September 16th 2012 1:42 pm
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I kept re-reading what I wrote in that last diary and it sounds as if I feel at peace with my beloved boy being gone because I talked about it being peaceful. I felt some peace because of the vet being able to come to my house and because it wasn’t an awful death, but it doesn’t change the awful reality and the deep loss, and I’m really not at peace about this.
I'm now reeling and trying to figure it all out. Did I let him go too soon? Should I have given more time for the meds for anemia to work? They can make a big difference. It feels like it was too fast. Maybe I should have given myself more time that day so I could settle with the decision and have a little more time to say goodbye and be with my baby. I should have taken him to the vet sooner! Weeks ago. I didn’t because he was eating well and seemed to be holding steady. I should have known he needed to be closely monitored at this critical time! I'm angry at the vet for not being more proactive. What if I would have started him on the anemia meds sooner? I made mistakes with his kidney disease all along and I wasn’t aggressive soon enough in starting his treatments. I feel like I was always behind in learning about this disease. Why did I mess around trying to find a different vet, more holistic? He needed stability. Was there something I was giving him, some supplement that I didn’t look into enough, that maybe had some toxic effect? Was I not careful enough and was he damaged from something, something when he went outside (which he loved), or some toxins when I was working on my house to get it ready to sell? Was moving the stress which pushed his body over the edge? I could have done that better and maybe kept him at my parents for a while. Did he miss his home so much that it set him into decline?
There is so much that’s haunting me right now.
I know I should feel fortunate to have had him for 18 years. But why did he deteriorate so quickly this year and the last few months? I could have done more for him. And there were mistakes. And did I do the right thing on Wednesday??? Was it rushed or was it a clear decision?
It’s horribly hard not to have the presence of the love he brought to every moment for 18 years. It hurts so much and it’s worse when I think of what I could have done differently. I walk in the door and look over to his little beds and expect to see him look up at me. I look around at all his food, meds and supplements. The toys. I just miss that irreplaceable loving presence. I miss that sweet face, those paws, that soft beautiful fur. The purrs and licks. I miss how he would look at me, I miss how lately he would stand in the kitchen near my legs as if to just be close to me. I miss holding him even though he had gotten so bony and fragile. I miss how he licked and sucked on my ear lobes, which he had done since day one. I miss his little click, click, click of him walking across wood floors. He was just that once in a lifetime cat. Love wrapped in fur is what I called him.
Part of me feels bad for even thinking this, because he had a good life for 18 years and he didn’t have some other awful situation or die in an awful way, and had a better life than many could hope fur. But this is what I’m going through right now. And it can be just as awful if maybe I let him go too soon, as going through an awful death experience.
I wrote more detailing what I feel I did wrong, what mistakes I made, and questioning what happened at the the end. I might post it, for ME (and for him) to get my feelings out. I have some concern posting this, but I need to put this out there since it appears to me that I wrote about being at peace with this and I’m really not.
What will help me know I didn’t let him go too soon? How can I let go of my guilt over the mistakes I made with his care? Maybe this is part of the grieving process. Bargaining is what I think it's called. It feels like more than just a phase of a process though.
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No Jen, this is part of that process. I STILL to this day felt like I did something wrong to cause Alex's death and the truth is we'll never know. But I do know I was a fantastic mother and did all I could with what I knew at the time. I did some things wrong too. Believe me, we are not perfect and sometimes denial takes over our senses. But it's not fair to all the wonderful love and care you gave him to blame yourself and say you did all kinds of things wrong. You can't stop life around you because you have a sick kitty. Didn't you read my blog about that? The Disruptions in a Kitty's Life. Read it! We had those and I know it didn't help Alex, that's for sure. This is for sure part of the process. Also read my grieving page on my website. You are going to hurt like hell for awhile and think all kinds of things you never thought you would. You'll cry and get mad, and btw, you'll even get mad at Gump believe it or not. I got so mad at Alex for dying on me and going the way she did. You'll go round and round and round with all kinds of things and just when you think you're okay, BAM, a bad day will hit and you'll be doing it all over again. This is inevitable because of the love you had for him. If you didn't love as deeply as you did, this wouldn't hurt so bad. I'm so sorry to say these things. I wish I could tell you it's going to get easier, but honestly, not at first. These next few weeks, even months, are going to be devastating. You lost your child Jen. YOUR CHILD! Not just your cat or pet your child. Please understand this is how most of us feel when this happens. You are not alone in this. Write whatever you want if it helps you deal with it. You need to get it out. I'm just glad you aren't going into yourself and not coming out. Some people don't let others help them. I'm glad you're turning to us, we're all here for you, I promise you that!
Jen, I've been in your shoes and I hurt for you. I know I did all I could for Onyx, and while I miss her terribly, I have never second-guessed my decision to help her cross the Bridge. But Patch ... well, that's another story. I know I waited far too long to get him to a vet after he clearly started waning. But I've followed Gumpy's diary, and I don't believe for a minute that you didn't do absolutely everything you could for him.
You're looking back now and second-guessing yourself because Gumpy isn't here. But when he was with you, you took your cues from him. You two were the closest of buddies for 18 years. When it was his time to go, he let you know. I truly feel it was Gumpy's decision as much as yours. So honor his decision, and his memory. Your love for him (and his for you) shines through every one of his diary entries. You won't ever forget him, and you need to grieve. But know that I, for one, am in awe of your devotion to him.
Oh, guess I can't pretend that was Jazzie talking. It was his mom, Cass.
Please listen to Lisa, Jen. She really understands the grieving process. I am keeping you in my heart and prayers. Know that I understand your pain as I am going through the same thing with having lost Tigger.
Tigger's Mom Gina
Jen, Daddy always wonders what else he could have done for me as well...
I had FeLV, and it finally got me.
But he's always wondering...what if i did this, or that...a different vet, or something,
It took him several MONTHS to accept that he did all he could for me....and I was only 5
Jen, You did everything possible for Gump...and he loved you, as you loved him. He had 18 WONDERFUL years...longer than most, and you got more time out of him than he should have had.
Gumpy loved you, and you loved him. You were soulmates. And that is a relationship that ia 1 in a million.
He's with me now, and is sprinkling healing dust on you as we speak.
And he wants you to know, he'll be watching over you, always.
You are a GREAT kitty mom, and a GREAT friend
Let us know if we can do ANYTHING to help.
Love never dies. and the memories last forever
Love always, Tigger, and his earthly family
Thank you. I don't know how this would be without support from people who've been there. Thank you for caring. Gina, I know it's so fresh for you too. Thank you, Lisa, Cass and John.
Jen feel free to still write and say whatever you need to if it's going to help you. You do what you need to do. Just wanted you to know this is not more than grief, it is full on grieving!
Jen, I agree with everyone here. You are most definitely going through the stages of grief.
I don't think you would be questioning yourself if you were not a great mom to Gumpy. One of my favorite saying is: hindsight always has 20/20 vision. So it's being unfair to yourself to say you could have done things differently.
I love what Cass wrote about your love for each other is shining through every diary entry. I so agree!
Absolutely! And you did everything you could to help him.
I think he had enough of his tired little body.
He needed to rest, Jen.
Also like Lisa wrote be prepared to be angry with Gumpy. How dare he leave you? I was angry with Alfie and Ollie.
I blamed myself for not being a better mom. Imagine losing kitties at such a young age? It really is hell. It changed me forever. I am trying hard not to be bitter. Not to be angry with the universe!
Jen, you had 18 years with your lovely boy. If that is not a testament to being a good mom, I don't what is!
I am glad you are here. Please keep venting, sharing your thoughts and feelings. Some day and I am sad to say ~not all that soon~ it will get better..
Today after 5 months since Ollie left, an open kitchen cupboard had me crying my heart out. I looked at that empty space and I though Ollie's lovely orange head should be peeking out from there!I miss him so much.
Love and hugs
Jen we all go through this too, the what if, if I only...but in the end we can't second guess our decision. You did all you could have done and more, as most of us here have done for our precious babies...the grieving takes over and that is all we think about is the final decision to let our babies go...none of us know the right answer or the right time, but one day you will feel better and know that you & Gump made that decision together.
Grief is one of the hardest things we all have to go through...Gump knows you did your best, he is with you as we are all here for you.
Someone told Mom just before Tallulah made her journey that writing in some ways will help you heal...so writing in Gump's diary about your feelings is a very small step in healing....we are here for you and we know how you are feeling and that this is so very hard for you...
Gump is always in our hearts!We are praying you can find a little comfort in knowing we are listening to you and hurt with you and for you...
QT, Mom and family
Jen, these are all totally normal feelings. And this is the purrfect place to post them, because we understand what you are going thru. So let it all out. Later, you will come to peace with your decision and realize that you did exactly what Gump needed and made the right decision for him, just like you did all his 18 years of his life. Gump was very lucky to have you.
Lisa, thank you for the reassurance that it's okay to write about more of what I've been feeling.
Eva, I don't think I could ever feel angry with him. No. I'm angry at myself and other things. I did make some real mistakes that who knows what the combination of all of it could have done.
Cass, it is comforting when you say that it was his decision as much as mine. Yes, that last night was a big part of it. But still...
QT's mom, thank you so much. I know you've been through a lot. Yes, it's comforting to think he knows I did the best I tried to do. But...
Writing I think is going to help and also having others here to listen does help.
I wish there was a magic answer to say when it is time. I think many go through this and I also think it is normal to question yourself, we all do. I agree with the rest, it sounds like it’s part of the grieving process. I also question myself with Balty. He actually probably lived for too long, I don't think his quality of life was that great, He used to be a proud kitty, always nicely groomed. But in the last few years he would pee in his bed unable to control himself. His fur would matt up and he ached all over from arthritis. Some would say I was cruel to keep him going. Others would say I could have waited. If only there was a crystal ball, for answers.
It’s nice to know many here feel the same way, it’s normal and we all understand how you feel.
Your sweet little boy will live on in many hearts around the world. His page, all the messages and the memories are all precious. As others have said... it’s a testament to how much he was loved and looked after. Gumpy was a very lucky kitty to have you in his life.
We all grieve differently but the commonality with everyone here is that we all grieve DEEPLY. It hurts to the core of your being and it'll be so hard for quite awhile. One day you'll wake up and still hurt but not as badly. They'll be fewer tears because your body just decided it's time to stop crying yourself sick.
Judy, thank you. I remember when Rocky Ann died. I didn't know her and you then and was fairly new at Catster, and I was shy about sending things to kitties I didn't know that well. But, now I realize to do it anyway. I hope to come to peace with this sometime.
Yesterday I actually several hours where I wasn't crying and thinking about this and feeling so much grief. But I felt BAD about that! I didn't want to lose that feeling in a way. How could I just let this go, let him go?
That is yet another part of it. You'll find yourself actually being okay for a little while and you'll think, "how could I do that? how can I not cry continuously and constantly and not feel bad?" Your body can't take it Jen, that's why. You need to rest in between the consumption of grief. Allow yourself that time and know that he would not want you to feel bad about that.
Daddy wasn't on catster when i left. He had noone, and he didn't even eat for a week.
Jen, remember, Nadia still needs you, and we all are here for you.
Thank everyfur for being here for Miss Jen...
Bless you all..
Purred from the bridge,
Oh Patches daddy! I'm so sorry he didn't have any support and didn't eat for a week! We are lucky to have this place, in spite of all the itchy fleas!
And hey, Mom and I just posted several new videos on Gumpy's and on my page and it was so easy!
Flea-free uploading, WOOHOO!
It was a whole year that went by before mom didn't cry everyday for my sister Cleo. it is never easy, i think no matter how they leave we always wonder 'what if i or should i have'. just know you gave him a beautiful life filled with love. gentle hugs Anna and mom
Thank you, Balty's mom. Yes, it's so hard, if only there was a crystal ball! Gumpy, too, had a couple accidents in the bed two nights before and in another room. But there wasn't a lot even coming out near the end and it was hard to see. There's that regret about that he got to that point when he did. I'll have to write more about it. So true about having a page here, and the messages and love. Having all of that helps alot.
I passed when I was almost 19 yrs old and was the only cat. Mom and Dad felt they lost their child, like all of you did. What helped them the most was going out and adopting Zack and Zoey. Because life continues and there are other kitties that need homes. They love Zack and Zoey as much as they loved me. And they felt it all happened at the right time or Z & Z wouldn't be with them right now.
But that is a personal decision for everyone to make on their own. You have beautiful Nadia to love who probably also is grieving for Gumpy.
You will never let Gumpy go. He will always be in your heart. After awhile you will just think of the funny cute things he did and the beautiful memories. It all just takes time.
Boy, we all wish there was a crystal ball that could help with that difficult decision. While the grieving process takes time, you have to realize that you gave Gumpy a wonderful life. Mawmee said the best thing she ever read about making that decision is something Jackson Galaxy said - "You don't want your cat's last day to be their worst day". Looking back on it, she knows that she probably waited too long to have me journey. She felt like the decision came easier with Violet because she knew there was nothing else that could be done, and that the days ahead would get worse for Violet. We hope you find comfort from Gumpy's pals. He is always watching over you!
There's a cat at our Cat Clinic that Mom had her eye on. She went back Friday to pay the bill from my passing, and it turns out Penny has to be adopted with her sister as they came from a purrson who died who had two cats and wanted them kept together. BUT also, Mom went to see Penny and when she picked her up she almost fell over, because she weighed SO much. She definitely wants another small cat! I was MOLing at that one! She does want to go over to the Humane Society just to look around sometime this week...
YAY! In the market for a kitten?!!
May I suggest an orangie or orangie/white?
We are super lovebugs!
In any case, whatever the color or stripes~kittens heal a broken heart like nothing else.
Please make sure she is ready for that. I will say though it helped me a lot to take Finney. Although I had said NO to my vet about 5 times beforehand. I refused and didn't want anymore.
I'm pretty sure everything that can be said has all ready been said by the time my mommy finally dragged herself to the computer today, but I just want you to know Gump and mommy, we know you loved one another. We know that Gump was loved and taken care of and that you did everything in your power for him and thought only of him. We are going to keep purring for you Jen, we know Gump is happy and healthy where he is now, we'll keep our purr bots running for you though, you are the one who needs headbonks of love right now.
Hi Ollie, Mom doesn't have a particular color in mind, it's just the face and feeling (and oh, you know, tuxies are always a good choice, too). She thinks an adult cat would be the way to go so she can know the purrsonality.
Alex, I think Mom is starting to feel ready. My sisfur actually needs another fur being here.
Calvin, I understand what you're saying. It's really hard for these human beans. I think part of the lesson we are able to give them is to know that it's okay, and that they can't be perfect, and maybe that is part of the learning from the whole painful process.
Hello sweet Anna, thank you for telling Mom that about Cleo.
Dear kind kind Jen,
Please remember you did all you could, and everything you did do, you did with love.
The vet told you Gumpys body was shutting down.
Gumpy was 18 years old.
Gumpy was doted on, loved, and cherished.
Everything that could be done was done, and with love.
I dread this with my girl....and I can tell you that it is sometihng that I live with day and night....
But you know, Jen, Ingen and Novi's mom said to us...we have to accept they just don't live as long as we do...but they live the lives they have with love and wonder.
You gave Gump a gift-you let him leave when it was time for him to go. You did everyting right, you know he told you this as you know him.
Please know he's close to you, even now. I believe he'll let you know. He is probably letting Nadia know.
And my dear dear Jen, please know you have much love and many many purrs here. We all love you, Gumpy, and Nadia
In the words of Ruffy 'Life is immortal....we transcend bodies as we need-but we don't 'die', for this is but a term for the mystery denies humans...but for us, as cats, a part of life and who we are.
Xeper and Remanifest.....learn, love, find your lessons, teach your lessons, rest, rejuvinate and rebirth...
purrs and loves from Ruffy and the KG Cats,
love and hugs and comforing cups of vitual tea from Mom Deb
and a bowl of virutal gumbo from Daddy Jim.
You know that amount of time better than anyone Jen so if you are ready then I think it's a wonderful idea!
oh my dear - I feel so awful for you. We are only human, and we do the best we can. I felt that way after I had to put down my dog Casey. Did I give up too soon? But I was able to kind of step away from it & realize that I could do no more for him. You did all you could for Gumpy, and his long life shows that. We never have them long enough truly. You fought for him, and he knows that. It is ok to let these feelings out. We are here for you too. It just plain sux - no other way to put it. I go through these feelings regarding my Aunt too. Should I have pushed her to go to another dr? or did more research on other cancer drugs. She will be gone 2 years this weekend, and I still feel those things. Give yourself permission to feel them, and also that it is ok to start to feel better. I know that it was not peaceful, I get what you meant. Having a peaceful passing does not make things hurt any less. He did not suffer, he was at home. That is a gift you were able to give him. The what -ifs...life is full of them - it is a natural thing to feel when you are not able to control a situation. Take the time you need to grieve - Gumpy is on your shoulder, and he is with us all. Sending you as many hugs as will come through this computer. Renee (Tig, Maizy, Smitter & Felix momma)
Jen, this is all part of the process just like everyone said. I told you we would be here for you and here we are.
I can only tell you my best experience and my worst..hopefully they will help you somehow. With Tux we knew it was time thanks to our great vet. He told us when a dog goes outside and doesn't sniff the air or the ground, when they don't mark their territory and last, when they just stand there like they don't want to do anything the quality of life is gone. He let us know by doing exactly what the vet said would happen....this was an easy decision. I did feel peace about letting him go.
BUT with my dear Blackie. I'm crying about it now, just thinking about his last week on this earth. I'm sure you did the right thing Jen. You don't want this kind of regret. I was 24 and stupid..my baby laid in a cage at the vets with a feeding tube in him for a week before the virus killed him. I was determined I wanted the results of his labs before making the decision. The Doc knew, he didn't need the results to know the right thing to do was to let him go but NO! I had the doc put the feeding tube in and waited anyway. That is a horrible feeling knowing your stubbornness, your selfishness, your fear of letting go to soon resulted in prolonging their pain and pushing their little bodies too the limit before their already inevitable death.
Lisa and I have talked about this before. Waiting to long causes the worst kind of pain and regret imaginable. We can both tell you that. Jen I would rather jump the gun than feel this pain with any of babies ever again. Trust me on that.
Maybe after reading this you will find some comfort in doing the right thing and letting him go before things were really bad. Besides, cats and humans have a way of communicating to each other so well that science can't even explain it. I know in my heart, you would have never taken this decision lightly and you were seeing the signs from Gump that it's time.
I always say the What If's will kill you if you let them.....Jen don't let them.
Love your friend forever,
Jen, sometimes it takes a new kit to help ease the pain. I'll tell you what my vet told me after Blackie died...she said getting a cat that looks like your old cat can increase the pain. I didn't listen, I got another solid black cat and named him Joe Black. You know cause of the movie and that Joe Black looked like the real guy but wasn't. Notice after Joe died I went to collecting Tuxxies. One day I'll have another solid black before I die.
I thought that little advice from the vet might help. It's up to you and how you feel when you look at another tuxxie.
Want a good laugh? Mom is watching the last Mash show where everyone goes home. She's bawling her head off. What a sap! MOL.
We will let our meowmy speak...
Oh, Jen, We love in the same state, and yet you are still so far away, I can't even hug you like I want to...I sure want to squish you with a big super hug...to comfort you and to let you know that we are here to listen and offer our own ideas and thoughts, though they are paltry compared to the grief you are bearing right now.
I got huge lumps in my throat reading your words, and all the comments. Brought back all my own memories of this stuff...we love our furs and we get so overwhelmed when they have to leave us, quietly in old age, or other wise...
I lost a kitty (Simba) at age 7, he probably had heartworm...I still kick myself to this day, thinking I didn't pay attention to the subtle signs that he had a problem at all...and then one day when I wasn't even there, he was gone forever. OMC And no one to discuss it with, no Catster world, I couldn't talk to my friends because they had no cats (!), and those thAt knew said, 'Its only a cat'...sigh...
Then dear little Toki had to leave us, too...more of the same feelings, and no one to talk about it, even my parents thought I was nuts.
Both those kitties were 7 years old...way too short a time with our family.
Then Groucho had to go to the bridge at age 17 or 18, we were never really sure...anyways he was ill for a long time...so we didn't feel quite as robbed, just empty and sad and more sad...then Suki at age 10 got ill, and vacillated between good days and bad days, the good ones getting shorter and shorter...and of course on the day she made her journey, she was having a good day, so I too was second guessing my decision big time, let me tell you...and still no Catster for me to share this with...
OK, I am rambling and making you feel bad...but it is so wonderful to share this all with others who DO know what it is that you are going through, so we are more than happy to share and be here with you...for as long and whenever you need to.
I can't believe how soon Gumpy has gotten to work to find another furbling for Nadia...see, how sweet he is, he is thinking of you all there and what the earthly furmily is needing, and I know he will help you find 'the right one'.
Thank for being vulnerable and human, Jen.
((((( ♥ )))))
Ingred, I too had no one to talk to. And like you I felt helpless in my grief.
Catster is a God Send in these cases. Like you said knowing there are others who have felt the same pain as you is extremely comforting.
People ask me why I love this website so much and I say "My friends on Catster are just as obsessed about their animals and all animals as I am. They are the ones I have a lot in common with."
Jen, that is so wonderful that you are already thinking of opening your heart to another homeless cat. That is a great way to honor Gumpy. That he was such a great cat that you want to give another a home. That sure would make him happy.
I agree with the advice that the Mom of Captain Dread Zaxery Drake received. Mom was thinking of getting tabbies to honor me. A dear catster friend said she might want to look at other colors of cats or everytime she look at the new kitties she would think of me and expect them to act like me. So she got a tortie and a black cat, She really felt like that was great advice and glad she followed it. It makes it a new beginning.
But all of this is totally all your decision of course! MOL!
Somecat is going to be so lucky and I hope you have as many happy years with him/her as you did your beloved Gumpy.
I know color doesn't matter but we orangies are famous for our affectionate natures.....I think you can get a good idea from a kitten too and I think kittens keep you more busy especially if you get one like Ollie. MOL
I know there are many wonderful grown cats who need homes.
But another reason for a kitten? I think it would be easier for Nadi to accept a kitten. Someone she can boss around and teach. I could be so wrong. And I defer to people who know more. Aren't female kitties more teritorial? Another reason Nadi may not be happy with an adult cat.
I also think at the end of the day, the kitty will pick you.
I had no intention of getting another orange/white after Alfie.But who could say no to Ollie? I know I told the story of how he was climbing the cage door and screaming his little head off. Once I held him, he sunk his claws into my clothes and would not even let me see his face. It was OK cause he already had me...
I too stick around catster cause my friends live here!
I don't know how I would have survived the last few years of really rotten luck.
Ollie I think you make a very good point. Also we have read catster stories where it doesn't work out adding an older cat. Each experience will be unique and different.
My own idea would be to adopt 2 kittens so that they would have each other to play with and Nadia would probably get more active herself having kitties around but when she was tired of them, they would have each other and she could sit back and have fun and watch. It matters on how open Nadia will be to having an older strange cat in the house and what her own personality is. At 4 years old she is probably at a Purrfect age to go either direction.
Ollie, I had an orange brother, same age as me, who I've talked about. Mango. He lived with my grandpawrents, but he was my brother since we spent some of our kittenhold and early cathood together. And he wasn't Mr. Affectionate necessarily. He had a great purrsonality, but he wasn't quite the super lovebug, who went limp in the humans arms like moi. Yes, he had his affectionate moments. But I don't know if it's something you can pin down to color or gender so much?
Nadi is pretty adaptable and has a happy, accepting nature. She's high energy, but I think she could handle the right adult cat.
Mom and I are going to respond too all of you, it just might take a bit. Thank you and hugs...
From my mom: I am so sorry about Gump. I completely understand about how you are questioning your decisions, because I did the same thing after my cat before Toki named Spooky died. I had her since I was 18, and she died at 13, so it was basically my whole adult life. She was there for me through everything, and I know you feel the same way. 18 years is a long time, and the hole in your life is going to hurt for a while. I slept with Spooky's bed for a while, because it smelled like her fur. :( I had so many questions about whether I done enough, and if I had done things differently, would she have made it. I wondered if I should have kept her in the oxygen cage at the vets for one more night, and would CPR have helped at the end (because I tried CPR, but I was alone with her when she died and I don't know if I did it correctly). A week after she died, I ended up calling my vet and just laying out all my questions. He is amazing, and he gave me straight answers to all my what-ifs, and should I haves. I don't know if it will help you, but it helped me to have my questions taken seriously and answered. It wasn't so much the answers to each question, but the realization that with all my questions answered, the real issue was that Spooky was gone and that is what I had to live with. I don't even know what I can tell you to help, because I feel like when I was going through it, nothing anyone said helped. But you are not alone, and I am so sorry for your pain. Your guilt is not deserved though, because you were an amazing cat-mom. The best any cat could have.
Love you Eva!
My suggestion...a male kitten. Definitely not a female, unless she's a kitten and even then you might have a future problem because of the pecking order factor. I sometimes worry that one day Gris will want to be king and duke it out with Zach. But so far no problems.
Rocky Ann is right about the activity level increasing. My whole point in getting Gris was (not only cause I had kitten fever) but to give Zach someone to play with instead of tormenting Zoe all the time. Which in return made her distant. And I also wanted a kit to make Zach and Zoe feel younger. It worked! They both socialize more, raid the toy box more and get along better now.
It was a win win win for me.
Zach used to just love to torment Zoe.
Hi Everybody! Mom just read this diary and all the comments and all those she has a lump in her throat and tears in her eyes, she will try to add her two cents. I think it is human nature to second guess and what-if. I think we all can agree that we have done it on many occasions. Mom lost her first cat, Cal, when he was only 7 years old from kidney failure. It was 12 years ago and I still wonder what I could have done differently. It certainly isn't as painful to look back now, I mainly remember all the goofy things he did, but his final day is still etched in my mind like yesterday. Grief is the price we pay for loving so deeply and with all our hearts.
My personal thought is that Gump knew he was ready to go, and he helped you make that decision. His body was tired. Your love, care,devotion and good decisions got him 18 years, please don't be too hard on yourself. You are a wonderful Mom! Hugs,
Skylar and Mom Michele
Hi River, thank you and your mommy for the headbonks of love.
Hi Deb and Ruffy, thank you. As I've told you before, I love the mystical words that come through you and your kitties. Very comforting. I was thinking about you and Bella and how you take her in regularly for her B12 shots. And I was thinking if only I had been taking Gumpy in regularly like that, maybe it would have helped to keep him stable. I just can't not think of all of this. Keep doing that with your sweet Bella.
Tig's mom Renee, thank you for sharing that. It helps to know others have had similar experiences. I guess it's just life and there is never a crystal ball to show us what to do in each moment. I still have to try to accept that though after something like this. It's hard to do. Hugs...
Sweetie B12 will not save a cat. It can only do so much. I have seen it work only to a point and then nothing helps. When it's the cat's time, it's the cat's time. If that's one of your what if's...cross it off the list okay? It can only work so much before things just stop helping. Even when given regularly. I give them to Midnight regularly and she's still getting older and more feeble. It's just the way it is.
Thanks RA! I have to agree with you too. What is better than one kitten? Two of course!
Better days are coming~ you will see!
Hang in there!
Lisa, great point about B12 ahots! It is so true~they can only do so much..
Hi Lisa. Sweetie, no, I didn't mean the B12 would have kept him stable. I had the B12 stuff at home. I was meaning that she was going in regularly and she is being weighed and blood work is looked at more often. Not about the B12 shots, just that it was a reason she is taking her in to see the vet and had Gumpy been going in regularly it may have helped him. We would have looked at thing more frequently. I think Taz (who lived to 22 or something) went in weekly to see his "purrsonal physician" as he called the vet.
Oh I gotcha, sorry. MOL. I still think though that you don't know if that would have helped or stressed him out more. Taking Alex in as frequently as I did was so awful for her. Although I think Gumpy was better about that than my Alex.
True, and that's one reason I hesitated to bring him in since all of that stuff had happened in July. I worried that dragging him in there having blood taken from his poor little veins in his neck was a lot on him. Plus, I've read that taking too much blood isn't great for them either, it has to be replenished, even though it's a small amount. But I'm still mad at myself that I didn't get him in there when he started acting more lethargic in the last few weeks.
You know what Alex used to do to me? I'd make a vet appointment and she'd suddenly be FINE. It's like she KNEW where she was going. So I felt like I dragged her in too much. Too much, too little, how do we know? I swear they are so good at changing on us just when we think we figured it out.
Hi Ollie, RA, Zaxery (interesting spelling there, buddy),
You cats are working hard on the kitten angle, eh? MOL. Cute...
I'm going to fly around the area here and check out the Humane Society and see which little fur beings might be a possibility for my mom. Anything is possible, I told her to be open to anything...
You know us we like to be the odd ball. Mom is actually liking the new spelling more this year than last year. Can she change the spelling of my name 7 years into my life? If you pronounced it like Jax it wouldn't work that good. But if you pronounced it like Zaxaby's (the chicken wing place) then it would sound right.
Gumpy have fun looking for a new fur sibling for Nadia. I know you will pick a good one. Please take a look at the black cats too. Zoey thinks Nadia would love a strong black brother!! MOL!!
Jen that is good to keep an open mind when looking! You just never know when you are looking, which cat will pick you!!
I think this will really lift your spirits. So many cats need homes. Gumpy will be so happy to help you do this.
Zaxery and Chris, thank you for sharing all of that about Tux and Blackie. I'm so sorry about what happened with Blackie. I had at least one cat named Blackie growing up. I don't want to keep lingering in the what ifs, but it's also the mistakes leading up to this that are hard to let go of. And when I read about treatments for anemia that can make, and I quote "an astonishing difference in their behavior and well being of cats" that gets to me.
Yes, I understand what you and RA are getting at with not getting the same color or trying to get a similar cat. I was leaning to that already.
Thank you for taking the time to share all of that and for caring.
I appreciate it and all of you. I know there are many others hurting on Catster.
We'll be back tomorrow to reply to the rest of our friends. Thank you all for taking the time to share and for caring! I so appreciate it. Meowmy Ingrid is right about how rarely do people have a place to talk about this and get support. And as I said, I know there are others who are dealing with the grief and loss of their beloved fur babies here on Catster.
Still feels unbelievable for me.
Zack, she's open to black cats. Penny is a long haired blackie with beautiful gentle eyes. But Mom doesn't think she is ready for two right now. Plus, Penny is so BIG! I mean big! Mom isn't used to that.
Oh we are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way! I know you must be thinking of everything and it was a blur! Please know you are not alone with your feelings. I think it happens to each and every one of us after we lose a loved one. Please be comforted by all your furiends here who have much to offer with words of kindness and love. When you are ready a new furkid will be just right and help the healing process. There are so many in need! Gumpy will let you know! Sending you purrs and prayers!
Simon & Reuben(an angel)
I'm pretty sure everything has already been said, but I just wanted to let you know that we are also here for you and that your feelings are completely normal. Sending you purrs and big hugs.
Oh Jen please dont be angry with yourself :(
I know that you did all you could. I know it must be so hard for you. We are all here for you in a circle with arms around you trying to ease your pain. You must be a strong person, im not sure if I will be as strong as you when that day comes, but I hope that Catster friends will be here for me too.
Im sure if another kitty is what you want, it will happen,and I think this will help a little with your sadness.
love and purrs
Shadow, Wilson and Mum
So sorry about your handsome mancat Gumpy, we know how much you loved him. This is the hardest part of having a pet is knowing when to let go. You never think you did the right thing but in your heart Im sure you know you did what you had to do. I had to put my 15 yr old dog Wilma to sleep in April of this year and I still think everyday if I did the right thing or not. Everyone said I did, including the vet, but in my heart I just miss her so much. Its hard to let go, all you have is good memories and the hopes that we will meet again when we go to heaven. So please try not to beat yourself up with guilt, Gumpy knows how much he was loved and how lucky he was to have you for a family. Please take care of yourself during this difficult time, you are in our thoughts and prayers. Love, Tate and Momcat Sandi
Having gone through this painful decision myself, I've come to realize that all those things you're feeling are natural. You always question every tiny decision and think "what if..."
When my Zoey passed I felt like my heart imploded and someone had punched me in the belly...for weeks afterwards. I wasn't on catster at that time and I questioned everything I did a million times over. The one thing that helped my healing process was adopting Julius. It felt so empty without Zoey...I missed all those snuggles and how he would lift his head for my kisses. Julius certainly did not take the place of Zoey, but he helped ease the hurt from my heart.
We all know you are one of the most caring and concerned pawrent on catster. You've been so thorough in taking care of your baby and did everything possible to help him. There will always be the self doubt, but try to take some comfort in knowing that you did not let him suffer. It was his time, and in your gut, you knew that and made the right decision. Its just dealing with life without him that's so terrible and difficult right now.
Sending you a huge virtual hug!!
Julius & mom Susan
You were blessed to have Gumpy's company for so many years. Some never get that long as many kitties leave way too soon. Tears our MCs hearts up no matter how long.
Take those times with Gumpy and remember them and smile...
Easier said than done but we are purrin' for you MC : )
Platelicker and MC Deb
Hi again Jen,
I've been thinking about you a lot these past several days and I agree with what others have written about this being a normal stage of the grieving process. It's painful, it's raw, it's a horrible feeling, and I've been there, too.
I still feel guilt 4 years after the death of my angel kitty Carlos. He was only 9 and had intestinal lymphoma. I put him through surgery and started him on chemo because he was still relatively young and I had hope that we could extend his life. He died shortly after starting chemo and I have terrible guilt that I should have just let him go peacefully instead of putting him through all the treatment that didn't do him any good. No matter what decision we make, we will always second guess ourselves.
Writing/expressing can be good therapy, so I'm glad you are able to vent through Gumpy's diary and have the support of all your Catster friends. We all understand what you are going through.
Oh Kelly, I didn't know that! I'm so sorry for your loss of Carlos. It stinks to lose them young especially to these awful diseases. You know Jen, I even still think I could have done more for Moufasa. Remember Mouffey? It'll be 2 years this Dec. and Midnight is really holding her own at this point. I've done a lot more for her as I know more now on that end as well. So I wish I could have done those things for Moufasa. Every time I care for one, it seems I learn more and that's how it seems to go. Then we wish we had that knowledge back then but we can't go back in time unfortunately.
I won't try to repeat what has been said so eloquently by all those before; please just know that we do understand how you are feeling. We went through all this with our little dog Essie - it was horrible afterwards. But she had been with us for 18 years, too. It takes awhile to get over that kind of hurt. Don't try to second guess your actions now; you were the very best Mama Gumpy could have had.
Meowmy Ingrid, thank you for the virtual squishy hug! Thank you for caring. I'm so sorry about those fur babies of yours that you felt all that pain and loss about and had no support. We certainly are in a different time. We had always had cats growing up mostly in the country and I feel bad because some of them I don't even know what happened to.
I guess as time moves forward some things change and get a little better for all of us. Like having this thing called "the internet" to allow us to connect with others we never would have in the past. And also all of the information that is now available. Gumpy came to me at the beginning of all that, and I didn't know anything about feline health until he became ill with diabetes in late 2006. That was his first challenge, and amazingly, he went into remission over 3 years later, which isn't typical because if cats go into remission it's usually much sooner and the thinking is that the pancreas is usually too burned out to repair itself after a certain period of time. So after that I was relieved to not have to give him shots (usually twice a day) and to have to test his BG several times a day. I feel like I sort of coasted too much at that point when I should have been ready for what comes next as he was 16 at that point.
Well, I'm rambling and I feel like I'm talking too much about me. But I guess this is one time that I can. I know you gave Simba, Toki and Groucho a wonderful, loving home. That is always a blessing.
Thank you for caring! Hugs right back to you...
Jen, do you know the kitty on here Gentlemen Jack? I'll give the link in a minute. He's just been diagnosed with diabetes and his mom is in tears thinking the worst. I know you've got a lot going on right now but she could use some REAL advice. Gentlemen Jack
Toki's mom, thank you so much. What you said is pretty much I'm dealing with. I actually took one of his favorite little beds and held it and took in deep breaths of his scent. I always loved Gumpy's scent. Cats have a fresh sweet smell about the them which is nice - good groomers with some sort of fresh enzymes as part of their grooming. Thank you for sharing and understanding.
Maybe I should talk to my vet or a vet about the whole situation and what would have been possible. I know they'll say it was his time, but I guess the issue is I didn't do enough to prevent if from getting to that point and I have to let that go.
Forgive me for all the focus on me. I know you all have had your own similar experiences. Thank you for letting me talk about it. We are so fortunate to have this place to share all of this.
Eva, thank you for all the the sweet suggestions and for caring. I will consider a kitten now, even though I was thinking more about a cat.
I did wake this morning and feel better and I thought I feel his presence; a gentle joyful presence just saying I'm here, I'm okay, it's okay, and I love you and always will.
Forgive if this seems to be to much about me, me, me. But I want to reply to everyone.
I know that was him telling you he's okay and look for more signs from him Jen. It took me much longer to get a sign from Alex but I was in such despair and SO SO SO angry that she died after everything I did to try and save her. I was angry at the universe and couldn't understand why she had to leave me. So I was closed up. I'm glad he's contacting you already, I can't wait to see what else he does!
btw, I sent you a pawmail
I wish I could edit my silly typos. I don't know what it is about me and this laptop.
Skylar's mom Michelle, thank you for what you said. Yes, his body was getting more tired each day....So true that grief is the price we pay for loving so deeply.
Simon and sweet angel Reuben's mom, thank you for caring. You are always so sweet. Jezebel and momma, thank you for always being around.
Shadow's mum, thank you for being here. It's been so nice to see you here. Thank you for the support and caring. Hugs to you and beautiful Shadow, and also to Wilson.
Tate's momcat Sandi, thank you. I'm so sorry about Wilma (what an endearing name). Thank you for sharing that. Hugs...
All of these similar experiences do provide a sense of comfort, but I'm sure it goes in phases where you feel better, then feel awful again, etc.
Much love ~
Hi Jen, just stopping by to see how you are doing. I am so glad you're are feeling better this morning. I am all misty thinking about you feeling the little boy's presence. That is so lovely. Kitties do smell wonderful! I bury my nose in Milo's fur and just breathe it all in. He of course is always happy to lend his tummy and is always purring.
I honestly think a kitten is the best way to go.
Seriously. Way better for Nadi too.
I hope you will get past this feeling that you didn't do enough or could have done things differently. It is so heartbreaking and so futile.
You were a great mom. I believe this with all my heart.
I can drop by daily to remind~if I must.
Please be nice to sweet Jen, you hear me?
Julius and mom Susan, thank you for sharing that about Zoey. I remember you had talked about your kitty who had diabetes, and I'm assuming that was Zoey. You described that so well! "Questioning every TINY decision. Feeling like your heart has imploded and you've been punched in the belly and the gut." Questioning everything and doing it a million times over! Yes.....I'm so glad you found your adorable Julius. Thank you for the kind words. Big hugs!
Thank you sweet Platelicker's MamaCat Deb! You are so sweet. Thank you for the kind words. I love all your kitties names. BEEG hugs back to you, I know you've lost more than one of your fur babies recently too.
Lisa thank you for being here and understanding all of it. I should have said I felt a *little* better this morning. I hope that was his soul and essence. Must have been. I have my anger too, not at him. Yes, why do they have to leave us so soon???
Dear Gumpy's Mom,
I am Platelicker's angel sispurr. Our MamaCat had a hard time coming back to Catster because she got so sad every time she saw my picture.
We were very close. If MC sat down... I was in her lap : )
She knew what all my little meows meant too. Or if I was wandering around aimlessly, as I did from time to time, she would swoop me up and love on me.
With much love from Catster MCs she made her way back here and I play as much as always. She was afraid no one would want an angel kitty playing but they did! Surely did help ease the pain too.
And she let's me visit with new angels on their pages and that helps too.
I have a boyfriend kitty, Bugsy, and MC even told his MC if she wanted him to have a living kitty girlfriend she would understand. *looks for rolling pin to pop MC*
MC was not as close to Cartman, an angel now, because he was a loner kitty and did not like to be held but he was a sweetie. Not me! I was an in-your-face kinda purrgirl. So it took her longer to get over losing me although she never really will.
Just take your time and visit with everyone here. This is the best healing spot ever!
soft angel huggs... Raincloud ♥
Oh I know Jen, I'm just glad you feel even a teensy bit better. No one here expects you to be over it just like that. We are SO not those people that expect that! Just glad you got to have a little feeling about him, because those do help.
Oh sweet Raincloud, that is what I am (or was? NO, I still am) to my mom! Always wanted to be in her lap or close to her. We were as close as could be too. She knew what everything I did meant. It's so hard for them not to have us with them. You are such a beautiful angel with such a lovely name :). I'm so glad you have your boyfriend Bugsy. I know him, he's a great guy.
Hi Kelly, I knew a little about Carlos, but I didn't know that much about the situation and how difficult it was. I'm so sorry about that. Love the name Carlos (and his inspiration). Thank you for always being here and for your understanding. We love you and Tully, and the other kitties too, but Tully and Gumpy are like cat soul brothers.
Thank you, Samhain's Mama. Thanks for sharing that about Essie. I went and looked at his page. What a sweetie. It is so hard after 18 years. Thank you for understanding and I hope you are doing okay with the situation concerning the kittens.
Hi Eva, still not sure about a kitten, but I will keep my mind open. I'm not quite sure why I am leaning toward a cat, I'll have to ponder it. Thanks again to you and also to Lisa.
I will cherish all these comments. I know it will help me get over the guilt, fear and what ifs, and the pain. I'll be able to come back here and read all of this. We're so lucky to be able to share it here.
Angel Gumpy I had a feeling you and your Mom were that close that is why I had to visit. And yes you are still close!
You can still visit with her Sugars. I do. To some this will sound nuts but some days when MC is sitting on our porch or driving in her car, she sees a small gray cloud and sees my shape... she knows it is me and she smiles...
You are around your Mom too and she will come to find you in her own ways : )
Sometimes, she will see you out of the corner of her eye... or she will call your name... or feel you near... and she will smile ♥
If your Mom had never had you all those years, she would never have these wonderful moments and moments to come ♥
Yes, my Bugsy is so wonderful!
Ok so you got that flying through the Rainbow thingie down yet? If not, let's go again. You may need to teach new angels that trick in case I am floating on a rain cloud.
Oh thank you Angel Raincloud. Yes, I will come and visit my mom. It takes some time to get used to being an angel after having a little furry body for so many years. I'm still working on the flying through the Rainbow thingie.
You said it so well when you said "You are around your Mom too and she will come to find you in her own ways." That's sounds so purrfect.
Angel huggies to you...
Jen, you don't need to explain. At the end of the day kitty will pick you with a little help from Gumpy.
Hang in there sweetie.
See you tomorrow!
I have always felt in my heart that Tully and Gumpy are like cat soul brothers, that is why I loved Gumpy from the moment I "met" him on Catster. Not only similar in appearance to Tully, but similar in personality. Both are sweet, gentle, loving tuxie boys and very bonded to their Mommies.
I have always believed that angel kitties help bring another cat into to their Mom's/Dad's lives when the time is right. I know a special kitty will find his/her way into your life when it's time. With a little help from Gumpy, of course.
I just thought i would add one other thing. Mom was very depressed and sad when Reuben went to the Bridge. He left quite unexpectedly. Mom just found him curled up sleeping the next day. He had passed in his sleep. Mom was overwhelmed with grief. Over time she has started a small collection of art pieces that remind her of Reuben. She hopes to make a little wall gallery of these works. They aren't anything big or expensive. Some are even greeting cards she finds and will get framed. The one thing she did have made was a painting of him. It's a 6x6 painting done by an artist she found online who lives in New Orleans. Mom sent her some pictures of Reuben by email and then she sent a picture of the completed painting. It looks just like Reuben! These things make mom happy and help her to remember the good times and also keep his sweet spirit alive! Maybe when you are ready you might consider doing something similar! It almost becomes a little game and treasure hunt and each 'find' helps to heal the heart! Hoping for brighter days ahead!
Hugs and purrs,
Simon & Reuben(an angel)
I love so much what you wrote about holding one of Gumpy's little beds and taking deep breaths of his scent.
I now wear the small charm that Tigger had on his collar, around my neck on a silver chain. It makes me feel closer to him physically.
Tigger's Mom Gina
My mom knows exactly how you feel. But, believe me when I say this: There was nothing you should have done differently, you acted out of pure love and so your choices were right. You did the hardest, most loving thing you could do at the time when he needed you most; you let him go. He knows that.
My momma doesn't know it either with respect to how she let me go. But I know.
Angel Reuben's mom, thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry about your dear Reuben - sounds like that was very difficult. What a nice idea to look for things that remind you of him. I am going to create some sort of memorial area and I will think about that too. I might have to ask you about that artist some time.
Mom Gina, that's so sweet that you're wearing a charm he had on his collar. I did love Gumpy's scent. Hugs...
Oh Emily, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to share that with me; it's comforting to read. I remember reading your touching diary when you left. I apologize because I don't believe I sent a gift to your momma.
Thank you all again. This support and understanding means so much. I have to go get him tomorrow or soon. You know, in his new form....But I feel a little lifting from all of this.
Jen, when Blackie died Mom started a tradition of sitting down and writing down the beloveds story. I know us catsters are used to doing this already but it might would be a great thing to add to your memorial.
In case you are interested, here is the link to the artist mom had make a pet portrait of Reuben. Don't know how to do a direct link so I hope you can access it and see it. I think her prices have been raised since mom bought it in 2012 but she is very good at capturing their likeness. Mom paid $80 for a 6x6in painting. That included shipping.
http://carolynfinnell.blogspot.com/search?upda ted-max=2010-12-30T20:15:00-06:00&max-results=20&s tart=100&by-date=false
If you scroll down on her blog from this link you will find Reuben's painting.
Also, here is her website:
Hope you are doing well,
Simon & Reuben(an angel)
Gumpy you sweet, handsome,cheerful,loving boy.You were such a charmer.You charmed all of us.
Miss Jen, Mom says it takes her about 6 months to get over the worst of it,the part you are feeling now. Then another 6 months before she can talk about us and look at our pictures without crying.Some of us she thought she waited too long to take us in. Just one of us she thought it was maybe a week or so too early. But the saying goes: It is always too late or too early. How can it ever be just the right time? All of us understand and feel for you here. Being our MOM(or dad) makes a world of difference to us furry ones.You made all the difference to Gumpy's world day by day by day for 18 years. It doesn't matter now if you did everything right all the time. All that matters right now is you loved each other.
Misha and I are here purring for you and mommy send hugs!
Zach's mom, thank you for the idea about that.
Simon, I went and looked at her site, she does great work. Thank you for the info. :)
Hi Molly Angel, thank you so much for the kind and comforting words.
It all helps my mom.
Love from mom and me...