Blind Item for Page Six

What three-legged black and white cat, whose name rhymes with Fartie, keeps getting himself stranded on top of the dryer and loudly howls a seal-in-distress cry until one of the humans “rescues” him? An anonymous insider reports that the other cats are not happy that their access to downstairs is cut off when the humans aren’t home just because this cat hasn’t learned that he can’t jump down from the dryer.

Another Oath Broken

Even though Hetty Miep made me swear an oath to hate the kittens, it’s kind of hard to hate them. Life’s a lot better for me since they came along. Artie’s not trying to cape me every day, and sometimes I get lucky and find a piece of kitten food in the corner of the kitten’s room. Besides, Hilda and I were both rolling our eyes as we recited our “oath” in front of Hetty Miep. I kind of think that invalidates the oath. Sometimes it’s best just to humor Hetty Miep, though.

Kitten Food Confirmed

I knew I smelled kitten food! We have kitten food!

Oh, and two kitten siblings.

WE HAVE KITTEN FOOD!!! I WANT SOME KITTEN FOOD!!

Kitten Food?

I smell kitten food! Wait. Kitten food?

I want kitten food!

Good Boy Noted!

Thank you for all of the nice messages and rosettes regarding my DDP yesterday! My sister Hetty Miep was very jealous.

Hetty Miep: Why are YOU a DDP?

Me: Because I’m a good boy AND a good brother! I don’t hiss at poor little Artie when he’s in his recovery condo.

Hetty Miep: It’s part of the healing process! Artie would be scared if I didn’t treat him like I always do. He’s probably a little sad and scared that I haven’t been able to bop him on the head a couple of times a day.

A Good Boy!

You might have heard that ET (Evil Twin) has a tendency to visit after any of my siblings return from the vet clinic. During those times, I hiss and growl at my siblings and will physically attack them. My humans fully expected ET to appear after they brought my brother home from his amputation surgery, so they placed his recovery cage in the back bedroom and are keeping the door shut.

Yesterday afternoon when my female human went into the back bedroom, I snuck in behind her and ran over to the big cage before she could stop me. Inside was one of the most pathetic sites: my brother Artie wearing the cape of despair. I sniffed him and didn’t turn into ET!

This morning, I’ve been hanging out in the same room with Artie. Sometimes we’ll both start purring even though we’re not being pet! That’s right—I’m a good boy and a good brother!

The Talk

My sisters have already filled everyone in on the news that Artie’s leg is being amputated on Monday. Now everyone but Artie knows. He thinks he’s getting some special prize: a tripod.

I was so depressed after hearing the news that I wasn’t able to turn into ET (Evil Twin). And Artie clearly stank of the vet’s office!

My sisters say that it’s my responsibility to tell him the truth since I’m the elder statescat of the house, but this is one talk that I’m leaving to the humans.

At Last!

After years of watching my sisters (and new brother) being selected as Catster Diary of the Day, I was finally a DDP yesterday! Thank you for the rosettes and nice comments!

I was really looking forward to holding it over Hetty Miep’s head yesterday but she developed a sudden hearing problem, so I couldn’t tell her. Don’t worry, her hearing is back to normal today. But she doesn’t believe that I was a DDP yesterday and has even threatened to slap me on the head for lying to her.

I know the truth, though.

Birthday Madness

Is it over? I remember when birthdays didn’t hurt so much—hmmm, back before Hetty Miep arrived. Back then, they didn’t involve getting spanked by a greedy sister who doesn’t want to share the same birthday.

Thank you for the birthday wishes! HM tried to claim all of them for herself but I know some of them were for me. Don’t tell HM, but I still had a pretty good birthday. Artie and I are having fun playing and just being dudes.

HM is being a jerk to Artie. I guess she’s holding a grudge for the caping incident. She likes to hiss at him and trap him in tight places so she can smack his head a couple of hundred times. Total prison thug behavior. The humans said they are planning on re-introducing Artie to her while she is behind bars (ie, the cage). Seems fitting.

Sweet Justice!

Breaking news! Breaking news

On Monday, May 9, 2011, one Hetty Miep “the Cape” Wainthropp was caped by one Art Blakey (an eight-month-old disabled kitten). While Hilda and I secretly cheered, the male human sat stupefied on the couch. Towards the end of the event that will forever be known as “Sweet Justice!”, our female human (who was downstairs at the time) came running upstairs. She asked the male human what happened and he told her that Artie made Hetty Miep wear the cape. He swung his disabled paw around her neck and hopped on. Yee haw!!

Hetty Miep was not amused. She saw me smiling and ran over and smacked me in the face. Then, just to make sure Hilda didn’t think about smiling, she ran over and hit her on the head. The female human tried to pet Hetty Miep but saw the gleam in her eyes and thought better of it. I don’t care—it was worth it to witness “Sweet Justice!”