs. all good things can happen...on the stairs.
i can be petted for a very, very long time.
on the stairs.
i can be brushed. on the stairs.
i LOVE chasing the laser animals up and down the stairs.
i absolutely love the stairs.

they are predictable.
always the same place. always the same length. always the same height, the same width.
and you've learned that my food dish goes on the third step from the bottom.
the stairs are good. life is good.

but i'm hearing bad rumors. bad juju. scary things about this house going away...and the stairs won't be coming with us when we go chasing another place. the stairs are my fixed point. my axis mundi.

how will i eat if there is no third step from the bottom?


fear is the little death...

November 2nd 2011 1:47 am
[ Leave A Comment | 1 person already has ]

that brings total obliteration. Kaya and Jadyn were moving closer and closer to the center of all that means warm and full and safe. K. is always closest to that center even when she is afraid-she can't lose her alpha status because of that. she keeps her power outside of herself. J. is less secure in that way, but more sturdy and compact, a power of dynamism, mercurial and arbitrary. she greets strangers with aplomb, but is equivocal with the dwellers in the house...with our people. no one worries our people more than Jadyn, the 'middle child,' the mystery cat, the cat who walks through walls.

and because of that, she appears even here. see? a family is a tyranny run by its sickest member.

i just can't quite manage that trick. my fears arise at such inconvenient times. and surface in such exasperating ways. yes, i am aware that the people in the bedroom on the other side of our staircase can hear me wailing at "stupid o'clock in the morning." i mean, you heard me over that C-PAP machine even though it's beeping for some reason, and has been for the last two months, and has been driving us all insane, so you sleep on your good ear and cover your bad ear-so OF COURSE the neighbors can hear me on the other side of this wall.

but today you were brushing K. & J. and i KNOW you wanted to brush me. and i TRIED to let you. really. but i couldn't.
so instead i'm screaming again on the stairway at stupid o'clock in the morning.

you understand that, don't you?

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