October 10th 2008 1:53 pm
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This morning my female human wanted to cuddle me before she left but she didn't want to sit on the couch and get my sisters' hair all over her pants. She called my name and pointed to the spot on the couch that she wanted me to sit in and I did! She said, "Elvin, you're a semi-good boy. You're the only one around here who does what I say!"
My sisters spent the rest of the day heckling me. HM said I might as well be a dog if I'm going to act like that and every time I was about to fall asleep, I'd hear one of them whispering, "Elvin is a semi-good dog" in my ear.
Sisters!
January 12th 2007 6:23 am
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My sister has been back from the vet since Monday. She claims she doesn't remember some of the conversations we had during the first three days she was back because of the pain patch she was wearing. She sure said some crazy things!
Hetty Miep is still a little mad at Hilda for some of the things she said, but I know it was the pain meds talking and not really Hilda. I'm just glad we didn't have to stage an intervention.
In other news: it's great to be one of the Catster featured diaries of the day!
In other other news: Hetty Miep ate one of my eyebrows again (this happened several weeks ago; it's difficult to get our transcriptionist to record these events in a timely manner).
January 7th 2007 8:53 am
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Normally, when it is time for the humans to sleep, I sleep at the end of their bed. Last night, though, I became worried when I didn't see my sister Hilda anywhere.
I ran around the house calling for Hilda to come out after the Humans went to sleep. I even ran up and down the hallway to try and get her to chase me, like she likes to do. No Hilda.
Then, I brought out the bouncy balls and batted them up and down the hallway. No Hilda.
I took the bouncy balls to the humans' bedroom and meowed for Hilda to come join me. Still no Hilda.
H. picked me up and hugged me. She reminded me that Hilda can't come home until Monday.
I miss my sister!
August 20th 2006 7:37 pm
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Garp and Hilda have been campaigning for an intervention for Hetty Miep. I’ve been trying to remain neutral. It’s true that Hetty Miep does have some issues (case in point, my right eyebrow whiskers will never be the same). But she can be a useful ally. And a very dangerous enemy.
I’m not so sure I can remain neutral much longer, though. The other day, I had just settled into enjoying the new box that H. specially ordered for me (H. even had the company pack two pairs of shoes in my special box just so that the box wouldn’t get damanged on the way to our house). After a couple of hours of napping in the box, I was playing the host and giving Hilda and Garp a tour of my new pad.
THEN, out of nowhere and without any warning, Hetty Miep jumped on the table (where the box was stationed) and ran around the box while banging on it (and us!) with her paws. It was like we were ping pong balls her her paws were paddles. Let me tell you, Hetty Miep has a mean right paw too! After she’d pushed us all off the table, Hetty Miep knocked the box off of the table (as a further testament of her brute strength) and then crawled into the box. When any of us tried to approach the box, Hetty Miep would thrust an angry white paw out of the box. “You want some?!” she shouted. “You think you can take me? Bring it!”
Then the next day, in a peak of madness, Hetty Meip determined that the only way she could protect “her” box was to destroy it. Yes, that’s right. Hetty Miep tried to attack (ie, chew up) her own box.
Yes, I fear my siblings are correct. An intervention is needed.
A. and H. have mentioned some “vacation” that they are getting ready to take. I think that might be just the right time to stage our intervention without the humans interfering.
July 13th 2006 6:47 am
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I've discovered that, in addition to myself and my sister Hetty Miep, Scooter and Aslan also have evil twins.
Does anyone else out there have an Evil Twin? If so, send me a catmail and tell me what your evil twin looks like. Mine looks like the Incredible Hulk. My sister Hetty Miep says hers looks like Cruella Deville!
July 9th 2006 5:11 pm
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I have redeemed myself by quickly overcoming EET after Hilda’s latest v-e-t visit. Now my sister Hetty is fighting her own evil twin. Last night, she was being especially hateful. H. sat me down and said, “Now Elvin, I’m afraid you’re going to have to take one for the team. Hetty Miep is still in a hateful mood and she also wants to stalk something. I want you to engage her in some play so she’ll leave Hilda alone.”
Well, I really didn’t want to be Miss Hate’s playtoy but I love my sister Hilda, so I complied. I believe the clump of my hair that H. found on the kitchen floor later has earned me a purple heart.
July 2nd 2006 6:15 pm
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Once again, I must reiterate: It’s not my fault.
Once minute I’m sniffing Hilda (who just returned from the v-e-t) and the next minute, I feel a weird transformation occuring. Kind of like when the Incredible Hulk went from a mild mannered wimpy white guy into some crazy green dude (freaky eyes and a body that looked like it had been given too many steroids) that felt the need to rip off his shirt. The same thing happened to me, only I didn’t have a shirt to rip off and I didn’t turn green.
Suddenly, I wasn’t Elvin anymore. I was…Elvin’s Evil Twin (EET). EET felt the need to growl and hiss at everyone (even H.).
EET was contained in “Lockdown” (which, remarkably, is the Study’s twin—same location, furniture, and dust) before being released later that night, but he continued to be a bit growly. Finally, after lunch today, Elvin’s Evil Twin departed. And he ate my lunch too! What a jerk.
July 1st 2006 9:06 am
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My weekend is off to a great start thanks to my good friend Phoenix, who loaded me up with lots of yummy treats!
I’m a growing boy. I need lots of treats! For some reason, my humans are trying to cut down on my growth. They say I’m a “big boy” (as if that could ever be a bad thing!). Apparently these treats are “calorie-free” though, so I can have as many as I want!
June 20th 2006 1:35 pm
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As I mentioned in one of my previous entries, my sister Miep ate my right eyebrow whiskers. They have finally grown back but they are all black. My left eyebrow whiskers are white!
I made my other sister Hilda stand at a distance to tell me how I look.
“Well, it looks like you still don’t have any right eyebrow whiskers. You look ridiculous! If I were you, I’d make sure to only show my left profile.”
“How am I going to do that!” I yelled. “This is all Hetty Miep’s fault! The next time I see her, I’m going to make her pay. She’s going to finally learn who the REAL boss around here is. She’ll wish she never—hey, are you listening to me. I’m going to…why are you darting your eyes back and forth like that?
Hetty Miep is standing right behind me, isn’t she? H., help!!”
June 15th 2006 7:06 pm
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Whenever H. leaves the house, she always appoints one of us to be “in charge.” When I say “one of us,” I, of course, mean one of us cats. Sadly, A. cannot be trusted. He is too easily distracted by what H. has termed “misguided priorities” (this seems to primarily mean his music but also includes food, books, his telephone, etc.).
But I CAN be trusted. So why am I so rarely left “in charge”? It’s always, “Hilda, you’re in charge” or sometimes “Hettie Miep, you’re in charge while I’m gone.”
Just because a few things got knocked off of the coffee table the one time I was left in charge, I’ve been labelled as “not reliable.” I apparenty “lack the authority” to keep things under control while H. is gone.
Why, I never!
March 21st 2006 6:54 pm
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Hear ye! Hear ye!
I demand an apology! For months, I have been hounded and accused of vile acts.
H. has followed me around the house, inspecting my paws and lecturing me about “big boy behavior”.
Okay, so I may be responsible for some of those acts, but I’m definitely not responsible for my sister’s self-mutilation. She may look sweet and innocent, but there’s some crazy stuff going on inside that little “white-chocolate flavored” kitty mind of hers.
Now, my most hated foe (you know who you are, Dr. White Coat) has made an about face and has declared my sister insane (I believe she used the word "allergies"--funny, that's the same thing they say about H.) and me a hero ("such a shame he couldn't come today. Hahahahahahahaha. Ahem. Anway.")
February 14th 2006 4:38 pm
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My sister Miep ate my right eyebrow.
Again.
I have one stubby whisker above my eye but that’s it.
I don’t remember it happening but I knew something was wrong when I saw my sisters in the corner giggling at me.
At least I still have my left eyebrow.
January 10th 2006 5:33 pm
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Dr. Kraft took my tooth and I want it back.
I don’t care if it did have a cavity—that was MY tooth and I want him to put it back in my mouth.
I hope he doesn't put my tooth on ebay. Then again, I could make H. buy it back for me. Otherwise, she's going to have to buy me a fake tooth.
January 3rd 2006 5:53 pm
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Dear A. & H.,
There is only one Elvin, and that is ME.
You insisted on calling that outside cat (that you only saw twice) Elvin II just because he slightly resembled me. I tolerated that.
I draw the line at you naming that stupid squirrel in the backyard “Elvin III”! It doesn’t resemble me in any way. Have your eyes become so bad that you’re unable to tell the difference between a squirrel and a cat?
Even worse, you can’t keep track of your Elvin III (or “Little Elvin”, as you now call him). You’re constantly pointing at squirrels that aren’t Elvin III and referring to them as “Young Elvin.”
Last week, H. spotted a squirrel resting on the fence post and worked herself into a tizzy, shouting at A. that “Little Elvin is dead”. Of course it wasn’t dead. And it wasn’t Little Elvin either.
Sigh.
The one and only
Elvin
November 21st 2005 5:47 pm
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H. only notices when I do bad stuff but she never notices when Hilda is bad.
Last evening, I was taking a leisurely stroll when I noticed that Hilda was following a little too close on my heels. I told her to give me some space. “Give me some space,” she said.
“Cut it out,” I said.
“Cut it out,” she said.
So I had to growl at her and chase her around the house. And I got yelled at!
I retired to HQ (H. & A. call it the “cat tent” for some reason. They seem to lack the ability to plainly see that it is headquarters and only used in times of crisis). I thought about it for so long that it exhausted me and I fell asleep.
November 6th 2005 11:29 am
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On pumpkin night, H. and A. locked us all in the basement.
I heard them upstairs making food (and even giving some away anytime the doorbell would ring!). Miep and I tried to break the door down. We made a lot of noise but . . . nothing. I know they heard us too!
Later, I was laying on the floor by the bed and H. tried to get me to snuggle with her. "Elvin, come here. El-viiiiiiiiiiiin. Elvin? Elvin, I see you over there! I know you can hear me, Elvin."
Oh, are you talking to me? Sorry, I can't hear you.
October 26th 2005 3:51 pm
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So there I am sitting in my litter box last night, when Hetty Miep jumps in the box with me. And proceeds to do her business!!
I was angry and horrified but I refused to let Miep force me out of the litter box—I was there first! So I sat there and waited for her to finish before I completed my transaction. H. was laughing during the entire incident. I see nothing funny about poor litter box etiquette. She wouldn’t think it so funny if A. tried to use the toilet when she was using it.
Humans are so base.
I'm glad I'm not a human.
October 23rd 2005 6:47 pm
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I had H. transcribe the diary entry below several weeks ago. I know she did it--I watched her type it, but for some reason, she waited to post it until today. I was willing to give her the benefit of doubt when Miep told me that we might need to replace H. (Miep is always trying to create drama), but now I think she may be right.
I guess I'm going to have to write a position description and decide who I want on the search committee. I, of course, will be Chair of the committee.
H., are you writing this down? Are you posting it? I see your fingers moving!
October 23rd 2005 5:09 pm
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Dear Hetty Miep,
1) I would appreciate it if you would refrain from jumping on my back and attempting to ride me like some cheap merry-go ride. Do you see a quarter slot on my back?
2) Also, enough with the Hetty capes! Don't pretend you don't know what a Hetty cape is--it's what happens when you're done with your Elvin ride. You become angry that the ride is over and you get mean. You bite me on the neck, stick your paws in my eyes, and try to smother me.
3) When I crawl under the couch to get away from you, do not follow me under the couch. It makes it impossible to pretend that you don't exist if you're staring me in the face or gnawing on one of my hind legs.
4) My left eyebrow has finally grown back. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't chew it off like you did a couple of weeks ago. I'm still getting a hard time about that from Hilda and Garp.
Elvin
p.s. And quit calling my Lumpkin! Only H. can call me that and only when she has salmon treats.
July 30th 2005 7:49 am
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Why am I always the usual suspect when anything bad happens around here?
I did NOT scratch my sister's face. Hilda probably scratched it herself. Or how about my older brother? How come he never even falls under suspicion?
I didn't do it. That's what I told H., and I'm sticking to my story.
July 23rd 2005 7:19 pm
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I am NOT a coward.
It is true that I jumped in the high bathroom window that I’m not allowed to jump in. It is true that this caused the window blinds to come crashing down.
I did NOT yowl in fear. I meowed in triumph. I conquered the blinds!
It is NOT true that that my male human had to rescue me from the window. He was acting as my servant and responding to MY command for the human elevator (“Going down from one high window to the floor, Jeeves”).
July 5th 2005 1:26 pm
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I hate being the middle cat.
I get yelled at for being “too rough” with my sisters. H. says, as their older brother, I should know better. I also get in trouble for playing “too rough” with my older brother because he’s a “senior citizen”. H. says I should have more respect for my elders.
This weekend, I thought I’d be a good big brother to my sisters by retrieving our play string from the kitchen shelves. Only instead of retrieving the play string, I retrieved the entire roll of string. H. was not happy when she came upstairs and saw the yards of string strewn across the house.
All was forgiven later that night, though. Hilda has been sick (sneezing and watery eyes) this weekend, so H. says I have to extra nice to her. I was laying in the cat bed by the hallway when Hilda came and plopped into the bed with me. It wasn’t really big enough for both of us but I was nice and shared it with her anyway (see the photo of us sharing the bed).
June 13th 2005 11:51 am
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I was sitting on H.'s chest yesterday morning while she was sleeping. When she woke up, she said, "I can't breath. What's on me?"
A. mumbled, "Big Boy."
I looked around and I didn't see that Big Boy anywhere! I'm starting to think that "Big Boy" might be A.'s invisible cat. How cute.
Later, while in the kitchen, H. said, "He is getting kind of big." She was staring at me but I'm sure that she was talking about Garp. She gets us confused sometimes.
June 6th 2005 4:33 pm
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The mystery behind the itching has been solved: Hetty Miep gave us all ringworm! Now we all have to take really yucky tasting medicine every Saturday and Sunday for a month. When H. went to get our medicine, she found out that the pharmacy got my name and Garp’s name wrong. They said my name was Eldon!
Eldon!!
My name is Elvin, dammit. Not Eldon. And not Alvin, even though my human grandmother put “Alvin” on my xmas stocking. That’s okay, though. I got kitty treats from her. The pharmacy did not give me anything good. They can call me MR. Elvin.
April 5th 2005 5:22 pm
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The other night I overheard A. whisper "He's getting to be a BI-IIIIG BOY!"
This did not make H. happy. "He's not fat! He's very solid!"
A. quickly retreated. "I didn't say he was fat--just that he's getting big. Very big."
I wonder who this big boy is and why A. and H. were both staring at me while talking about him.
I bet this big boy is getting all of my food. Lately, A. has been giving me pauper portions. Doesn't he understand that I'm going on five years old--I'm still a growing boy!
March 16th 2005 12:30 pm
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I'm going to have to keep a low profile around here for awhile. I'm being blamed for all sorts of ridiculous things: my sister's acne and my brother using his stomach as a chew toy. I really have no control over what they do with their bodies. Last night, A. gave me a lecture and told me that if I don't "shape up", he'll "ship" me out. Then A. got a lecture from H., who told him that he should be ashamed of himself for using such a mean tone of voice with me & that he should be soft and affectionate with me ("lead by example" were her exact words) instead of being such a braying jacka**.
Things would be a lot better around here if the other cats would stay out of my way. Never a moment to myself around here--everywhere I go, I see one. Sometimes I'll catch one of them giving me a dirty look, or thinking about giving me a dirty look, or looking a little dirty and I can't help myself. I have to pounce on them!
February 7th 2005 1:00 pm
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I finally got to meet the new cat this weekend. It was a little confusing because H. kept saying, "Do you want to go meet Hilda? Are you ready to meet Hetty? You're going to love Hilda, I mean Hetty." She can't seem to keep the names straight. It's like when she calls me Garp. Do we all need to wear nametags for her? I'm still not too sure about this Hetty. She looks a little like Hilda, but she's not as nice as Hilda. She only comes up to my shoulder (must be one of those midget cats I've heard about) but she seems to think she's the boss of me! I was having a good time exploring her litter box and laying in her bed, but that constant growl in the background really put a damper on things. I was a gentleman and didn't hiss or even growl back at her. H. gave me several Pounces, and she NEVER gives me treats (she's kind of stingy like that), so I guess it was worth it.
Hetty really made an ass of herself last night. I was laying in the bed, which was pressed against the cage that Hetty was in. H. decided to let Hetty out of the cage, and Hetty ran around the bed making pathetic little noises. If they were louder, I might have thought they were growls or hisses. After working herself into a frenzy, the midget ran back into the cage and attacked the side of the cage that was touching the bed. Ooooh, I'm so afraid! She did this a second time before finally getting enough nerve to run over to me, make that weird little noise again (could that be a hiss?), and swat me on the head. The entire situation was so absurd that I thought I was dreaming. I closed my eyes and dreamed of more kitty treats.
January 21st 2005 2:04 pm
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I've finally recovered from my trip to the vet. The actual vet visit was fairly routine: I growled at anyone that got near my cage; I growled at them once they let me out of my cage (do you know how hard it is to growl while you're eating kitty treats? It can't be done! They fall right out of your mouth. H. and the vet laughed at me for that. I'd like to see them do better.); and I acted like a psychotic maniac when they tried to give me my shot. It took them two attempts and a towel. The assistant asked the vet if she should weigh me when they were done. H. and the vet looked at the assistant like she was crazy. Back in the car, H. said she was mortified by my behavior and that I had broken my promise to behave and why couldn't I be more like Garp. Why does she want me to act like I'm scared stupid! I told Garp before Heather took us to the vet that if we both acted crazy, they'd leave us alone. Then, we get to the vet, and his paws start sweating and he freezes up on me! They thought he was "cute".
I'm glad I embarrassed H.. She lied to me! She said it would just be a short visit and everything would be back to normal once we got home. Instead, I felt horrible the next day--so bad that I didn't even feel like eating anything! Hilda didn't even care; she tried to move in on my food until H. and A. yelled at her for "pillow" behavior. Besides not eating, I allowed H. to kiss my forehead five times without even fighting it! I couldn't help it--I felt too weak to protest. She took advantage of me. Later, she told me that she'd been worried about me all day. Serves her right too. Teach her to lie to me like that again. She said she called the vet and he said to give it 24 hours. He also told her that they would have to sedate me if she had to take me back in. Well that was all I needed to hear. I made sure that I was back to normal today. I even woke her up an hour early to feed me.
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