MOLz | MOLz MOLz en-us Tue, 30 Sep 2014 11:00:00 -0700 Tue, 30 Sep 2014 11:00:00 -0700 Orion <![CDATA[Should I Worry About My Cat Bending Like the iPhone?]]> The super-size iPhone 6 Pluses are bending, causing mass confusion among Apple devotees but curiously not doing a whit to hinder the company's stock price. Cat owners are picking up on this panic and are flooding message boards about the risks of other things bending, like their cats. We've put together a FAQ about cats bending, to settle the panic out there. Read this before calling the vet.

FAQ on cats bending

Does you cat bend like this? Before you freak out, consult our FAQ.

My cat bent when I picked her up. 

She's OK.

My cat bent when I put her down.

Still OK. 

My cat bent when I put a hat on her. 

She's fine.

My cat bent when I put a little sweater on her. 

Still OK. Where do you live? Pretty nice out everywhere -- maybe take the sweater off. 

My cat bent when she jumped on the counter. 

Most cats do.

My cat is laying on the ground right now, and she's bent. 

She's all right. 

She's bent in two places.

Still OK. 

Wait -- now four places!

Is she purring?


She's OK. 

Should my cat bend when I turn her on? 


My cat bent when I put her in my pocket. 

Don't do that. 

I have a big pocket. 

Use a carrier.

My cat bent when I dropped her. 

She's probably OK. Did she land on her feet?

Yes, and her feet bent. 

She's OK.

My cat is bent in a circle right now. 

She's OK. She's napping. 

My cat is straight but right at the front she's bent. 

She's eating.

I keep trying to bend my cat but my cat won't bend. 

Is she made of porcelain? 


That's not a real cat. 

Her name is Sally.

Still not a real cat. 

How do I get my cat out of sleep mode?

Jiggle her paw.

Can I get a new cat if my cat bends?

No. You should love your cat. 

I don't think my cat bends enough.

She bends fine. 

My old cat never bent. 

Yes she did.

Do dogs bend?


My dog never bent.

Yes she did.

So this problem isn't only limited to cats. 

Most things bend. 

The iPhone shouldn't bend. 

The iPhone is not a cat. 

Despite the extreme bending in this cat's paws, she is OK to use.

If your question about cats bending is not covered by this FAQ, then you have bigger things to worry about. If you have more questions about the iPhone bending, you're in the wrong place, too.

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Tue, 30 Sep 2014 11:00:00 -0700 /molz/iphone-6-plus-bending-faq-cat-humor
<![CDATA[5 Ways My Cats Make Sure I Never Leave the House]]> I know cats are more independent than dogs, but I believe some kitties would still prefer their people to stay home with them all the time. Based on their behavior, I’m pretty sure my girls, Ghost Cat and Specter, have hatched a plan to manipulate me into leaving the house as little as possible. I have some cute pictures to prove it. Here are five ways my cats are trying to prevent me from leaving the house.

1. By providing me with irresistible kitty kisses

This is what happens when Specter sets her cuteness to stun.

It never fails. About 15 minutes before I leave the house, one of my cats will jump on my shoulders to offer me affection in the hopes of convincing me to stay home. Specter especially doesn't want me to go out that door because if I leave, then the chances of bits of food falling to the kitchen floor drop from "probable" to "unlikely." So when Specter sees me grab my purse she seizes the opportunity to show me some love, and since I love getting her love, I end up being late for whatever thing I am leaving the house for.

2. By hiding in rooms they shouldn't be in

Of course I can't leave until all cats are accounted for.

Because Ghost Cat once ate the corner of a bed post on a brand new bed, there are certain rooms that the kitties aren’t allowed in unsupervised. Part of my exiting-the-house routine involves kicking the kitties out of the bedroom and bathroom and shutting the doors behind me.

A couple months ago poor little Specter must’ve been hiding behind the shower curtain when I shut the bathroom door, because when I got home three hours later Specter was trapped in there. She was scared out of her furry little mind and had shredded the lovely wallpaper in our bathroom.

Ever since then I do a roll call before I leave the house, and half the time, Specter is not present when her name is called. This results in me having to go back into the bathroom and bedrooms to make sure I didn't miss her. Sometimes she does a good job of hiding and gets into the closet or under the curtains, but most of the time when I open the door she'll just be waiting for me to find her. For Specter, it’s all just a fun game of hide and seek. For me, it’s making me late.

3. By refusing to listen to me until I sing the wet-food song

They will not move until I start singing.

Once both cats are rounded up and accounted for it is time for them to go into the less destroyable section of our house. After the wallpaper shredding incident in the bathroom, my husband installed a door to separate a cat area (because our kitchen is covered in the same shreddable wallpaper). On the other side of their door Ghosty and Specter get three couches, tons of empty room to run around in, a TV room and the almost-outdoor sunroom. On our side of the door, we get to come home to a living room and kitchen that are not destroyed. It’s win-win!

The only problem is getting the cats to get the heck out of the kitchen in the first place. These two stubborn kitties just will not budge -- unless I sing the wet food song.  

“All the little kitty cats, kitty cats, kitty cats, all the little kitty cats, come and eat some wet food.”

There are several more verses, in which I name each cat and describe exactly how much they want some wet food, but you get the idea.

The song always ends with the promised delivery of the canned kitty goodness, but having to sing it in the first place adds precious seconds to my time in the race to get out of the house.

4. By using the powers of their cuteness to induce guilt

Ghost Cat especially hates it when the dog gets to go with me.

Even if I can musically convince the cats to go into their half of our home, I can’t convince Ghost Cat not to abandon her wet food in favor of watching me drive away. It breaks my heart when she runs into the sunroom as I head for the door. I see her cute little face as I back out of the driveway and suddenly all I want to do is hurry up and come home from wherever it is that I’m going. It’s adorable that she comes to say goodbye to me, but it makes it so hard to convince myself to go.

5. By looking so sad when I get home that I never want to leave again

When I've been gone for 3 hours.

As soon as I pull into the driveway Ghost Cat will dart out of her little cat door and into the sunroom, like she’s been waiting to hear the crunch of the gravel since the second I left. Sometime she’ll have persuaded Specter to come with her and they’ll both press their paws against the screen door as I get out of my car. More recently, Ghost Cat has enlisted the dog, GhostBuster, to help her look as pathetic as possible when I get home. How could I look at those sad little faces and ever want to leave them again? The doe-eyed act gets me right in the heart, and means I’ll stay close to home -- at least until we run out of cat food.

Do your cats need your constant company, or are they happy to have some independent time? Let us know in the comments!

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About the author:  Heather Marcoux is a freelance writer in Alberta, Canada. Her beloved Ghost Cat  was once her only animal, but Specter the kitten and GhostBuster the dog make her fur family complete. Heather is also a wife, a bad cook and a former TV journalist. Some of her friends have hidden her feed because of an excess of cat pictures. If you don’t mind cat pictures, you can follow her on Twitter; she also posts pet GIFs on Google + 

Tue, 30 Sep 2014 03:00:00 -0700 /molz/cat-behavior-humor-cute-pictures-photos-never-leave-the-house
<![CDATA[Texts From Mittens: The Abandonment Edition]]> Mittens has had a heck of a couple of weeks. Mom went out of town for work and she never even warned him, even though she said she did. He's pretty sure she's lying. And plus, what good is a human leaving town if you can't spend an hour or so lying around in their open suitcase? The whole situation was a total rip-off.

At least Grandma came to stay with Mitty and Phil, except that meant a trip to the casino with Drunk Patty. Mittens was certain Grandma was never coming back from her fancy new life as a casino employee.

And as if life wasn't bad enough, Phil's poisoned him and he's just seen Drunk Patty's skivvies blowing in the breeze. It's just too much for one cat to handle.

Here's some proof of the recent atrocities.

"Since you're not home, I'm going to sit on the counter all day long. So there."

"Mom, Drunk Patty's manhandling me again!"

The venomous Phil!

Click here for the entire library of Mittens posts on Catster.

Click here for the Texts from Mittens site.

Click here to follow Mittens on Twitter. 

Click here for Mittens merchandise!

Let Catster make you laugh:

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food. 

Wed, 24 Sep 2014 05:00:00 -0700 /molz/texts-from-mittens-the-cat-abandonment-humor
<![CDATA[New Wave Bands of the '80s -- If Cats Were in Them]]> We've often talked about songs about cats, and movies and cartoons about cats, all of which has essentially been a preamble leading to us wonder: What would happen if our favorite '80s new wave bands were led by cats? 

To put it another way, it made us wonder how many of the titles our favorite 1980s new wave bands we could reasonably fit the word "cat" into.

35 new wave bands if cats were in them

  1. Echo and the Bunnycats
  2. Tears for Cats
  3. Depeche Cats
  4. R.E.M.C.A.T.S.
  6. Wall of Catdoo
  7. Bananacata
  8. Talking Cats
  9. Pet Shop Cats
  10. A-ha? Cats!
  11. The C-52s
  12. Big Audio Dynacats
  13. The Boomtown Cats
  14. The Buzzcats
  15. Elvis Catstello
  16. Good Boy George and the Culture Cats 
  17. The Dream Acatemy
  18. The English Cats
  19. Catlondie
  20. Caturan Caturan
  21. Eurcathmics
  22. XTCATS
  23. Men Without Cats
  24. Cats at Work
  25. New Order: Cats!
  26. Joy Division: Cats!
  27. A Flock of Cats
  28. Gene Love Cats
  29. The Go-Cats
  30. Catness
  31. Scritti Catlitti
  32. Spandau Catlet
  33. Tom Tomcat Club
  34. Haircat One Hundred, or Haircut One Hundred Cats (You choose.) 
  35. Siouxsie and the Catsees

Additional list: 10 new wave bands containing a feline word other than "cat" 

See if you can spot them.

  1. Frankie Goes to Kitten Rescue in Los Angeles
  2. Meow Wow Wow
  3. Violent Felines
  4. Devo-nshire Rex
  5. The Psychedelic Purrs, or maybe the Psychedelic Furbabies? I don't know, it's not important. 
  6. Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Meow
  7. Kajagoogoomeowmeow
  8. Dexy's Midnight Ratters
  9. Simple Felines
  10. Oingo Meowngo

Disclosure: These aren't really all of our favorite '80s new wave bands, we just said they were. Also, the author notes your objection with calling some of these bands new wave, but hey. 

Stay tuned for our next article in the series, "'90s Bands if Cats Were in Them." 

The Cure, one of the new wave bands that did not make our list. 

Can you think of any other '80s new wave bands that you can fit the word "cat" into? Let us know in the comments. Note: Don't just consult a list of '80s new wave bands, like this one, and stick the word cat in there. There's an art to it. Please don't list any '90s bands.

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Tue, 23 Sep 2014 13:00:00 -0700 /molz/new-wave-bands-1980s-80s-cats-cat-humor
<![CDATA[Avast, Ye Hearties: It's Meow Like a Pirate Day!]]> Okay, confession: When my family would go to Disneyland (and we lived in Southern California so we went like, every year) my sister was always stoked on going on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. And me? That ride scared the crap out of me. So everyone would go on the ride and my poor mother and I would sit and wait at the exit, and when we reunited with the rest of my family, my sister would be all stoked and brandishing a sword from the ride gift shop and my father -- in what was perhaps a gesture of disappointment -- would hand me my consolation prize for being such a weenie: A pack of stickers or something way less cool than a sword.

"Omg, you're such a chicken," says Catster member Raven.

Then one day, my parents were like, "No really, you're too old to be so afraid of animatronic pirates," and coaxed me into descending into those murky depths and boarding one of those boats-on-a-track, all the while being like, "No, it's okay. Look, the boat is on a track. It's all fake. Fake!" And I trusted them.

So there are those two drops at the beginning of the ride -- I am still paying for therapy to overcome my childhood sense of betrayal -- but after that, I had to admit that the ride was actually kind of sort of maybe fun. (I didn't want my sister to be right.)

As an adult, I can safely admit that OMG yes, that ride is hella fun! And I'm proud to report that I am no longer afraid although I still brace myself and grit my teeth for those first two drops. So woohoo! Today is Meow Like a Pirate Day and yo-ho yo-ho it's a pirate's life for me. If you're a member of the Catster Community, make sure to get your paws on the Jolly Roger gift which is free all day today! And marvel at these feline pirate beauties.

"You'll be needing an eye patch soon enough for this indignity," says Catster member Inky.

Catster member Kira looks way too cute to be a pirate.

This photo appears to have been taken with an old-timey pirate camera recreated by devout pirate reenactment hobbyist and .

Top photo by bnilsen via Flickr

Laugh with us on Catster:

About Liz Acosta: Catster's former Cuteness Correspondent, Liz still manages the site's daily "Awws," only now she also wrangles Catster's social media. That's why she wants you to follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and -- her personal favorite -- Instagram. See ya there!

Fri, 19 Sep 2014 12:30:00 -0700 /molz/talk-meow-like-a-pirate-day
<![CDATA[My Cat Is My Personal Trainer -- Just By Being Himself]]> I have a really fast metabolism. I inherited it from my mother, and it lets me eat cake and still somehow lose weight. I have never been more than 106 pounds, despite my version of the food pyramid being reversed with sweets as the biggest portion.

After turning 22 at the beginning of August, I realized my naturally fast metabolism is going to start slowing down. With my illnesses, I can’t exercise like I used to and my obsession with snack cakes has been renewed as of late.

As I freaked out over this realization, I nearly tripped over Tanner as I was going to feed him. Then it hit me. Tanner, merely through his cat behavior, has been my personal trainer this whole time. Here’s how:

Bonus points if I can get him to stay still for longer than five seconds.

1. Weight lifting

Tanner is a hefty boy, weighing 15 pounds. He’s not a Maine Coon or Norwegian Forest Cat, either. He’s what I like to call the linebacker breed. He’s stocky with a bit of chub and he’s strong enough to knock me down when I’m kneeling. And, unfortunately, he likes to go places he’s not supposed to go. Then, I have the great chore of picking up this blob of man-cat, and when I do, I really feel the burn.

2. Footwork ... and tumbling

In high school, I tried out for the track team. I didn’t even make it to the first meet. While I was a wuss and quit, I’ll never forget a little exercise known as karaokes. It’s a type of high-knee sidestepping that’s really fast, and I nearly fell flat on my face most of the time I attempted them.

All cat owners are familiar with the mini heart attack when your cats run under your feet or through your legs. Either you have something tasty in your hands or they’re just extra loving and don’t quite know how to show it in a less life-threatening way. When this happens I think of it as Tanner keeping me on my toes -- literally. 

"Oh. Were you trying to go to the bathroom? Sorry. Not happening."

There are times where I fail this part of his training program and go tumbling over him. However, if I ever want to become a cheerleader or ninja, I have some skills.

3. Hurdles

The times when I can’t get him to stop moving and the times where I can’t get him to move are about 50-50. When he doesn’t want to move it’s almost always in a door way or passageway.

"Tanner, I have to use the bathroom! Hurry. Move!”

"Not like I wanted to leave the bathroom or anything."

My frantic cries of urgency are met with a turning of his ears and a glare in the opposite direction, letting me know he heard me, but that my request has been denied. None shall pass unless they step over the furry unmovable mountain. Okay, so I’m not jumping over him, per se, but no one said hurdles couldn’t be stepped over.

4. Yoga

One of the main things cats are known for is flexibility. They can contort their bodies and fit in tight spaces better than blocks in Tetris. I envy the way he can scratch his back without throwing out a shoulder.

When he gets comfortable in bed, Tanner manages to stretch out far enough to take up as much room as possible. In a way, Tanner teaches me yoga whether I want to learn or not, because I have to turn into a pretzel to sleep around him. It's not like I could wake him up or move him. That'd just be rude.


Who knew that all this time, Tanner wasn't trying to be obnoxious, but was just trying to save me hundreds of dollars on a gym membership? From now on I plan to take his guidance more seriously. I'm on my way to being ready for the next swimsuit season!

Does your cat help you exercise? What sort of moves does she do? Let us know in the comments!

Learn more about your cat with Catster:

About the author: Brielle lives in Youngstown, Ohio, with her kitty, Tanner, and her mom. She is an English major at Youngstown State University, with one more semester to go. She writes about cats, cosplay, and anime on her blog. Keep up with her and Tanner at Tanner the Kittie.

Wed, 17 Sep 2014 13:00:00 -0700 /molz/cat-behavior-humor-personal-trainer
<![CDATA[Drinking Water Sources for Cats, Ranked from Best to Absolute Worst]]> We all know cats like to drink from a variety of water sources, but have you ever wondered which water sources they prefer the most and which they prefer the least? We asked a sample of cats to rank water sources, and we got this.

Water sources, ranked, best to absolute worst:  

1. Water glass on nightstand

2. Waterfall

3. Bathtub faucet

4. Sink faucet

5. Burbling stream

6. Semi-burbling stream

7. Public fountain at outdoor Denver mall (evacuated)

No. 2 on our list, waterfall. Obviously these cats have never seen an actual waterfall. Waterfall by Shutterstock.

8. Leaky shower (fast leak)

9. Leaky shower (slow, steady leak)

10. Cat fountain (high flow)

11. Cat fountain (low flow, you cheapskate)

12. Cat fountain with turquoise decorative stones

13. Cat fountain with bits of yesterday's kibble floating in it

Kitty going to town on No. 3 on the list, sink faucet. Aren't you glad you're learning this? Cat drinking in bathroom by Shutterstock.

14. Stainless steel bowl

15. Ceramic bowl

16. Porcelain bowl

17. BPA-free plastic bowl

18. Frisbee "bowl"

19. 7-Eleven Slurpee "bowl"

20. Pottery Barn wide-mouth salad bowl

Note the flow. Our cats wanted you memorize this flow, as it is the optimal flow. Keep it on nights and mornings. Cat licks by Shutterstock.

21. Water droplets clinging to plastic shower curtain

22. Condensation on ice-cold soda can

23. Puddle below refrigerator on the fritz

24. Morning dew on forgotten Slip 'N Slide on the lawn

25. Arm sweat

26. Neck sweat

27. Leg sweat

28. Hair sweat

29. Baby pool

Refill daily. Cat drinking from pool by Shutterstock.

30. Lake Mead

31. Lake Havasu

32. Lake Titicaca

33. Land O' Lakes

34. The Lakers

35. Any lake, generally

36. Ponds

37. Fish tank

When this cat first started drinking, there were seven fish in that bowl. Cat with fish tank by Shutterstock.

38. Drip irrigation

39. Driveway puddles

40. White-water rapids

42. Toilet "bowl"

43. Residential sprinklers

44. Garden hose

45. Fire hose

46. Backed-up rain gutter

47. Rain, generally

48. Rain with thunder, especially

49. Grinding cat fountain with a quarter-inch of water 

50. Any bowl whatsoever (my cat)

You want me to drink out of this? Are you mad? Cat near bowl by Shutterstock.

What would your cat put on this list? Where does she like to drink the most? Do you ever find yourself turning on the bathtub faucet at 3 a.m. and wondering what on earth you are doing? Let us know in the comments. 

Read more funny stuff:  

Tue, 16 Sep 2014 12:00:00 -0700 /molz/cat-humor-drinking-water-sources-ranked
<![CDATA[6 "Jeopardy" Categories We'd Have If Cats Were Contestants]]> I've always considered Jeopardy an intelligent person's game show. Really, to succeed and win big money, you have to be well-versed in a variety of subjects, including sports, opera and world geography. I could do well on a Jeopardy game whose categories were more like: "Cheesecakes of the World," "Cat Videos," and "Exercise Avoidance." 

Even cats have to study to be a contestant. Photo: Shutterstock

Cats are smart, right? If there were a feline Jeopardy show, I think there would be cats lined up around the corner, ready to audition. And competition would be fierce! Here are some of the categories that would appear on their board.

Cats are attracted to anything they can easily swat across the floor -- and the smoother the swat the better. 

Clue: It once was "top of the pops."

Response: What is a bottle cap?

That is correct.

Cat litter is an important subject to cats, and they know the ins and outs of the contents of their loo.

Clue: Once on a cob, now in your box.

Response: What is corn?

That is correct.

"Excuse me? You better check your sources because I'm right." Photo: Shutterstock

Kitties spend hours in front of windows watching the outdoor wildlife. Rodents are some of their favorite eye candy. Of course they'd ace this category.

Clue: Larger than a mouse, and rhymes with "splat."

Response: What is a rat? 

That is correct.

Boxes! Every contestant is pleased when they see this category pop up on the screen. They consider themselves experts in the subject, yet can sometimes get stumped with tricky questions.

Clue: This kind of box is a "supreme slice" of fun for cats.

Response: What is an empty Slice soda box?

I'm sorry, that is incorrect. Contestant No. 2?

Response: What is a pizza box?

That is correct.

"I like the categories about food." Photo: Shutterstock

Most cats agree that humans can be quite unfair at times -- in fact, they can be downright buzzkills. It's not that difficult for a cat to correctly answer the questions in this category.

Clue: Walk across the kitchen counter and pretend you're deaf.

Response: What cats do when humans tell them to get off the kitchen counter.

That is correct.

Every Jeopardy game of any type has a category called "Potpourri." It's always a surprise, which cats don't especially enjoy. Cats like to know what to expect, so they sometimes panic when this the only category left on the board. Seriously, the panic that sets in is known to produce some pretty wacky responses from contestants.

Clue: A pair of white pants.

Response: What is a rabies shot?

I'm sorry, that is incorrect. Contestant No. 2?

Clue: What is a chicken-flavored treat?

No, that is also incorrect. Contestant No. 3

Response: What is a dingleberry stuck to my bottom?

No, I'm sorry -- you have all missed this one. The correct answer is, "What is a nice thing to nap on?"

What kind of questions would your cats ace on a Jeopardy game for cats? Give us some examples in the comments!

Let Catster make you laugh:

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food. 

Mon, 15 Sep 2014 03:00:00 -0700 /molz/cat-humor-jeopardy
<![CDATA[Texts From Mittens: The Supernatural Edition]]> Mittens has been watching too many episodes of Ghost Hunters and is now blaming all of his late-night shenanigans on the spirits that are inhabiting his house. Also, maybe the Ghost Hunters team would investigate his house and he'd get to be on TV. 

And something weird has been happening with Stumpy and Phil. Mitty is pretty positive there have been some alien abductions happening, and isn't going to take no for an answer. The truth is out there.

Can someone please tell Drunk Patty's boyfriend Rusty to wear some clothes? I mean, things are getting awfully Squatchy.

Yes, the last couple of weeks have had Mittens' mind swirling with all sorts of supernatural notions. And he'd really like to be on TV.

Mittens: "Nobody ever believes me."

Mittens: "Definitely an alien tracking device. Also, gross."

Mittens: "A ghostly intruder!"

Click here for the entire library of Mittens posts on Catster.

Click here for the Texts from Mittens site.

Click here to follow Mittens on Twitter. 

Click here for Mittens merchandise!

Let Catster make you laugh:

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food. 

Wed, 10 Sep 2014 05:00:00 -0700 /molz/texts-from-mittens-the-cat-humor-behavior-supernatural-paranormal-haunted-house
<![CDATA[Ask Einstein: Can a Cat Celebrate Grandparents Day?]]> Hey, Einstein,

I understand yesterday was National Grandparents Day. My human is (how shall I put this?) 40 and single. When her own human mom kept asking about babies, Mom adopted me, and introduced me as Grammy’s grandkit. I think Grammy actually had a grandbaby with fewer legs in mind. 

Grammy’s never taken me to Disneyland, but she carries photos of me on her smartphone, and whenever she comes over she always has catnip toys in her purse. When Mom travels for work, I get to go to Grammy’s house for a sleepover. She’s great. There are definite pros and cons to being a grandkitty. 

I get spoiled rotten when I visit my grandparents. Older couple and fluffy cat by Shutterstock

I get to do lots of fun things at Grammy’s that my mom won’t let me do at home. Instead of brushing my teeth, she gives me dental treats. I get milk and chicken broth and lots of tasty tidbits, and I don’t even have to sit or shake to earn them.

Grammy doesn’t get upset when I ralph on the carpet, and she lets me play with a ball of string. (Yes, she watches me to make sure I don’t swallow it.) Grammy talks to me and I talk back. She lets me sleep with her and gets up to feed me in the middle of the night when I “accidentally” wake her by shoving my whiskers up her nostrils. (Mom just kicks me out of the room.) She even lets me play in the back yard (with supervision). When I’m in the house I get to watch the birds and squirrels fighting over the bird feeder.

If grandma's pic of me goes around the Internet I'll ... oh. Cat in hat and sweater by Shutterstock

On my birthday (the anniversary of my adoption) she brings me cat treats and toys. She even cross-stitched a Christmas stocking with my name on it. (Super cool, but I could do without the elf ears hat.)

On the downside, she knits silly sweaters and hats for me and posts pictures of me wearing them on the internet. She also dresses me in ridiculous costumes. If anyone hacks into the cloud and steals those photos, I’ll never be able to show my face around the neighborhood. 

Grammy complains that she sees no family resemblance. I can’t help it if they weren’t born with enough legs. 

How can I honor Grammy on National Grandparents Day without compromising my dignity?

(Grand) Sonny

I have more legs than a human grandchild, but I'm just as much a part of the family. Family portrait by Shutterstock

So Sonny,

I’m glad your Grammy has decided to accept you as her blood. Grammy’s in good company. Even former first lady Laura Bush has bragged about her own grandcat. 

In most ways grandkitties are superior to grandkids. Grandkitties never get too heavy to pick up, and there are no dirty diapers. When we answer the call of nature, your Grammy doesn’t have to drop everything to pitch the poo. Your mom won’t have to borrow money from Grammy to pay for braces or send you to college. Since you’re neutered, there’s no worry about an unexpected litter. And while you may occasionally talk back and ignore her at times, you won’t hang with a bad crowd or do drugs. So when Gram’s friends brag about their grandcuties, she’ll know you won’t break her heart. 

Visiting Grandma can be a lot more fun than staying at home. Cuban cigar lady and cat by Shutterstock

One disadvantage is you won’t be around to take care of her when she can’t care for herself. It’s definitely a tradeoff. 

I think we need to set up some ground rules for Grammy.

Rule 1. No embarrassing cat clothes. That includes ugly sweaters, knitted hats with braids that make you look like a hairy Pippi Longstockings. No embarrassing Halloween, Christmas or Easter costumes that include, but are not limited to: cowboys, devils, angels, pirates, sharks, superheroes, frogs or canines. Acceptable costumes if tasteful include: nudist, cardboard box, paper sack. 

Rule 2. If you break Rule # 1, don’t post it on Facebook or Pinterest.

Rule 3. Grammy must share one-third of her turkey sandwich with you, or at least one-third of the turkey in the sandwich.

Rule 4. Grammy is required to oooh, ahhhh, and fuss over her grandkitty for a minimum or 30 minutes every day. 

In exchange, you’ll adore her and sit on her lap to purr away the arthritis and other aches and pains. 

"Cutest grandkitty ever." Older couple and fluffy cat by Shutterstock

On special occasions, including Grandparents Day, Christmas (or Hanukkah), and her birthday, you can give her one of many grandcat-themed gifts: a digital picture frame filled with photos of you, a bumper sticker that reads “My Grandcat Is Cuter than your Grandchild” or an “I Love my Grandcat” keychain, car magnet, old-school picture frame, T-shirt, locket (with your picture inside), refrigerator magnet, coffee mug, or cell phone protector. 

Sonny, it sounds like you’ve hit the jackpot. Grandmothers are powerful allies. After all, she used to send your mom to her room. Memorize her speed-dial number and use it next time your mom catches you climbing the curtains.

What does your kitty do for her Grammy or Grampy? Do your cat’s grandparents do anything special for him? Let us know in the comments!

Learn how to live a better life with your cat on Catster:

Einstein’s assistant, Dusty Rainbolt ACCBC, is the vice president of the Cat Writers’ Association, editor-in-chief of and a member of the International Association of Animal Behavior Consultants. She’s the award-winning author of eight fiction and non-fiction books including her most recent paranormal mystery, Death Under the Crescent Moon. 

Mon, 08 Sep 2014 07:00:00 -0700 /molz/cat-care-behavior-humor-ask-einstein-honor-grandparents-day
<![CDATA[We Ask a Cat: How to Fight Procrastination]]> Tomorrow (Sept. 6) is Fight Procrastination Day, and in a effort to help you be a better you and achieve all you want to achieve, we asked a cat for tips to help fight procrastination and get your life in order. He really came through. 

1. Get physically fit!

Today it's time to hit the gym and finally use that membership you bought that summer a couple of years ago. You'll want to work your core. Go easy at first. Load up on carbs, and protein. Start with a big lunch. Chicken, tuna, turkey. How about a plate of calamari from that place you went to yesterday? Or a shrimp pizza. Or a mackerel sandwich. Or a trout cheesesteak. Or a some fish stew. Or a burrito. Or a cheeseburger. Or some tandoori chicken. Or a fish taco. Or a chicken skewer. Or a macaroni salad. Remember that garlic bread you tossed me this morning? How about that? We'll figure this out!

One more sardine and we get to work. Cat licks her mouth by Shutterstock.

2. Shape up your financials!

With all the 401(k)s and the money market accounts and the overdraft protections and past due notices and collection services coming at you, there's no excuse to delay any longer in getting your financials in tip-top shape. Take a cue from a cat, and have lunch. Chicken, tuna, turkey. Maybe some cured meats? You've got your culatellos, your capocollos, your sopressatas. How about a nice cacciatore or prosciutto? A pancetta? Why not arrange it all on a platter with some nice bread and a frutti de mare and slide it under the couch and I'll see you later? 

3. Get a new career!

In 2014, there's no reason not to do something you love, like making or delivering food or working in a supermarket or a fish counter or a restaurant or a bar and grill or doing anything really where you can get your hands on chicken, tuna, turkey, provolone, scallops, scrambled eggs, french fries, pancakes, cookies, bacon, halibut, spaghetti, dolmas, crab, churros, corn dogs, fried sardines, olives, chicken fingers, smoked trout, sourdough rolls, and deep-dish pizza. Jumpstart your career by eating some food!

You're procrastinating my taco again. Cat begging by Shutterstock.

4. Get your house in order!

Why not start by cleaning out the refrigerator? There's some cheese in there, chicken, tuna, turkey, roast beef, a half a sandwich you brought home from the deli 47 hours and 35 seconds ago, watermelon, eggs, a couple sticks of butter, some hummus, and that bag of four shrimp egg rolls and two fortune cookies. I think that's everything. Wait, there's only three egg rolls -- you already gave me one because I am a good kitty. How about we start there and work our way front to back?

Thanks, cat. We should be well on our way to fighting procrastination tomorrow by having a nice lunch. 

Are you going to be fighting procrastination tomorrow? Do these tips from a cat help? Do you think the cat knows what procrastination means? 

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Fri, 05 Sep 2014 03:00:00 -0700 /molz/cat-humor-national-fight-procrastination-day-tips
<![CDATA[GASP: Celebrity Cat Nudes Leaked!]]> This weekend, the world temporarily halted its barbecue and watched in awe as a cache of celebrity nude pictures was dumped on the Internet, featuring such notable actresses as Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, Mary Elizabeth Winstead (?), Victoria Justice (?), and many other celebrities we are learning about for the first time.  

But cheek to cheek next to stars like Ariana Grande (?) were other nudes. Cat nudes. Celebrity cat nudes. Here are those pictures. 

Lil Bub

Photo via Lil Bub's website.

Here's Lil Bub, naked as a fawn wobbling through a dew-filled meadow or a bluebird soaring in the morning light or Jennifer Lawrence in a selfie hacked from her iCloud account. One does not have to imagine what's beneath that fur anymore. It's ... more fur! It's fur all the way down.  

Hamilton the Hipster Cat

Photo via Hamilton's Facebook page.

This is Hamilton the Hipster Cat, and we'd like to show you what's going on over yonder, wink wink, but it's pretty graphic, wink wink. That mustache is not the only unusual thing about Hamilton's grooming regime, wink wink

Actually, he's just a normal cat. Sorry for all that winking. 

Colonel Meow 

Presenting Colonel Meow for inspection, sir, nude!

When was the last time you saw the late, great Colonel Meow out of his Prussian military uniform and Viking headpiece? What's that? You never saw him in his Prussian military uniform and Viking headpiece?

So, this nude may not be that shocking. Anyhow, he looks just like me getting out of the bath. 

Lil Bub again!

Here's another one of Lil Bub, taken with her owner Mike Bridavsky, Catster writer Angie Bailey, and Angie's husband. We're not saying this was snapped in a Fresno motel room before the minibar gets opened and everybody's clothes come off, but we're not not saying that.

Actually, we're not saying that. This was taken at a perfectly awesome Feline Rescue fundraiser last August. Sorry about this, Angie. 

Moving on!

Colonel Meow's brother, Merlin

Meet Merlin, Colonel Meow's brother. As you can see, Merlin is the sort of cat for whom a leaked nude is not that big a deal. Merlin probably leaked this nude himself. Merlin probably didn't even use Snapchat to send this nude but rather put it on Facebook or something. Merlin is the free spirit of the family. Fly free and nude, Merlin. 

Henri Le Chat Noir

Henri Le Chat Noir is from France, so this nude is not so much leaked as liberated for the good of the people. Henri will probably be running the country soon. As history proves, a leaked nude is a great way to launch a campaign for public office, or so says my history teacher.  

Choupette Lagerfeld

Photo via Instagram.

Here is Choupette Lagerfeld, naked as a young model in a bold jeans campaign that features no jeans. As a model herself, Choupette Lagerfeld is no stranger to being the subject of a nude photo, but this photo should have netted her $500,000 and appeared in Vogue, not on 4chan with the message, "Wh0a cHoupet is h0ttt!!" 

Grumpy Cat 

Here we have Grumpy Cat sunning herself on a rock at a spa in Taos, smiling at her paramour, who is most likely singer/songwriter James Blunt. We know this because this is what happens to your face if you try and smile at James Blunt, especially if he is in the process of singing "You're Beautiful" to you, even after you repeatedly told him to go get you a glass of milk and a tuna sandwich, hold the bread and mayo. Grumpy Cat was never officially linked to James Blunt, but this photo might be the proof. In any case, Grumpy Cat looks pretty good naked, and we're glad it's not 2007 and we can go into a dentist's office without hearing "You're Beautiful." 

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Tue, 02 Sep 2014 11:00:00 -0700 /molz/funny-cat-pictures-celebrity-nudes-leaked-cats-grumpy-lil-bub-colonel-meow
<![CDATA[Should You Bring Your Cat to Burning Man? ]]> Every year in the weeks before Burning Man, people constantly call the office and stop us on the street and interrupt us at lunch and ask, "Can I bring my cat to Burning Man?"  

You're crazy, we say. Leave us alone. 

But they persist, telling us all the reasons their cat wants to go to the desert for a week. Here's a handy FAQ to determine whether you should bring your cat to Burning Man. It should cover everything.  

Cat waiting for God to appear.

Can I bring my cat to Burning Man? 


But he wants to call himself a Burner. 


But he wants to experience a utopia of self-expression and overthrow capitalism for the week.


But he wants to wear ski goggles and wander around the desert. 


But he wants to wear leggings and dance at 3 a.m.


But he wants to trip out before the Angel of the Apocalypse Feathers.


But he wants to huddle under a tarp during a sandstorm.


But he wants to ask someone for water and Luna bars.


Where can I find a shaman? Woman and cat by Shutterstock.

But he wants to nap in the MerKHANa Uncertainty Reduction Salon. 

WHAT?! No. 

But he wants to drive an art car in the Deep Playa.


But he wants to wander off and find God in the blazing heat and then have some trouble finding his way back. 


But he wants to do something creative, like pretend he's a tree all day or talk to people using his foot. 


But he wants to express himself.


But he wants to wear a scarf.


But he wants to see things shoot fire.


But he wants to see tech billionaires in jorts.

Is your cat a reporter?


Then no.

I've reached the singularity. Score! Ginger cat sitting by Shutterstock.

But he wants to purr in the Temple of Grace. 


But he wants to reach inside himself to "figure out that part of you that can be shared with others around you," according to the literature.


But he wants to meet a soulmate who's great at hitchhiking and juggling fire sticks and finding places to crash in Denver. 


But he wants to forget he works in a cubicle all day. 

No -- wait, are you talking about yourself now? 

No. Maybe.

You may go to Burning Man. 

There better be some real food at the end of this desert. Paw prints by Shutterstock.

But he wants to take advantage of the Foot Washing Service on Monday at 2 p.m.


But he wants take catnip under the Tree of (Im)Permanence and meet his eight other lives.


But he wants to ride the Wheels of Zoroaster at dawn.


But he wants to mingle in the 7 Sins Lounge camp. 

No -- and he has no business being there.

But all his friends are going. 

They are not. Who are his friends?

Some people on Facebook.


But he wants to get hugged by a greeter and roll in the dust. 


But he wants to ride a bike with neon lights into the infinite night. 


But he wants to caterwaul with a woman from Iceland.


But he wants to hang out with Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Ballmer and see their stomachs. 


But he wants someone to give him a sno-cone.


But he wants to groom strangers. 


But he really wants to overthrown capitalism.

We covered that. No.

But he wants to watch a giant man burn. 

I'm not surprised, but again: No. 

If you still want to bring your cat to Burning Man, consult the "Pet Unfriendly Playa" page on the Burning Man official site, which says, basically, no.  

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Mon, 01 Sep 2014 05:00:00 -0700 /molz/cat-humor-behavior-burning-man
<![CDATA[Videos We Love: Cats vs. Inanimate Objects]]> If you have spent any time on the Internet during the last month, you will have likely laughed at a video doing the rounds that shows a furious kitten attacking a statue of a cat.

If you've not yet seen it, LOL at this cat now:

That kitten isn't the only feline to learn the hard way that most times you're never going to win a battle of wills or physicality against an inanimate object. Here are six of the most telling cases culled from Instagram.

Cat versus chair leg! IKEA craftsmanship is a fitting match for this determined kitty's chompers.

Cat versus tape! A sneaky attack, here this impish tyke is learning that sometimes you cannot beat the science of stickiness.

Cat versus clothes hanger! In fairness, it would appear that some human had left a hanger needlessly on the floor, cluttering up an apartment and creating unnecessary mess. I support this responsible cat's efforts to keep a clean and tidy abode. Nothing more to see here.

Cat versus gnome! The Instagram caption says, "Taken just before she started trying to push it over!" What it doesn't show is the freaky gnome turning to life once the sun has set. The cat has reason to be very afraid.

Cat versus ice maker! Consider this one a lesson in a zen staring contest. With only one frosty winner.

Cats versus vacuum! A showdown with every cat's ultimate foe can require a full-on double-teamed feline army to investigate. The victor remains the same, however.

Now enjoy this bonus gratuitous Instagram pic (that would also make a fine T-shirt).

Does your cat enjoy attacking a favorite inanimate object? Name and shame the foolhardy felines in the comments below!

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About Phillip MlynarThe self-appointed world's foremost expert on rappers' cats. When not penning posts on rap music, he can be found building DIY cat towers for his adopted domestic shorthair, Mimosa, and collecting Le Creuset cookware (in red). He has also invented cat sushi, but it's not quite what you think it is.

Wed, 27 Aug 2014 09:00:00 -0700 /molz/funny-cat-videos-behavior-cats-vs-inanimate-object
<![CDATA[Texts From Mittens: The Back-to-School (or Not) Edition]]> School is back in full swing for the children in the neighborhood and Mittens is convinced he's missing out on something. Certainly Mom should register him for classes -- why should he be denied a formal education? Plus, nobody wants to be truant! He is clear on one thing, though: He will not be homeschooled by the likes of Drunk Patty!

And now that he can't go to school, he's bored. Phil the dog is no cure for boredom, no matter what Mom thinks. He's a filthy hound, after all. Plus, he's busy unrolling all the toilet paper in the bathroom. Mittens says so, anyway. 

Our pal Mitty has plenty to say and isn't afraid to share some of his texts as proof of his awful, awful life. 

Phil: "I like outside."

Stumpy the party boy.

And she wants to home-school me.


Click here for the entire library of Mittens posts on Catster.

Click here for the Texts from Mittens site.

Click here to follow Mittens on Twitter. 

Click here for Mittens merchandise!

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Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food. 

Wed, 27 Aug 2014 07:00:00 -0700 /molz/texts-from-mittens-the-cat-humor-back-to-school-or-not
<![CDATA[The Seven Deadly Sins -- As Illustrated By Cats]]> You might know all the seven deadly sins -- pride, covetousness, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth. We've all looked at ourselves on our down days and realized that we're guilty of more than our fair share of them, especially early in the morning after things like the Super Bowl.  

But do you ever find yourself idly looking at your cat, sleeping clear through an entire Tuesday or jamming her face in a bowl of wet food, and wonder whether, or rather how many, of these sins apply to her? 

If you haven't, well, you might be surprised at how satisfying that can be! You might even come to realize that the seven deadly sins were made for cats, so much so they could almost be called the seven kitty virtues.

Game designer and artist Marija Tiurina knows all about this. She is, of course, the creator of these wildly perfect drawings you've been looking at all around this page. The London-based illustrator noticed a gap in the seven-deadly sins illustration industry -- no cats! -- and set out to rectify it. The results, as you're seeing, are incredible. 

She even added an eighth sin, "pawesomeness," discovered in our modern era, in which cats grow accustomed to and come to expect people shoving cameras in their faces and making goofy noises and treating them like royalty, even if all they want to do is sleep in a box. 

Marija Tiurina illustrations have been released on Neon Mob, a site for "digital collecting" of limited edition art. Check out all the sins here, and check out Marija's Facebook and Web site.

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Tue, 26 Aug 2014 13:00:00 -0700 /molz/seven-deadly-sins-cat-illustrations-marija-tiurina
<![CDATA[The 10 Best Kind of Cat Photos]]> The folks at KitNipBox get a lot of adorable photos, and in honor of that they're having a photo contest! To kick it off, they complied a list of the 10 best kinds of cat photos.

1. Cats in boxes

Cats love boxes, and KitNipBoxes are no exception. They’re the perfect size for cats to cuddle up in and take a nice nap. 

2. Cuddling kitties

It may be a stereotype that cats are loners, but those of us with two or more kitties know that isn’t the case. Our cat brothers and sisters just love snuggling up with each other.

Image via Reddit

Image via Reddit

Image via Reddit

3. Sleeping kitties

Cats are originally hunters, and they sleep a lot to conserve their energy when they’re not hunting (or playing with us!). Most cats sleep between 16 and 18 hours a day, and they’re always adorable when they do.

Photo via KitNipBox

Photo via KitNipBox

Photo via KitNipBox

Photo via KitNipBox

4. Cats playing with toys

Since cats are hunters, it’s important to stimulate that urge to hunt -- that’s why they love mouse toys so much!

Photo via KitNipBox

Photo via KitNipBox

Photo via KitNipBox

5. Cats climbing things

Everybody knows cats love to climb everything, especially things that are off-limits. Of course, they usually look pretty cute no matter where they get themselves.

Photo via KitNipBox

Photo via Reddit

Photo via KitNipBox

6. Cats fitting perfectly in things

Cats are basically a liquid -- pour them in any container and they’ll find a way to spread out and fit.

Photo via Reddit

Photo via Reddit

Photo via Reddit

7. Cat GIFs

It’s no secret that the Internet is filled with cat gifs, and the best ones are when they’re acting totally crazy.

GIF via Tumblr

GIF via Tumblr

GIF via Tumblr

8. Cats kneading each other

Kneading is actually a trait retained from when they’re young kittens, as a way of getting the mother ready to nurse, but it’s pretty stinking cute whenever they do it.

9. Cats and dogs getting along

While it might be common knowledge that cats and dogs are enemies, we disagree. Cats and dogs can make loving, cuddly brothers and sisters.

10. Rescue photos

There are so many cats out there in need, and without the work of great shelters like our friends at Sean Casey Animal Rescue, there would be many more in need.

Top photo by Jellalun

Laugh with us on Catster:

Wed, 20 Aug 2014 11:00:00 -0700 /molz/cute-cat-pictures-photos-10-best-photo-contest-kitnipbox
<![CDATA[We Pair Classic Jay Z Lyrics With Pictures of Cats]]> Does Jay Z have a cat? To the best of my knowledge, I think not. Casa Carter, I suspect, is a totally feline-free realm. However, that doesn't exclude the possibility of pairing some of Jigga's most memorable lyrics with pictures of cats and kittens, right? We're cat crazy for this one, Jay!

Image via Instagram

Source: Jay Z, "Dead Presidents II"

Image via Instagram

Source: Jay Z feat. Mary J Blige, "Can't Knock The Hustle"

Image via Instagram

Source: Jay Z, "Public Service Announcement"

Image via Instagram

Source: Jay Z, "Heart Of The City (Ain't No Love)"

Amazed kitten looking at a laptop via Shutterstock

Source: Kanye West feat. Jay Z, "Diamonds From Sierra Leone (Remix)"

Image via Instagram

Source: Kanye West feat. Jay Z, "That's My Bitch"

Image via Instagram

Source: Jay Z, "Heart Of The City (Ain't No Love)"

Kitten playing hide and seek in a champagne bucket via Shutterstock

Source: Jay Z feat. Dr. Dre, "Watch Me"

Image via Instagram

Source: Jay Z, "Takeover"

Image via Instagram

Source: Freeway feat. Jay Z and Beanie Sigel, "What We Do"

Image via Instagram

Source: Jay Z, "Roc Boys (And The Winner Is)..."

Did we miss any of Jigga's most feline-friendly (and sort-of-safe-for-work) lyrics? Let us know in the comments section below and we'll work our magic on them! 

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About Phillip Mlynar: The self-appointed world's foremost expert on rappers' cats. When not penning posts on rap music, he can be found building DIY cat towers for his adopted domestic shorthair, Mimosa, and collecting Le Creuset cookware (in red). He has also invented cat sushi, but it's not quite what you think it is.

Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:00:00 -0700 /molz/jay-z-lyrics-cats-kittens-99-problems-funny-cat-pictures-memes
<![CDATA[Say Goodbye to Shark Week With a Shark-Cat on a Roomba]]> Last week's Shark Week is now a memory, just a thin, fading ripple on the ocean of television. We had fun. We celebrated with cats dressed as sharks. We watched show after show of these calm, bloodthirsty predators exercising complete control of their environment. We looked from the TV to our cat and from our cat to the TV, slowly, realizing something great and profound.  

Hey, cats are like sharks! 

Here are some ways cats are like sharks:  

  • Both look like bags full of knives when they yawn.
  • Both like wet food.
  • Both get drawn up into tornados
  • Both travel great distances for a meal -- a cat might even migrate three rooms. 
  • Both are intrigued by smell of blood. 
  • Both will hide when the doorbell rings. 
  • Both will nibble your fingers. 
  • Both will chomp your toes. 
  • Both will take a bite out of your calf. 
  • Both will sever you in two, though it might take a cat a couple of years of steady effort.
  • Both think the other is an amateur when it comes to lifetime kills. 
  • Both will rub up against you with love, though the shark quickly forgets that love when he decides to eat you. 
  • Both have a love/eat relationship with seals. 
  • Both can be viewed from the privacy of a shark cage. 
  • Both like to sit on a Roombas.

As for that last one, we have something special to show you, the latest in a series of fine wildlife footage captured by TexasGirly1979 on YouTube. In the video, she encounters a cat-shark on a Roomba meeting a baby-shark on a Bumpo for the first time, in the kitchen. 

And with that, let's put a lid on Shark Week until next year. 

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Tue, 19 Aug 2014 12:30:00 -0700 /molz/shark-week-funny-cat-videos-humor-roomba-baby
<![CDATA[Hot Takes: What Cats Think of the 2014 NFL Teams]]> Football season is upon us, and everywhere football pundits are giving their hot takes on the 2014 NFL teams. Cats are, too. We got some cats to give their hot takes on the entire roster of the 2014 National Football League season, all 32 teams. Whatever squad you root for, these cats have a blistering opinion on your team's outlook.

Hi, I'm Mike Ditka. Via Shutterstock.

The Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks look excellent this year, with a strong defense, an effective special teams, and a lot of belly meat. Terrelle Pryor is a hell of a quarterback, and the Seahawks' secondary is the strongest and fattest in the league. Imagine sinking your teeth into all that belly meat. You'd have to struggle to get through the feathers, but that's football.

The Philadelphia Eagles

When you go against a team like the 2014 Eagles, you have to wonder whether you have what it takes. Picture the play: It's fourth and three, and the Eagles come in low, skimming your driveway, aiming for the neighbor's dog or what have you. What are you made of? Do you go for the eyes and stop the rush? The Eagles are the team to beat or claw out of the sky this year.

The Miami Dolphins

A good, solid team. Not the best -- those teeth aren't made for slicing limbs -- so you stand a chance. But still: 500 pounds of aquatic strength, along with Louis Delmas as safety. Maybe it's better to try and make friends with the 2014 Dolphins than try to kill them. I mean, Dolphins -- they know where the tuna lives. 

The Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens are a bad team. Stay away from the Ravens. I once ate a raven. I woke up and there is was, dead on the lawn. Man, what commotion. You'd think I ate a baby or something. The Ravens are a bad team. Stay away from the Ravens.

The Atlanta Falcons

Not gonna lie, the 2014 Falcons are not to be trifled with. Just gonna leave that there and move on. 

The Arizona Cardinals

Oh, how cute. The Cardinals want to play some football. Sure, come on out; bring your star quarterback Carson Palmer with you. Is everyone on the field? How adorable you all look. All the pretty Cardinals, the pretty, plump Cardinals, with no defense to speak of save defensive end Calais Campbell and those cute little crunchy beaks. You look like the platter of amuse-bouche I stole at a wedding. It's a great day for football.

The Jacksonville Jaguars

Wait, Jaguars? There are Jaguars? Where? Is that one? Where are the Jaguars? I'm going to go live in the closet for a while; tell me when the Jaguars go home after they don't make the playoffs again this year.  

More hot takes after this nap. Via Shutterstock.

The Detroit Lions

Nothing wrong with the Detroit Lions. Sauntering into the field, taking the lay of the land, yawning, then lying down for a nap on the 20. Nothing wrong with that. After a while head over and steal the opposing team's lunch, take a pee, mark the refs, and stare down the fans, all the way to Super Bowl XLIX. The Lions should repeat this year, just like last year and the previous 347 years. 

The Carolina Panthers

We have a bad feeling about the Panthers this year. The stuff of nightmares. Actual nightmares, really. Let's move on.

The Cincinnati Bengals

Another giant wild cat? You unimaginative corporate jocks. Couldn't you be the Cincinnati Mice? The Cincinnati Moths? The Common Cincinnati Houseflies, or maybe Spiders? Would it kill you to name your team after something we would like to eat and not something that would like to eat us? The Cincinnati Bengals will have a terrible season. You can take that hot take to the bank.

The Cleveland Browns

The who?

The Dallas Cowboys 

The who?

The Buffalo Bills 

The who?

The Denver Broncos 

The who?

The Green Bay Packers 

The who?

The Houston Texans 

The who?

The Indianapolis Colts 

The who?

The Kansas City Chiefs 

The who?

The Minnesota Vikings 

The who?

The New Orleans Saints 

The who?

Who are all these teams? We didn't think this through. Via Shutterstock.

The New York Giants 

The who?

The New York Jets 

The who?

The Oakland Raiders 

The who?

The Pittsburgh Steelers 

The who?

The Saint Louis Rams 

The who?

The San Diego Chargers 

The who?

The San Francisco 49ers 

The who?

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

The who?

The Tennessee Titans 

The who?

The Washington Redskins

The who?

The New England Patriots 

Screw those guys. 

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Tue, 19 Aug 2014 11:00:00 -0700 /molz/cat-humor-nfl-national-football-league-preview-2014-hot-takes