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Herbie Life

Training Your Human

January 22nd 2011 12:15 pm
[ Leave A Comment | 8 people already have ]

Training your human is a thankless task.
"Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.

Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We're poised to usurp man's authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.

Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.

Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new Berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.

Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
as she's headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can't be all that bright),
They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...

When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn.)
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
but they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.

Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
then when they've had all the pain they can stand,
dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
and celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle's begun,
as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.

Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how.)
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.

Author Unknown


Leave A Comment | 8 people already have

Purred by: Jasper (Catster Member)

January 22nd 2011 at 12:27 pm

You're right! It is a thankless task! Never give up!
Purred by: WeBeesSiameezers (Catster Member)

January 22nd 2011 at 8:22 pm

We can relate to some of that stuff...MOL!
Purred by: ♥ Jezebel RIP ♥ (Catster Member)

January 22nd 2011 at 11:30 pm

I think I have mine trained pretty good - but they could always use some more work!
Purred by: Little J. (Catster Member)

February 4th 2011 at 7:06 pm

We think we will add that to our diaries...if you are okay with this.
That poem is fantastic.
Where did you find it?
Purred by: Isis Luna (Catster Member)

February 4th 2011 at 7:08 pm

There are so few good works about Kitties.
This one should be framed!
It speaks volumes.

I must get busy now.
Just learned some mighty fine additions to my training process.
Purred by: Watch Cat (Catster Member)

December 21st 2012 at 1:42 pm

Dropping by to clear out some spam.

-watch cat-
Purred by: Watch Cat (Catster Member)

March 20th 2014 at 10:47 am

Stopping by to clear out some additional spam.


-watch cat-
Purred by: Watch Cat (Catster Member)

April 18th 2014 at 2:10 pm

And yet more spam!

Le sigh. Spammers need to get a life. HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS

-watch cat-

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